Category: Friendship

It’s The Eve of His Birthday

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It’s the eve of his birthday and he’s fast asleep, but this Pastor’s wife needs the Pastor to wake up and help her get the church decorated today.

“Baby, I need your help today.”

“Oh, but I was sleeping so good. I know, I know, I’m up.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and Child # 3 has her car in the shop.

“Dad can you give me a ride to work. I have to leave in 20 minutes.”

“20 minutes, okay.”

It’s the eve of his birthday, but since he’s going that way…

“Baby can you pick up donuts for the crew and stop at Starbucks for me?”

“Sure, the usual?”

“Yes please.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and we’re decorating the church. I guess everyone had plans. It’s us, then one family comes by to help, then Vikki comes by, and it looks like that’s it, so he’s stuck doing a little more than he counted on this morning. Late morning 5 more show up.

It’s the eve of his birthday and he slips away to get his head together for the morning, since Sunday service is tomorrow.

It’s the eve of his birthday and comes out of his office at almost 1 pm.

“I don’t feel good, my body aches and I feel a little nauseous. I feel like I need to eat something other than coffee and donuts.”

I had planned a dinner for his birthday tonight, and eating at this time will ruin it so let’s just go with it. He needs to eat.

It’s the eve of his birthday and he says, “So what are your plans for the rest of the day?”

“I have to start laundry and change the sheets. What about you?”

“I’d love nothing more than a nap, but I have to get back to the office.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and he comes home at 6:45 p.m. child # 3 in tow.

“Dad I need to take a load of stuff to my new place.”

“Oh! Can’t it wait until tomorrow? I really need to rest.”

“It’s the first night in my new place. I can call someone else to help me.”

“No, it’s okay, I’ll help.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and he comes home closer to 8 pm.

“I need a shower and a bed.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and a saint from the church calls.

“Pastor, my car broke down. Can you help me? I’m an hour away and can’t get home.”

“Let me get dressed and I’ll be right there.”

“Let me drive, you ride and rest”, I say.

He calls child # 3. “The temp is supposed to drop. Come home and pick up more blankets, just in case.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and his cell phone rings on the way to pick the stranded saint. It’s another saint. His dad is heading for heaven and he needs his pastor.

“I’m on my way to pick up a saint broken down out of town. I will get him, turn right around and be to you.”

It’s the eve of his birthday and we’re at the hospital cafeteria, waiting with the family.

“Happy Birthday Pastor”, everyone says to him just after midnight.

It’s his birthday and we roll out of the hospital at 1:15. He sees the car of another saint in the parking lot. “What are they doing here? Should I go back in and make sure everything is okay?”

It’s his birthday and we’re driving home.

“It’s amazing all we’ve been through together with this family. You know, I remember when the twins were born. They were so tiny, preemies. The doctor didn’t give them much hope. We prayed. Now they’re grown and graduating high school. You know, Toby glowed tonight. When I asked him if he was ready to go he said yes. Then we prayed together. I asked him if he had peace and he did. Susan, he looked peaceful. He’s ready.”

It’s his birthday and it’s 2 a.m. I’m baking cookies for the Kingdom Kidz snack tomorrow and he’s getting ready for bed. He’s not perfect, he’s had his fair share of life happenings but he loves what he does and he was called to do it.

So today, I want to wish you a Happy Birthday My Love. Looks like you’re finally getting that nap you’d wanted since yesterday. In just a few hours you’ll be behind the pulpit preaching your heart out with the message God has placed on your heart. You keep telling me that you have to be called to do this job, and you are. You really are.

A Woman Should Know

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I saw this online and had to share it. I have no idea who wrote it, but it’s good!

A Woman Should Have…
a youth she’s content to leave behind…
a past that she’s looking forward to retelling in her old age…
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lacey bra…
one friend who always makes her laugh… and one who lets her cry…

A Woman Should Have…
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored…

A Woman Should Know…
how to fall in love without losing herself…
how to quit a job, break up with a boyfriend, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship….

A Woman Should Know…
When to Try Harder and When To Walk Away…

A Woman Should Know…
that she can’t change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
that her childhood may not have been perfect…
but it’s Over…

A Woman Should Know…
what she would and wouldn’t do for love….
and how to live alone even if she doesn’t like it…

A Woman Should Know…
whom she can trust, whom she can’t, and why she shouldn’t take it personally…

A Woman Should Know…
where to go – be it to her best friend’s kitchen table or a charming Inn in the woods…
when her soul needs soothing…

A Woman Should Know…
What she can and can’t accomplish in a day…
a month…
and a year…

Insulting

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I was thinking about an incident that happened in my life many, many years ago that tested my integrity and character. I had a friend whom I considered one of my closest friends. She began to entertain the idea of an affair with the husband of another friend of ours. They were clearly flirting and he was definitely hanging around way too much. I was honest and told her what I thought about the whole thing and my disapproval was made clear, fun killer that I am! She thanked me for my opinion but I didn’t change her mind. You can’t really be surprised at all that my friends tend to be strong willed right?

Early one morning she called me and said that she had told her husband she was with me the night before, when she hadn’t been, and if he were to ask me I was to confirm her story. She then proceeded to tell me what we had done the night before and why so our stories would match. I told her that I would not lie for her. She became angry with me and said she thought she could count on me as her friend. She tried the guilt card, “I thought we were friends?” “I’ve loved you like a sister, and if you were doing this, I would lie for you.” Oops, I realized she didn’t know me.

Actually, the truth of the matter was that she insulted me by thinking I was that kind of woman. You know the kind that would lie to a husband, who was also my friend? Yes, not happening. She thought she could make me complicit with her sin. Neither of which was true, thank God.

A friend doesn’t ask you to comply with her sin. If she’s woman enough to take on her sin, let her be woman enough to face the consequence. I’ve heard people tell me that they lied for their friend because they didn’t want to get involved or didn’t want their friend to be mad at them. This argument doesn’t hold water because the moment we lie, we become involved in the very thing we said we didn’t want to get caught up in.

Any time you are asked to lie for someone, don’t be flattered by what is perceived as bringing you into the inner circle. No! Be aware that they think you don’t have character, or at the very least that you and they are of the same character. They have insulted you on the highest level.

Her husband never asked me a thing and our friendship ended shortly after this incident. She ended up divorced and the man she cheated on reconciled with his wife. And that my friends, sadly enough, is also a typical story for another day.

I’m no different than you are. This was a test. I thank God that I passed the test but I know I’ve failed others along the way, that you thought were no brainers. Some things are merely traps for our soul. Be aware, be wise, be loyal to the right things in life and ask yourself how you’d like to be treated.

Whosoever WILL

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Let’s get one thing straight. I’m a firm believer of when you know better, you do better. Some lessons are harder than others to learn and the one I learned recently was a false perception that I thought that I was capable of mentoring anyone. After banging my head against the wall a few times however, I realized that there is an important clause in this faith I follow and that’s the whosoever will clause.

Not everyone cares or wants to change. While change be inevitable it’s no less hard and some are not willing nor ready. So this year, I determined to stop beating my head against the wall. Oh sure I would pray, I wouldn’t hold offense, but I wouldn’t stop my forward motion or the progress of others to beat a dead horse. It has worked miracles in my life.

There is no scriptural  reference to nagging and pleading. The whosoever will clause takes care of that. I’ve learned that when I speak to you about the things I have gone through, or even better, the things I have learned along the way, or even better still what the bible has to say about a situation, there is zero return for me. I walk in the door of my house and there is still carpet to vacuum, floors to sweep and mop, dinners to be made. There are still personal devotion times to be had, books to be read, health issues to contend to, and my own growth and learning process. I get nothing out of mentoring another other than sheer joy that the person has moved on past the problem, learned a solution, and has stepped up their level.

When my own mentor, sets me straight, or tries to teach me a principle, or comes and sits and prays with me, she gives up her time for me. She doesn’t get anything from it. I submit and retain the advice or I don’t, it will be entirely up to me. Her workload doesn’t change, in fact, it increases because I become one in her scope of leadership. I add work to her life. It’s one she takes on freely without regret or rancor because she loves to see the progress and she is saddened when I get stuck, but, and here’s the key to mentoring, she refuses to come and sit in the stuck with me. She’ll come and extend her hand but if I am continually trying to drag her down, she walks away. She doesn’t have endless hours for me either. Minutes each week and sometimes not even that. When I used to tell her I have no one to talk to and I needed advice, she would say, “You are never alone, sometimes you need to just get on your face and tell your heavenly Father. Sometimes he’s the only one with the answers.” Great advice that has saved me on so many occasions I can’t even begin to count.

So who is mentoring you? Are they frustrated or thrilled with your progress? Are you listening? Or did you listen with one ear already having chosen what you would do? Who are you mentoring? Are there places where you get stuck? It’s really wisdom to assess your effectiveness in both areas of your life. Take a little time to do that today.

The Bloodsucker

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Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m missing the chip that other women have. Yes, I’m going to completely admit up front that it’s totally me. I don’t get into the vampire movies. I could care less about vampire love and vampire friendships. In fact, I had my share of bloodsuckers in my life and I don’t care to watch it on TV. Confused? Me too!

No, I’m not talking about fantasy vampires, I’m talking about the ones you have in real life. Yes, sometimes we encounter and befriend real vampires. Their purpose is to suck the life out of you with their emotional turmoil. In my younger days, when I had more blood to give, I thought they needed me. It fed my ego to think I could offer solutions to their problems, but it never seemed to fail, the more problems we discussed, the more problems there were. Pretty soon, I was anemic as I watched my blood drip from their lips.

I took a step back and realized I had not been helpful at all. In fact, the same problems were the same problems, I had not served them well, nor had I fed them anything nutritious, I was merely junk food. The extreme demands on my time on their part, and the lack of boundaries on my part, were doing us both no good.

In the vampire movies the damsel looks into the eyes of the vampire and sees need. She misinterprets that need and winds up a slave. In real life we need to take better care of the vampires and ourselves by really discerning between true need and emotional neediness because there is a huge difference.

When I read the bible many people came to ask Jesus for help. He helped them, a word of advice, a healing touch, a teaching, a reminder of scripture, but then he was off to help others. His time was limited, his resources were unlimited yes, but they needed to be spread out. I am reminded of the story of the loaves and fish when every single crumb was picked up after the meal (Matthew 14:14-21). We can do the same thing.

There will always be people who need your help. Help them. Then, recognize your ability, your time, your resources and don’t get sucked in. If you’re already there, as I was, you’ll need to disengage. It doesn’t have to be ugly, it just has to be honest. After all you’re friends right? Well, this may end up being the test but whether that friendship endures or fades, you’ll have rid yourself of your vampire obsession!

Worshipers United

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We had the privilege of coming together with a few of our favorite friends to have a night of worship. I was excited to worship with these fellow believers but I had no idea what God had in store for all of us.

Our church band opened. They started a high energy set and as always were a blessing.

Cruz Berumen-Flores
Cruz Flores

Steve Valencia
Steve Valencia Jr.
our fearless leader my husband
Our fearless leader, my husband, Doug Young

Then Jason Calderon, who leads worship at the Foursquare Church, Day3, down the street did an amazingly beautiful acoustic set.

Jason CalderonJason Calderon

After that, Aslan a band led by Rob Cox, began to play. The prophetic gift began and God showed up mightily and restoration and saturation continued. Wow!

AslanJulie Cox

Just like this the night would have been amazing. Whole, complete, and nothing missing. Until I noticed…..

That's our kid!
That’s our kid!

In each set, were the son’s of the pastors who had given their lives to spread the message of Jesus in this city. The second generation was now rising up! I thank you Lord for the privilege of being a part of this amazing night!

Will The Real Parents Please Stand Up

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I have noticed a phenomenon that is happening in our society that I’d like to explore with you over the next few posts. I notice that we excuse our children’s behavior all the time for whatever reason. Some of our youth are on Facebook and we’re friends, so I read the news feed some of the posts were way out of line. Now, keep in mind, I am not a prude in any way, shape, or form, but some stuff was just not what I would want to have my kids writing on a public forum. I spoke to the youth and their parents. Their parents quickly went on the defense. Here are some of the responses:

Aren’t these pages a form of their private expression? Uh, NO! The Internet is so wide open that privacy and Internet are not words that even go together.

Aren’t these pages just for kids? Well, if they are, then why do I have access? Have you read the papers or turned on a TV in the last century? There are predators out there.

He didn’t do it; it was a friend of his who wrote it. So when it was discovered why wasn’t it removed?

There is a lot of pressure out there and she just wants to fit in. So in her circles of influence fitting in means what exactly?

Pastor Susan you are funny of course not but you know! No, I really don’t.

Not one, not one single parent, reacted in shock or surprise and went to change things for their child. This child’s reputation is harmed and the results in a small town are devastating.  I read recently that Facebook is checked in consideration of college admission. So a post can be damaging on so many levels.

I am not just picking on anyone either. These parents are just a reflection of the rest of our society. Parents just either don’t know what to do or don’t want to be bothered. I think the greatest failure in America is that we decided we were our children’s friends. The problem with that thought process is that we aren’t. Or what I should say is, that we weren’t designed to be. We were called to be parents.

1 Corinthians 4:15 There are a lot of people around who can’t wait to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there aren’t many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God’s Message to you that I became your father.

You know what? They won’t find their own way through life. You’ve got to lead them in the way you’d like for them to go if you want them to be successful. Children have lots of friends but only one set of parents.

Enchanting

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For our first wedding anniversary I asked my husband what he wanted to do. Not being a planner he left it for me to plan a trip. I decided we’d go Mendocino for a few days. Mendocino, if you’ve never been, is a beautiful place here in California on the northern coast. We chose a beautiful hotel called Little River Inn and I booked our room in Coombs Cottage for a few nights and made reservations for a romantic dinner the night of our arrival. Our first anniversary fell on a Sunday so I told my husband we’d have to leave immediately after church to get there in time for our dinner. I even suggested he pack on Friday and Saturday to be ready to go. I got the babysitter here at the house at noon and was ready to go!

My husband unfortunately, was not ready to go as he had not packed and was not ready to go at all. He said, “Give me an hour and we’ll be out of here!” No problem even if we leave by 1-1:30 we’ll make it for our special dinner. 1:00 rolls around, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and my romantic dinner is history and since cancellation had to be made 24 hours in advance I am stuck paying for a dinner we will never get to eat. I am pretty mad at this point and I am lying on the bed reading a book. He on the other hand, is checking his email, talking on the phone, packing and just hanging out. He is making it very obvious he could care less if he goes or stays.

I fall asleep around 6ish while reading a book when the Lord wakes me up with a question. He says, “Do you love your husband?” Thinking he’s got to be kidding I answer, “Right this moment?” He replies, “Yes, right now do you love him?” “Yes, though I am totally frustrated with him. He didn’t help me plan this and so now he is being passive aggressive and all my plans are out the window, some first wedding anniversary.” The Lord said, “Why do you love him?” I answer, “I don’t know, because I’m a glutton for punishment? I don’t know. I can’t think why right now.” His gentle voice responds, “In the same way that you love him, I love you even when you miss a deadline, or frustrate me or disappoint me. I take great delight in you because you are irresistible to me, inexplicably irresistible.” “Thanks, I love you too”, I answered. Still hopeful for some sort of revenge I ask, “Can you just zap him now to show me how much you love me?” Silence “Okay, just kidding. Thanks for the reminder.”

We ended up only staying one night. It was beautiful though, the waves of the Pacific ocean out the french doors in the front of our cabin and a beautiful forest and golf course was the view out of the back of the cottage. We played golf the day we were there and ate a nice meal in a local restaurant and came home. My plans had been about a few days of fun and relaxation but plans change. It was disappointing, not the wedding anniversary I had envisioned but I still love him anyway.

These are just the details of a story that happened a long time ago, but the bigger picture is that God loves you in such a beautiful way. Just as a woman loves a man, just as a parent loves their child. You are inexplicably irresistible to the Lord, and he sees you with eyes of great delight and joy. He finds you enchanting. Even when you frustrate his most carefully laid out plans.

Forbidden

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“My husband is not allowed to bring his work boots into the house.”

“My husband is allowed to see his children, but he’s not allowed to do super fun things without me being there.”

“My husband is not allowed to go out with his single friends.”

“My husband is not allowed to eat in the living room.”

“I don’t tell him how to run his business, he can’t tell me to run MY house.”

My house. That phrase resonated in my spirit. My house. These are all things I heard this month from women in my life. Can I just ask where we get off making rules like these for grown men? If feminism has taught us anything it has taught us that people get resentful when they are told they are not allowed to do something. What makes us, as wives, think we can dictate to another adult, who is supposedly our equal, what they can do in THEIR OWN HOME? Oh wait, maybe the key is, it isn’t their home, it’s ours. They just contribute a little cash.

What happens when we hear men say things like, “I don’t allow my wife to go out with her friends?” We become ENRAGED! How dare a man tell us what to do? He is marginalizing his wife. I’m afraid, dear friends, that the pendulum has swung the other way and it makes it no better just because a woman is calling the shots. A dictator is still a dictator and their subjects grow resentful under the weight of their demands.

I guess the questions I’m asking today are: when we complain that our husbands are acting like children, do we not see the source?

When we agreed to become partners did we not understand a ruler can not be partners with a slave, someone for whom they have no respect for?

What would be our response to a man who says, “My wife must have all of her chores done before I get to my house.”

YIKES I think we need to reevaluate our thinking.

But What If I Don’t Wanna?

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With not an inch of space to walk and the stench of a locker room emanating from the boy’s room, kitchen counters sticky from lemonade making and gently asking for two weeks daily for the sugar spilled on the kitchen table to be picked up before we were visited by ants, I finally flipped out. Granted, the sugar spills were daily in a new location and the sticky countertop was wherever the lemonade had made that day, at 17 you’d think he would pick stuff up right? Wrong!

My 17 year-old said, “You act as if we are doing this TO YOU. We aren’t. We simply don’t think about it. My teacher says you should only do what you are passionate about. Nothing else. I am trying to live that.”

I said, “Yeah well your teacher lies because he can’t say everything he does he is passionate about.”

“Yes he can, he loves teaching!!”

“He may love teaching but does he love getting to work on time, having meetings, meeting deadlines, and all that goes with that? Your dad loves preaching but he hates parts of his job. He does them because they allow him to pursue his passion. With everything you do, there are parts of it that aren’t so great but you do them to get to do what you want.”

“NO! He really doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“Whatever! Do you have groceries in this house?”

“Yes”

“Have you had them here for the last 10 years?”

“Yes”

“Well, I hate grocery shopping so what if I just stop doing that? Since it isn’t my passion?”

The eyes begin to look desperately for the next argument to prove his point.

“You see, you want more responsibility but you aren’t handling what you’ve been given. Until I see that you are taking care of this stuff, I can’t give you more.”

Yes, sometimes we look more like the Roseanne Barr Show than the average family.

There’s a bigger issue here. You see, we’ve created this monster, and it’s not just in our home, it’s in your home as well, and in many other homes. It’s the American spirit that has brought us to this mess. It’s this ideal that I was created to only do what I want to do and we should all live out our lives happy and entitled. Dishes should magically clean themselves and beds should come with a remote control that pull the sheets up. Work should be an afterthought or for the idiots who haven’t figured out what they were created to do.

And just to be clear here, I am not asking for perfection. I’m fine with closing the door to the kids rooms, but when the smell starts creeping down the stairs or when the dirty stinky shirt is on the kid who needs a ride in my car, it’s then that I have an issue.

There are things we do, not because we want to, but because we are part of a community and that requires the good of the whole, not the one. We need to get back to center and it starts in our home first.