In part three we wrap up some thoughts on just being human and letting our attributes and God-given differences be just fine! To read part two click here.
As we talked about yesterday, I grew up in a home where I felt my parents worked together. I never felt as if I couldn’t talk to my dad about anything. My dad took me to buy my first bra. No big deal. Why? Because my parents worked together when it came to us and I only saw a parent, someone who was there to take care of me. Yes, they did things differently. My mom was the parent who saw danger in horseback riding in the washes of Arizona, where we spent our summers, and my dad saw fun. My dad was the one in which if I didn’t want to comb my hair that day, it was summer who cared? My mom saw a tangled unruly mess which must be tamed. They were different, no question about it, but they were both necessary to my well-being. My mom worried, my dad thought we’d be fine.
Men and women are different in character and needs and desires and yet God say we are equal. He doesn’t love one more than the other. God says we are necessary, both of us, male and female, we were created with our unique abilities. He doesn’t say one is better than the other. A man is not more than a woman and a woman is not more than a man. We are different and equal. Each of us was designed with a different purpose. I, for one, am happy and grateful for that. It means I don’t have to go out of my comfort zone to try to be something that I am not. I can just be who I am supposed to be.
Does that mean that I advocate a woman to stay home and cook and clean and a man to go off to work? No. I believe we can do whatever we want but I do like to see a child being taken care of by a parent who loves them and not by daycare. I also understand that for some it is a necessity that they work. I am also honest enough to say that those who have necessity are few and far between. Lifestyle choices, not food on the table, dictate that necessity to me. I don’t believe a woman can work, have children and do a good job at it all. I have yet to see it and I lived it, one always gives way to the other. A sick child sidelines your work and a deadline sidelines your child. Something has to give and most of us don’t have great support systems at either place. Yes, there are exceptions but let’s face it they are very few.
Can I ask a question? Why do we demand organically grown vegetables but we don’t want organically grown children? Why do we scream about vaccinations while attempting to raise artificially designed androgynous children? If we are about all natural then let’s be about all natural. I don’t see many boys today who are allowed to be boys. We don’t seem to want or need men and we are a lacking society for it. What is wrong with a boy who wants to conquer and a girl who wants romance?
The silence of Adam kept us from achieving the goal the first time around in the garden. The silence of Adam still keeps us from acheiving the goal set before us today. Adam where is your voice? Eve, please let him speak. He has something to say and what he says could change the course of where we are going. Will we listen? I hope so because the reality is you’ve been sick and tired for far too long. Adam, if there ever was a time to speak now is it! Adam, where are you?
We started a conversation yesterday about children and how we try to change who they are. I brought up the fact that women are still allowed to be at the core women, but we don’t give men the same grace. Here’s part 2.
We are so busy building an androgynous society that we have clearly messed with the original design and purpose of what God had intended. We have people who are confused about what their heart tells them to do and what the world tells them to do. Women have taken the brunt of the responsibility away from the men as they decide they no longer need them anymore. We have built a society that despises men and neuters them on every level. Then we sit back and complain that they do absolutely nothing for us and are worthless. I know little boys who do not have one single masculine toy. Without any sort of warrior spirit we have removed the essence of who they are.
Why do we disdain men so much as a society? I believe it happened when we began to believe the lie that women could do it all. We decided that as women we didn’t need men for anything but sperm and they can toss that in cup any day of the week for us. We decided they were the enemy that was keeping us from our destiny and desire. They made more money and position in the workplace, they had expectations we no longer wanted to live up to and they were foreign to our way of thinking. So the goal became to get rid of them or at least sideline them. In the silence of men, just as Adam’s silence sealed the deal in the garden we together have created chaos.
Only something has happened since that thought process invaded our society. Women now are more tired and unhappy than ever before. They work full-time in the workplace in every single occupation imaginable, then they come home to cook and clean and take care of children as they attempt to build relationships with others and they juggle constantly between their pull for their children and the demands of their jobs. They live feeling guilty for the most part because the lie is just that, a lie and we can’t have it all. At least we can’t have it all at the same time. We struggle to balance a life that is so off balance that it becomes a losing battle. Now we are so far into this song and dance it feels as if it is too late to quit. Besides, the message is still that we can do it, so pride enters in and also insecurity that maybe it’s just the individual, me, who can’t do it all. In the meantime, we try figure out what is wrong with us that we can’t seem to live up to the expectation. So we fake it and pretend to be tough.
This conversation is nothing new. We had a similar one a few weeks ago, only something has got to give. The fact of the matter is that God created man and woman to compliment each other and to work together side by side to build a better world. He created us too raise a family with children who learn both perspectives of their parents being both male and female. In my home as a child, we had a family unit that worked together.
When Anthony was a three-year-old he collected all the He-Man figures and watched the cartoon, subsequently, I learned the history of He-Man. He-Man was an action figure who lived in Castle Greyskull. He was dressed like a gladiator and had a huge tiger named BattleCat that he rode off to battle. His enemy was named Skeletor and he was always causing havoc from his home on Snake Mountain.
Anthony had a sword that when you flipped the switch lit up just as He-Man’s sword did. He took this sword everywhere he went, including to bed and carried it hooked to the back of his shirt where he could easily grab it in case of danger. He was always looking for an enemy to fight and I remember one day when we walking out to the car and we encountered a big bullfrog sitting on the sidewalk. Anthony quickly pulled out his sword and said in his toughest three year old voice, “Stand back mommy, I’ll take care of this.” As he took his sword out and lit it up for battle he took the warrior stance against the bullfrog. I played along and carefully walked around the scene while he stood guard. When we got into the car, I thanked him for his protection and he smiled proudly and said, “That’s okay.” All in a day’s work for my little He-Man. Anthony’s dreams for his future was to be either G.I. Joe or on the team of M.A.S.K.
When Casey was three she collected Barbie. Barbie was a doll who along with her friends, Midge, Skipper and Ken went to the beach and had parties. Barbie married Ken on a regular basis. There were no wars and there were no swords, only fun and lots of changing of outfits and shoes and cutting of hair. Barbie at some point or another also married He-Man and GI Joe which Anthony swore, would never happen in real life.
Casey’s dream was to marry Prince Phillip, from Sleeping Beauty fame, and they were going to live on the Rhein River in a castle. She would tell of tales of riding off on a unicorn to pick wildflowers and fruit in the forest. The danger for her was keeping a diligent eye out for a wicked witch. Prince Phillip would fight the Pirates on the river before dinner and he would always win.
This is an area of my children’s lives where fantasy and imagination ran wild. I would often play along and I know for a fact that Casey would have approached the bullfrog much differently. She would have wanted to catch it and see if he talked and if he turned into a prince when we kissed it. Yes, she would want to kiss it just in case it was her prince. Her life was about love and romance. Anthony’s life was about war and protection. Anthony still carefully watches over his sister and I as the man of the family and Casey is still relational looking for romance in her adventures.
I say all this to say that God didn’t create us male and female to be the same. That is a lie and puts a lot of pressure on each of us to be things we are not. Can women be warriors? Yes, they can in moments of danger and they show extraordinary strength but not in the same way a man can. A woman was not designed for war instead she was designed to nurture. Yes we as women have had to step into places that were never intended for us as a means of survival but it is not our original design. Can men be nurturing? Yes and they are, but the expectations in today’s society is that they act and think like women and they aren’t designed to do that.
Amos 8:11. “The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign Lord, “when I will send a famine through the land– not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord.
12. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord, but they will not find it.
13. “In that day “the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst.
I read this today and burst into tears. I began to imagine the Lord telling me that because I wouldn’t submit, because I told his prophets to shut up then I was to be cut off. How this passage hurt my heart. I can’t even imagine, nor do I ever want to imagine a day when I couldn’t hear the voice of Jesus.
Lord, I never want to be apart from you. I never want to feel that isolation, I never want to be where you aren’t. My Lord, I ask that your presence be with me always. There just simply is nothing without you. In the mighty name of Jesus I pray! Amen
Confrontation is a big bold word. We use it as a small word and explain that isn’t really what we meant but the word confrontation should be kept in reserve for big action.
-noun
1. an act of confronting.
2. the state of being confronted.
3. a meeting of persons face to face.
4. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
5. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.
6. Psychology. a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.
The problem with confrontation is that sometimes it is necessary but very rarely is it comfortable. For most people it takes a lot of effort to do. In an effort to avoid confrontation, we allow far too many things to pile up before taking action. By avoiding confrontation you create more confrontation. The pile up of offenses begins to take on a life of its own which begins to choke out the relationship and sometimes any hope of reconciliation.
Good decent nice people tend to have a problem calling things what they are. They allow far too many evil things to happen before they get up the nerve to have the conversation. Very often they are pushed into confrontation which renders them unprepared and out of their element. So rather than face that type of action they stay quiet and seethe. This actually helps no one and often allows evil to perpetuate. Although preparation will not prepare you for every situation you’ll be more in control of the situation and be less likely to flounder.
Confrontation although a rare occurrence is sometimes necessary and it is more than a simple conversation. By nipping these things in the bud getting to the heart of the matter often we stop things from getting worse.
We all know her. It’s not us of course but we all know her. You know the one. Your friend, the one who is over all the time for coffee or to hang out as long as there is not a man in the picture. This isn’t so bad, you think to yourself, because we all do it to a certain extent. In those first few weeks of a relationship when lust permeates our thought process and we see are the wonderful attributes this man has. Yes, we all know her.
We all see her. She’s in church on Sunday and at TLC (or your form of it) on Monday evenings while she’s alone but once her man comes around she drops out. She’s beautiful on the outside but so insecure on the inside. Her convictions are solid until they are tested. You see, actions speak louder than words.
Then her new boyfriend asks her to sleep with him. She knows her God and His point of view on fornication but she shoves all the knowledge aside because someone actually loves her. Well, you see, he hasn’t actually said those exact words but we all know they are coming at some point, right? We all know she said she’d never date ‘the mission field’ but her new man has promised he’ll come to church and well, we all know how that will turn out.
She tells us he drinks a little too much. It’s okay, she continues, because she know it’s just the stress of his baby mama drama. You see, he wants to change. He just needs a little sex, a little fix-it and a lot less nagging.
So you ask her about his ex-wife. Only he doesn’t have one. You see, he got hooked up with a slutty girl and she got pregnant on purpose. She was a party girl and your friend, well, she just goes clubbing with her man now because it’s where his friends hang out. They don’t do anything there, they just go to dance and drink and relieve their stress. By the way, you tell her, she hasn’t brought him to church yet. No, she says, because he’s afraid of being judged and last week he wasn’t feeling well.
She tells you that he’s asked her to move in with him. He wants to have a big wedding and give her a big ring, only he can’t afford to right now. She knows it’s not what God would want but she knows if she just hangs out a little while longer he’ll give her the things she wants. She also mentions that he’s been too stressed out to see his child but he just needs her to pull him out of his slump.
She tells you that he quit his job and now she is the sole support of her family. You remind her of the scripture that says if a man doesn’t work he shouldn’t eat but she informs you he is trying to find himself. He’s not spending too much time with his child yet. She wonders if she should pay his portion of the child support payments so he doesn’t fall behind?
So now your friend has abandoned her belief system for her man. The Holy Spirit leaves and she doesn’t even know it. She has traded God for a man. Her heart has chosen its treasure. You mourn for your friend but her romantic notion of what love is supposed to look like has become idolatry. God says He will never be second. She missed that part I guess.
Six months later she comes to you and now she is pregnant. Now your friend is the slutty party girl and her boyfriend has moved on to the next best thing. You won’t say you told her so. You just hold her and try to be there for this next difficult phase of her life. She now has more hard choices to make. Move home to her parents house to raise a child or put the child up for adoption. Her life has been irrevocably changed.
Don’t be like your friends. Smart women stick to their beliefs. It’s the core of who they are. It’s what defines them. Remember that. No man can ever take the place of God in your life and no one can ever tell you who you are. That has to be determined between you and God. You have to be worth more than that.
My friend Elizabeth was cooking and pulled a can of green beans out of her cupboard. When she opened it she found a surprise. The outside didn’t match the inside.
Matthew 7:16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
When I saw the picture I had two instant thoughts. “Man! I hope she had another can or she’s going to have to figure out what to do last minute to make the meal all come together.” The second thought was, “This is why people are so freaked out by us who follow Christ. We put on this label but when they get close to us they realize who we say we are isn’t always the case.”
The Lord quickly showed me the thoughts were along the same vein. Just as Elizabeth had opened the can to find a surprise, she also had to figure out what she was going to do with the contents and how she would improvise with what she had on hand. She also will never again assume that just because a can is labeled a certain way that the contents will necessarily match up. Everyone who sees this picture also experiences to an extent what Elizabeth experienced. It sounds dramatic but it really isn’t. Think about it.
How many people have you met who have a negative story about their encounter with a follower of Christ? How many have met a green bean label only to find the contents to be a little fruity? If those of us who follow Christ have too many stories to count then so does the world. And we wonder why they are put off?
At this point in the story, many will say, yes but we are only human. They are right to an extent. We are only human but are we human living to the best of our ability or are we human living below the standard Jesus laid before us all while making excuses?
Romans 2:17 Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18 if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19 if you are convinced that you are a guide for the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth– 21 you, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 As it is written: “God’s name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.”
I heard a woman on Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s show call in about an affair she had been having. Dr. Laura asked her why she didn’t leave her husband and the woman said that it was because her lover could not care for her financially as well as her husband could and because she was a Christian. Dr. Laura went nuts! She told her not to bring Jesus into this. The woman clearly was Mislabeled Christianity.
Acts3:6 Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you.
What are we giving the world? When they get close enough to look inside of our lives do they see the rotting stench of a pretend life or do they see authentic Christianity? Do we bible thumpers who say we want everyone to get their hearts right before the Lord and have everlasting life set the example by excusing why we sleep around, lie, cheat, steal, connive just as the world does?
Let’s make sure we are who our label shows us to be!
When my son was little one of the first things I taught him was to look a person in the eye and give a firm handshake. I taught him to open a door for me, to walk on the outside of the sidewalk when we walked together and to look after those who were considered more fragile than he was. His father taught him the boy things of riding a bike, boxing, sports, etc… At first, I have to say, I balked at buying guns but when he began to use his thumb and forefinger as a weapon, I figured I was fighting a losing battle. So we bought cap guns and plastic swords and along with his army men and Tonkas the boy went out to play at conquering the world. He came home with the usual battle wounds; bruised knees, cuts and scratches and that dirty puppy smell of a sweaty little boy. As he grew he rode dirt bikes, popped wheelies on his ramps, hunted and went fishing and drew on a drafting table out in the garage. In that time there was lessons on money and the use of a pocketknife and how to treat people with respect and laundry, dishes, mowing a lawn, dusting and a strong work ethic. All the things he would need in life.
Today I am not seeing that kind of raising of a man and it’s not like my son is old. He’s 28. So somewhere in the last 28 years we have stopped raising men. We no longer educate them on what it means to be a well-mannered young man. What it is going to take for a man to stand up and take on his responsibilities in life? Today I see boys who think they are men, making babies here, there and everywhere. Sitting in their Mama’s house not working or better yet, working and not saving a dime to leave. They are happy being boys. Several years ago, my son decided to take a break from college. That’s fine it’s his life, but since he was taking a break and working full-time it was time for him to move out on his own. I was really surprised when friends all questioned our decision and said things like, “He’s such a good kid and he’s not bothering anyone by living at home!” Those statements were true but I was raising a MAN not a mama’s boy. There is a difference. I believe wholeheartedly that if you aren’t going to college then you need to go get a full-time job and move out on your own and really I believe that for men or women. It may not be popular belief today but I want to raise independent free people in my house. People who can live their own lives and make intelligent decisions and not depend on us forever. We’d like to have our own life at some point so there is a method to my madness. I do not want to raise my kids forever. I realized a long time ago it was a temporary position.
Gone today are the teachings of a firm handshake and to look someone in the eye. I remember with laughter when Anthony was seven and Casey was three and he decided to teach her the rules of meeting and greeting grownups! He told her very solemnly, “Casey when you meet a grownup you have to shake with your right hand and look them in the eye, look me in the eye and say this, “Hello Mr. Martinez, my name is Mister Sister.” So he would make her practice shaking and saying that. It took all I had to not laugh out loud and I’ll have to ask her if she still runs around introducing herself as Mister Sister.
Today, I go to the youth group and most don’t even talk to me or look at me and if they do, they address me as, “Yo, Fool!” No, I’m not lying. I have to stop dead in my track and teach. Or they say, “Hey, what’s up?” Our young men, give limp wimpy handshakes if they shake my hand at all and don’t seem to know what to do. These things are not learned by osmosis. They are taught. Who is raising our men today?
Where are the men whom we call fathers who were supposed to be there to raise our sons? A woman cannot truly raise a son on her own. She can try and she does the best she can but there are things we can’t convey because we don’t know them. By nature, we as women, are emotional and we teach by emotions. A man however cannot run on emotions. They don’t know what to do with them. So they explode in anger and can’t handle problems properly because they haven’t been equipped. Men run on practicality not emotions. Yet, in a world where men are primarily absent a woman has to do what a woman has to do. The following statistics were taken from a sermon entitled Men Behaving Godly.
Fatherless sons are 35% more likely to experience marital failure
Fatherless sons are 300% more likely to become incarcerated in state juvenile institutions
Fatherless make up 70% of all juveniles in state institutions
Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of high school
Fatherless children have only half the chance of being high achievers (According to the National Association Elementary School Principals, 33% of children from two-parent families become high achievers, while only 17% of children from single-parent homes become high achievers.)
Fatherless children are 50% more likely to have learning disabilities.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, Fatherless children are anywhere from 100 to 200% more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems.
Fatherless young adults are twice as likely to need and receive psychological help.
According to our nation’s hospitals, 80% of adolescents admitted for psychiatric reasons come from fatherless families.
“From relationships, education, to mental instability, to crime, one factor looms as the most significant contributor: A home without a dad.” (5 Lies, David T. Moore, Tyndale House Publishers, p.89-90)1995
So we have generally created a group of young narcissistic mean kids who aren’t designed that way ,they are just lost and haven’t been taught a better way. Bullying is at an all time high in schools. Violent behavior is getting worse. What used to be a fistfight is now escalating because we don’t know how to teach our boys what to do with their emotions. I see boys who don’t believe they have to take care of a woman. They believe she has to take care of them because that is all that has been modeled. I see boys who treat their moms like dirt and don’t even open a door for them. I would stand forever before I would open a door for myself in the presence of my son. I remember when I was teaching him to drive, he ran and got in the drivers side. I stood outside the car and he said,
“Get in mom!”
“I’m not opening this door. Get out of the car and open the door for me. That is what a gentleman does.”
“Mom! C’mon, you’re not my girlfriend and I know I have to open the door.”
“Son, we are not going anywhere if you’ve forgotten your manners.”
“Aye! Okay.”
I’ve never had to remind him since.
What happened to raising men? What can we do to change this statistic? Would some men please stand up and mentor some of these kids? They need you.
Pastor Susan 