Category: parenting

September

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Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changing the mind of pretenders
While chasing the clouds aways

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night
Remember, how the stars stole the night away ~ Earth Wind and Fire September

September. The ninth month. A month of birthing dreams and prophetic destinies. What a month. The song rolling through our minds was September because it spoke of the last day of summer and my due date to birth my son. Only my son marches to the beat of his own drummer and so he decided to arrive on the first day of fall instead. Not one to go out on the last season, he began his life by marking a new season. How could I have known that this wonderful joy would so enthrall my life?

Yet, here he is on the eve of his 32nd birthday and he is just as wonderful to me as the day he was born. As I write this, he on vacation with his wife in Washington D.C.. This makes me smile as I know he is a happy traveler and especially happy to share his life with Frances. He loves history and I know he is a walking encyclopedia of every historical event marker there. This kind of vacation makes him happy!

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end ~ Daughtry

So the timing was off in his conception and birth. And everything was completely backward in the scheme of what we know to do. The fact still remains it was worth it in the end. To know love at this level and experience a tiny little hand in yours who trusts you for everything life giving. It’s the responsibility that none should take casually.

September 22: “Autumn is the perfect time to take account of what we’ve done, what we didn’t do, and what we’d like to do next year.” ~ Author Unknown

So here is my assessment of September 22:

What we’ve done – created and birthed a simply outstanding human being. Words can not express how I feel about this love of mine. He is kind, and he shows such a strength about him. He is funny in a sarcastic way and I love to be with him and listen to his jokes, his politics, his thoughts on his life with Jesus.

What we didn’t do – We didn’t slow down enough. I was always in a hurry, always running to the next thing, I so want a do over on those things.

What we’d like to do next year – Haha! Is it too too much to hope that next year we are holding a little mini me combo of Anthony and Frances? Is it okay to dream aloud? I know that I will be a solidly great and fantastic Nana!

Happy Birthday Anthony!! You are forever loved and will always be My Sunshine!

The Two Dogs

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A MAN had two dogs: a Hound, trained to assist him in his sports, and a Housedog, taught to watch the house. When he returned home after a good day’s sport, he always gave the Housedog a large share of his spoil. The Hound, feeling much aggrieved at this, reproached his companion, saying, “It is very hard to have all this labor, while you, who do not assist in the chase, luxuriate on the fruits of my exertions.” The Housedog replied, “Do not blame me, my friend, but find fault with the master, who has not taught me to labor, but to depend for subsistence on the labor of others.”

Children are not to be blamed for the faults of their parents.

Translated by George Fyler Townsend. Aesop’s Fables (p. 36). Amazon Digital Services, Inc..

Parenting Isn’t Weak

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The child was running around the clothing racks at a store, knocking down clothing and running into people. Oblivious mom was saying in a sing song voice that the clerk was going to “get” her child. The child would look over at the clerk and then proceed to run amok.

The teen who is having issues at home walks into church. I smile and greet them, only to hear the mother in a stern voice say, “Now! Tell Pastor Susan what you did and see if you still think it’s no big deal.”

So let me ask you a question: How secure, as a child, would you be to tell the store clerk that you lost your parent in the store and that you’re a little scared?

Then: How secure would you feel as a teen in our church to come and tell me something that was on your heart, if you thought I’d side with your parent?

When did we lose our heart as parents to our children? When did we lose the ability to handle situations ourselves? Why do we have this need to look good at any cost, including the well being of our children?

It’s About ME!

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“She’s got tickets to her own show. But nobody wants to go.” ~ Adam Levine

I love this picture because it shows perfectly what is going on these days. Have you noticed the increase in selfies everywhere? They have to show their makeup, their hairstyle, they have to look longingly at the camera, and every day there has to be a new triumphant picture. There is nothing of a thought process or a growth process, it’s all about ME!! Sure, a great picture of yourself once in a while is great, don’t get me wrong. I love to look at pictures of your vacation, or things you find important, it’s just that you find yourself important each and every day. What is really going on with you? That’s the conversation. What really are you about? That’s what forms our friendship.

“You’re perfect on the outside but nothing at the core.” ~ Adam Levine

Try to form a real friendship and get to the heart of matters and narcissists shut down into comedy or lies. It’s interesting too because the self absorbed narcissist doesn’t even bother to remember the lies.

A new analysis of the American Freshman Survey, which has accumulated data for the past 47 years from 9 million young adults, reveals that college students are more likely than ever to call themselves gifted and driven to succeed, even though their test scores and time spent studying are decreasing. ~ Keith Abloom

Read more:

Gifted in what, is what I’d like to ask? Make up, hair, and clothing of course, but could they compete at a college level, high school level, or elementary school level in education? Probably not as the US is ranked 17th out of 40 developed countries in education, yet we spend the most per child, but that’s a different topic. And to what end? At what point do we stop measuring the exterior and get to what matters? What happens when we do and the house of cards comes falling down?

That’s really the unavoidable end, by the way. False pride can never be sustained. The bubble of narcissism is always at risk of bursting. That’s why young people are higher on drugs than ever, drunker than ever, smoking more, tattooed more, pierced more and having more and more and more sex, earlier and earlier and earlier, raising babies before they can do it well, because it makes them feel special, for a while. They’re doing anything to distract themselves from the fact that they feel empty inside and unworthy. ~ Keith Ablow

And the farther we go down the trail of narcissism, the more blame gets put on the people who are trying to bring some reality to the fake picture of pride. They are labeled jealous, mean, judgmental, haters of the narcissists beauty. In the greek mythology story of Narcissus, where we get the word narcissist, he was a beautiful hunter who was proud and who hated those who loved him because he was only in love with himself. Until one day he looked in a pond and fell in love with his image and there he died staring at himself. There isn’t much of a difference between Narcissus and the narcissists of today. They are dying without realizing that their idol worship has cost them their lives.

It’s funny how you say that you made it on your own when you haven’t worked for anyone your daddy didn’t know. ~ Adam Levine

Lie Witness News

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Jimmy Kimmel does this skit on his show where he interviews fans of celebrities and asks them questions about the celebrity that aren’t true to get their reaction. All I have to say is, from a father who lies to the camera about his daughter’s reaction to something that never happened, to girls who really showed no character or thought process to the questions being asked, we need to start teaching what really matters!

The Can’t Get It Together Dads

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Scare a woman and she will attack. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Listening to an interview with Cindy Crawford she talked about life after her parent’s divorce and how it shaped her adult life. She said her father would come by their home once a week to drop off his child support except when he was mad at her mother. Then he would punish his family by not providing support for that week which created a scenario where they were short on groceries. She said that the effect on her as a child created an inner vow in which she said she would never depend on a man for finances. That vow created a problem in her marriage where her husband wanted to take care of her but she could not allow it. She had to reconcile this vow within her to reasonable conclusion.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

My cousin recently posted on Facebook that her husband took their daughter’s high school graduation program to the court the following week to cut his child support, even though their daughter received great grades and was going to college. Basically he let his daughter know he was not going to be responsible for her education and that he had been biding his time. The immediate ramifications are rejection, hurt, and disappointment to a young adult whom this man has donated sperm to, but not fathered. Abuse in any form is intolerable.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

I know a man, who refused to pay his full child support. He would tell his ex wife, “you’ll get what you get”. Their custody arrangement was one in which he was to pay for half of the medical but he would call her cussing and yelling at her every time she took their children to the doctor and would tell her he would  not F&**%$#  pay for it. What was she doing wrong that made them sick. When his daughter needed braces his reply was, his teeth were straight so it obviously was the mother’s DNA that created the problem so she could pay for it. College? Forget it. He paid partial payments of his inadequate support to coincide with their 18th birthday. Visitation was random to say the least. Yet to hear it be told he was misunderstood. Fortunately for this little family of three, another man came in and picked up the tab and they were saved from the statistic that besets women of falling into poverty.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

In all of these cases the children were abused. I call it abuse because not caring whether your children have enough food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, education, and above all love is abuse. I could quote scripture but a get it together dad is unbeliever because love would have led them to a different conclusion.

The results of this type of behavior have long lasting effects. Children live their lives always looking over their shoulders not sure if they will be taken care of or not because security is what both their parents should have given. They can’t fully trust in a relationship because at any moment that person may walk and they will be left holding the bag of responsibility. I’m sorry doesn’t make up for the years of abuse poured on by the can’t get it together dad.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

Sadly though she attacks the wrong man.

The Object Of My Affection

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In  a Human Sexuality class that I took in college we studied the topic of public displays of affection, or PDA. We determined to shelf what Western Civilization deems as normal, holding hands, a kiss. We discussed the topic of making out, grabbing each other’s butts or breasts, or grinding on the dance floor. What did it say about a person? How did it make those around them feel? What was the meaning behind it?

The discussion went along the vein of it makes others feel uncomfortable when a couple is groping at each other. Until that discussion I had never really thought about what it meant. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and very inappropriate to view someone’s private life on display in public but was there a meaning there?  Then the professor brought up a thought process that I had never considered. He proposed that the groping of each other in public is actually not for the sexual pleasure of the couple but rather a branding or peeing on territory. In other words, grabbing your girlfriend’s butt in public let’s everyone know he/she is your property. Grabbing her breast in public shows everyone what little respect you have for her and what little respect she has for herself. She becomes a willing object rather than a human being. Interestingly, along comes a study in 2010 by the University of Virginia called the  National Marriage Project, it showed that couples who engage in PDA are 1.5 times more likely to end in divorce. Why?  PDA is more about performing and looking good for others than putting the needs of your partner first.

Then there was the topic of hickeys. Sucking on someone’s neck until you bruise them. Interestingly if you bruise a woman or a child you could be charged with abuse, but bruising a neck has no such connotation until you think about it. What does it speak to the world about you? It plainly says that you are intimate. For a married couple that should be a given, for a single couple that says what? It also brands you as property. One male classmate actually shared that he gave hickeys as a sign to his friends that he had gotten somewhere with that girl. Interestingly, the guys in our class thought it was trashy for a women to have hickeys, but didn’t mind giving them. So they were saying in essence that they would devalue a woman if she devalued herself. I will never forget that discussion.

Ladies, we aren’t cows that need to be branded as someone’s property. I don’t need to make out  in public with my husband to prove our intimacy with each other. Time will prove if what we have between us is real or fake.

Have you ever thought about what it says to the world when you show up to work, school, church, or a friend’s house with a hickey? It means you are someone’s object. I am not some thing. I am someone. I am a daughter of a King. I am not one who considers that a small insignificant matter. I am not defined by any man’s perspective of me. I’ve been defined already.  I don’t know, I think we’ve fought too hard to get to where we are to cheapen ourselves and let the world know that we don’t consider ourselves much.

Stepmom Appreciation

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This Sunday, May 19, is Stepmother’s Day. I want to give a shout out to all the women who are working this day out today. When you come into a pre-existing family, there are rules and rituals already established that you are not a part of. It’s never easy but with some help there is hope.

As one warrior to another, let me say that you are more than enough. You not only took on a new marriage and a new love of your life, you promise to love the children that are part of the man you chose. You now represent the majority of families in America, for better or worse. Love them well and know that you are a mentor. They  have two parents and so you aren’t there to replace anyone. You are merely there to mentor, guide, and love. You can do this! Get a great support group. They abound in communities and on the Internet. If you are looking for some help, don’t hesitate to find a good therapist who specializes in step families! I am part of a wonderful group of women who not only visit each other, call each other, and support each other, they are going through the same thing. Some are further along and help you navigate the path more clearly. My stepmom friends have been an absolute godsend to me! I don’t have a clue what I would have done without them. I honestly think my marriage would have been in danger without them. They cheered me on, they loved me through it, they told me when I was wrong, they helped me step back when I was in too deep, and they brought me back from the brink many times. I love them as sisters and mentors!

Today I honor you. You are brave. You are trying. You are amazing to even take on this endeavor. Most of you are not evil, though I’ve met some while not evil, are narcissistic and foolish. That’s an ugly combo. Hopefully that’s not you. I love you and just in case everyone forgets, I wish you happy Stepmother’s Day from the very bottom of my heart!

 

Even Birds Do It

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Think of the now ubiquitous “failure to launch” syndrome of those twenty- or thirty-somethings still living with their parents. They cannot end childhood and fully enter adulthood. But the bigger issue is often the parents’ inability to end the pattern and stop the toxic dependency by pushing the grown “kid” out of the nest. They refuse to end their “helping” role, which is not in fact helping.

Cloud, Henry (2011-01-18). Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward (p. 11). HarperCollins. Kindle Edition.

The book Necessary Endings will clarify things for you. I read it at a moment of desperation and eliminated and limited detrimental things in my life, even clutter both physical and mental because the wisdom penetrated that deeply. However, this thought made me stop reading for over 24 hours as I processed the concept and tried to figure out the why.

There is an idolatry of ourselves going on these days and it manifests in the control of our children. We have determined that our child is the smartest, brightest, most likely to succeed (even if I have to do it for you), brilliant, talented, moral, beautiful, and end all to all humanity. Cancer has not been remedied, nor wars ended simply because our child has not reached that age of maturity YET. But fear not world! Our child will git-ur-dun. Oh, and by the way, if you don’t like my child? Well, you’re just a hater who wishes your child was as good as mine.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only woman on the planet who thinks her children are smart and they are one of many smart children, but my measure is are they good kids? I think my kids are good looking but so are so many other people but are their hearts right with God?  I love my kids but life is life, consequences are consequences and  I knew one day I would push them out of the nest so that they can either fly, or fall to the ground. So far my stats are decent. Two have launched willingly, two have been launched, all have flown. Only, the verdict isn’t in yet because I hear sometimes they boomerang.

We could just chalk this failure to launch thing to the economy, to immaturity, to a variety of factors but the statistics are that suicides and homicides are climbing, depression, anxiety, sleep disorders, drug usage, and STD’s are at an all time high among our kids. Something is wrong. What is it?

Could it be that in this consumer driven, all about me culture that we live in we fear that our children’s failure reflects on us?

Therefore, propping them up in whatever capacity we can alleviates the self-inflicted embarrassment that is thrust on us. We have to have the best kid  and provide the best privilege because we are the best parents.

If you think I’m wrong watch how it plays out. I’ve seen parents of adult children throw their grandchildren on the altar of their ego manifested in their child. We all watched it play out with the Casey Anthony case. We aren’t doing it for the child’s sake. We’re doing it for ourselves. We have created an image of ourselves and the statues that we worship resemble the faces of our children because they look like ours. None of us have to watch TV to see how this plays out. We need only to look in our own homes and those of our community to see the reality.

Despite the Lie Part 2

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Read Part 1 Here.

 

I know many young women who shack up and have babies outside of the confines of marriage, and since I was once them, I ask why and they say things like:

I’d like to be married but he doesn’t want to.

We’re happy and good just like this.

My parents got married and had kids and they still ended up divorced.

My parents got divorced when I was 11 and so nothing is for sure.

He doesn’t want to get married and I am cool with that.

That’s all great if they would not have kids being dragged through all of this, but it’s generally not the case.

Remember the bible verse from Part 1: The violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’.

So we shack up, we break up, we take those kids made in the first relationship to meet the new love, make some more kids, and everyone is supposed to be alright through all of this despite the lie.  Then I saw it first hand, not from the perspective of the single mom, that I was, but rather the kids.  I saw teenagers who looked normal, who were smiling, laughing, talking, shouting, running, skipping, jumping, and loving each other just moments before, teens who seemed to be carefree, raise their hands as they said the violent dismemberment of their family made them feel as if their lives were over.

It is then no wonder that living together looks so appealing. If all they know is that marriages are meant to be broken and all they cause is heartache then why would you want that? Only facts play out differently. The fact is that with some help, books and counseling, an attitude change, most marriages can be fixed. Of course we’d never advocate staying in an abusive situation, as that’s just crazy, but go back to the scripture that we read in the last post.

Malachi 2:13 And here’s a second offense: You fill the place of worship with your whining and sniveling because you don’t get what you want from God. 14 Do you know why? Simple. Because God was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride, and now you’ve broken those vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife. 15 God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that’s what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you. Don’t cheat on your spouse. 16 “I hate divorce,” says the God of Israel. God-of-the-Angel-Armies says, “I hate the violent dismembering of the ‘one flesh’ of marriage.” So watch yourselves. Don’t let your guard down. Don’t cheat. ~The Message

It’s talking about adultery here. It’s not saying you broke those marriage vows because you refused to take the trash out, or you and I had a different vision for the future, in fact God is saying, and it’s consistent in the New Testament, that the only thing that breaks the marriage vows is adultery. Even then, when I saw the teens break down at the youth conference I wondered if we adults could look at those broken kids and maybe even fix that? Maybe despite the lie that it’s only sex and it means nothing because ‘baby, you wear my ring’, we couldn’t work harder at keeping it together and keeping our kids whole. Because all I see is a generation that’s about to be violently dismembered before they even had a chance.

Actually if there is anything good about the economy tanking it’s that some people are postponing divorce. Maybe one of those couples will read this and change their mind. One can only pray.