When You Say Nothing At All

 

Opinionnoun – a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

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In the world of ministry, as in the political arena I suppose, your own voice becomes not your own but rather you must decide and calculate, what the cost or gain will be to actually have an opinion on something. There is a unmerciful machine that rages forward and unforgiving attitudes still prevail. Just ask Rob Bell or Jen Hatmaker two Christians who dared have opinions in our world. Books, endorsements, and speaking engagements were pulled immediately. The idea of keeping a public page on Facebook and a private page of Facebook or just getting off of social media completely is in full force. Ask people privately what they think and get a view of people who are deciding that in order to speak to everyone you can offend no one.

So I stopped writing about controversies because I didn’t want controversy in my life. I    wanted to speak to everyone about anything. I wanted to hear opinions and views that weren’t my own because that is where I either solidify my view or see a perspective I    had not seen before and thereby change my mind.

Only that goes completely against who I am. I sat as a small child at the dinner table and discussed politics and world  views with my parents. In fourth grade I wrote to President Gerald Ford and I received an answer. I don’t have an opinion because I’m a Christian, or a pastor, or a woman. I have an opinion because I have a brain who is forever learning and wants to be challenged.

“But you’re going to have to minister to people who don’t share your view and they won’t be able to receive from you because of it.”

WHY? Because we can no longer tolerate an opinion that isn’t ours. We’ve become so engrained to think that if they do not think or do things as we do then they are against us. They aren’t of our tribe so therefore they are out.

Luke 9: 49John answered, “Master, we saw someone casting out demons in your name, and we tried to stop him, because he does not follow with us.” 50But Jesus said to him, “Do not stop him, for the one who is not against you is for you.” ESV

Mark 9:38“Teacher,” said John, “we saw someone driving out demons in your name and we told him to stop, because he was not one of us.” 39“Do not stop him,” Jesus said. “For no one who does a miracle in my name can in the next moment say anything bad about me, 40for whoever is not against us is for us. NIV

Only here’s the thing: When we say nothing we say much. While quiet observation serves while opinions are formed there are also two camps forming, those who think you are with them and those who think you are against them. Ultimately this is really not about you. It’s internal strife turned outward. It’s intolerance. Sadly, it’s prevailing in America.

What would you say if opinions truly mattered and we were really a free people?

 

Before It Breaks

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I had been noticing that a line was forming on the back of my wedding ring but honestly, we’re pastors and the Christmas season is busy. I mean seriously, it has to wait because what pastor is working anywhere else but church during the second most important day of the year?

It began snagging things right after Christmas. Honestly, how does this happen? Sheesh! I’ll have to stop and take it to the shop, next week maybe. UGH what an inconvenience.

On New Year’s Day during our New Year’s Dinner it broke entirely. The weld came loose and my engagement ring and my wedding ring came apart. Not slowly either, just poof it was broken.

BAM! Then it hit me looking at my wedding ring on the kitchen counter that marriage is like that. The signs of trouble come up at the most inopportune times. We ignore them because we think there is a bigger picture and it will hang on, and vows, and forever, and all that.  After all, our marriage, like our ring is platinum, it’s not white gold. Platinum is 95% pure while white gold is 58% pure. We’re good, we’re in it for the long haul. These problems will wait until we have time to fix them.  So we keep going on with life as if there isn’t a problem brewing.

Things begin to hit a snag. An argument here, a passive aggressive action there, and we think we’ll get through it as we keep moving forward in other areas. We’re a team, teams have ups and downs.

Then all of a sudden it’s broken. Just like that. It isn’t like we didn’t know. It isn’t like we didn’t see it coming. It was never out of the blue. We may lie and say we didn’t know but we saw the crack and felt the snag.

Take the time to get your marriage serviced. Even the most loyal people have their limits. Even the most loving people make mistakes. Even the person with the upmost integrity breaks.

I read a study that said that 75% of all divorced couples say they made a mistake five years later they felt they quit too soon. Often it’s too late to go back and repair. One or the other has moved on. One or the other has had other children. It’s too late.

Thankfully for me, it was only my rings that are broken. My husband I work on diligently on our marriage because we know how important it is. We will alert each other to signs as they come up and we will take the time to fix any cracks as they arise. We aren’t perfect but we keep a line of communication open to one another and we examine ourselves regularly. We haven’t been opposed to getting professional help when needed either in the early years of blending our family. As my husband loves to tell people, “We’re in this for life. No one is leaving this marriage except in a box. Hmm I wonder if this is why sometimes I wake up with a pillow over my head?”

Yes, I married the comedian.

How’s your marriage?

Published in: on January 4, 2018 at 12:18 am  Leave a Comment  

Don’t Freak Out

Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

I often hear believers say, “I’m waiting on God.” They then quote Psalm 46:10 but only the first sentence. “Be still and know that I am God.” While they are correct that is a complete sentence, I don’t think it’s a call to inactivity. To quote The Princess Bride:

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It is said that whenever Martin Luther heard news that was disheartening he would answer with, “Come let us sing the 46th Psalm”. In other words, don’t freak out, God has got this. All of your effort and worry and doubt is calmed by the Great God of Jacob, your Father. The only one that should tremble is your enemy because he forgot you are armed with a God who loves you and who has given angels charge over you.

Exodus 14:13 And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. 14 The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” 

Very much like the Be Still verse is this verse in the midst of adversity. The Israelites have escaped slavery and they come to the Red Sea with the Egyptian Army charging down on them. They are faced with what looks like two choices, death by sword or by drowning and Moses starts this rally with, “Fear not, stand firm.” Are you kidding me? How do you not freak out at this moment? He ends the rally with what should calm us, the know that I am God part, “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” In panic mode we make irrational decisions so the phrase and posture is the same, don’t freak out, God has got this.

Mark  4:39 And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.

Jesus is asleep during a great storm where fishermen were at the helm of a boat. It should have been relaxing but this great storm comes along that even men who know how to navigate the sea freak out over. Sometimes the things that you think you have control over take momentary control over you. That’s when Jesus comes in and calms it down. “Peace! Be Still”.  He speaks to the enemy let them rage no more against you for they don’t know who has your back.

Be still is not an excuse to do nothing. Be still is a posture of confidence as you continue your journey. So no more excuses of why you can’t. Instead stand firm, don’t freak out and move in the direction God is calling you to.

What have you been avoiding, or have been freaked out over, or is keeping you up at night with worry? Can you Fear not, stand firm, be still and know that He is God?

Then keep moving forward!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Published in: on October 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm  Leave a Comment  

The Greatest Blessing

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I was interviewed recently and the question that gave me the most pause was the question:

“What is the greatest blessing of being a Pastor’s Wife?”

I received the questions in advance but I didn’t go over them too carefully since I wanted to be in the moment and not rehearsed. So when it was asked the first thing that popped into my head was, “Being married to Doug Young.”

It sounded silly even to my own ears but in retrospect over the last few weeks it was honest. I didn’t have my eye on a pastor. It wasn’t as if I was searching to marry a profession. I fell head over heels in love with this guy who was a pastor in real life. For me, the inside view of ministry is often brutally difficult but it comes with the territory of being Doug’s wife.

When I say the greatest blessing of a Pastor’s Wife is the Pastor I mean it. He is humble and kind. He’s not fake. There is a assuredness about him that I envy with my whole being. He can walk into a room and he never, ever, has measured himself up against who is in the room. He is who he is. I walk in to a room, determining whether I am the shortest, oldest, dressed correctly, dumbest, and well, you get the picture. When I say this out loud Doug says to me, “Really? Why does that matter and why do you even think like this?” He doesn’t come in and announce himself. He doesn’t come in and make a show of what he knows or what he’s learning, or what he’s preached on recently. His social media isn’t how great his kids are or his latest sermon. His self promotion went before him a long time ago or you missed it but he’s not going to point it out. It’s not his thing. You see, he understood essentialism before it was the title of book that I got my hands on. He understood the elements of attachment when I don’t even think I can honestly score myself a one on any of the scales. He understood all of this because he sees himself in light of Jesus. He’s studied and versed but that isn’t what makes him secure. He gets the thing I have been trying to attain my whole life. He is a man under authority and it shines through.

Yes, I see him pray with the sick. I see him lead people to Christ. I see him come into a stressed out place and settle it down in his role as Jesus Representative, but you know, if we’re honest, and I know we are, this is every Christian. This is ordinary. These are the things we should all be doing.

I think I’ll stand by my answer that the greatest blessing  of being a Pastor’s Wife is being Doug Young’s wife.

Tell me, what is the greatest blessing in your life?

Published in: on September 29, 2017 at 10:37 pm  Comments (1)  

Even in Rural Areas

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I had a meeting with Lara Olson, an advocate for youth in crisis,  about how we as the church can help impact our at-risk youth in our county. She said that one of the things we must do is get STD awareness out to the public because what we don’t know is harming us. That caused me to begin reading and learning.

Here are some facts:
Chlamydia is on the rise in Merced County and shows very few symptoms, pain in the eye, abdomen, or pelvis. If left untreated it can cause infertility.

Syphilis is also on the rise. Symptoms include, sores or legions, skin rash, headaches, fatigue, patchy hair loss (alopecia). If left untreated it can affect the organs.

These are two serious diseases that are plaguing our county. If you think you may have one or more of these symptoms please do not hesitate and go and seek medical attention.

Do I think the church should be involved in these conversations? Yes. We, the leaders in the church, teach about the sin of premarital sex but we often fail to teach on the why. God isn’t a fun spoiler. He is merely trying to save us a lot of heartache over decisions that have consequences that we can’t take back. He is protecting our hearts, our minds, our physical beings from the things that could pollute us and change forever the course of our lives. That word forever is no exaggeration. So while these are delicate and difficult discussions, let’s be honest, who really wants to talk about this, they are necessary conversations. We can’t pretend that it isn’t happening or that it doesn’t affect us all in some way. We must be wise and we must be informed if we are going to help others navigate what can sometimes be difficult heart-wrenching decisions. We can’t be afraid to speak up and we certainly can’t be afraid to tackle the tough stuff.

I choose to lead with eyes wide open and ears listening to the pulse of humanity and to what God is saying and sometimes that means I have to get uncomfortable as we bring to light what is trying to destroy us in the dark.

What is happening in your community that is needing your attention? Are you ready to get uncomfortable in order that it could help someone?

Published in: on September 18, 2017 at 2:27 pm  Leave a Comment  

But She’s The Bride

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I just read another social media rant about what is wrong with the church. As a follower of Christ it makes me sad. Is she perfect this church of ours? No, she is far from perfect. However she is my neighbor, she is my sister, my brother, she is ME. So when you talk about her, when you disparage her, you are talking about me, you are talking about my family, and maybe you are talking about yourself.

Here is what I know for sure. She is the vehicle in which Christ chose to move his message forward. He could have picked any number of things, he is God and God doesn’t lack resources. So for better or worse, in her glorious imperfection she is here to stay. She is the only thing that will last when all is said and done. She is the one that the Lord said the gates of hell shall not prevail against, and most importantly she is the one for whom he returns to take home with him.

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You see, finding fault with her is a cheap shot. It’s too easy. She’s human and therefore fallible but finding the solution and putting your hand to the plow is the work. The harvest of beauty is there and plentiful. Are you willing to get messy? Are you willing to be a laborer or will you continue to be a critic? A critic is someone who determines the value of something and usually decides it is not good. Only that doesn’t work for the church. Because if we are saying she isn’t good then what we are saying is God chose the wrong way in which to express himself.  He made a mistake and I don’t think he did. It’s especially harmful coming from ministry leaders. They are in the wrong profession and confession when they are critical of the very thing they profess to give their life for. Let’s love her through the process of becoming. Let’s come up with solutions to the problems we see. Let’s love her to wholeness.

On Loyalty

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As the world awaits here are my thoughts.

Loyalty CAN NOT be demanded.

Tyrants demand it.

Insecure managers demand it.

Let me type that again.

Tyrants and Insecure managers demand it.

What demanding an oath of loyalty does is expose the hand of a manager, notice I was careful not to say leader, who has to avoid negative feedback at all costs to soothe their EGO (Edging God Out).

There is no need to pledge allegiance as if you were pledging to a god. A manager who is demanding loyalty does so because they can’t listen to negative feedback or can’t lead without unwavering loyalty because of insecurity. They make a terrible boss and that person is not a leader at all.

You will be loyal out of a heart that believes in the mission. A covenant of mission never demands an oath to a person. An oath to a person is always bondage. Christians have dominion over the earth not over people.

Walk away from anyone who demands an oath of  loyalty to them or one who would disguise the verbiage in the word covenant. Demanding loyalty to a person is a dangerous precedent of the abuse of power to come.

I am not loyal to Doug Young because he demands it. I am loyal to Doug Young because I love him and I believe in our marriage. My loyalty can’t be made by force and doesn’t negate his leadership when I disagree. My covenant of marriage was to the mission of our marriage under God.

In the military leaders are taught not to demand personal loyalty and they teach subordinates to avoid personal loyalty at all costs. The reasoning is that eventually the tyrant will rise up and cause you to do things you never thought you’d do out of loyalty or be cast out of the ranks. It’s too high a price.

God never demands loyalty and these oaths and covenants that are demanded by men are not of God in any way shape or form. God is looking for a people with love and a heart for Him and service in the freedom of Free Will. This is not blind ambition or loyalty. This is eyes wide open, mission-focused, unity because we want to not because we must. We give our loyalty out of love not fear.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stability

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A grandfather is someone with silver in his hair and gold in his heart. ~Author Unknown

My first grandson arrived on the scene a week early to expectant arms and smiling faces. We eagerly drove up to wait for his birth and then stayed a few days to make sure mom and dad got some sleep and a routine going while we cooked, took shifts, and loved us some Cameron baby. Cameron is definitely a game changer for us.

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild. —Welsh Proverb

As I looked at him and declared blessing over him and watched my husband begin to prophesy over him I asked the Lord, “What is the answer for the question I am searching for?” The word stability came immediately to mind.

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One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. —Joy Hargrove

For us, we need to be the steady hand for both he and his parents. The rock on which the three of them can land when needed. If there are any unresolved parenting issues or stability issues within us they need to be resolved now before we hit the road on this new adventure. We aren’t learning as we go, we better have some meat in our storehouse if you will, on which to draw from when needed. We can’t be still trying to figure it out anymore. This family needs an established home as they establish their new normal even if they have been married for five years now, it’s all new now.

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just you all day and now the day was complete. —Marcy DeMaree

There needs to be vision. What does stability look like for a grandparent? It means I better know my role isn’t as a parent to him. He has two very capable and loving parents and to take that away from them in any form would be to leave them feeling less than adequate something we don’t want to do. No, a grandparent’s arms need to be Switzerland. Neutral, loving, and protective of its boundaries. It’s not an us vs parents relationship instead it’s a us and parent relationship.

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It’s amazing how grandparents seem so young once you become one. —Author Unknown

My husband bought him his first fishing pole. Even though it will be years before we use it, it spoke to lessons that will be taught, conversations that will be had, examples that will be set, and patience that will have to be learned at the hands of a sage no longer in a hurry. Yes, Cameron will find that he has allies and strong support here in the kingdom of Nana and Papa but his kingdom will be established in the home of his parents.

To a small child, the perfect granddad is unafraid of big dogs and fierce storms but absolutely terrified of the word “boo.” ~Robert Brault

Everyone tells you that the love you feel for a grandchild supersedes all other love. You don’t know it until you know it. I thought when I looked at my newborns and held them in my arms that love was revealed and understood fully. The world came into focus and life had profound meaning.  Holding Cameron took love to another level. There wasn’t that nervousness that surrounds a mother with him. I didn’t question whether I could be a good mother, I already am. I didn’t question whether I could be a good grandmother, I already am. Simply put there was stability that comes with wisdom and knowledge.

What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies. ~Rudy Giuliani

It’s About Fear

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EGO= Edging God Out. It’s acting in the flesh without a heart of love. It’s when we are there in that ego spot where we deny culpability and find ourselves away from where we were designed to be. Ego stems from pride and pride separates us from God. Pride and ultimately fear cause distrust and distrust opens up offense when corrected.

Ask yourself what happens when you are corrected? When we are responding in ego we take our ball and go home. We do what I call pounce and flounce. We get an ‘I’ll show you’ attitude and then walk away without dialogue. We begin to work off of  destructive life patterns that take us away from relationship all the while blaming others and not looking at ourselves. That tantrum we threw when we were three years old may have worked then. It no longer works when we’re 25 and it looks silly when we’re 35.  Wounds begin to take us further down a path of destructive behavior where true relationship can’t be found because things have to be our way or we can’t function. What happens when no one chases us begging us to come back? What happens when life goes on business as usual? It’s in that pain and realization that more wounds happens and distrust solidifies.

Sometimes the offense at correction can stem from a parental wound. Despite how we reshape history, sometimes we have pretty messed up crazy childhoods that seem normal to us because we don’t know any better. We begin living out life patterns that take us in circles and we begin to see that although it’s different people, a different day and time, it’s still the same issue of pride, fear, and distrust and an unwillingness to face the matter. When correction comes from an authority figure in our adult life we choose to act in ego and forego the healing that can come from faith and submission.

Submission is only a word until we disagree.

It’s in this place of disagreement that we have a choice to make. We can give a silent treatment and go home, or we can decide to not be offended at correction and have a dialogue, resolve the issue, and live a life of freedom, but we can’t do it without acknowledging that there is a problem within us.

Let’s deal with our issues so that our issues quit dealing with us.

 

Published in: on March 1, 2017 at 5:14 pm  Leave a Comment  

I’m Sorry

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I found a message in my voicemail box the other night from a woman who is a new friend.  She was apologizing for her attitude at a meeting we’d had earlier in the day.  I wasn’t even offended and the events weren’t even on my radar. To be perfectly honest, I did notice she was testy but I chalked it up to frustration. I feel both she and her apology are impressive. She is someone I want to get to know better because she is real and owns her stuff.

Nothing is worse than being unable to see when we’ve hurt someone’s feelings. We justify, we deny, we blame, we point fingers, we cry, we yell, then we do it all over again and like the spin cycle in a washer it wrings us out. A lack of discernment to the feelings of others over time leaves us alone because people get tired of it.

We humans are opinionated and we will eventually step on someone’s toes. It’s inevitable that we’ll eventually say something to hurt another person. The key to our success in life will be whether we have the ability to decide that to apologize is the best course of action. Swallowing our pride and realizing that whether we want to admit it or not, we hurt someone. Saying I’m sorry shows a genuine concern for others and the relationship we have with them. It also shows others who are watching, because there is always someone watching, that we are someone who can be counted on to do the right thing.

In my life there have been plenty of times that I have had to turn around and go to someone and say I’m sorry. I’ve been short, I’ve been snarky, I’ve been testy, I’ve been wrong. It’s never fun and often embarrassing but to pretend like we aren’t wrong doesn’t make it so, except in our mind. We will lose much more than we gain and we will always take more away from our reputation that we are willing to give. Whatever you do, don’t do the fake apology that people with any brain at all can spot from a mile away. “I’m sorry if you feel I’ve offended you in any way.” Ambiguity isn’t classy it’s pathetic and it shows not repentance, being truly sorry, but remorse, being sorry we got caught. Let’s own our stuff and watch things get better in our life. We will sleep soundly knowing we did all we could to keep our relationships on the right track and I guarantee you there will be no sleepless nights. Yes, if I’m honest I’ve had a few sleepless nights in the past as I licked my perceived wounds but once I owned my part and did the right thing it brought so much peace. I dare you to try it.

 

Published in: on February 6, 2017 at 2:21 pm  Leave a Comment