Category: Friendship

Dating My Man

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Do you want to reap love in your marriage? Then you have to sow time. My husband is my best friend. He’s the one I tell my secrets to. He’s the one whose hand I love to feel in mine. He’s the one who I love to cuddle with at night. He’s the one I love to kiss and he still gives me goosebumps when he calls this California girl, Darlin’ in his Louisiana accent.

One thing I can tell you as a wife of many years is you have to keep dating each other to make sure this love lasts. You’ve got to sow some time into your marriage. You’ve got to date each other. Marriage doesn’t mean we take each other for granted. Marriage doesn’t mean we no longer work to look good for each other.

It doesn’t have to be extravagant dating either. Tonight we sat across the dinner table together. A beautiful table setting, placemats, chargers, and are you ready for it? Taco Bell. Yes, a taco from Taco Bell, just me and my love. We talked about heading out on vacation with the kids this week. We talked about how nice it would be to get away from it all for a few days. Then he looked at me and said, “Thanks for dinner.” His smile was really nice. I answered, “You’re welcome. I slaved for you because I love you and knew you’d be hungry.” We laughed together and went to go pack our suitcases.

Marriage doesn’t mean it’s over, it means it’s just beginning. If you’re in a rut, change it. Put on a pretty smile and remember what you loved about him before the cares of life hit. Then be that woman for him. If you haven’t done this in awhile he may look shocked, but I promise he’ll come around.

I know that women tend to balk at this type of post on the blog. “Why should I have to put on a pretty smile?” “Why should I have to be the one who tries?” “Why should I have to put on makeup for him?” “He’s gotten fat and lazy too.” To all of this my answer is, you didn’t win him by wearing sweats everyday, but you can lose each other with this type of thinking. If you don’t think he’s going anywhere look around at your countless friends whose marriages have broken over their lack of care. I’m tired of defending my position and don’t really feel led to say a whole lot more here today. Suffice it to say that when I take the time to be the wife my husband married, he smiles more, he compliments more, he helps me more, he’s more of a friend to me. He’ll actually stop his video game playing when I come home from bible study night and attentively listen to me. If this isn’t enough, then I don’t know what women want and that’s a whole other post.

Francis Chan’s Erasing Hell

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I have to admit when I heard that Francis Chan had written a book called Erasing Hell, I sucked in my breath. I mean the title is ambiguous and this book coming off the recent Rob Bell controversy, where he dismisses the Christian view of hell, was a little unsettling to say the least. I loved Forgotten God and wondered if Francis Chan would also drink the punch and attempt to erase hell? Say it ain’t so, I thought. So I bought the book and brought it home.

My husband, Doug and I sat down to read the book together over an afternoon. At first, Doug’s exasperated comment was, “What are we reading?” , in a tone that was displeased at my selection. Then we began to dive in. We read, keeping an open mind as was suggested in the book. We allowed questions that maybe we had squashed deep in our soul, to rise to the forefront of our mind. Granted, somehow it just seemed wrong to ever question why God chose to do things the way he does, but Chan’s transparency allowed us to at least form the question in a tangible way. Had the church today, pointing directly at ourselves, preached the palatable parts of the bible and neglected the very thing people really needed to hear?

Where Francis Chan hit a nerve with me was when he asked if the street corner preachers who are screaming about hell were actually doing more than I was? After all, I cringe when I see them and have said out loud that I think they do more harm than good to the faith. Yet, I couldn’t deny that what they were saying was true. Yikes, what an ugly feeling I had about my responsibility to humanity.

I loved that the book took the time to study out what Jesus said about hell, in the context of his Jewish faith and in the time he lived out his time on earth. I am a person who studies with an open concordance, dictionary, lexicons and commentaries so this appealed to me. Doug was eerily quiet through our reading. It wasn’t until the conclusion that we breathed a sigh of relief at the outcome of the study and then discussed where we felt we were at in the whole process.

We both concluded that this book deserves a read and a frank conversation. The bottom line is people are dying with a lot of different ideas which have no basis in fact and like it or not, we have a responsibility to at least take a chance and speak up.

Taking a ride on a train in Napa, we sat across from a woman who was wearing three necklaces. The first was a cross, the second was rabbit’s foot and the third was a buddha. Doug asked her what the significance of the necklaces were and she answered him sincerely, “I’m covering all my bases.” Admittedly that’s as far as the conversation went. The conversations of mercy and grace are easy, but it doesn’t negate the conversations about where people will spend eternity and that, my friends, is what we should be about. A million thanks to Francis Chan for boldly asking questions that demand soul searching answers.

Buy the book read it, if you’re like us, you’ll finish the entire thing in a few hours and search your heart. Where do you stand? What do you believe? It’s important to know.

How Do We Get Anything Done?

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Recently a religious woman in our town threw an accusation my way. “You know, she admits to listening to secular music.” Wow! I thought. That’s the worse thing I do? Well then, I must be in pretty good shape!

Where do we as Christians get the idea that everything is evil and nothing is good?

“No pants on women, it makes them look like men.” 

“Don’t say Oh My God! It’s taking the Lord’s Name in Vain.”

“No sleeveless blouses on women, armpits are evil.” 

okay I made up the armpits are evil but really what is the reason a woman can’t show her shoulders in public?

“No crosses whatsoever, they are demonic!”  

Okay but in movies they ward off vampires….just saying…..

“HIDE! On Halloween.”

Uh, because this is the only day the LORD didn’t make right? (Insert sarcastic snicker here)

“Dance at the altar before the Lord or you are not really worshiping.” 

“Don’t dance at the altar before the Lord. This is not a disco!”

“Contemporary music is just a fad, hymns will come back.”

“You can’t watch a rated R movie, but look the other way, and pass the cash over to your kids so they can go see it.”  

“No spaghetti straps on dresses.” 

This is especially true if you even remotely attractive.

“NO Jewelry!”

This is critical if you are someone in danger of making a golden calf.

Can you think of more?

Then let’s go to the other spectrum:

“We live together because if we got married, I’d lose my benefits. God sees my heart.”

“I taught Sunday School before. Let someone else have a turn.”

 This is usually followed by a rant about children today.

“I don’t report my tips to the IRS. They don’t need my money.”

“I work part-time because otherwise my ex would get her back child support.” 

Bible study? Girl, I’ve read the bible several times, what can you teach me?” 

It’s not gossip if it’s true. 

I’m just wondering at what point we stop fighting each other, live out what the word says, quit making excuses and speaking in half truths, which are lies we tell ourselves to make us feel good, and get on with the business at hand? What is the business at hand? To reach out to people who are hurting and show them a Jesus who loves them, not because they look right, act right or are right, but because he just does.

Christianity without discipleship is always Christianity without Christ. –Dietrich Bonhoeffer

How do we get anything done when we won’t stop living in religious fear and condemnation of one another. As I told the TLC women recently, “What makes you right?”

Something Beautiful

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My good friends and mentors in ministry, Bishop Gregory and Dr. Gayla Holley, recently had a horrible loss in their family. They put their precious little dog Missy, a yorkie terrier, outside in their yard and a turkey vulture took her. They were shocked and devastated at what had happened. When Gayla told me about it, I immediately had tears in my eyes and my hand went to my throat, as I could imagine the pain my friends are going through. Being a dog lover and knowing that dogs aren’t pets for long, they become a part of your family, I understood the grief they must be feeling.

They both felt badly about Missy. They shed some tears, they tried to figure out why this would happen. It was really a sad time. You see, Missy first belonged to a family who just didn’t have time for her. Her family knew they needed to find a good home for her and along came the Holleys. With them, Missy traveled the country in their RV, she slept in pajamas and got special treats. She watched the news on their laps. She got table scraps when her mom wasn’t looking. She even liked cuddling up in bed with them. She lived the life of luxury for a dog.

What happened next didn’t surprise me at all. They rescued another dog within a week. A Maltese who was in desperate need of a groomer. He is now living the life! Too soon you might say? Not when your life is about love.

See, there is an important lesson here about love and loss. In our grief we can decide to put up a wall and say to ourselves that we will never love again. We can decide that the loss is just too great and our hearts are much too broken to ever take another chance. We can live in the good ‘ol days when they were with us. In fact, the natural response to death is to nurse grief. To speak statements that shut love out.

It is a very powerful statement to remain open to love and shut out grief. Yes, grief is necessary and needed but love is even more so. In this case they determined that there were a lot of dogs that needed love more than they needed grief. Missy isn’t an afterthought. She is missed, she is loved still, and she isn’t replaced. This new life with a new dog will be a process just as anything in life is. No two dogs are the same. In fact, her memory is such a good one that they opened their lives up to even more love. That is a testimony to Missy’s life if ever there was one.

Sometimes in ministry you learn deep lessons not in what people say to you but in how their life is lived out before you.

Two Horses

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Two Horses—Author Unknown

Just up the road from my home is a field, with two horses in it.



From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse. But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing….

Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind.  His owner has chosen not to have him put down, but has made a good home for him.


This alone is amazing.

If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell. Looking around for the source of the sound, you will see that it comes from the smaller horse in the field. Attached to the horse’s halter is a small bell. It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.

As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse, and that the blind horse will listen for the bell and then slowly walk to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray.

When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.



Like the owners of these two horses, God does not throw us away just because we are not perfect or because we have problems or challenges.

He watches over us and even brings others into our lives to help us when we are in need.

Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell of those who God places in our lives.

Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way….

Good friends are like that…  You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.

Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours.


And remember…



Be kinder than necessary – – – Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.




Inviting The Pastor To Dinner

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Someone asked recently what the etiquette was for inviting the Pastor over for dinner. It’s the same as with anyone else. Some tips to remember:

  • Pastors are normal people so discuss normal things. Theological discussions aren’t off-limits nor are they they only thing a pastor can talk about.
  • Discussions about church are not off-limits but questions about other people are.
  • They don’t get many invitations. Mainly because people don’t know what to expect. So keep it real but respectful.
  • Don’t invite the Pastor over with a hidden agenda of counseling or complaints. Invite him over because you’d like to break bread with him and have a relaxing time.
  • Please feel free to pray for the meal. A Pastor is not put out if he gives the blessing or not.
  • Be authentic. The Pastor isn’t looking trying to make you feel uncomfortable.

Another Man’s Wife 2

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I wrote this post on the 18th. As I was writing I knew there had to be a part 2 because there’s always a flip side. The premise of the writing was a fantastic quote by a great man of God, BJ Robison, who pastored in El Sobrante, CA for many years and went on to heaven just a few short months ago, and the quote reads:

Watch the way a man treats another man’s wife and that will define his character.

Here’s the flip side.

  • The man who mows the soldier’s lawn when he’s deployed.
  • The man who doesn’t receive an accusation against another man’s wife.
  • The man who doesn’t overstep his boundaries in advice toward another man’s wife.
  • The man who encourages a husband to go home to his wife.
  • The man who inquires about another man’s wife and her well-being.
  • The man who will not speak against against another man’s wife.
  • The man who advises a young groom on his role as a husband.
  • The man who can advise another man’s wife on her action within boundaries.
  • The man who can send his wife, or trusted female friend, to help and mentor another man’s wife.
  • The man who does not try to fix another man’s wife.
Then there is the bride of Christ.
  • The man who understands his care for the bride while the groom is away.
  • The man who uses his talents to compliment her and not discourage her.
  • The man who sees a need a fills it without regard for credit.
  • The man who recognizes that she comes in all shapes and sizes.
  • The man who works tirelessly to retain her dignity.
  • The man who loves her despite herself.
  • The man who covers her in prayer.
  • The man who recognizes his place with her and knows he is not the groom but simply a friend of the groom.
  • The man who doesn’t exalt himself above her.
  • The man who loves her with the kindness of a friend.
  • The man who does not speak against her, even if…

Gift Registries

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Here’s a question I received from Frances:

Susan! I have a friend that is having a graduation party for receiving her Masters Degree and she has created a gift registry for herself for the occasion. I have my own opinions on this but would like to hear your thoughts! Also, as a note, she didn’t send the registry to all the invitees, only her close family and friends. Thanks!

Big Sigh! You kinda knew this was coming didn’t you? I mean, we start off early, you get paid to toss the trash because it’s your mom’s job and if she delegates it then it should cost her, you get paid for grades, you get paid for mowing the lawn and we parents do all this for you because you are entitled to get paid for your self-esteem. So what’s next on the list? You send out graduation announcements because you want the money people send, or you register for the gifts you want because after all you’ve been taught that you are entitled.

Only, what is a gift?

Gift ~ noun ~ something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.

When I give a gift, I think about that person. I try to be thoughtful in my gift giving. I try to find something that would be meaningful to that person. Buying off a list doesn’t appeal to me at all.

I think all these registries are over the top, and believe me, I’ve seen them for everything, even children’s parties. When you have a gift registry you are telling the person that you expect them to give you a gift, and you are telling them that not any gift will do, but that you want them to give you specific gifts of your choice. At that point the definition of gift ceases.

It could be worse though, she could have stated on her invitation that she didn’t want gifts only money, then your friendship would have been measured by your worth, and her basically telling you she doesn’t trust your judgment on gift giving. In any case, if you’re going to go on with your tacky self and do a registry, you never put the registry in with the invitation, and only pull it out if you are asked.

And this is why this generation is called the Entitled Generation or the Me Generation, and it’s not their fault. It’s ours, the parents of this generation who didn’t teach the same basic manners we were taught.