Category: relationships

A Season Ahead

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Those of you who follow this blog must have thought I had fallen away during the move to our new home. It is almost complete. July and August just ran together and by September there was a little headway. I’ve missed writing, there are so many things swirling around in my brain that are wanting to come out but I will tackle it, as I have learned to tackle many things these days, in bite sized pieces.

As believers we’re called to mentor. That seems like a daunting task. You may ask yourself what do I know about mentoring or about anything in general? Well, although you might not be an expert on most things, the question to ask is:

Am I a season ahead?

In other words, do I have something to teach the person who is asking me? Am I  a little bit ahead on this topic and could my knowledge benefit this person? Am I teachable? Do I have a mentor to go to if I get stuck? No one does mentorship alone. We all have those a season ahead to help us.

Most leaders don’t mind sharing what they know with you as long as you don’t abuse their time. True leaders are happy to meet with you and tell you what they know. What a leader won’t do is waste their time or allow their time to be abused.

If I want to know what a leader knows, I will invite them to lunch or ask for an appointment. I will go to them for advice and counsel on a topic then I’m going to begin to apply the knowledge they gave to my life to get ahead. If they give me a book to read, then I’m going to read it. If they give me counsel on an area of my life that I need to improve to get to that next level then I’m going to do it. Why would I do anything else?

It’s the same when you begin to mentor others. You mentor those who are following you. Many will come to you with pretty or flattering words and thank you but won’t move off of the couch to get ahead. Some will blame you when you didn’t pursue them only that isn’t mentoring, that’s parenting, or something like that. They failed to realize that many are leaning on you and that you don’t have time to chase someone down who says they want to be mentored. Teachers stand before a class of students and teach those who showed up.

Next  make sure you study and make sure you are learning.  Be patient. Not everyone who comes to you is ready to learn and it’s fine, just pray that they find that person who will be a blessing to them. Don’t beat your head on the wall over someone who isn’t ready.

Teach, with all of your heart. Teach them about love and the pursuit of this destiny that lasts eternally. Teach them practically and teach them well and teach them that we’re all just human and need grace. Mark them with the banner of Jesus and then go home knowing your job is done for the day and get out the bible and read it for yourself.

Plenty are the worries of the day but for you, you are a student and a teacher and you will be comforted. Do your best and then rest well in the knowledge that you helped those who wanted your help with your best effort and you have put your best effort forward to learn as much as you can.

You Can’t Want It More Than They Do

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341bbd270d4cc542b67fff7ca2a1987c   This is a quote my husband often says when I begin a sentence with, “Well I think they should….” “You can’t want it more than they do.” He’s right. How often do we get entangled in someone else’s problem when they aren’t ready to fix it? I was reminded of this throughout football season as I cheered on my favorite team the San Francisco 49ers and they kept failing to close the deal. I arm-chaired quarterbacked my way through each game mainly frustrated. My opinion and a quarter would get me absolutely nothing but there I was week after week with my opinion. This would be no problem if this was the extent of my meddling in the things that aren’t mine to fix but it isn’t. I have an opinion on virtually anything but I can’t want it more than they do. So this past year I practiced minding my own business. In some ways I was successful and in other ways it was a fail. I continue to work on it. So where do you keep meddling in places that are none of your business? Where do you keep trying to push the vision from behind when the person up front is unwilling to pull? When you realize your opinion isn’t wanted. I had a person in my life who I tried to mentor for years. Each time in meetings they said everything I wanted to hear then they’d leave and do the exact opposite or nothing at all and wind up at square one. Both of us were frustrated. Until I realized the obvious.

I Can’t Want It More Than They Do

I was able to let them move on to their future and I was able to move on to mine. No hard feelings no more frustrations. Just honoring the fact that everyone is allowed to do what is best for them regardless of what others think. That’s living free.

And about the SF 49ers. I don’t think I’m ready to quit advising from my family room  quite yet. Like I said, I’m working on it.

The Pastor’s Wife’s Calling

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The Church often thinks when they select the man to shepherd their church they get his wife for free. During the interview process they interview the Pastor’s wife. I don’t see this done in any other career field and I’m mixed on it. I see the reasoning, I mean she’s hopefully going to be visiting his work often. If she is crispy fried over ministry issues it will play out in the role her husband plays in the ministry, there is nothing like the bitter Pastor’s wife who looks at life through the eyes of suspicion, because she will manifest her own betrayal. If she is helpful then the church has gained a saint but that doesn’t mean they’ve gained ministry help.

There is this thing that the church seems to miss and it’s a big thing.

Calling

Has she been called to ministry? Her husband’s call isn’t hers. One would argue that if she is saved and converted then she is called to win the lost, and it is right to think so, but being a disciple of Jesus and called to ministry are two different things. Calling comes with its own special set of parameters that the rest of the elect, that’s bible speak for those called to salvation, aren’t expected to live up to in the same way. I have met the Pastor’s wife who is the worship leader and awesome at it. I have met the Pastor’s wife who attends a different church and is lovely. I have met the Pastor’s wife who is raising little ones and is blessed to get to church with only one of her little children missing a shoe and she’s loving. Calling is a distinct thing and sometimes it’s seasonal too. Often I hear the cry from the church leaders who say she knew the expectation when she married a pastor (insert my jaw dropping here). What about the Pastor’s wife who met and married the business man who later became a Pastor? Did she sign up to lead a church or did she sign up to minister to her husband?

Let’s as people of God in the community of faith take a step back and cut the Pastor’s Wife some slack. Let’s quit being so quick to judge her ability to lead the Children’s Ministry and allow her to serve where she feels God is calling her to serve. Let’s quit looking for her to have an opinion on the direction of the annual Ladies Tea and see if she is even remotely interested in speaking to the group. She isn’t called to make decisions in her husband’s department of ministry yet so often we throw her in there and ask for her opinion and then criticize that opinion. She is the woman God has called as the partner to her husband. She hasn’t necessarily been called to ministry and maybe, just maybe, the horror stories of the horrible pastor’s wife is because she is in a role not suited to her gifting. Maybe she is bowing to the pleasure of man and isn’t called by God.

Maybe just maybe she is controlling and doesn’t fit the role. Maybe she has an opinion that doesn’t fit the vision of the church. Maybe she does feel the need to be “in” on every aspect of her husband’s ministry. Can we agree that it is  her husband’s to deal with, and the leadership of the church to deal with, and we, as the church, are simply called to pray?  Because if that isn’t the case then we are no better.

It Feels Personal

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I posted this on my Facebook page and received many comments and likes but I also received quite a few private messages with stories from women who were trying to learn not to take things personally. This was coming on the heels of the  Kelly Clarkson body-shaming tweets so I thought I’d respond with what I’ve learned.

First off, there are mean people out there. They have no filter. They mask it under the, “I just say what I think you know? I’m just being honest.”, only their honesty is aimed as the knife that stabs you to your core, and remember this, their honesty only pertains to the output not the input. In other words speak the truth to them and it’s WAR. Not everything needs to be said but so often we think what we have to say is important, because it is important to us. No one is exempt from this not even me, hence this post.

Compound that with the phenomenon of social media where because we can’t see the hurt look on someone’s face it is easy to blast people. These are your typical pounce and flounce people at a new level. I have a friend who seldom replies to online posts because she says the attacks begin immediately and sadly she is right.

So how do we not take things personally when they seem so personal? My husband taught me a great trick I’m going to pass on to you. He said,

“If they have nothing nice to say about anyone, and they talk about everyone then it isn’t personal. If they don’t say nice things about even those they love then they aren’t going to say nice things about you. It isn’t personal, it’s just how they are.” 

“If they don’t have problems with others but they have problems only with you, then it’s personal to them not to you. They have things that need to be worked out and they need to grow up and come to you about the issue.”

Listen, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Friendships happen with like-minded people. Leave it at that. I often hear people say, and I’ve said it myself,  the solution is to go and confront the person but the problem with that is that those who talk behind your back never say it to your face so oftentimes my experience has been that  I’ve gone to the person and asked if there is an offense because I’ve heard such and such from so and so, I get the standard answer of nothing is wrong it was a misunderstanding, and more often than not, the pattern continues.

So here is a pattern that I chose to live my life by, and so far it’s working, so let me post it and hopefully help you.

I no longer take it personally. The comments, the blasts, the opinions, come from people who don’t know me. It’s okay. Those comments and opinions don’t pay my bills nor do they pour my cup of coffee in the morning. I have a choice to snuggle with those opinions in bed at night or kick them to curb. I choose to boot them out of my life. I hope you’ll try it because you’ll find your life is a lot less messy.

Help Unwanted

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In the final lesson of Beth Moore’s Mercy Triumphs bible study, she made a powerful point about boundaries. She said we needed to be careful not to put the word boundaries in places where we don’t want to be bothered. We are to care for each other. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it. She then came up with four boundaries that she felt were biblical and this one hit me:

“When your help isn’t helping.” 

It’s always so interesting how we sometimes think we are the saviors of the world, or at least our loved ones. We don’t necessarily hold that place in their life though do we? And we shouldn’t really but so often we end up feeling that they aren’t listening or that we are banging our heads against the wall but what if……..

What if………

What if your help is unwanted? I almost want to whisper this.

What if your help is unwanted?

What if the person prefers to be in the position you’d prefer her not to be? What if she just comes to vent but won’t change. What then?

Could we be alright with that? Could we just back off and move on? Could we quit being the place where the dumping takes place? Could we consider it not as rejection of our ever-so-wise advice but as a decision one chooses to make and then let that be just fine with us? No, not in a sarcastic, “Well that just fine with me”, attitude, but an “It’s really alright to not want my help”, attitude.

First there is an agreement here that needs to be taken. While it’s fine not to take the advice, it’s also fine to stop listening to the complaint. That’s the boundary.

When your help isn’t helping.

When your advice isn’t being taken.

When the situation doesn’t change.

When the words you say are twisted to create a drama.

When the person turns their anger towards you.

Can we be at peace to walk away and leave it alone?

 

Holding Aces

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There’s a marked difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide. Friends may disagree, but not about serious matters. A friend will stand for you when you are no longer able. A woman can say to herself, If I die, I know that my friend, my sister friend will be here to hold up the banner. Now that’s very profound. ~ Dr. Maya Angelou in an article written by By Marcia Ann Gillespie for Essence magazine. 

I think we get confused between our true friendships and acquaintances. My friend Cynthia sent me the picture that is posted above. No words just the picture. My immediate thought was, “Is she bragging that she is having a cup of hot chocolate and whipped cream? And why doesn’t that cup have enough whipped cream on it? I know we both love it.” It took me back 20, uh 25, uh almost 30 years ago as young women when we’d sit together drink chocolate with the can of whipped cream between us. There was never enough whipped cream in our cups and towards the end of our cup, our chocolate would be lukewarm. Cynthia is one of my Aces. She holds a place in my heart like none other. We’ve been friends for over 30 years. That’s speaks of storms and sunshine we’ve weathered together. Even though we don’t call each other often we both pick up exactly where we leave off each time. We know if there is something needed we have each other’s back.

I hold a few more Aces, I’d dare say more than one woman deserves. But the heart of this post is using your words carefully. Are you friends with someone, because that takes time and vulnerability, or are you acquaintances, which is friendly and kind and often strong? You can develop very strong acquaintances, but friends are different. You can develop very strong mentorship relationships, but friends are different. You can develop very strong maternal friendships, but friends are different.

We tend to be very casual about the word friend. We call someone a true friend, then drift away and  meet another true friend. That’s the difference. A true friend doesn’t leave. A true friend believes the same thing you do. A true friend loves you enough not to betray you or mistake the trust you’ve given her. Ever. A true friend tells you the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.

The person that goes it alone is worrisome to me. She has never given herself permission to be free she has too much at stake. She mistrusts others intentions or finds it too risky to love. She sees friendship as risky or there has to be something in it for her. That’s a hard way to live.

Fresh Eyes

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As we put away all of the Christmas decorations and hauled the tree out to the old faithful Dodge Ram I am closing out a old year and ringing in a new one. What will this year have for us? 2014 was pretty good to us. I am expecting 2015 to be even better. I have a few secret desires in my heart for this year but not ones I am willing to share just yet. I hope it’s the same for you.

I am preparing the house for a pastoral luncheon this weekend. Pastors from several churches in our city will meet to celebrate the New Year, pray for one another, and enjoy my husband’s BBQ brisket. It’s always a great time of fellowship and friendship and when we are all together I always take a moment to take a step back and view the body of Christ as it was intended to be. Isn’t it wonderful when we can break bread together knowing that each have a differing view on the method but not the intention? While some of us may speak in tongues and others not we still love Jesus and food! This year will be more about hospitality than perfection.

This year, I plan to do a lot more of that looking at life with fresh eyes business. Rather than nose to the grindstone living I am going to be intentionally taking a step back to take it all in before I miss another moment.  This year I am going to continually remind myself of things that were missed while I was plowing and be more intentional about breaks.

I’m turning 50 this year. I have lived a very blessed life, even in the hardest times, I learned forever lessons that will hold me until the end of my life here on earth and I think I have a genuine gratitude for my life. I have made real friendships, lasting loves, beautiful children, and memories that make me smile. I am married to the most amazing man ever too so that is icing! Somehow though, day to day stuff tries to come in and taints the happiness I have found.

So what does this year hold for you? I pray it’s filled with plenty of good things. I hope that life keeps you busy in serving others and not just yourself. I hope that life brings to you fresh eyes in which to see the beauty of the holiness of a life well lived and not squandered on the minutia that fills a brain and does nothing to fill a heart.

This year I plan to learn from Lulu The Wonder Dog who plays for awhile, takes deep naps, comes and demands attention when needed, is pleased to see everyone anytime, enjoys her food, and takes deep naps, wags her tail vigorously to show her approval, puts her ears down at the things she hates but moves towards it anyhow, takes deep naps, long walks, romps with her friends, never worries about her weight, or whether she took a bath today or not, sighs deeply, shares always, and loves wholeheartedly. I think she has in her seven short years of life learned what it took me 49 years to learn. So maybe this post should be titled, I’m not smarter than my dog.

Flesh Eaters

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picture from http://www.alphacoders.com

There is the word Gheebah in the Muslim faith that means backbiter but even more so they translate it flesh eater. There is an interesting teaching on it that was shared with me and I’d like to share it with you.

“If what you say is true about your brother then you have backbitten him. If what you say is not true about your brother than you have slandered him.”

Have you ever thought about the word backbiter? It describes someone who eats the flesh of a friend or family member. Muslim or Christian I doubt it’s worthy of our faith. In reading books on psychology, backbiting is said to be a trait of young people, only I disagree. I know women who are in their 30’s who are professional flesh eaters. The bible says backbiters soothe their own appetite. Flesh eaters. What a horrible description of a person of faith. It actually made me shudder.

Galatians 5:15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Is eating live flesh something you’d like to be a part of? You can’t stop the flesh eater’s insatiable appetite but you can stop them from eating others in your presence by not participating in the flesh eating frenzy. The bible says when we have an issue with someone there is a way to handle it. It’s taught in Matthew 18. If the flesh eater continues to devour then ask yourself if the person is a believer? Even the devil knows the word of God.

Romans 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

What causes a person to continually backbite? Honestly, they are bored people who have nothing else to do. They look for things to be critical of and people whom they are jealous of to tear apart. Think about the picture of a person who bites someone in the back. They are biting the back of a person. They are behind that person, not in their own lane guided by the Holy Spirit, handling their own business. These are hopefully not the people we wish to be nor is it the people who we call friends because can I be honest with you? It’s all fine until they begin to eat you alive.

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Before You Judge It Fake

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There is this backlash to social media. The naysayers think no one’s life is perfect and therefore the things people post are fake. This is the problem with judging isn’t it? You don’t know motive until you step in the shoes of God and I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t need that stress.

What if the poster decides not to focus on their problem and instead to focus on their blessing? Is that okay? We all know no one’s life is perfect but if they have chosen to be happy no matter what then why is that bad? Why does that goof us up?

“Well we all know what’s going on in her life.”

Yes, and now we’ve resorted to judging.

Let’s stay in our lane and live our own lives. Maybe the poster has a parent with cancer and maybe her car broke down today but someone at work told her there was a sale on shoes. Instead of throwing up a woe is me post,  she bought a pair of shoes and decided to walk home in them, making the best of a worst situation, and then she threw up a post about that. Can we just be happy for her? In the midst of the chaos, she found something positive. I can totally cheer that on. I wish I had the ability to be positive in the midst of chaos. I don’t without careful thought so that is something I admire. Can I please have some of what she is having? Instead of calling something fake that we know nothing about, let’s be happy that each of our friends can etch out a little happiness. I think that makes us better friends.

Ask yourself this simple question; does the negative post make you happy? If the answer is yes then you’re not a real friend. Does the bullying post make you happy? You know the ones, “Sad. You know who you are. You’re a fake friend.” I heard those posts are called Vaguebook posts. Then you’re a drama friend because now there is something to get worked up over. Hopefully, you enjoy the happy posts, the funny posts, the frank posts, and you’re not deciding for anyone else what is fake and what is real because honestly, that is what makes you a wonderful friend. That you can take the good with the bad and still be love. True friends do that, they see the good, the bad, and the ugly and they love you anyway.

Swimming In Perspective

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Perspective – noun – a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

This year our vacation took us to Honduras. I have traveled to many countries and I have seen poverty but it never ceases to smack me in the face. It was especially striking this time. I expected Honduras to be like Mexico. It wasn’t. It was much worse. I didn’t bother to look up facts before I went there, I like to go with an open mind and not a preconceived notion of what to expect. The GDP of Honduras is about 18 billion. the GDP of Mexico is over a trillion. That’s a huge difference.

I live in a small town who just experienced its first homicide of the year while I was gone, and I don’t diminish that whatsoever, but it’s important to mention it to show where I live versus where I visited. Honduras had cars filled with bullet holes driving down the road, children unattended everywhere, people lingering in the street. We hired a driver to show us around. He was excited to tell us that he was married with two children, 3 years and a 5 month old. He was happy to be working and he said that tourism brought him a job for half of the year. That afforded them to rent a small home and if they were very careful with their money, they could live there all year. If not, they had a home for six to seven months. It’s important to note that their homes were not what we call homes here. The area we visited brings many tourist as it has great diving and snorkeling because of a beautiful barrier reef. We had been on a private island just the day before enjoying the sights of the reef. Our driver told us that many Americans live there. I asked what they did for work. He said they own businesses that cater to the tourist who come to dive or they are divers who are retired. There are big condominiums going up and when I asked about it he said the Italians were coming in and building time shares. This had brought jobs to those who can do construction. Drops in a bucket but drops are better than drought.

I asked about missionaries and churches. He said the Mormons are there and the Evangelicals most people are Catholic. There was a group of doctors who have opened a clinic and they treat people for things their local hospital can’t take care of. Their hospital wouldn’t even be considered an urgent care center here in the U.S..

Upon coming home I wanted to make a Mexican dinner so I ran to the Mexican market in town. On my drive I remembered I had given all of my cash to my husband. Lulu the Wonder Dog was with me and I said, “Lulu, I have no cash. I hope I have my bank card.” I was met by a homeless man who asked me for change or food. I said, I would bring him food since I didn’t have cash. I ordered a super steak burrito at the counter. As I waited I thought, who buys food for the Honduran homeless? If no one has money then who buys food? I grabbed the burrito, walked over to the cold drinks and bought a large water, grabbed the few things I needed and got in line at the checkout. Two checkers. One lane had a cart full, one lane had six things. I got in the six item lane. Yes, you guessed it, the person had WIC coupons. I thought, the mom in Honduras doesn’t have WIC. The mom in Honduras probably doesn’t have a hospital. I wonder if this woman knows she is blessed?

I paid for my things, went to the homeless man and gave him the burrito and water. Behind me a woman brought him groceries. I got in my car and before I drove off I thanked God for provision. I thanked Him for open eyes. We throw words around casually, “I’m starving”, when we haven’t eaten in a few hours, “I’m broke”, when we’ve spent our money, “I have no cash”, when we have a bank card.  It’s a matter of perspective. Tonight I am examining my thoughts and words carefully. I’m grateful but I want to also be aware. Fully present and fully aware. Lord, help me.