The Blessings Of Friends

September 8, 2014September 5, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

I was talking to a friend this week about an issue that were happening in our lives and I was left with a statement I made that made me think. I said, “You’re never going to have long term relationships outside of strong mature women.”

It made me realize how blessed I am to have my circle of friends. Do you ever just look around at those closest to you? I’m not talking about the 500 friends on Facebook, I’m talking about the five or maybe it’s one. The ones you call as soon as something great happens, and the ones you call as soon as something not so great happens. I recently called a friend after midnight:

“Did I wake you up?”

“You woke me and my whole house up. *$%&, hang on….. now the dog wants to go out.” (muffle, shuffle) “It’s okay, it’s Susan”, then she’s back “Are you okay?”

“Yes! I read your dramatic FB post, are you okay?”

(chuckle) “Yes, just an employee issue.”

“What made you post it?”

“Well it was rant or punch her. What do you think I should’ve done? Wait, never mind.”

“Are you sure? Why are you asleep at midnight?”

“I’m 52, sometimes, I get tired. What are you the sleep police?”

“And menopausal. Geez not looking forward to 52. Okay go back to sleep, I thought it was urgent. Next time don’t put your drama on FB, no one really cares.”

“Okay. HEY WAIT! Are you okay? Am I missing something in this sleep fog? Am I supposed to be hearing something in your voice?”

“I’m fine. Talk to you tomorrow. Don’t forget the dog is outside. love you bye.”

“love you bye”

Those friends? Those friends who you can say anything to and when there’s an offense you work it out privately? Those friends who love you even though they know why your hair is in ball cap? Or know you drink Oolong tea?

My friends are made up of strong independent women. They don’t have the same politics as I do, well, actually, most people don’t as I am a Libertarian, but hey, I hear more of you are coming around to independent free thinking, so the discussions can get profound and heated and both at the same time. They aren’t all Christians and so we respect our beliefs and discuss the intersections. They aren’t all married, don’t all have children, don’t all have stepchildren, and don’t all love high heels.

Here is who they all are:

Women who are happy with themselves (okay, well we have those issues but we aren’t obsessed).

Involved in their community, either through political affiliation, civic organizations, charitable works, or the local sports mom.

Caring and compassionate, they will actually pay for the coffee of the person in the line at Starbucks behind them.

They can hold a well rounded conversation, whether it the latest Liane Moriarity book, or what, if anything, we need to be doing about the Ukraine, and who is favored to win the Super Bowl this year?

Positive and impacting although sometimes you have to wait for it because the NOT OKAY you get at the moment you’re committing the bonehead decision doesn’t seem so positive.

I am blessed. I have very little time in my life but I can pick up a phone at midnight and wake up a friend to tell her I care. How about you? Are you blessed with your friendships? Are you present in the moment with your friends? Do you sometimes just look around and realize you have people in your life with whom you can be real with and who don’t judge you for your faults but love you through them? I really hope you do. It’s such an important part of life. I am honored by the company I keep. I hope it’s that way for you.

Cheating On Your Spouse

September 1, 2014August 30, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

I was listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger this week when a caller called for advice on a dilemma he was having. It seems he’s been having an affair with a woman for three years. His wife had been battling breast cancer and now that things had stabilized it was time for him to make decisions about his future.

Dr. Laura asked him what the pros and cons were as he said he’d thought them through. He said that the pros would be he has more in common with the woman he was having an affair with. The cons would be that he had six kids with his wife, two were married and probably going to have kids soon, and he’d end up being the visiting grandpa. He went on to say that his wife had been kind to him, and a good wife. His other con was that how could he really trust this woman who had so willingly had an affair with a married man? How could the woman really trust him either even though he’d been faithful for many years before an affair knowing he was willing to have an affair with her?

That is the crux of the problem isn’t it? Trust for all three of them will never the same. Because no matter what you tell yourself, as this man did, that he been faithful for many years before he cheated, he did cheat, he broke a promise, to himself, to his wife, and to his children. How do you stand in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eye when you know you’ve not been a person of character? You’ve not been a person who can keep your word? And then how do the people involved trust you either? Yes, no one is perfect and we’ve all done incredibly stupid things, it’s true, but slippery slopes which rob you of your character, are pitfalls to be avoided at all costs.

Dr. Laura ended the call with a some very good advice. She said that of course he felt closer to the woman he was having an affair with. Marriage was different than dating and shacking up. It is. I’ve talked to so many people who got married to long term shack ups and ended up divorced because it is different. She also said that if he would put the effort into treating his wife the way he did his mistress he might discover his marriage was good. She also told him he would risk more than being the visiting grandpa. He’d risk the total relationship with his children. She said they would always side with their mother and they may not want the mistress at weddings and such. It also meant that he would put immense pressure on the mistress to fulfill all that he had lost and that it wasn’t possible for her to do so. She in turn would put pressure on him to choose her when the family didn’t want her around.

There was a lot said in this call. One worth sharing. Maybe someone reading this post today saves themselves a lot of heartache by honoring their vows and staying true to themselves and their family.

Genuine Kindness

August 26, 2014August 26, 2014 tlc4women1 Comment

Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times.

Something happened at TLC last week that just made me smile!

I preached a message on purses. I talked about the stuff we carry in our purses, what is necessary and what isn’t. I grabbed the purses in my closet and went to church and set them up. There were 8 of them. Four of them are going to be cleaned up to donate to the RMA thrift store and four of them I keep for sentimental value. A purse that my husband bought me on our first Christmas, one which was handmade in Africa, one that is from the 40’s that I use for decorative purposes, and one which was a splurge.

One of the women of TLC asked, “Susan are those all your purses?”

I said yes and then held my breath……..

I love clothes and shoes and purses and as a woman in ministry it is often a place of criticism. I had a Pastor’s wife come up to me once and say, “Just how many pairs of boots does one woman need? Don’t you know there are people who have no shoes?” I do in fact know that, and I do in fact, give to many missions projects but this type of judgment happens all of the time, not just to me, I’m not special. I once heard a person say, Bill Gates wasn’t being generous when he gave a gift of $100,000.00 to a project. They said, “$100,000 is like me giving $10. Bill Gates could afford to give more. Only, to me, $100,000 is not like $10, it’s like $100,000. Bill Gates could have given nothing at all.

So why did I hold my breath?

The comments. The people who are ready to pounce with condemnation. I held my breath because even though I work through the comment, it still makes me sad that I live in a space where it even matters. I realize that the comments are not my problem.

The response surprised me.

“Susan, we need to trade purses sometime. You have some I like.”

YAY! There was no negative comment or judgment. I loved it. It made me happy.

I went home and told my husband.

I told a few close friends this past week, each time with a smile on my face.

So I asked her which of the purses she liked the most? She liked an animal print one I had. You know something? I was going to give her whichever one she chose, sentimental one or not. Someone who was genuinely happy. I shared it at TLC last night and there were lots of smiles! It felt good not to be on the hot seat. It felt really, really good!

God is working on me. I pray he is working on you as well this week. May you experience little moments of happiness as you cross hurdles into your most excellent future.

Dead or Alive?

August 25, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Luke 24: 1 Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. 2 But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb. 3 Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. 5 Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead?

I woke up with the sentence in my head :

Why do you seek the living among the dead?

Why do we seek the approval of man instead of Jesus?

Why do we uplift others opinions as fact rather than the words that Jesus spoke over us?

Why do we find our identity in who are friends are?

Why do we seek to glorify ourselves?

Why do we offer up our bodies as sacrifice to artificial love?

Why do we care more about people on Facebook than God?

Why do we care so much about our filtered image on Instagram when this flesh is just a tent?

Why do we speak death instead of life?

Why do we yoke up with worry?

Why do we yoke up with disdain?

Why do we yoke up with gossip?

Why don’t we pray when things are good?

Why don’t we care more?

Why do we not know what is going on in the world?

Why are we not concerned with the political arena?

Why do we dismiss dominion and embrace bondage?

Why do we dismiss self control and embrace victimization?

Why do we make excuses to continue to move, and breathe, and have our being in dead carcasses and not live in a breathing, moving Holy Spirit?

Why not look again into a mirror and see the reflection that can bring us a life worth living eternally?

Why do we continue to seek the living among the dead?

When Does It Become A Disservice?

August 15, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

I read this today and thought about how hard this decision is to make. On the one hand, you want to help those in need. On the other hand, when it becomes a perpetual thing you tend to get resentful. I think there are some clear cut boundaries that need to be set in place. I also know that these types of posts make people angry and so it won’t be popular. You see, most people think you need to be generous with your money, but they should get to spend theirs any way they choose. It’s human nature. I get it.

So when is it mismanaging your money to loan money to misbehavior?

When you begin to enable the person to live frivolously.

I remember a story of a brother who made two to three times as much as his brother. The brother who made more didn’t control his spending and when it came time to pay for rent, he would hit the modest means brother up for cash. It made the modest means brother feel puffed up that yes, yes, despite his brother’s success, he was still more successful.

How does the loaning of money to a person who mismanages make you feel? If you’re honest and generous by nature, you feel pretty good. There’s a measure of satisfaction in it. They need your help and you’re in a position to help. There is a danger in these feelings in that you become their source. They no longer look to God for provision they look to you. You begin to build an idol of yourself.

What happens when it’s month after month? A feeling of resentfulness creeps in. You begin to count their money as if it is yours. You begin to judge their spending habits. It also begins to form a wedge in your relationship because both of you begin to feel awkward.

Proverbs 22:7 says

the borrower is servant to the lender.

The lender begins to demand repayment, or secretly seethes, and the borrower doesn’t like the pressure and begins to withdraw. It makes the borrower look ungrateful and dodgy and it furthers the wedge. This is where offense so easily comes in and before you know it, people are not speaking, judging is taking place, and teams are being set up depending on whose story is going to be believed. It becomes a mess.

So what boundaries need to be put in place?

1. Don’t lend money if you can’t afford to lose it. If you can’t be at peace with giving it and never seeing it again, then don’t loan it. There is a chance that the borrower may not pay it back.

2. It’s okay to say no. If you don’t feel right about loaning it then don’t. Don’t however, be a miser. Generosity is a privilege and you should do what you can. This is heart check time. Examine why you don’t want to lend it.

3. It’s okay to go buy groceries for a person rather than give them money if you are unclear how it’s going to be spent.

4. Watch patterns and behaviors. Sometimes a person is going to need to take on extra hours at work or a second job for a season to make ends meet. If they are unwilling then you need to think about your role. Conversely, if they have learned to depend on overtime, they need to cut back their spending. Overtime is not salary. It’s extra. It should be saved actually but that’s another post.

5. If they are wasteful spenders be careful. This doesn’t have to be lavish but what if they don’t have money for food and gas but when they received a few hundred dollars extra they went and got a gym membership rather than catch up? Don’t fault them for buying essentials. If they received a few hundred dollars and bought shoes and clothes for their kids, I don’t in any way consider this wasteful. If they caught up on bills, or made an extra payment on a bill I don’t consider that wasteful. Be careful how you are judging.

6. If they are consistently borrowing, get them in front of a financial planner. Sometimes, the best money you can help with is some professional help. If they refuse then so do you refuse to be part of their mismanagement.

7. If they don’t know where their money is going, they won’t know where yours is going either. Every dollar should have a name. If they are people who live broke then that is their lifestyle, be aware of that going in.

Disservice by definition is a harmful action. Use wisdom. Some people get used to being rescued and it becomes an expectation.

How Do I Serve You?

August 13, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

I watched you as you walked into church today.
Your spirit was low, and a slight smile hit your lips but your eyes are vacant.
Everyone says that if I knew you before I wouldn’t recognize you.
You were a carefree person who was outgoing and kind.
What is clear is that something happened.

From my vantage point of outside of your life I see some nice things.
Money, a spouse, and some crazy little kids.
Isn’t that what we all want and work so hard to get?
What has you so distraught?
Then I see it loud and clear.

How do I serve you best?
Is it any of my business because you haven’t asked for help?
I realize that my place is to pray.
And then I need to pray some more.
Find your voice again. Please find your voice again.

Words. You don’t have to beat someone to wound them deep.
You don’t have to leave external marks to do serious damage.
You just have to consistently drum a cadence of words that kill a spirit.
You just have to get them to agree with the wounding words to kill them.
Forever is a long time to be in an abusive relationship.

I wish I could put my strength to work in you.
Only it doesn’t work that way does it?
I have to begin to purposefully speak life to you.
Every. Single. Time. I. Engage. You.
Every time we meet.

My heart went out to you today and I don’t think it was a mistake.
I think the Lord showed me what a broken spirit looks like.
I think the Lord gave me compassion for you.
I think the Lord will make a way.
I think the Lord is sending your healing.

I pray He is.
I certainly pray He is.
Lord give me words to speak.

A Mother’s Heart

July 16, 2014 tlc4women3 Comments

I watch with interest as thousands of children arrive at our border. While the pundits on both the left and the right argue and do nothing but fight for political gain, I can’t help but be saddened. For us and for them.

I see a hopeless parent put their child on a train to cross borders of countries illegally in hopes of a promise. Perhaps the child will die in transit but for a parent it is better than the life they can provide. As a citizen in a country where we don’t even let our child play outside alone, let alone talk to strangers this must be heart-wrenching.

Oh, we can demonize the parent if it makes us feel better because parents of children from other countries can’t possibly love their children as much as we do. We can say it’s a political ploy and these are nothing more than pawns, and we are correct they are pawns, only the more we dehumanize children the easier it is for us to make snap judgment.

And they have lice and diseases, and we have lice and diseases, only we have access to a drug store and vaccinations and money and we clean up well and they don’t. And they send gang members and children who are incorrigible and we have gang members and children who are incorrigible in big cities sent to live with relatives in smaller towns, but somehow we measure more worthy because our poor children are a product of the lack of opportunity and a system that isn’t fair, oh wait, is that them or us? Are they simply pawns of human traffickers? If they are then what? And while we create a chasm of difference we forget that a parent sent this child on the road, and may never see them again, knowing the danger and risking their own child’s life a parent dared to hope. And what was Moses’ mother’s name because I seem to recall her story?

Your political view says I am naive, and I get why you think so! We have a messed up immigration system and people take advantage and draw unemployment on fake social security numbers and live in welfare housing undeserved and feel entitled and commit crimes and while yes, that is a real problem and I don’t like it, until you change a political system that is broken down, there will be no remedy. However I trust in a higher court, and in that court the people who cheat, lie, and steal, will have an end that will not be profitable for life despite their religious affiliation, but in the meantime a mother has sent her child across countries to find hope. And while I don’t have solutions I have compassion. “Send them to Mexico”, is the cry I heard and despite Mexico’s screams for immigration reform in the United States, Mexico does not care for the immigrant. They don’t provide medical care or education. They are country who screams for the United States to have compassion while I have seen none from them. A poverty mentality only looks after their own. So their doors are shut.

And the words of TD Jakes run through my heart in this time, “Where money rules there can be no justice”, I wonder if these parents would have sent their children away if they had not been desperate? For you see, despite America’s problems, we are still a beacon of hope. The Taliban targets us because they say we are the bearers of the cross and if that is so, then we must bear our cross. I have a Mother’s Heart and that heart keeps saying; There is parent out there that is desperately missing their child. They may never see each other again, or our government may send them back, the jury is still out. But we have a parent who thought, I can endure heartbreak and send my child away, or we can sit here until we die.

The Selfie-ish Generation

July 15, 2014July 15, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Duck Face Diva? This woman may never be out of the internet spotlight thanks to her memorable mugshot --> http://abc30.tv/1nqxDTI — Duck Face Diva?
This woman may never be out of the internet spotlight thanks to her memorable mugshot –> http://abc30.tv/1nqxDTI

I stepped out and said it. I did. I posted on my Facebook page that I was proud of Pastor Rob Cox, who pastors a group of young adults training for ministry at his church A Place Of Refuge, for all that he is doing. I also commended him for making a rule of no selfies for the seminary students.

I swim upstream here. I know I do. I don’t mind an occasional selfie. A profile pic, a picture on vacation, but I have an issue with the obsession of it.

Romans 7:9 I was alive once without the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.

Matthew Henry’s commentary on this scripture says:

Paul describes himself as in sensible of the corruption of his nature till he saw himself in the glass of the law (Rom. 7:9 ): “I was alive without the law; that is, I took all to be right with me, and thought myself not only clean, but, compared with the generality of the world, beautiful too; but when the commandment came, when the glass of the law was set before me, then sin revived, and I died —then I saw my spots and deformities, and discovered that amiss in myself which before I was not aware of; and such was the power of the law, and of sin, that I then perceived myself in a state of death and condemnation.’’ Thus, when we attend to the word of God, so as to see ourselves, our true state and condition, to rectify what is amiss, and to form and dress ourselves anew by the glass of God’s word, this is to make a proper use of it.

There is this look at me mentality that we need to overcome. All of us. And I’m not the only voice speaking. In an article by Stephen Miller True Worship in a Selfie World he writes:

This is the world in which we live, the world of the selfie.

The world where people take something that is not about them and make it about them through the lens of their camera.

Grown men pose with their best “Blue Steel” smolder while the tip of Paris’s breath-taking Eiffel Tower protrudes from the side of their heads like a tiny, awkwardly placed steel horn.

Teenage girls attempt their cutest look while a singular stone column of Rome’s ancient, awe-inspiring Colosseum is barely visible in the background.

We are not seeing the world through their eyes so much as seeing their eyes blocking the world.

And there is my point. I want to see the world through your eyes when I’m talking to you. Facebook is considered a one on one conversation with your closest friends. It’s the new water cooler meeting, the new breakroom chatter. I want to read about what you see in the world. I want to read about your thoughts on current events. I want to know what you think about issues that face our world. I want to read about how you are working in your area of ministry. As my friend Adrienne Piasta says, “tell me something good”. So I take the time to read my newsfeed and day after day I read, “I love myself.” Well, that’s great. I’m truly happy for you, the first 10 times, but after awhile I want to know if there is anything else going on around you? I want to know if you care about others? I want to know what you have going on today. I want to know about your goals. I want to know what you’re reading, what you’re learning, that you need prayer or you’re stuck in traffic and need a misery buddy for an hour. I love you, I think you are beautiful, but you don’t need constant approval….

Or do you?

So, I honor Pastor Rob Cox who is trying to change a generation’s view. I honor the Apostle Paul who said and I paraphrase, “I thought I looked okay until I looked in the mirror of the Word of God and then I realized there is a bigger picture.”

Stephen Miller ends his article perfectly:

May we all resist the temptation to fill the frame with our face, but rather fill our minds with his eternal glory, and never stop repeating the refrain of John 3:30:

“He must increase. I must decrease.”
“He must increase. I must decrease.”
“He must increase. I must decrease.”

Men Don’t Matter

July 3, 2014 tlc4women2 Comments

What a lie we have been given.

If you haven’t read Part 2 click here.

As women, born of this generation in America, we have this ideal of a single mother that while true for some is not true for most. We can buy a house without a man, we earn our own income and for some we earn more than the man in our life. For some women who are not interested in equality in a marriage, often because of their own daddy issues, this becomes the seat of power in which we devalue a man and emasculate him to show our power. This has nothing to do with love and everything to do with pride.

We can buy a car, we have great credit and we can afford to do so. We can pay for private school, camp, medical care, and trips to amusement parks. This is the picture of a single mom. Only that usually isn’t the case. Many single moms struggle to make ends meet. Often have more month than money left at the end of their payday, and life isn’t this happy place they thought it would be. They get up early to get their children ready for school, lunches packed, themselves ready. They work hard to get the laundry and dinner and homework finished while they are dogged tired. They make grocery lists and hope there is enough money for the food they need to buy. They make pancakes for dinner at the end of the month because sometimes that’s all there is. They don’t get to go and have spa days or go with friends to have a nice dinner because it isn’t in the budget.

And no matter how much we try and no matter how much advances in technology and medicine we make:

A woman can’t be a father.

No matter how much we try to fill the void of a male influence we can’t do it. We’re failing miserably statistically. Our children are missing out whether we want to admit it or not. Sure, there are statistics of moms who raised incredible people on their own but they don’t outweigh the statistics of those who can’t. I have a saying,

“A woman can do it all. She just can’t do it all at once.”

So while we’re busy earning a buck and climbing a corporate ladder, our children are missing out on a critical component of a family. In their mind, they are learning that they may have to go it alone that one day, they too may be called to raise children on their own because families may or may not be sustained.

So let’s throw the lie out. Let’s begin a discussion with young women about how valuable they are and how we need to make better choices in the men we choose to father our children. Let’s talk about working on our marriage before they are broken and let’s talk about marriage before babies. I know it sounds counter-culture and I know it it will sound sexist and it will be met with push back and name calling but I’m okay with that. And here is why: Watch this video and tell me daddies aren’t important. Watch this video and tell me that she has someone else who fills this void in her life regardless of who her daddy is. Tell me that these daddies are not necessary. Tell me that she isn’t affected.

“When he does time, she does time.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECdln0a-go4

I’m okay with the being an unpopular voice if a child gets an active, involved, worthwhile, father. I’m okay with the term baby daddy being thrown out of our vocabulary. Because it was never meant to be there in the first place.

A Dad Is Important to His Daughter

June 20, 2014June 20, 2014 tlc4women1 Comment

So here is Part 2 to the post I wrote about why father’s are important. If you didn’t catch it, click here so you have a basis of where I’m going with this.

Let me tell you a little known story about my life. Its basis is formed on a lot of self evaluation and counseling and reading and life.

As a little girl I was a daddy’s girl. I liked the things he liked, I admired him, I thought the goofiest things he did were absolutely wonderful. He was the light of my life. He was my safety and my love. That all changed around age 13ish. Suddenly the goofy man who could never remember lyrics to songs so he’d make them up, was irritating. The man who broke out in a falsetto out of tune rendition of a Queen song was embarrassing. I no longer wanted to hang out with him and I no longer really wanted to sit on his lap and all of this is a normal progression of life and puberty. Your parents are supposed become nerds or we’d never the leave home. There’s a post for another day.

Only my dad didn’t know how to take this. He retreated as well. We no longer had the conversations about boys and how they were supposed to treat women. We no longer had secret dates to the mall where he’d buy me something my mother forbade. We became awkward with each other. Not on purpose, neither of us had the tools we needed.

One night, when I was about 14 my dad called me on the phone. It was late about 2 am and I was breaking curfew by talking on the phone and I thought I was busted. Instead he began to talk about how he loved me, missed me and felt disconnected. He said, “I wish I could reach you but you’re so caught up with boys and friends and I don’t know how to make this better.” I assured him I loved him and told him I would be fine because honestly I didn’t know what I needed any more than he did.

A year later I had my first boyfriend. I was doing stupid things, going against my convictions and knowing that I was doing the wrong thing only I didn’t know where to stop. My father was becoming even more distant, sending my mother in to talk to me about his concerns. He was concerned that I was on the brink of having sex with my boyfriend but didn’t know how to approach me. We were creating a chasm in our relationship that honestly still exists today. How I wish we both knew better in these moments but you know, parents do the best they can with what they have. Neither of us had been here before and we didn’t have Dr. Laura and the experts telling us how to do this father/daughter thing right.

My father completely shut down when I became pregnant. When I decided to get married he sat me down and had one of the most profound conversations of my life. He said I had made serious mistakes but they didn’t have to continue. He urged me not to get married. He said it would be a disaster and he also told me that if I insisted he would not attend.

As I walked out of the door to the chapel to get married, my father looked me in the eye and said, “Don’t go.” I smiled at him and said, “Oh daddy, I love you and it will be fine.” Of course it wasn’t.

Do you get why I think dads are important? Because when mine stepped away is when I floundered. When a dad is absent is when a child gets in trouble. And I’m out of time and not finished talking so wait for Part 3.