Category: marriage

Forbidden

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“My husband is not allowed to bring his work boots into the house.”

“My husband is allowed to see his children, but he’s not allowed to do super fun things without me being there.”

“My husband is not allowed to go out with his single friends.”

“My husband is not allowed to eat in the living room.”

“I don’t tell him how to run his business, he can’t tell me to run MY house.”

My house. That phrase resonated in my spirit. My house. These are all things I heard this month from women in my life. Can I just ask where we get off making rules like these for grown men? If feminism has taught us anything it has taught us that people get resentful when they are told they are not allowed to do something. What makes us, as wives, think we can dictate to another adult, who is supposedly our equal, what they can do in THEIR OWN HOME? Oh wait, maybe the key is, it isn’t their home, it’s ours. They just contribute a little cash.

What happens when we hear men say things like, “I don’t allow my wife to go out with her friends?” We become ENRAGED! How dare a man tell us what to do? He is marginalizing his wife. I’m afraid, dear friends, that the pendulum has swung the other way and it makes it no better just because a woman is calling the shots. A dictator is still a dictator and their subjects grow resentful under the weight of their demands.

I guess the questions I’m asking today are: when we complain that our husbands are acting like children, do we not see the source?

When we agreed to become partners did we not understand a ruler can not be partners with a slave, someone for whom they have no respect for?

What would be our response to a man who says, “My wife must have all of her chores done before I get to my house.”

YIKES I think we need to reevaluate our thinking.

The Woman Who Is To Be My Daughter-In-Law

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She may not know this, but I have been praying for her for years now.

She would have be patient as my son has a dominant Phlegmatic temperament. She’d have to be consistent and not one to change her mind often, and she’d have to be confident as Phlegmatics tend to be passive aggressive at times and this would be something to overcome.

I prayed that she would love the Lord as much as my son did. He has been called to ministry and he loves Jesus with his whole being. He loves seeing people come to Christ and he is active and involved in his church. I prayed for a good help meet.

I prayed she would be faithful. This legacy of divorce that hounds our family needs to end. I drew a line in the sand once I got saved and asked the Lord to change the path for our family to the thousandth generation.

I prayed she would be kind. Of course a mother prays for that quality in her children’s mates, as they will lead her grandchildren, and I want them led well.

I prayed she would be educated. My son loves politics, and books, and news, and sports. She’ll have to be well-rounded and able to hold her own convictions during conversations that often turn into deep discussions.

I prayed that love would overshadow the trials that come naturally when two dwell together. I prayed love would be enough, even when it wasn’t. I pray even now, that they both remember the love they have for one another always.

I prayed she loved video games a little less than he does.

I prayed she would want children and want to raise them, not hand them over to daycare.

I prayed she’d be a good fit for our family and be family oriented. Not one who wants to set the family apart but one that wants to be a part of ours.

I prayed she was sensible and not be prone to unreasonable arguments and drama. I prayed she wouldn’t come on the scene too soon, so that he would recognize her and his need for her.

I prayed she’d be practical and they would be able to work as a team towards common goals.

I prayed she’d have her own interests and friends, I didn’t want them to have conflicts in this area and I didn’t want either of them stuck at home while the other was out and about.

I prayed she was respectful and had a great sense of humor. I prayed she would laugh at the contradictions of who my son is. His quirky habits and sense of humor.

I prayed she’d overlook his faults and his mother. Maybe that should have been at the top of my list.

In less than two months, my son will marry his bride. My heart is filled with the goodness of God. He has given me my heart’s desire and more. Frances is beautiful, brilliant, and loved by us. She hasn’t had a bit of bridezilla attitude and she seems genuinely happy to be with my son. That’s really all I could ask for. Now that the wedding is at hand, I will begin praying for their marriage all the while praising the Lord for his mercy and grace on my life! We are a blessed family.

It’s A Lie

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Most weeks, two or three come in. For the most part, they’re filled out by women. Primarily they’re checked single with children. I’m talking about benevolence forms. These are forms asking the church for assistance.

We have a team of volunteers that works to get these forms processed. I’m not involved with the process itself, but I see how carefully the team works to choose who qualifies for assistance.

Society tells us that men are unnecessary. We can do this parenting thing alone. We don’t need a man. They’re a nice accessory. After all, they only want one thing right? They cheat, they lie, they don’t work hard enough. Yet, could it be that our expectations are so low when choosing whom to father our children, that we choose a man who is ill equipped? That choice leaves us vulnerable. We can blame the down economy but single women with children have always ranked highest amongst those living below the poverty level.

I read these forms with great sadness. Generally speaking the average seems to be three children, two fathers, never married, no one pays child support, and she has never worked or barely worked because someone had to take care of those babies. There is a hardness and a sadness about her story and when I see her, she’s lost the sparkle in her eye. Yet, society tells her she can do it all by herself.

Could it be that God designed sex within the context of marriage to alleviate this pain? Could it be that in his infinite wisdom and compassion he was looking to save us and our children from this struggle, this life of poverty?

It seems judgmental, even to my own eyes, when I read what I have written here today, and yet, life takes some planning. We, as the church, help with what we can, in terms of goods and services, but it’s a band-aid on a more critical wound. We all make mistakes and we all have to live out those consequences. How do we educate the next generation that just because he says, I love you in the backseat of his mom’s car, doesn’t mean that it’s the right time to awaken love? How do we change the lie, and it is a lie, that life will go on as planned? How do we change the story? Even among my Christian friends, they say sex before marriage is unreasonable and unattainable. A nice thought in theory, but not practical in life. We all stand in freakish awe when someone publicly declares that they are going to wait until they get married to have sex. Surely there is something wrong with them, because we are too smart to fall for a lie.

Women suffer, children suffer even more so, yet we plow forward thinking this time it will be different for her. It’s a lie. There is an enemy of your soul who desires to destroy your dream. There is a Dream Giver who is calling you to take more care. Who will you believe and what has to change within you? Within us?

Not Bone Of My Bone

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I have struggled with step-parenting. That is true and well documented. However, we really need to change our minds about how we speak of our children.

While out with Lauren, my stepdaughter, a man we both know, asked me, “I haven’t seen your kids in awhile. How are they doing?” I smiled, knowing what he meant but not wanting to feed this thinking, I answered, “One is standing right behind me.” I heard Lauren snicker. The man persisted, “No, I mean your real kids.” I answered, “She looks pretty real to me. Are you talking about my two oldest? They are fine. Working and living in Los Angeles.”

People who are reading this today, my request is this: please don’t distinguish between a biological and an adopted child. My step-children may not be bone of my bone but they are certainly children of my heart. Maybe it’s incomprehensible that a stepmother would love her children, since fairy tales tell us otherwise, but I do. So please think before you speak. I know most people do not think about what they are saying and I’m sure it wasn’t meant as a slam but what if you were Lauren hearing this conversation? What if I had responded in a different way? Would that have hurt her heart? Let’s just be a little more careful with our words.

Thankful

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I was sitting with my husband having lunch yesterday when a thought occurred to me that just warmed my heart and made me thankful to God. This past Sunday my son, Anthony, preached the word to the church. He spoke on the relationship we have with God and the obligation we have to each other. The Sunday before son # 2, Charles, preached to the church at youth day. He spoke on humility before God and how we needed to stay pliable before him.

I had simply taken this for granted until the moment God gave me the realization of the blessing he had bestowed on us. Our children pay a high price for what we do, as families in ministry can attest. Ministry is what we do and there aren’t on and off hours for it. Sure, we have great discussions abut the bible and our faith. but we have great arguments about what other kids are allowed to do versus ours. Funny, our kids think we don’t allow certain things because we are a “ministry family”. They don’t understand that we don’t allow certain things because we’re strict parents.

In this moment of clarity the Lord made me realize that despite the guilt I carry, the kids are okay. They know the word of God, they are growing up in the faith that we have taught them and they will, no doubt about it, surpass all that we have done and do even greater still. God has kept his hand firmly on them. God has directed their path even when we felt we were failing at juggling all the balls in the air.

All this to say that the realization was not that the kids were on the platform preaching and that is what made it good. What made it good was their understanding of the word and how it fits in their lives. To see them talk about their struggles and triumphs is what made it good. Somehow we did something right or at least we were carried by abounding grace.

Our daughters haven’t hit the platform (yet). They may or may not but I’m secure in the knowledge that they know God, they love him, and they serve him. That is all I need to feel that life is good!

A Stepmom Can Dream Right?

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I read

Eric Urbach’s article

and knew I had to share it!

When I read this excerpt I thought wow, this dad gets it!

It hit me at that moment that I had blown it. It wasn’t that I had specifically blown enforcement of the eating rule, but that I had communicated to my wife that what my son wanted outweighed the agreement she and I had made. I had also communicated to my son that the rule didn’t apply to him. Also, selfishly, I had also allowed my desire to avoid conflict get the best of me, but that’s probably another blog post.

Dating My Man

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Do you want to reap love in your marriage? Then you have to sow time. My husband is my best friend. He’s the one I tell my secrets to. He’s the one whose hand I love to feel in mine. He’s the one who I love to cuddle with at night. He’s the one I love to kiss and he still gives me goosebumps when he calls this California girl, Darlin’ in his Louisiana accent.

One thing I can tell you as a wife of many years is you have to keep dating each other to make sure this love lasts. You’ve got to sow some time into your marriage. You’ve got to date each other. Marriage doesn’t mean we take each other for granted. Marriage doesn’t mean we no longer work to look good for each other.

It doesn’t have to be extravagant dating either. Tonight we sat across the dinner table together. A beautiful table setting, placemats, chargers, and are you ready for it? Taco Bell. Yes, a taco from Taco Bell, just me and my love. We talked about heading out on vacation with the kids this week. We talked about how nice it would be to get away from it all for a few days. Then he looked at me and said, “Thanks for dinner.” His smile was really nice. I answered, “You’re welcome. I slaved for you because I love you and knew you’d be hungry.” We laughed together and went to go pack our suitcases.

Marriage doesn’t mean it’s over, it means it’s just beginning. If you’re in a rut, change it. Put on a pretty smile and remember what you loved about him before the cares of life hit. Then be that woman for him. If you haven’t done this in awhile he may look shocked, but I promise he’ll come around.

I know that women tend to balk at this type of post on the blog. “Why should I have to put on a pretty smile?” “Why should I have to be the one who tries?” “Why should I have to put on makeup for him?” “He’s gotten fat and lazy too.” To all of this my answer is, you didn’t win him by wearing sweats everyday, but you can lose each other with this type of thinking. If you don’t think he’s going anywhere look around at your countless friends whose marriages have broken over their lack of care. I’m tired of defending my position and don’t really feel led to say a whole lot more here today. Suffice it to say that when I take the time to be the wife my husband married, he smiles more, he compliments more, he helps me more, he’s more of a friend to me. He’ll actually stop his video game playing when I come home from bible study night and attentively listen to me. If this isn’t enough, then I don’t know what women want and that’s a whole other post.

A Different Kind of Battle

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http://www.etsy.com/listing/72758807/stepmom-mothers-day-fairy-tale-card

Here is another article on being a step mom from CNN.

Linda Petty writes a great article on the life of a step mom. I loved her job advertisement because it is just that way. She goes back to write some of the comments on the article written by Rachelle Katz that I blogged about on May 6, 2011, and it highlights the differing views on step moms.

Maybe the world is starting to recognize that there are more blended families than biological families and that there is much help needed!

What A Man Needs

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When is a man ready for a relationship that leads to marriage? I teach this to our girls in youth group. Five things God gave Adam before he gave him a wife. Today I was reminded of the teaching so I thought I’d share it with you. It’s not my original thought. In fact, I got it from Dr. Myles Munroe back in 1992-93-ish but it’s still powerful knowledge today.

Genesis 2:7 the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

So we begin to see an order in God’s design of man. The first was relationship with God above all. A man whose need for a savior is foremost in his life is on the right path.

Genesis 2:8 Now the LORD God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the man he had formed.

Although the Lord was Adam’s father, Adam had his own place to live.

Genesis 2:15 The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it.

Adam had a job. Need I say more?

Genesis 2:16 And the LORD God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; 17 but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die.”

Adam lived within order and within the parameters of the laws set before him.

Genesis 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” 19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

Adam reached a point in his life where he recognized the need for help-meet. He recognized that he had God, but that there was something missing.

God in his infinite wisdom led Adam down a path of order to a point where he realized he wanted to share his life with another living being. So often, we circumvent the process in an attempt to make things happen by our own hand. Perhaps this is why the divorce rate is so high. Perhaps this is why there are so many unwed mothers and absent dads. We didn’t recognize the need for each other. When we don’t know the purpose of something we tend to abuse or misuse what we’ve been given. If we are given things we didn’t yet earn, we don’t value it.

I love that I have women in their 20’s who see me around town and remember the teaching they received in high school. I’ll hear, “Pastora, he has three, as they hold up three fingers, but you know me, I’m waiting for the five!” In their age group one of the things they are missing is the need. Let’s be wise! Let’s wait until he’s ready. We’ve been playing house since we can remember but men have been busy playing war. He needs to conquer some things first, let’s be at peace with that.