Why Men Cheat

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The number one search engine term that people use to get to our blog is ‘I am a mistake’ which prompted me to write the blog You’re Not A Mistake. The second thing that brings people to our site are issues with children and we’ve written quite a bit on that.

The third is ‘why do men cheat’. I hadn’t written on it because I didn’t really think I had answers. I began to make notes as to what some reasons are that we hear in counseling as to why men cheat. Interestingly enough I found some common reasons.

Hungry Men Cheat. No! Not hungry as in physical food but hungry as in something is missing. Whether a valid concern or a fantasy of what they thought a marriage was supposed to be, it doesn’t really matter because it still leads them down a wrong path. So the question is why are they hungry and what are they hungry for?

Respect. So often we marry men and then expect them to change. When they don’t become that fantasy man we thought they had potential to become we get mad. We begin to nitpick at their flaws. Who wants that? So suddenly the girl at the office who thinks he has potential and flatters him begins to look good. Just like you used to look before you decided he wasn’t all that.

Lisa Bevere made a poignant statement in her series Nurture. She said that women train their husbands and serve their children. That statement smacked me in the head. How many times have we determined that our husbands way of doing things are wrong and ours is right? What gives us the right? I think most women would respond negatively if the roles were reversed. Quit nagging about what he isn’t and appreciate what he is. I don’t think I have to go into any more details here. Make your man feel as if what he does for you is important.

Letting ourselves go. What does it cost us to put some makeup on and try to look like we care a little bit? There is this thing, I believe, in marriage where we become too familiar. I don’t give myself a facial in front of my husband. I understand he’s visual and I don’t want to put an image of my face with a mud mask as a visual in his head. I also keep myself in decent shape and I wear pretty things in and out of bed. We need to quit lying to ourselves and making excuses for our lackadaisical behavior. We would have been mortified if, when we were dating, our man had seen us the way we run around now. You put your best foot forward for strangers, why don’t we do that for our husbands?

Putting others above him. There is no one above your husband. Not your mom, not your best friend, not your children. You need to remember that. If you don’t put your husband as number one someone else will.

Be sexy, flirt shamelessly, have lots of sex, be nice to him, cook him dinner.

Finally, sometimes no matter what you do and how good you are at the things I’ve mentioned above, affairs happen. Sometimes, you married a bad man who didn’t appreciate what he had at home. Sometimes he didn’t put the boundaries in place in his life that he needed to keep himself safe. Sometimes he’s so busy looking around for the next best thing that he will never be satisfied with the good thing he’s found. There are men who hang with other men where cheating is expected and they fall to peer pressure. Then there is the power they feel in being able to conquer. These aren’t your normal decent men. Your normal decent man isn’t looking at other women with lust. He’s happy at home.

If you are honest you’ll see places where you can affair-proof your marriage. It won’t guarantee 100%, but it can make a big difference.

Ultimately though, I will say an affair is a decision that was made. Two people did not just get naked without a lot of boundaries being broken. So the responsibility of the action falls on the person having the affair. The actions that lead up to this devastating action is ours to examine and change before it’s too late.

3 thoughts on “Why Men Cheat

  1. Kudos on a very positive message to women about what their proper role in marriage should be.

    I have indicated this on other sites that I have visited and have been called all manner of vile names from women coming out of the woodwork to dump on me.

    We are fighting rampant misandry (reverse sexism by women against men) in our society. This feminist philosophy has crept into our churches and has gained acceptance.

    Feminists demand their right to say no to their husbands at their own whim and yet have no compunction about forcing their husbands do without sex AGAINST his will. But then when did you ever see a feminist point anyone to Jesus?

    I also suggested that women wear frilly feminine lingerie for their husbands and the women became even more livid and hateful.

    It is always a pleasure to read your column.

    Blessings on you and yours
    John Wilder

  2. Not to object to what John Wilder said but to expand on it, men have a responsibility to the woman as well. IF the husband isn’t appreciating the wife’s efforts in the home, encouraging her in her passions, loving her through her struggles, being her cheerleader with the friendships and generally communicating love for her as a mom, wife, friend and companion, he’s set himself up for no frilly outfits and becomes unattractive as well.

    A relationship implies a two-way street with the responsibility for it firmly sitting on both shoulders. A woman who feels her husband doesn’t appreciate her won’t feel enthusiastic in the bedroom—unlike a man who can have sex when he’s angry, stressed, depressed or frustrated. Not to dis what you said about women looking their best, Susan, but I personally think a woman in her scruffy clothes looks kinda sexy, and also believe a man must make love to his wife by washing the dishes with her, helping her take care of the house, and in a host of other ways.

    Making love comes first, sex is just another form of expressing it. When we show we understand, appreciate and care about our partner, we’ve opened the door to receiving joy, conversation and pleasure.

  3. Absolutely right Jon! Sometimes I think I need to blog more to men about what makes a woman tick on this site. I always think since I have a women’s ministry that I am speaking primarily to women but that doesn’t mean men don’t read this site, they clearly do, and so I should address these issues from both perspectives.

    I remember a teaching of Dan Allendar once that said, foreplay begins when a man walks to the dishwasher after breakfast and rinses and stack his dish. He was so right on.

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