State Of Confusion

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As I have been watching events unfold I am looking curiously at the ramifications of revelation. While some ramifications are positive as it gets us to right our world some are negative as we watch the pendulum swing in the opposite direction causing an imbalance.

I heard a man say he saw a co-worker walk into the office and commented, “You look pretty today.” He then said he went to his office and immediately panicked. Is that sexual harassment? Would he be called into HR or worse a meeting with his boss? Could he be fired?

This is the negative ramification of the #METOO #CHURCHTOO movement. While it certainly is wisdom to check your comments and behavior, it is not right that an innocent comment can be taken out of context. I get it though. We’re all prickly over the abuse of women in the workplace. It went on far too long and although women had rights and were working equally as hard as a man in the workplace, this was an area of vulnerability. There are those men who make you feel uncomfortable with their remarks and then there are those guys who are work buddies who never cross the line into inappropriate boundaries, only in this climate how do we tell the difference?

Is it how it makes me feel or what was actually said? I saw an older man who was married with seven kids and one with whom I had never detected an ounce of inappropriateness lose his job before my eyes. He was walking out the door of our building carrying an armload of work supplies just as a woman was walking into the building. He stepped to the left to let her pass but she also stepped to her right to let him go through as his hands were full and they both ended up face to face on the opposite side of the door. They then simultaneously stepped in the opposite direction. It has probably happened to us all. He then laughed and said, “Shall we dance?”, which is a saying that people his age use when this happen, as he backed up and moved away to allow her to come through the door. The woman immediately went to her supervisor and said the man made her feel uncomfortable and he was fired on the spot. Did he say or do something inappropriate or was it a feeling she had?

I once reported a military officer for inappropriate comments to me and was told by his commander, “Susan, do you really want to cause problems or be a team player?” I found another job.

The question in our society is now what is appropriate for a man? The answer seems to be whatever women want it to be which is unfair. The rules are changing and there seems to be a state of confusion which only leads to further abuse and misunderstanding.

Should a man pay for a date or is that sexist and silently saying he doesn’t believe women are capable of paying for dates?

Should a man compliment a co-worker or is that sexual?

Can a man be proud that he can provide for his wife and allow her to stay home with their children or does he demean her by offering this option?

Here is some advice for what it is worth…..

Let the man pay for the date. While it may seem old-fashioned, if my need as a woman is security let me know up front that I am a priority, that I have been thought about, and that I have been worth planning for. If I’m honest, my husband and I each plan and pay for dates, okay, okay it comes from the same account but it’s that thought and preparation that is key.

“Hey, you look nice today”, is not sexual harassment. It’s a comment. An appropriate response is, “Thank you”, as you move about your day. There doesn’t need to be a discourse on how you bought your dress on clearance at Marshalls. A healthy man couldn’t care less, save that for your girlfriend, that comment isn’t a reportable offense. Now, if he comes and says, “Hey, you look nice today, why don’t you come into my office and let me see what’s under that dress”, then heck yes, report it. That is not a man, that is a male and there is a difference.

A man who can adequately provide for his family and can offer his wife the decision to stay home is admirable. I do not ascribe to the male who can’t adequately provide for his family so they are leeching off of everyone so that his wife can stay home. No one put a gun to their head to have family. You BOTH have a responsibility to provide for your family. If he works days, you can work nights but pay for your own kids. Alright, off topic sorry.  If he’s proud he can provide then good for him. It doesn’t make him a caveman, or abusive. It makes him a man and that’s a great thing. The male who demands his wife stays home has work to do.

Let’s get back to a place where we celebrate each other, we call each other on truly bad things, and we don’t look for offense in every gesture or comment.

 

 

Left Behind

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Yesterday driving between appointments I heard on the news that Kate Spade had taken her own life. Beautiful, fun, adventurous, Kate Spade. The woman who seemed to be on top of her game. A beautiful family, a career of her own making, launching a new line, and yet we will never know what was going on inside of her. Life is like that. We see the outward success and aren’t privy to the inward struggle.

If you are suffering from depression I urge you to seek help. Suicide is often an act done in hopelessness. Think about it, it’s not having anything at all to live for. There is nothing that depression doesn’t take away, depression lies to you and mental illness is a very real thing. Depression torments and tells you that there is nothing worthy about you.

How do I know this? I witnessed it first hand. Those of you who have read this blog for years know that my husband committed suicide. The questions, the guilt, the anger, the despair are overwhelming for those of us left behind, those of us who loved, and some of these issues are never resolved. Oh sure, you learn to live with the feelings of not being or doing enough, but you never get over it.

Was there something you could have said?

Was there something you could have done?

Were we not important?

The simple and complete answer is No. However knowing the answer doesn’t change the mindset. Knowing that there was nothing you could do to stop it doesn’t make it better.

So with a heavy heart I write to you to tell you to always take threats seriously. Always, always, always, get help if someone you know is contemplating suicide. Don’t think they are attention seekers or just talking, or not really going to do it because you honestly don’t know anything of their internal struggle. Take every single threat seriously. Then in the same breath that I say this, please understand that there is NOT ONE SINGLE THING you can do to stop them if they choose to do it. Sometimes, those who commit suicide never even say anything at all. They leave their feelings in a note after the fact. Or they leave nothing behind that would give you any sort of clue as to why.

I have firsthand knowledge of how suicide can destroy the lives of loved ones left behind. I know firsthand how therapy can help but nothing ever truly heals completely. Today I am praying for every person who has lost hope. I am praying for Kate Spade’s family who is devastated, and for their lives whose course has changed forever.  I am praying for you too, the survivors who have lived through it, and for you, who are watching a loved one suffer and are scared it may just happen.

 

What If We Didn’t?

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There used to be a day when we had Polaroid Cameras. We snapped a picture, and out popped a black image framed by white paper that within a few minutes time turned into a picture before our eyes. They were candid shots. There was no delete and do-over, film cost money and you only got a limited amount of film. They were real.

Now we practice selfies. We can take a hundred pictures until we get it right and we practice angles, and we practice lighting, and we watch make-up tutorials, and then we pretend this was a candid shot and that we look this way all of the time. It’s completely fake.

When I was four, my father lifted me into his arms and we went into the den. My mom, my baby brother, and our nanny were sitting in the den and my dad said, “Remember this, you’re watching history.” I sat on the floor as we watched the first man walk on the moon. I don’t know if this is where it started but throughout my entire life I have memorized moments. Pictures can fade but memories are what life is made of.

What if we played with our children and didn’t post about it?

What if we drank coffee and didn’t advertise the fact that we did?

What if our ordinary daily lives were lived not in an underlying need to be seen and thought of as good but just to be who we are?

What if we got real and didn’t protest the opinion of others and instead embraced their right to feel differently?

Would the need for comparison end?

What if we just didn’t participate?

What if we checked out facts before posting our agenda?

Would polite conversations be had face to face?

What if we told the truth?

What if we stopped living to one-up our neighbor?

What if we stopped having wars on social media?

Would we stop having wars in the street?

 

 

 

Saying What I Want to Hear

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My girlfriend is dating one of those undateable guys. The no job, no car, going to be a millionaire one day, you need to check out my abs kind of guy. He keeps talking about what he is going to do one day. Except if you looked at his life five years ago, it looks just like right now. When we talk she admits she has reservations but he keeps saying what she wants to hear.  All the while she has to pick him up and pay for the dates. THAT’S another topic for another day.

We talked again last week and I asked her if I could blog about her. She laughed and agreed.

Potential is one of those things that can trip us up. You can see it but it doesn’t mean the person who has it will ever play it out.

The key here is to know who you are and know what you want because if you aren’t clear you’ll make unhealthy decisions that will wreck your life and you’ll ask yourself one day, “How did I get here?”

When I think about it, this advice goes for any decision in your life.

Do you have goals?

Do you have vision?

Are the things you are doing today leading towards or away from those goals?

 

 

Cinco

Your mommy made this video for me on my birthday and it made me cry because it’s true, I didn’t know you were my reason.

You came on your terms. You weren’t due to arrive quite yet. In fact, your parents still had things to do. From the very beginning you showed us you call your own shots, and if we’re honest, ours too. You showed up on 5/5/17. A Cinco De Mayo baby. Cameron Joshua Martinez was the name they placed on you. Cinco, Five, the number of God’s grace and favor towards man, and that is completely you Cameron. You are God’s favor upon our lives. I was so ready for you. I had prayed for you, dreamed about you, and so totally wanted you in my life. SHHHH! Don’t tell anyone but while the Prophet and Parents predicted a girl, I knew you were a boy. I knew you were a boy before you were conceived because I pray hard.

While your mommy was resting and trying to get comfortable, I put the very first diaper and sleeper on you and wrapped you in your receiving blanket. I kept tearing up as I    looked at your beautiful face, okay your handsome face.

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Your Papa, well let’s just say I think this was the day you wrapped him around your finger. He talks about you all of time and tears up because he loves you so much. He is the annoying grandparent who pulls out his phone and shows everyone pictures and videos of you. He recently announced on Facebook that you were walking even before your parents announced it. He thinks you are amazing and he called you a prodigy the other day because you love to play the drums. From his mouth to God’s ear let him prophesy over you the blessing of music and coordination.

 

 

Now, with your first birthday coming up I have to tell you that this year has flown by. I  don’t even think I  blinked and you are turning one. We go and visit you often because we want to be in your life and we want to spend time with you. Lots of time with you.  You know us and immediately come to us and we’re “in the loves” as your Tia Casey used to say, and that makes my heart happy.

 

I expected to love you. I expected to spend time with you but I didn’t know the magnitude to which this love would reach. I love you beyond measure. Everything you do is a wonder. If God truly loves us more than this, I think my heart would explode at that level.

Sometimes I look at you and I see your mommy’s face, other times you look like your daddy but always there is a quiet determination in your eyes. You will achieve what you set out to accomplish. You are a great mix of the two of them. Serious like your daddy, and yet willing to set out on an adventure like your mommy. You also have a sarcastic sense of humor which is a generational curse blessing that you get from your daddy and I. You can say, “Dada”, when your daddy is not in the room but you call him “Mama” to his face just because you can. In fact we had a good laugh the other day because it sounded like you said, “BA-ON” for Baron, our new puppy, but when your daddy was trying to get you say “Dada” you stubbornly said, “Mama”. I am proud to say that you call me, “Nanananana”, when you feel like it.

 

Somewhere along the line I started calling you Hameron because you have learned how to manipulate with your please face,  and happy face, and funny face.

 

We share our secret times together. We let you do things like eat Cheese Puffs, and drive your car inside of the house.

 

 

I’m so happy to have you in my life. I’m grateful to God for you. I bless you with a Happy 1st Birthday and of course we bought you something awesome.

 

Happy Birthday Cameron. Your Nana and Papa love you with everything they are. You are truly a blessing.

Love,

Cam’s Nan

Before It Breaks

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I had been noticing that a line was forming on the back of my wedding ring but honestly, we’re pastors and the Christmas season is busy. I mean seriously, it has to wait because what pastor is working anywhere else but church during the second most important day of the year?

It began snagging things right after Christmas. Honestly, how does this happen? Sheesh! I’ll have to stop and take it to the shop, next week maybe. UGH what an inconvenience.

On New Year’s Day during our New Year’s Dinner it broke entirely. The weld came loose and my engagement ring and my wedding ring came apart. Not slowly either, just poof it was broken.

BAM! Then it hit me looking at my wedding ring on the kitchen counter that marriage is like that. The signs of trouble come up at the most inopportune times. We ignore them because we think there is a bigger picture and it will hang on, and vows, and forever, and all that.  After all, our marriage, like our ring is platinum, it’s not white gold. Platinum is 95% pure while white gold is 58% pure. We’re good, we’re in it for the long haul. These problems will wait until we have time to fix them.  So we keep going on with life as if there isn’t a problem brewing.

Things begin to hit a snag. An argument here, a passive aggressive action there, and we think we’ll get through it as we keep moving forward in other areas. We’re a team, teams have ups and downs.

Then all of a sudden it’s broken. Just like that. It isn’t like we didn’t know. It isn’t like we didn’t see it coming. It was never out of the blue. We may lie and say we didn’t know but we saw the crack and felt the snag.

Take the time to get your marriage serviced. Even the most loyal people have their limits. Even the most loving people make mistakes. Even the person with the upmost integrity breaks.

I read a study that said that 75% of all divorced couples say they made a mistake five years later they felt they quit too soon. Often it’s too late to go back and repair. One or the other has moved on. One or the other has had other children. It’s too late.

Thankfully for me, it was only my rings that are broken. My husband I work on diligently on our marriage because we know how important it is. We will alert each other to signs as they come up and we will take the time to fix any cracks as they arise. We aren’t perfect but we keep a line of communication open to one another and we examine ourselves regularly. We haven’t been opposed to getting professional help when needed either in the early years of blending our family. As my husband loves to tell people, “We’re in this for life. No one is leaving this marriage except in a box. Hmm I wonder if this is why sometimes I wake up with a pillow over my head?”

Yes, I married the comedian.

How’s your marriage?

Thanksgiving Before Christmas

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Jeremiah 8:7 Even the stork in the heavens knows her times, and the turtledove, swallow, and crane keep the time of their coming, but my people know not the rules of the LORD.

This time of year gets so busy that sometimes I forget that Jesus came to set us free from frantic endeavors. I  get caught up in the rush of this season. This year, I don’t want to scramble through this time feeling pressured.  I don’t want to be so busy that I  can’t  or don’t take time to bless people with the love that Jesus came to leave with us.

I found myself making a Christmas list and it was October. This season does go by fast but so does every season. I put the list away and determined to wait until after Thanksgiving to continue this list.

You see, I love Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is special. Thanksgiving is special food, special preparation, special tradition, it’s looking back on the year and being grateful for everything, the good, the bad, and the indifferent.

Christmas is a different kind of special. I love shopping for special gifts, wrapping them up and then giving them. I like to pick thoughtful gifts and I am made in the image of my Father in heaven so I know this isn’t a fluke thing, I was made to be a gift giver and so are you.

That’s what Jesus is to me. He’s the special gift that God sent especially for me and for you. He wrapped Himself plainly so we would have to look for the value of Him and the heart of the One who gave the gift. God had to wait for the perfect time to give it. Not too early and not too late but just in time. I wonder as I write this if God felt the anticipation of waiting for the season to arrive as we do? Timing is everything.

I’m not going to rush this season. I am going to take my time. I am going to bless like Jesus and not get so busy that I forget we have a Thanksgiving before we have a Christmas.  I am going to enjoy the special services. I am going to meditate on the gift. The truth is that I have trouble with receiving gifts.  I don’t want people to make a fuss about me but you know what? That’s often pride. So I’m going to learn to receive and I’m going to wait to give in the proper season. I am going to appreciate our life and take one season at a time.

So do you find yourself so busy with the hectic Christmas season that it becomes a to-do list and not a get-to celebrate season? Does it get stressful as you budget to give? Can you take time to stop this year and enjoy the moments and bless as Jesus blesses by being present as a present?