Category: Love

Why Men Cheat

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The number one search engine term that people use to get to our blog is ‘I am a mistake’ which prompted me to write the blog You’re Not A Mistake. The second thing that brings people to our site are issues with children and we’ve written quite a bit on that.

The third is ‘why do men cheat’. I hadn’t written on it because I didn’t really think I had answers. I began to make notes as to what some reasons are that we hear in counseling as to why men cheat. Interestingly enough I found some common reasons.

Hungry Men Cheat. No! Not hungry as in physical food but hungry as in something is missing. Whether a valid concern or a fantasy of what they thought a marriage was supposed to be, it doesn’t really matter because it still leads them down a wrong path. So the question is why are they hungry and what are they hungry for?

Respect. So often we marry men and then expect them to change. When they don’t become that fantasy man we thought they had potential to become we get mad. We begin to nitpick at their flaws. Who wants that? So suddenly the girl at the office who thinks he has potential and flatters him begins to look good. Just like you used to look before you decided he wasn’t all that.

Lisa Bevere made a poignant statement in her series Nurture. She said that women train their husbands and serve their children. That statement smacked me in the head. How many times have we determined that our husbands way of doing things are wrong and ours is right? What gives us the right? I think most women would respond negatively if the roles were reversed. Quit nagging about what he isn’t and appreciate what he is. I don’t think I have to go into any more details here. Make your man feel as if what he does for you is important.

Letting ourselves go. What does it cost us to put some makeup on and try to look like we care a little bit? There is this thing, I believe, in marriage where we become too familiar. I don’t give myself a facial in front of my husband. I understand he’s visual and I don’t want to put an image of my face with a mud mask as a visual in his head. I also keep myself in decent shape and I wear pretty things in and out of bed. We need to quit lying to ourselves and making excuses for our lackadaisical behavior. We would have been mortified if, when we were dating, our man had seen us the way we run around now. You put your best foot forward for strangers, why don’t we do that for our husbands?

Putting others above him. There is no one above your husband. Not your mom, not your best friend, not your children. You need to remember that. If you don’t put your husband as number one someone else will.

Be sexy, flirt shamelessly, have lots of sex, be nice to him, cook him dinner.

Finally, sometimes no matter what you do and how good you are at the things I’ve mentioned above, affairs happen. Sometimes, you married a bad man who didn’t appreciate what he had at home. Sometimes he didn’t put the boundaries in place in his life that he needed to keep himself safe. Sometimes he’s so busy looking around for the next best thing that he will never be satisfied with the good thing he’s found. There are men who hang with other men where cheating is expected and they fall to peer pressure. Then there is the power they feel in being able to conquer. These aren’t your normal decent men. Your normal decent man isn’t looking at other women with lust. He’s happy at home.

If you are honest you’ll see places where you can affair-proof your marriage. It won’t guarantee 100%, but it can make a big difference.

Ultimately though, I will say an affair is a decision that was made. Two people did not just get naked without a lot of boundaries being broken. So the responsibility of the action falls on the person having the affair. The actions that lead up to this devastating action is ours to examine and change before it’s too late.

The Honeymoon

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This is an ongoing series on Blended Families. To read the previous post click here.

I’m sure Cinderella loved Lady Tremaine in the beginning. It always starts out with a love fest. I don’t think any stepmother would enter into a relationship with children who hated her. Cinderella, being an only child had to have imagined having two sisters would be a blessing. Lady Tremaine must have felt that one more daughter to love would be wonderful as well. Finally two broken families would become one complete one! Sounds romantic and safe doesn’t it?

If only that were the end of the story, we’d smile and go home bored. We don’t know the middle part of the story but we know it ends very badly. We know we’ve never seen Lady Tremaine smile. Not even once. We know that she has become angry and bitter. Have you ever asked yourself why?

Further we know from Cinderella’s perspective that she feels she is a slave, she gets no love and everyone hates her. This is pretty typical even today. In the story of Hansel and Gretel their dad was a woodcutter. How long must their dad had been out in the woods that their stepmother got fed up, and sent them to the witch’s house?

While these may be fairy tales of our childhood and great Disney animated movies we can learn a lot from them. For example, will the biological parent please stand up? Where are the parents in these scenarios? Where are the grandparents and the support systems that these families need? This is an important key to the entire process.

The honeymoon phase is that dating part of the relationship where everyone is happy to know each other. Only I wonder how much of this is imagination and wishful thinking and how much of this is real? In a dating situation it’s a lot easier to overlook the underlying issues but if we are honest we see the issues, it just that love clouds judgment in this stage.

I know a woman who thought her boyfriend’s kids were out of control and needed some discipline. When she broached the subject with him, he answered, “Of course my kids are out of control, I’m out of control, that’s why you are so good for us, you will bring us balance.” Instead of heeding the warning signals that were being thrown at her she became a Lady Tremaine within a year. The problem was the family clinged to her. They had fun with her, they wanted to be around her and she was flattered enough to overlook her intuition.

Other women I have spoken to say all was well until they got married then the children turned on them. It really wasn’t that the children turned on them, it was that there are such delicate dynamics here. Day to day living is a much different animal than the honeymoon phase.

You must go in with eyes wide open. What are some of the obstacles? What do the biological parents think of this new relationship? In the movie Stepmom, there is a scene where the children are horse-back riding with their mother played by Susan Sarrandon. The children are discussing Isabel their dad’s new love interest, played by Julia Roberts, and they seem to like her. There is a poignant moment in the film where the children see the reaction of their mother and sense that she is not pleased at all. So they tell their mother, “If you want us to hate her we will.” Remember that a child’s first allegiance is always going to be with the bio parent. Even still Hollywood makes endings simple. Real life is not.

One of the healthiest thing a parent can do is give their child permission to love. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case in a divorce situation and so a war ensues where the prisoners of war are the children.

Expectation

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Psalm 5:1 Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. 2 Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. 3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Expectation: noun the act or state of expect.
Expect Verb: to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of

In Psalm 5 the psalmist says with confidence in Verse 3- …O LORD, you hear my voice

He doesn’t say he hopes the Lord hears his voice, he doesn’t plead, “oh please hear my voice”. He says, O LORD, you hear my voice. There is a level of expectancy that has to be there for a believer to move forward in the things of God. What is the level of your expectation?

The psalmist goes on to say, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.

Again, he is saying I lay it all bare before you Lord and then I wait for it to manifest according to your will. When was the last time you prayed with that level of confidence and patience? When was the last time you didn’t touch a situation and merely waited in expectation?

I want to ask a very important question to you all today. What are you expecting? I believe for most of us we need to raise our level of expectation. If you say you haven’t met the Holy Spirit in a while, it’s because you haven’t expected to not because he isn’t at work.

A few weeks ago, on prayer night, only a handful of us showed up. So we went old school in our music. There was tongue talking, crying out, Holy Ghost movement here in the house. Why? Because when those songs are played, we go back to our memories and we remember a sweet time with the Lord so we EXPECT some movement. The Holy Spirit isn’t moved because of the songs, the Holy Spirit is moved because of our expectant hearts.

Our religious nature tells us that the Holy Spirit is present when all is perfect, when we are dressed in an expected dress code, when we play a certain style of music, when we stand at the reading of the word. I don’t believe any of that because I see no reference in scripture to it. I see God searching for hearts who wait expectantly for a touch from their Master.

What is your level of expectation? Have you lacked the Holy Spirit in your life? You’ve been tracing back steps to where you last felt him thinking that it was that spot, that song, that circumstance that caused it? Then I ask you how big is your God? Why is your God limited to time and space?

The God I serve, the God you serve, meets you at your expectation. He gave you dominion. He enters when you allow him to. He is not, nor has he ever been, nor will he ever be limited to a song, circumstance, or place. He is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful, all consuming and nothing or no one can put him in a box. He meets the prostitute, the sinner, the drug addicted, the saint, he meets all of us when we earnestly cry out to him.

I wonder if you will put down your religion long enough to meet the God of freedom? Raise your level of expectation and usher in the presence of the Lord your God.

Frances Gets Baptized

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Saturday I drove to Santa Monica with Ana Valencia, Anthony’s second mom and a blessing to me. We went to see my son’s girlfriend, Frances get baptized. A beautiful sunset service as three women committed their lives to Christ and the great commission was fulfilled.

L2R Me, Ana, Kim, Anthony, Frances, Jennifer, Mike, Craig

The first one to go into the water was a woman named Katie. Her family came in from Vancouver Canada. A beautiful spirit she beamed ear to ear. I love to see how God radiates in the smile of a believer.

Katie gets baptized first.

Frances went second. My picture came out blurry but my mind will never forget this moment.

Next went a beautiful woman named Molly. Molly may never know the impact she had on my life. I wonder if she realized that she quoted Jesus in the midst of her tears? Do you know the feeling when you witness a true God moment that is so extraordinary that it is imprinted on your heart forever? This was this kind of moment.

This next picture is of Kim, Frances’ bestie from Tennessee. I have to tell you that I love Kim. She is just one of those people that you meet and you’ve known forever. She makes me smile and her heart is so expansive. I am blessed to know her!

Kim and Frances

This is a picture of Marie, one of the small group leaders who helped lead Frances to this moment. She opens her home and heart for study.

This is June, she leads the small group in Marie’s home and made sure these women were ready to embark on this new journey with Christ.

I was honored to part of this special occasion. I love that three women submitted their lives to Christ last night. I love that in the water walked the old man and out emerged the new nature. Three women received keys to Kingdom last night. The angels rejoiced, God smiled great big and a new adventure unfolded.

In the Narnia Chronicles, Susan asks if Aslan is safe. No, is the response. He is not safe but he is good. Mighty women of God, your adventure begins and it doesn’t guarantee safety in the way we look at safety. It doesn’t guarantee that each day will be filled with happiness and heartache will never come. It does promise that God is good and that he will see you through it all, that your safety is secure in the end.

May your adventure be one of fulfillment, contentment, risk and the secure knowledge that in the end it all works out for your good and the good of those who you will impact for Jesus!

Boundaries Part 2

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To read part 1 click here.

So what are some boundaries to consider discussing before you get married and blend a family? Here are some basic questions to get you started but there are many, many more and it is wise to begin to get a list together.

Will children have their own rooms or will they share?

Who will clean the room?

Are children allowed to play with each other’s things without permission?

If a child visits on weekends, will that child have special exemptions from the everyday household chores of the children who live in the home permanently?

Will the children be allowed to bring their pets from their other family home on visits?

Will the non-biological parent be allowed to discipline the children?

What does discipline look like to you?

What do children’s chores look like to you?

Are you allowed to open each other’s mail?

Are there certain things that are off limits? For example, can children come into your room and get your favorite lipstick, razor, blouse, watch?

How much input, into your new marriage, is allowed to be made by your former spouses?

Is a pet snake an acceptable family pet?

How will holidays be handled?

How much is too much to spend on clothing, video games, Christmas?

You can see how problems can arise quickly and escalate into pitting two camps against each other. Nothing is too petty to discuss at this point. It is no wonder we find Lady Tremaine angry when we meet her. I don’t believe any woman sets out to marry a man with children just to torment them and herself.

Finally, a word of warning, do not put this off or think it’s going to work out on it’s own. It just isn’t. Also beware that if you are compromising your answers to get this marriage started, you will face the consequences later. It is much better to discuss and find out that although you love each other, this will not work, than it is to drag yourself and your family through another divorce.

Finally, if you are already married, it is never too late to sit down calmly, not during a battle, and strategize. You already know what the issues are, now it’s time to lay them on the table and come to reasonable solutions.

Boundaries

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This is third installment to read part 2 click here.

From Cinderella’s perspective we get the story that she was made to do all the chores and her only friends were mice. This is pretty much the perspective overall of stepchildren worldwide. While the biological daughters were getting their hair done, poor Cinderella was slaving for this family.

When a couple gets married for the first time, boundaries aren’t really an issue. They are established together and little by little as life unfolds, they discover things about themselves and about each other and boundaries are set and discussed. So it is no wonder that we believe that the same process of the first marriage is exactly how you would begin a second marriage.

Not so at all. A second marriage comes with a whole cast of characters that you didn’t have in a first marriage. A second marriage often has children already in place, it also has ex-spouses, ex-in-laws, friends who are friends with your ex, and well, you get the picture. It is a serious misconception that you come into this marriage as a man and a woman getting ready to begin a life together. You come in as two camps trying to make a life together. It is a much harder proposition to make several people happy, rather than just please two people in love.

Boundaries must be set before the wedding. This is one of the pitfalls I see to second marriages. The boundaries are necessary or there will be a lot of presumptions, miscommunications, hurt feelings, and battles. Think about it. If you live in a house, it has clear land boundaries. Let’s say you have great neighbors. You guys BBQ out in the back yard, if you forget to take the trash out to the curb on trash day, if he notices, he halls it out there for you, you guys like each other. One day your neighbor buys a new RV. Only it doesn’t fit in his carport, but if he removes your fence, he can park it in your yard because you have plenty of room! He neither asks you nor considers that you’d mind at all. He simply does it. You arrive home from work, your dog has run away, because the fence is down, and there is this big RV in your yard. Your neighbor looks shocked! How could you be mad? After all, he’s taken your trash out for years. Suddenly you have problems.

There is a saying that says: Good fences make good neighbors. This applies to second marriages. You are bringing two families together there must be boundaries or there will be battles. Those battles can increase and become a war in no time.

Next week, we’ll discuss what boundaries should be set and some serious questions that need some answers.

Nurture

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Sitting in the nail salon, a beautiful young woman comes over, “Oh, I want to see your nails and what you’re getting done.” I smiled and showed off my pink nails with black and white stripes and out of my mouth came the strangest thing, laughing I said, “You’re so beautiful! Look at you, all tan and pretty.” I don’t know why I said, it is so out of my character but here I sit and only God knows.

She answered, “Oh, you say that because you’re American. If you were Filipino you wouldn’t say that. I am too dark, plus I play sports in college and so I am outside a lot. You have no idea how many whitening creams I’ve tried. Nothing works. Americans all say they wished they had my skin but my mom says to cover up.”

“Are you kidding? Most people pay big bucks and never get your skin color. You are gorgeous!”

She smiled a great big smile.

Okay, now I know why I said what I said. Here stood this beautiful girl, early 20’s, I later find out, with the perfect body and long dark hair, great personality, outgoing and friendly and she needed a little nurture from a mom figure.

Daughters of the Most High King, who are you nurturing today?

Detached Emotions

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I had a long drive yesterday to pick up tile to finish the fellowship hall. Flipping through radio stations, I stopped at the Oprah Channel and listened to a show with Dr. Laura Berman. The topic interested me because she was going to interview 20 something women on issues of sexuality.

It wasn’t long into the show before I was very saddened by what I was hearing. In modern-day sexuality of friends with benefits and one night stands, where does that leave a young women? I heard these young women make comments like, “All my other sexual partners…”, “How do I tell him that I find (fill in the blank) strange?”. It wasn’t that I was thinking they’d had so many partners, it was that I saw the discomfort. On the one hand, they are having sex, the most intimate thing you can do with a man, and they can’t talk about their feelings. One woman said she was able to have multiple partners because she was able to emotionally detach.

Yet, the thing the that blew me away was that sex wasn’t about pleasure for them. In the group only one woman had achieved an orgasm. Dr. Berman said this is typical and meets the studies. Although it wasn’t spoken, it sounded to me that it was more about expectation than it was about anything else.

While there are some who read this site that will think this isn’t a topic for Christian site, I disagree. I don’t think the women in the church do much better in this area, but if we keep quiet it will never get better. Teaching why something is the way it is makes it understandable. If we keep pointing to scripture without explanation it will never get better. I believe we have to explain why.

Sex sells, no doubt about it, from perfume to hamburgers we are inundated with sexual images in the media. When sex becomes casual and not profound then you begin to detach. When you unlock doors prematurely, with images brought on too early, desires awakening before they are understood, pressures from society that tell you sex is no big deal and love that awakens before it so desires, Song 2:7, 3:5, 8:4, through consent or through pain, then you begin to shut off emotionally. This is how we are able to emotionally detach. I don’t think these women were bad, I think these women are asking questions and trying to figure out where they fit in. I don’t think they understand the why of things any better than most.

God put sex in the confines of marriage because it is emotional. Sex is intimate, pleasurable, or should be, sacred and profound. It is not just for having babies, it’s for relationship with your spouse. I know that sounds old-fashioned but the purpose is to save us heartache. God didn’t put sex in marriage to punish us but to protect us. He made woman the last thing he put on earth because she was to be the crown of creation. She was the one who brought peace to man who had discovered there was no mate suitable for him. She was brought on the scene to be the finishing touch, the answer to his longing. Had she been brought on earlier she would have been abused by a man who didn’t understand her purpose, not because men are abusive but because he would not have known better. God brought woman to a man who understood her worth. I can’t imagine not being able to look at my husband in the eye and tell him my desires because we have intimacy and a bond that makes comfort possible.

Sex is a big deal. It’s leaving a part of you with someone else. God isn’t being punitive, he protecting his children from the misunderstandings of a great gift opened too early.

When Love Is Not Enough

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This part two in our series for stepmoms. Click here for part 1-Our Measure.

I once heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger say love is about 30% of a marriage. Being a romantic I thought surely it was more than that, but when you look at a marriage realistically, you find that Dr. Laura and the song by Patty Smyth are right, “Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough”. You would think that in a second marriage we’d be a little wiser with our hearts but that really isn’t the case. The heart falls in love the same way it always does and the head needs to be the voice of reason. There are some good reasons to postpone or walk away from a potential partner even when you love them.

Look for the warning signals and listen to your gut. Are either of you too involved with ex’s? Be real here, where there are children involved, there are going to be conversations, I’m talking about being too involved. Does the ex have keys to the place? Are family dinners still taking place and are holidays still spent together? Having you come into the scene might be a really confusing thing to a child whose parent has moved out but everything else looks like a family to them. That will create a war with you and the child and it will not be pretty. Is the ex couple still at war? There are no wars when it’s not personal anymore.

Do you agree with parenting styles? This will be the number 1 debate in a second marriage. Do you agree with his parenting style? Does he agree with yours? Is he constantly in court fighting over custody? Ask yourself, do you want to be a part of that? Are you financially equipped to handle that? Does the amount of money it costs to raise the children going to be an issue for you? Will there be things one set of kids will be able to afford to do, say summer camps or luxury gifts, that the other set of kids will not be afforded the opportunity to do? How will this affect your household? Be honest!

Now look at the blame game. Is his divorce all his ex’s fault? Has he claimed to have no control over his life whatsoever? Did everything just happen to him without his participation? This is the mind of a victim thinker and you walk into this relationship knowing that fact. Then ask yourself if you have accepted your responsibility in the demise of your marriage as well? Are you playing the victim?

Often when we see someone who we feel is a victim we tend to think we can fix it for them. We think we can make it all better and they will love us forever for making it all go away. We neglect to think about what happens to the relationship, and the changes it will go through, once one or both of you become whole again.

A second marriage is different in that it brings on added stresses and realizations. This isn’t just about the usual questions of money, career and how many children you want to have. No, the issues in second marriages are even greater than that. I believe that most often we ignore all the other issues that go with a second marriage and we neglect that we are bringing with us baggage that just doesn’t exist in a first marriage.

In my honest opinion I don’t think anyone should go into a first marriage with someone who is on their second marriage, if there are children involved. It’s way too complicated and best left alone. The heartache I’ve experienced in these situations just are too much to bear.

What happens if you are reading this but you are already married and living out a nightmare? Can it be repaired? The great news is it can. It will require serious work. You’ll both have to get some therapy and go through a lot of self-examination, letting some dreams go, letting some control go and have a lot of patience and grace, as you wade through this. Are you willing to do the work? Are you willing to do some changing? I’m praying that you are.