A Season Ahead

September 30, 2015 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Those of you who follow this blog must have thought I had fallen away during the move to our new home. It is almost complete. July and August just ran together and by September there was a little headway. I’ve missed writing, there are so many things swirling around in my brain that are wanting to come out but I will tackle it, as I have learned to tackle many things these days, in bite sized pieces.

As believers we’re called to mentor. That seems like a daunting task. You may ask yourself what do I know about mentoring or about anything in general? Well, although you might not be an expert on most things, the question to ask is:

Am I a season ahead?

In other words, do I have something to teach the person who is asking me? Am I a little bit ahead on this topic and could my knowledge benefit this person? Am I teachable? Do I have a mentor to go to if I get stuck? No one does mentorship alone. We all have those a season ahead to help us.

Most leaders don’t mind sharing what they know with you as long as you don’t abuse their time. True leaders are happy to meet with you and tell you what they know. What a leader won’t do is waste their time or allow their time to be abused.

If I want to know what a leader knows, I will invite them to lunch or ask for an appointment. I will go to them for advice and counsel on a topic then I’m going to begin to apply the knowledge they gave to my life to get ahead. If they give me a book to read, then I’m going to read it. If they give me counsel on an area of my life that I need to improve to get to that next level then I’m going to do it. Why would I do anything else?

It’s the same when you begin to mentor others. You mentor those who are following you. Many will come to you with pretty or flattering words and thank you but won’t move off of the couch to get ahead. Some will blame you when you didn’t pursue them only that isn’t mentoring, that’s parenting, or something like that. They failed to realize that many are leaning on you and that you don’t have time to chase someone down who says they want to be mentored. Teachers stand before a class of students and teach those who showed up.

Next make sure you study and make sure you are learning. Be patient. Not everyone who comes to you is ready to learn and it’s fine, just pray that they find that person who will be a blessing to them. Don’t beat your head on the wall over someone who isn’t ready.

Teach, with all of your heart. Teach them about love and the pursuit of this destiny that lasts eternally. Teach them practically and teach them well and teach them that we’re all just human and need grace. Mark them with the banner of Jesus and then go home knowing your job is done for the day and get out the bible and read it for yourself.

Plenty are the worries of the day but for you, you are a student and a teacher and you will be comforted. Do your best and then rest well in the knowledge that you helped those who wanted your help with your best effort and you have put your best effort forward to learn as much as you can.

I Heard You

June 25, 2015June 24, 2015 tlc4women1 Comment

Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”

My husband is a pastor. He has pastored in our city for just over 21 years. It’s a rarity these days as the average pastor stays at a church for 3-4 years and then moves on. One thing you can say about Doug Young is he is loyal and he isn’t a quitter and like most pastors he works a lot more hours than they pay him to.

I married him 13 years ago. Since then when people come to our home they often comment, “You have a beautiful home.” He smiles and says, “Thank you, it was my wife’s home before we got married.” That statement always made me feel a little sad. I wanted him to feel at home. I wanted him to feel as if it was his home. I knew he meant no slight or disrespect in the comment but I also knew he was talking through a megaphone if I would just stop and listen and not take the comment personally but truly hear his heart.

So in March I said, “Why don’t you check to see if you can get pre-approved for a loan and buy a house? Maybe it’s time for us to downsize and look for something that we can retire in.” He looked shocked. He wondered if he could do it.

When it all came together he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen him have and said, “You make my dreams come true.” Hmmm, while it would be easy to get a big fat head over it, if I listen closely it’s not what he meant. What he meant was, “I’ve always wanted to have a home and you heard me, and you supported me.”

I counsel a lot of couples and often the miscommunication doesn’t lie in what isn’t said. It lies in what isn’t understood as being said. Doug wasn’t saying he was uncomfortable in our home nor was he not taking ownership of our home. He was just stating his desire.

Ladies, what is your husband speaking over and over that you are disregarding? Is it that he is tired of working so much overtime and needs you to get a part-time job while the kids are at school? Is he saying he’d like a little more attention? Is he saying he’d appreciate a break from his mother-in-law and her commentary on what his home should be? Does he have a voice in your home or is he one of your children that you dress down at your whim? Is it that he’d like to get out of debt?

This isn’t a “you’re so great for listening post”, this is a “marriage is a work in trying to communicate and understand each other post”. My prayer is that you’ll go over some conversations that keep occurring in your marriage and that you’ll examine them and ask how you can be a helper in the situation because that is who we are as a wife and a partner and ultimately a friend.

Proverbs 14:1The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.

The Hireling and The Called

February 20, 2015February 20, 2015 tlc4women1 Comment

The Shepherd by Julien Dupre (1851-1910)

Sitting in the hot tub after a long day of ministry my husband and I were laughing and talking about a 4 year-old who was discussing the state of the world with me. Then it got quiet.

My husband quietly said, “You really shocked me a few days ago.”

Not knowing at all what he was referring to my mind began to think of what could be so shocking? I couldn’t put my finger on a single thing and yet I knew this statement was important as he’d been mulling it over, so I said, “What did I say that shocked you?”

“Well, when we began to budget for Project X you said we could take your salary and put it towards it and you didn’t hesitate.”

Trying to make this moment lighter, and being sarcastic by nature I replied, “Hey, there was a time when I had to pay to be in ministry, giving up a salary is a new level.”

We laughed and then it got quiet again and I felt I had to explain myself.

“Look, it’s not as self-sacrificing as you’re making it seem. I walk in the realm of big faith. I believe that God will take care of my needs and provide for them. I don’t doubt that for a minute. He has never let me down.”

My husband just smiled at me and said, “That’s why we’re here. We’re called. It’s not about what we can get, it’s about what we can give. Others might have given up if it was about a paycheck but because it’s a mission it becomes a lifestyle.”

John 10:12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. ESV

I thought on this conversation over the last couple of days. What makes one shift from the money aspect, which let’s face it, is a real issue and one that needs to be discussed, to the aspect of the calling? The calling is a place where you could take your education and experience and turn it into a money making proposition and sell it to the highest bidder only you wouldn’t be comfortable with yourself. It wouldn’t sit right. You’d feel a missed opportunity, you’d long for the day when you’d be called back to the ministry. Honestly, there is that space between God and reality where the bills come in and the hesitation starts. Only for me, and I don’t profess to know what it is for others, the faith that while I may not have it all, I have all I need, is the sustaining force that keeps me steady when the waves of doubt come crashing in. When the promise of being all in when the stress of ministry and the expectations of what we are called to do are overwhelming, I stop and tell myself that I promised, and more importantly, I trust my Lord.

I pray that wherever you are sitting and reading this post right now, that you are sitting under a pastor who is called and not a hireling. You will know the difference when life hits. I pray that pastors who are truly called never give up.

The Benefits Of A Manual

February 17, 2015February 16, 2015 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Let me preface this by saying my car will be five years old this June. Let me also say that I read the manual of a new car for the basics. What all the lights mean on the dash, how to configure the stereo and lights on the interior and exterior, the basic everyday stuff.

Last week I somehow pressed a button which linked my climate control throughout the car. I didn’t want this as when my husband is driving he likes it a lot cooler than I do and I didn’t want to freeze. So I spent some time in the car pressing buttons trying to figure this thing out. I mean how hard could it be? I had pressed something to link it, surely I could press the same something to unlink it. Not being a very patient person and trying all that I knew how to get it work my way, I pulled out the owner’s manual and flipped immediately to the index under C for climate.

There was a whole section dedicated to climate. I began to read that pressing the configure button and scrolling down to climate I could program my car to detect air quality. I immediately changed it over to extra-sensitive as I have asthma. I could also program the seats and steering wheel to heat up on the auto start for my key and program it differently for my husband’s key and in the summer change it to cool. I was really liking the features this car had! It allowed me by pressing one button to have the car keep a constant temperature so that I didn’t have to adjust the heat or air and it did it automatically.

Five years into having this car and I have been breathing normal quality air and adjusting temperatures as I go when it could have been doing the work for me. Imagine that!

It’s the same with us. When we read the bible and discover through prayer all of the features we’ve been given we have to wonder why we’ve been trying to adjust the climate of our lives manually when we could have set everything to automatic. I wonder how much time we’ve wasted trying to figure things out when the instructions were there to be read? I wonder how many times we have looked at the book for the basics but never dug deep for the comfort features?

What if while you’re driving your life forward, you don’t have to take your hands off of the wheel and adjust anything because everything you’ve needed is right there and ready to work? All you had to do is be aware of the features and benefits of the vehicle. Today I challenge you to read your owner’s manual and discover the benefits of everything that life holds for you.

Flesh Eaters

January 7, 2015January 7, 2015 tlc4womenLeave a comment

picture from http://www.alphacoders.com

There is the word Gheebah in the Muslim faith that means backbiter but even more so they translate it flesh eater. There is an interesting teaching on it that was shared with me and I’d like to share it with you.

“If what you say is true about your brother then you have backbitten him. If what you say is not true about your brother than you have slandered him.”

Have you ever thought about the word backbiter? It describes someone who eats the flesh of a friend or family member. Muslim or Christian I doubt it’s worthy of our faith. In reading books on psychology, backbiting is said to be a trait of young people, only I disagree. I know women who are in their 30’s who are professional flesh eaters. The bible says backbiters soothe their own appetite. Flesh eaters. What a horrible description of a person of faith. It actually made me shudder.

Galatians 5:15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Is eating live flesh something you’d like to be a part of? You can’t stop the flesh eater’s insatiable appetite but you can stop them from eating others in your presence by not participating in the flesh eating frenzy. The bible says when we have an issue with someone there is a way to handle it. It’s taught in Matthew 18. If the flesh eater continues to devour then ask yourself if the person is a believer? Even the devil knows the word of God.

Romans 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

What causes a person to continually backbite? Honestly, they are bored people who have nothing else to do. They look for things to be critical of and people whom they are jealous of to tear apart. Think about the picture of a person who bites someone in the back. They are biting the back of a person. They are behind that person, not in their own lane guided by the Holy Spirit, handling their own business. These are hopefully not the people we wish to be nor is it the people who we call friends because can I be honest with you? It’s all fine until they begin to eat you alive.

Envy

November 17, 2014November 16, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Proverbs 14:30 A sound heart is life to the body, But envy is rottenness to the bones. NKJ

Envy is, “I must be like you to be happy.”

People pleasing is, “I must be liked by you to be happy.”

Neither of these scenarios is appealing and yet we all look like both of these statements at one time or another. This week’s news was all about Kim Kardashian’s nude photos and whether they were photoshopped or real? Whether it was the right move for her career or not, but as my Daughter-In-Love Frances said, “I refuse to read anything about it, we landed on a comet this week! That’s news.”

I get to the office at 10 am the two days a week I spend there. One day this week I didn’t come in until 11 am. I was driving in when I received a phone call, hands free I answered the phone, my mom reads my blog so I thought I’d clarify the hands free part. The caller asked if I was at the office. I said I was just driving in. “Boy! It must be nice to be a Pastor and make your own hours. I wish I could just waltz in whenever I wanted. Some of us have to work.” I didn’t say anything. I’ve taken the Taylor Swift approach to my life, “Shake it off, shake it off”.

Here is what they don’t know. The night before I counseled a person until after midnight who was in a crisis. It may not be my life, but it certainly feels personal when you’re agonizing over someone’s pain, praying for God to give you words that help and heal and that you don’t just stammer along. After I got to bed, I tossed and turned for quite some time, shaking it off, before I was able to fall asleep.

And that’s kind of the point. We often envy what we don’t know anything about.

On the flip-side I watched a funny video recently about a woman who could not say no. She was bleary-eyed from exhaustion and still saying yes to everyone. Everyone that is except herself. When did we begin to measure ourselves by the opinion of others? When did it get so important to be liked not for our imperfect selves but what we bring to the table?

I tend to bite off more than I can chew. Just because I like Wonder Woman and wanted to grow to be her, doesn’t make it so, but sometimes I get mixed up. Sometimes I become a people pleaser. Something in me is causing me to reflect on envy and people pleasing and their correlation. They aren’t the same that’s true, but they are similar in nature because both have replaced my purpose with whomever is the focus in the scenario. I may not have what you have but if I can please you I can get close to what you have. I may not have what you have but if I can be better at tasks than you then I’ve one-upped you. Do you see the similarities? Both emotions want to take me off course from my business and make my life about you.

Just thinking aloud today.

The Pastor’s Wife

November 10, 2014November 10, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

When you hear the words, The Pastor’s Wife, what does she conjure up for you mentally? For so many she is the object of perfection in the church. She has it all together, her children are perfect, her responses are wonderful, and her life is one to be admired and emulated. For others of you, she is a working woman, playing the piano, leading the women’s group, feeding the homeless, and running the children’s ministry seamlessly. Yet for others, she is the epitome of judgment. She glances at you head to toe and makes a sad determination. Sadly, you’d be right with all three versions because she exists in all of these forms.

Back in the day there was the thought process that the Pastor’s Wife was to be set apart. She was not to mingle with the commoners of the church and she was to be held in high regard. Only that doesn’t really fly in the face of scripture does it? Jesus says he is gentle and lowly in heart. Jesus says he is set apart by believing and obeying his Father. It wasn’t about being set apart from the people, it was about being among the people and being set apart in action.

The question that has been stirring in my heart as I see this attitude is what false hope it gives to women in the body. To think that any life is really that perfect and the average woman cannot attain it because it’s for an elite group is just not realistic. There are no scriptures to back this thought process up. There is no elite group of Navy Seal Christian Woman. There are women who achieve great things and who have applied godly principles of life to their everyday walk but no one’s life is pure perfection. There are Pastors Wives who silently suffer, and because they are supposed to have this perfect image, they can speak to absolutely no one about it. So they put their makeup on and hide behind a smile and because no one really looks at each other anymore they are able to pose.

The problem with that is that we are called to mentor and to love and to help. We can’t ever say we have a problem because then we have this perception that no one will think we are as perfect as we pretend to be and therefore leave the church. So we lift up this unattainable goal to woman in the church that they too can be a perfect woman in Christ and she flounders because she never can quite get there. She feels inadequate and that’s good for us because it makes us feel more powerful.

I will never forget a story I heard Ruth Graham tell. She was Billy Graham’s wife who has now gone on to be with Jesus. Because her husband was often traveling she raised her children primarily alone. She said her son Franklin Graham, who is now an evangelist himself, gave her fits on a regular basis. One day while out and about he was acting out so much that she threatened to put him in the trunk of the car if he continued his behavior. Of course Franklin continued and she pulled the car over and stuck him in the trunk and drove on. Yes, she admits not a crowning moment for her but instead a desperate mom moment. While none of us would advocate putting your kid in a trunk, we relate to the feeling.

I have learned a few things in my life as a Pastor’s wife over the years. I know that life happens to the Pastor’s Wife. She gets flat tires on the way to a meeting. She has bad hair days. She has arguments with her husband sometimes. She yells at her kids. She sometimes skips her devotional time in the morning. She blows it at work. She gets mad at people who cut her off in traffic. She has issues. Her life is just as full and as busy as the next woman. She has flaws and temptations and everything else going on in her life. She isn’t married to a calling or a church. She is married to a man and she has been called, just as any wife, to minister to her family and then the church. So pray for your Pastor’s Wife because she’s as human as every other woman but sometimes she can’t say it.

Genuine Kindness

August 26, 2014August 26, 2014 tlc4women1 Comment

Proverbs 17:17 – A friend loves at all times.

Something happened at TLC last week that just made me smile!

I preached a message on purses. I talked about the stuff we carry in our purses, what is necessary and what isn’t. I grabbed the purses in my closet and went to church and set them up. There were 8 of them. Four of them are going to be cleaned up to donate to the RMA thrift store and four of them I keep for sentimental value. A purse that my husband bought me on our first Christmas, one which was handmade in Africa, one that is from the 40’s that I use for decorative purposes, and one which was a splurge.

One of the women of TLC asked, “Susan are those all your purses?”

I said yes and then held my breath……..

I love clothes and shoes and purses and as a woman in ministry it is often a place of criticism. I had a Pastor’s wife come up to me once and say, “Just how many pairs of boots does one woman need? Don’t you know there are people who have no shoes?” I do in fact know that, and I do in fact, give to many missions projects but this type of judgment happens all of the time, not just to me, I’m not special. I once heard a person say, Bill Gates wasn’t being generous when he gave a gift of $100,000.00 to a project. They said, “$100,000 is like me giving $10. Bill Gates could afford to give more. Only, to me, $100,000 is not like $10, it’s like $100,000. Bill Gates could have given nothing at all.

So why did I hold my breath?

The comments. The people who are ready to pounce with condemnation. I held my breath because even though I work through the comment, it still makes me sad that I live in a space where it even matters. I realize that the comments are not my problem.

The response surprised me.

“Susan, we need to trade purses sometime. You have some I like.”

YAY! There was no negative comment or judgment. I loved it. It made me happy.

I went home and told my husband.

I told a few close friends this past week, each time with a smile on my face.

So I asked her which of the purses she liked the most? She liked an animal print one I had. You know something? I was going to give her whichever one she chose, sentimental one or not. Someone who was genuinely happy. I shared it at TLC last night and there were lots of smiles! It felt good not to be on the hot seat. It felt really, really good!

God is working on me. I pray he is working on you as well this week. May you experience little moments of happiness as you cross hurdles into your most excellent future.

Dead or Alive?

August 25, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Luke 24: 1 Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. 2 But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb. 3 Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. 4 And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. 5 Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead?

I woke up with the sentence in my head :

Why do you seek the living among the dead?

Why do we seek the approval of man instead of Jesus?

Why do we uplift others opinions as fact rather than the words that Jesus spoke over us?

Why do we find our identity in who are friends are?

Why do we seek to glorify ourselves?

Why do we offer up our bodies as sacrifice to artificial love?

Why do we care more about people on Facebook than God?

Why do we care so much about our filtered image on Instagram when this flesh is just a tent?

Why do we speak death instead of life?

Why do we yoke up with worry?

Why do we yoke up with disdain?

Why do we yoke up with gossip?

Why don’t we pray when things are good?

Why don’t we care more?

Why do we not know what is going on in the world?

Why are we not concerned with the political arena?

Why do we dismiss dominion and embrace bondage?

Why do we dismiss self control and embrace victimization?

Why do we make excuses to continue to move, and breathe, and have our being in dead carcasses and not live in a breathing, moving Holy Spirit?

Why not look again into a mirror and see the reflection that can bring us a life worth living eternally?

Why do we continue to seek the living among the dead?

When Does It Become A Disservice?

August 15, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

I read this today and thought about how hard this decision is to make. On the one hand, you want to help those in need. On the other hand, when it becomes a perpetual thing you tend to get resentful. I think there are some clear cut boundaries that need to be set in place. I also know that these types of posts make people angry and so it won’t be popular. You see, most people think you need to be generous with your money, but they should get to spend theirs any way they choose. It’s human nature. I get it.

So when is it mismanaging your money to loan money to misbehavior?

When you begin to enable the person to live frivolously.

I remember a story of a brother who made two to three times as much as his brother. The brother who made more didn’t control his spending and when it came time to pay for rent, he would hit the modest means brother up for cash. It made the modest means brother feel puffed up that yes, yes, despite his brother’s success, he was still more successful.

How does the loaning of money to a person who mismanages make you feel? If you’re honest and generous by nature, you feel pretty good. There’s a measure of satisfaction in it. They need your help and you’re in a position to help. There is a danger in these feelings in that you become their source. They no longer look to God for provision they look to you. You begin to build an idol of yourself.

What happens when it’s month after month? A feeling of resentfulness creeps in. You begin to count their money as if it is yours. You begin to judge their spending habits. It also begins to form a wedge in your relationship because both of you begin to feel awkward.

Proverbs 22:7 says

the borrower is servant to the lender.

The lender begins to demand repayment, or secretly seethes, and the borrower doesn’t like the pressure and begins to withdraw. It makes the borrower look ungrateful and dodgy and it furthers the wedge. This is where offense so easily comes in and before you know it, people are not speaking, judging is taking place, and teams are being set up depending on whose story is going to be believed. It becomes a mess.

So what boundaries need to be put in place?

1. Don’t lend money if you can’t afford to lose it. If you can’t be at peace with giving it and never seeing it again, then don’t loan it. There is a chance that the borrower may not pay it back.

2. It’s okay to say no. If you don’t feel right about loaning it then don’t. Don’t however, be a miser. Generosity is a privilege and you should do what you can. This is heart check time. Examine why you don’t want to lend it.

3. It’s okay to go buy groceries for a person rather than give them money if you are unclear how it’s going to be spent.

4. Watch patterns and behaviors. Sometimes a person is going to need to take on extra hours at work or a second job for a season to make ends meet. If they are unwilling then you need to think about your role. Conversely, if they have learned to depend on overtime, they need to cut back their spending. Overtime is not salary. It’s extra. It should be saved actually but that’s another post.

5. If they are wasteful spenders be careful. This doesn’t have to be lavish but what if they don’t have money for food and gas but when they received a few hundred dollars extra they went and got a gym membership rather than catch up? Don’t fault them for buying essentials. If they received a few hundred dollars and bought shoes and clothes for their kids, I don’t in any way consider this wasteful. If they caught up on bills, or made an extra payment on a bill I don’t consider that wasteful. Be careful how you are judging.

6. If they are consistently borrowing, get them in front of a financial planner. Sometimes, the best money you can help with is some professional help. If they refuse then so do you refuse to be part of their mismanagement.

7. If they don’t know where their money is going, they won’t know where yours is going either. Every dollar should have a name. If they are people who live broke then that is their lifestyle, be aware of that going in.

Disservice by definition is a harmful action. Use wisdom. Some people get used to being rescued and it becomes an expectation.