Frances Martinez

You first met her here

I found the beginning of this post from four years ago as I was editing my drafts. If you ever wonder about my writing sometimes they are finished years after they are started. 

Sitting at our breakfast table last week eating with my son and daughter-in-love the conversation went like this:

Frances: “They have kittens at the shelter and they have a sale going on.”

Anthony: “Umm humm”

Me: “Lucy would do better with a friend. You should get one.”

Frances: “They have an orange one.”

Anthony: “You’ve been wanting an orange one.”

Frances: “What do you think?”

Anthony: “Well, in a few years, we’re going to have a couple of kids, a dog and two cats. I’ll be at work, you’ll be home, so what do you think?”

Frances: “It sounds a little overwhelming.”

Anthony: “Ummm hummm”

Could I have any better joy than to have a daughter-in-love who is working out the plan of her life with her husband in such a special way? She has a career and goals and a thoughtful process of proceeding.

Cut to today. 

Our oldest children have made a major move across the state and are expecting our first grandchild. I can hardly wait. Those dreams sitting at the table four years ago are coming true. God’s timing is always perfect.

Never settle for now. Pray, dream, plan, execute. Living your dream should be a goal!

Oh and the second kitten came. This means the dog and second baby are on the way!

All Over Again

 

 

 

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My son Anthony and my daughter-in-love Frances arrived on Saturday night for a visit. They are expecting their first child in May. Frances tells my husband that she bought him a book And hands him this one called How To Babysit A Grandpa. He laughed and said thank you then went to sit in his recliner and joyfully opened his book. You see, we’re about to be grandparents to our very first grandchild.

I watched him read the book and chuckle as he turned the pages. His smile filled his eyes, “Listen to this”, he exclaimed, “Snacks for a grandpa, ice cream topped with cookies, olives served on fingertips, anything dipped in ketchup, cookies topped with ice cream.”

When I posted on Facebook the cover of the new book my husband had been given, he wrote, “I can’t wait to meet my babysitter.”

I fell in love with him all over again. 

Here’s to our new adventures in this next season.

I wonder if Lulu the Wonder Dog will love the baby as much as we do? I am sure she’ll appreciate the clean up when he begins eating solids.

A Couple’s Gift

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I’m in ministry to women. In that role I hear about some hard things women go through but the ones that gets me the most are cheating and hatefulness, and yes cheating is hateful so let me explain what I mean. When a wife cheats or her husband cheats the results are the same. There is unbearable pain caused to the other because it was never an accident or a mistake. It was a series of many choices. The choice to call, the choice to meet up, the choice to speak about things a married person has no business talking about to another person, a choice to spend money on drinks, dinners, or gifts that took time and money away from a family. It was a choice to pretend not to be married. A CHOICE. Often the payback is that the wronged spouse now believes all bets are off and cheats themselves creating a cycle of wrong behavior. I don’t believe in sexual addiction and it isn’t recognized by the American Psychiatric Association so when that becomes an excuse I don’t buy it.

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Then there are those couples who don’t value each other. They speak to each other with such disdain. It’s when a person who doesn’t care what the other person wants and only wants their way, neither do they accept any blame for their part of the craziness, that you can see there is no love. It’s an insistence on your own way. It’s pure selfishness and often stems from those who think it’s the responsibility of one to make the other happy by making sure it’s their way or the highway.

The covenant or vow of love has been made and broken and while sin may be personal it is never private it affects many. Over and over again I see that although some choose to stay together it is never the same. The marriage becomes a fragmented piece of what could have been whole. It opens doors that can’t be closed again.

To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as we both shall live. 

Why is this post coming at Christmas? At the first of the year, when the bills come in from overspending and the gifts that were expected weren’t received, and extended family acted up, and the stress of the holidays are over, people end up in my office with offenses going back to 2008. These offenses normally fall into two main categories, adultery and hatefulness.

Give yourself a gift this Christmas. Choose love. Love wouldn’t ever hurt another in fact lover prefers one another. Yes there are options and divorce is more acceptable to me than killing each other slowly, however the bible is clear on covenant and no one walks away unscathed.

 

Everything You Ever Wanted

 

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You know him. He’s the nice guy. The one that remembers that you hate chocolate covered cherries but love lilies. The one that works a real job and doesn’t have a baby mama or isn’t having welfare raise his kids or another man. The one you say is your best friend but you could never look at him like that. The one who is kind and treats you well and who you think is boring and steady. Well Darling look at him again because he may be the one. He’s everything you need and everything you’ll ever want once you stop looking for the drama.

 

Read The Warning Label

image22% of married men cheat.

17% of married women cheat

*according to divorcestatistics.info

It’s fairly even across the board. The reasons don’t matter really. What matters is that the warning signs are there long before you get to this excruciatingly painful place. Yes, long before you walk down an aisle and make irrevocable vows.

When you’re not a priority when dating.

When the previous relationship hasn’t ended before this one begins.

When you rush to marriage before knowing the person.

When excuses for other poor behavior abound.

The good news is that if you go into a relationship with full disclosure of who you have chosen you know the outcome. When you have taken the time to grow up and know what you want you tend to cut your chances down of being cheated on. Yes, absolutely there are those people who look really good on paper and blindside you but more often than not there were signs that were ignored.

It’s always a choice.

Don’t get so desperate that you think there is no one else. Stay true to what you know. Read the warning labels. Then whatever you do don’t ignore them.

Nailed The Landing

Because sometimes I realize that we’ve been walking through some very stressful issues, taking one step at a time, thanking God he got us through another day and promising that tomorrow we’ll pick it up again. In the midst of things we know our love stands and that we each can be counted on to be there for each other steady and strong and unshaken. How do couples in ministry do this work without each other? How do couples in any situation do life without being able to count on each other?

Then a day like yesterday wakes me up suddenly to find that:

“I am not scared of the elements, I am under-prepared,but I am willing and even better I get to be the other half of you.” ~Sara Barellies

Today as I sat and had lunch with a friend she reminds me of how blessed I am to have you and I have to agree it’s more than I dreamed it could be. She says it’s a once in a lifetime relationship. I know this first hand.

Maybe when life feels like I’m walking on a balance beam I need to look ahead and know that I have already nailed the landing and scored the gold! Love you Baby. I choose you every day I have breath to breathe.

 

 

Moments of Desperation

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In 1999 we began attending a little church in a little town. Walking in for the first time it was scene right out of the 80’s. Wallpaper border, pink walls, fake plants, and lots of stuff spray painted gold. Like all churches, some of the people were nice and said hello and others didn’t. The pastor could not remember my name and I think addressed me by many names before he gave up. Can you tell I wasn’t really impressed?

I had come from a big city with a big church and big programs and lots of opportunities to serve. Small towns don’t really have all of that but somehow I expected the church to have it and I can’t even tell you why. We’d walk in Sunday after Sunday and I would look at the negative. The message was solid but I wasn’t happy because it wasn’t fulfilling my needs.

I begged my husband to commute to our old church. He was reassuring but firm.

“Susan, do they open their bibles and preach from it?”

“Yes, they do but they also are really concerned about Y2K and…”

“Yes, that’s beside the point. Is the teaching solid?”

“Yes, but that lady was rude telling us we weren’t allowed to sit in her seat.”

“I know you’re unhappy but you need to focus on God. We’re not leaving and commuting to church. Our family needs to be involved in the city we live in. So unless God speaks to me, we’re staying here.”

“But what if he speaks to me?” This was my approach at manipulation and my husband was wise enough to not argue.

Can God speak to us as wives? Of course he can. Does he lead us out of our covering? I don’t see it in scripture. Looking back to that unhappy beginning I could not have seen the things that I would face over these last 17 years.  I would lose my husband to an untimely death. I would raise my children in that little church. I would marry its pastor. I would answer a call to ministry and I would be sitting here today reflecting on how submission works for our good.

I could have fought hard for my way. I could have led my family out because I wasn’t getting what I needed but I knew my husband was a good leader if I would allow him to be and I knew that he would guide me well. Trust is the issue that causes us to do what we want despite our spouses protests. We don’t believe they are spiritual enough. We don’t believe they hear from the Lord as well as we do. We don’t ultimately trust them to lead.

Often in women’s ministry I am asked to pray for that backslidden husband or to pray for that husband to become more mature in the things of the Lord but what I see often is when that man does stand up for what he’d like he stands in the opposition of his wife.

Let’s be wise women, praying in unity with our spouse without manipulation. Allowing our speech to be pleasing and not divisive, and knowing that moments of desperation are not moments of flight but moments of submission to a greater cause that we know nothing about in the moment.