Genesis 2:18 And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
My husband is a pastor. He has pastored in our city for just over 21 years. It’s a rarity these days as the average pastor stays at a church for 3-4 years and then moves on. One thing you can say about Doug Young is he is loyal and he isn’t a quitter and like most pastors he works a lot more hours than they pay him to.
I married him 13 years ago. Since then when people come to our home they often comment, “You have a beautiful home.” He smiles and says, “Thank you, it was my wife’s home before we got married.” That statement always made me feel a little sad. I wanted him to feel at home. I wanted him to feel as if it was his home. I knew he meant no slight or disrespect in the comment but I also knew he was talking through a megaphone if I would just stop and listen and not take the comment personally but truly hear his heart.
So in March I said, “Why don’t you check to see if you can get pre-approved for a loan and buy a house? Maybe it’s time for us to downsize and look for something that we can retire in.” He looked shocked. He wondered if he could do it.
When it all came together he smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen him have and said, “You make my dreams come true.” Hmmm, while it would be easy to get a big fat head over it, if I listen closely it’s not what he meant. What he meant was, “I’ve always wanted to have a home and you heard me, and you supported me.”
I counsel a lot of couples and often the miscommunication doesn’t lie in what isn’t said. It lies in what isn’t understood as being said. Doug wasn’t saying he was uncomfortable in our home nor was he not taking ownership of our home. He was just stating his desire.
Ladies, what is your husband speaking over and over that you are disregarding? Is it that he is tired of working so much overtime and needs you to get a part-time job while the kids are at school? Is he saying he’d like a little more attention? Is he saying he’d appreciate a break from his mother-in-law and her commentary on what his home should be? Does he have a voice in your home or is he one of your children that you dress down at your whim? Is it that he’d like to get out of debt?
This isn’t a “you’re so great for listening post”, this is a “marriage is a work in trying to communicate and understand each other post”. My prayer is that you’ll go over some conversations that keep occurring in your marriage and that you’ll examine them and ask how you can be a helper in the situation because that is who we are as a wife and a partner and ultimately a friend.
Proverbs 14:1The wisest of women builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down.