It Feels Personal

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I posted this on my Facebook page and received many comments and likes but I also received quite a few private messages with stories from women who were trying to learn not to take things personally. This was coming on the heels of the  Kelly Clarkson body-shaming tweets so I thought I’d respond with what I’ve learned.

First off, there are mean people out there. They have no filter. They mask it under the, “I just say what I think you know? I’m just being honest.”, only their honesty is aimed as the knife that stabs you to your core, and remember this, their honesty only pertains to the output not the input. In other words speak the truth to them and it’s WAR. Not everything needs to be said but so often we think what we have to say is important, because it is important to us. No one is exempt from this not even me, hence this post.

Compound that with the phenomenon of social media where because we can’t see the hurt look on someone’s face it is easy to blast people. These are your typical pounce and flounce people at a new level. I have a friend who seldom replies to online posts because she says the attacks begin immediately and sadly she is right.

So how do we not take things personally when they seem so personal? My husband taught me a great trick I’m going to pass on to you. He said,

“If they have nothing nice to say about anyone, and they talk about everyone then it isn’t personal. If they don’t say nice things about even those they love then they aren’t going to say nice things about you. It isn’t personal, it’s just how they are.” 

“If they don’t have problems with others but they have problems only with you, then it’s personal to them not to you. They have things that need to be worked out and they need to grow up and come to you about the issue.”

Listen, you’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea. Friendships happen with like-minded people. Leave it at that. I often hear people say, and I’ve said it myself,  the solution is to go and confront the person but the problem with that is that those who talk behind your back never say it to your face so oftentimes my experience has been that  I’ve gone to the person and asked if there is an offense because I’ve heard such and such from so and so, I get the standard answer of nothing is wrong it was a misunderstanding, and more often than not, the pattern continues.

So here is a pattern that I chose to live my life by, and so far it’s working, so let me post it and hopefully help you.

I no longer take it personally. The comments, the blasts, the opinions, come from people who don’t know me. It’s okay. Those comments and opinions don’t pay my bills nor do they pour my cup of coffee in the morning. I have a choice to snuggle with those opinions in bed at night or kick them to curb. I choose to boot them out of my life. I hope you’ll try it because you’ll find your life is a lot less messy.

The Hireling and The Called

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The Shepherd by Julien Dupre (1851-1910)
The Shepherd by Julien Dupre (1851-1910)

Sitting in the hot tub after a long day of ministry my husband and I were laughing and talking about a 4 year-old who was discussing the state of the world with me. Then it got quiet.

My husband quietly said, “You really shocked me a few days ago.”

Not knowing at all what he was referring to my mind began to think of what could be so shocking? I couldn’t put my finger on a single thing and yet I knew this statement was important as he’d been mulling it over, so I said, “What did I say that shocked you?”

“Well, when we began to budget for Project X you said we could take your salary and put it towards it and you didn’t hesitate.”

Trying to make this moment lighter, and being sarcastic by nature I replied, “Hey, there was a time when I had to pay to be in ministry, giving up a salary is a new level.”

We laughed and then it got quiet again and I felt I had to explain myself.

“Look, it’s not as self-sacrificing as you’re making it seem. I walk in the realm of big faith. I believe that God will take care of my needs and provide for them. I don’t doubt that for a minute. He has never let me down.”

My husband just smiled at me and said, “That’s why we’re here. We’re called. It’s not about what we can get, it’s about what we can give. Others might have given up if it was about a paycheck but because it’s a mission it becomes a lifestyle.”

John 10:12 He who is a hired hand and not a shepherd, who does not own the sheep, sees the wolf coming and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them. ESV

I thought on this conversation over the last couple of days. What makes one shift from the money aspect, which let’s face it, is a real issue and one that needs to be discussed, to the aspect of the calling? The calling is a place where you could take your education and experience and turn it into a money making proposition and sell it to the highest bidder only you wouldn’t be comfortable with yourself. It wouldn’t sit right. You’d feel a missed opportunity, you’d long for the day when you’d be called back to the ministry. Honestly, there is that space between God and reality where the bills come in and the hesitation starts. Only for me, and I don’t profess to know what it is for others, the faith that while I may not have it all, I have all I need, is the sustaining force that keeps me steady when the waves of doubt come crashing in. When the promise of being all in when the stress of ministry and the expectations of what we are called to do are overwhelming, I stop and tell myself that I promised, and more importantly, I trust my Lord.

I pray that wherever you are sitting and reading this post right now, that you are sitting under a pastor who is called and not a hireling. You will know the difference when life hits. I pray that pastors who are truly called never give up.

 

The Benefits Of A Manual

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Let me preface this by saying my car will be five years old this June. Let me also say that I read the manual of a new car for the basics. What all the lights mean on the dash, how to configure the stereo and lights on the interior and exterior, the basic everyday stuff.

Last week I somehow pressed a button which linked my climate control throughout the car. I didn’t want this as when my husband is driving he likes it a lot cooler than I do and I didn’t want to freeze. So I spent some time in the car pressing buttons trying to figure this thing out. I mean how hard could it be? I had pressed something to link it, surely I could press the same something to unlink it. Not being a very patient person and trying all that I knew how to get it work my way, I pulled out the owner’s manual and flipped immediately to the index under C for climate.

There was a whole section dedicated to climate. I began to read that pressing the configure button and scrolling down to climate I could program my car to detect air quality. I immediately changed it over to extra-sensitive as I have asthma. I could also program the seats and steering wheel to heat up on the auto start for my key and program it differently for my husband’s key and in the summer change it to cool. I was really liking the features this car had! It allowed me by pressing one button to have the car keep a constant temperature so that I didn’t have to adjust the heat or air and it did it automatically.

Five years into having this car and I have been breathing normal quality air and adjusting temperatures as I go when it could have been doing the work for me. Imagine that!

It’s the same with us. When we read the bible and discover through prayer all of the features we’ve been given we have to wonder why we’ve been trying to adjust the climate of our lives manually when we could have set everything to automatic. I wonder how much time we’ve wasted trying to figure things out when the instructions were there to be read? I wonder how many times we have looked at the book for the basics but never dug deep for the comfort features?

What if while you’re driving your life forward, you don’t have to take your hands off of the wheel and adjust anything because everything you’ve needed is right there and ready to work? All you had to do is be aware of the features and benefits of the vehicle. Today I challenge you to read your owner’s manual and discover the benefits of everything that life holds for you.

 

Fasting and Fun

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baloo

Fasting and fun sort of don’t go together except they do when it works. We’re coming to an end of our 21 days of fasting and this time our church let us decide what we’d be fasting. I chose to fast Social Media, Sugar, and Shopping. Honestly, I thought shopping would be the hardest. It wasn’t. I thought of myself as a shopper but my husband kept saying I was a selective shopper meaning I’d go in spurts where I’d want to go shopping then I’d get it out of my system and not shop at all for long periods of time. I guess so. I didn’t miss it except once when I wanted a new eye shadow but I abstained and it didn’t even matter.

I had a much harder time with sugar. Sugar has me. I am not even going to lie, I miss it still. Everyone says you lose your taste for it. I can’t say it’s so for me. I dreamed of going to the Mexican bakery and buying a star cookie, which is a cinnamon sugar concoction, to go with my coffee. I can taste it as I write. One day I was so on edge I was trying to justify how if I just did shopping and social media it would be more than most people did. I’m glad I let that thought go and stayed in my own lane minding my own business, keeping my word, and doing what I know to do. But it was close. Temptation is such a slippery slope, take one lazy side step and you’re there.

Social Media, now here’s a kicker, not reading FB was like a vacation. I didn’t read all the negative stuff. I know I will definitely limit my time on FB from now on. It was refreshing.

When you fast and pray to set the oppressed free the devil gets really mad. So anything that could go wrong did. I caught a cold that turned into a sinus infection and has lasted three weeks. Some unresolved issues began to blow up with serious attitude, but here’s the kicker; Doug and I remained firm, praying, and together. The power of prayer and unity kept us tight, in love and in each other’s corner, and advancing the Kingdom. We saw people receive salvation, we saw people set free, we saw people prosper, and all it cost me was sugar, shopping, and social media. Not a bad trade off.

And as far as the Fresh Eyes post, and taking a new look around my life, here is what I see:

We ended our bible study on James and I do really love the book of James now and I miss it. We started a new bible study on Prayer last week. It’s so necessary in the church.

We hosted a luncheon for pastors from 5 different churches. It is possible to fix a feast, enjoy a meal, and not indulge in the forbidden parts of the meal during a fast. I didn’t feel like Esther or anything but I didn’t have to announce it either. No one paid attention. We just had fun with friends.

We spent a sick day at home wrapped in blankets and watching season 5 of Downton Abbey. Life wasn’t any less complicated in the 1920’s.

 

 

Help Unwanted

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In the final lesson of Beth Moore’s Mercy Triumphs bible study, she made a powerful point about boundaries. She said we needed to be careful not to put the word boundaries in places where we don’t want to be bothered. We are to care for each other. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the gist of it. She then came up with four boundaries that she felt were biblical and this one hit me:

“When your help isn’t helping.” 

It’s always so interesting how we sometimes think we are the saviors of the world, or at least our loved ones. We don’t necessarily hold that place in their life though do we? And we shouldn’t really but so often we end up feeling that they aren’t listening or that we are banging our heads against the wall but what if……..

What if………

What if your help is unwanted? I almost want to whisper this.

What if your help is unwanted?

What if the person prefers to be in the position you’d prefer her not to be? What if she just comes to vent but won’t change. What then?

Could we be alright with that? Could we just back off and move on? Could we quit being the place where the dumping takes place? Could we consider it not as rejection of our ever-so-wise advice but as a decision one chooses to make and then let that be just fine with us? No, not in a sarcastic, “Well that just fine with me”, attitude, but an “It’s really alright to not want my help”, attitude.

First there is an agreement here that needs to be taken. While it’s fine not to take the advice, it’s also fine to stop listening to the complaint. That’s the boundary.

When your help isn’t helping.

When your advice isn’t being taken.

When the situation doesn’t change.

When the words you say are twisted to create a drama.

When the person turns their anger towards you.

Can we be at peace to walk away and leave it alone?

 

Holding Aces

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There’s a marked difference between acquaintances and friends. Most people really don’t become friends. They become deep and serious acquaintances. But in a friendship you get to know the spirit of another person; and your values coincide. Friends may disagree, but not about serious matters. A friend will stand for you when you are no longer able. A woman can say to herself, If I die, I know that my friend, my sister friend will be here to hold up the banner. Now that’s very profound. ~ Dr. Maya Angelou in an article written by By Marcia Ann Gillespie for Essence magazine. 

I think we get confused between our true friendships and acquaintances. My friend Cynthia sent me the picture that is posted above. No words just the picture. My immediate thought was, “Is she bragging that she is having a cup of hot chocolate and whipped cream? And why doesn’t that cup have enough whipped cream on it? I know we both love it.” It took me back 20, uh 25, uh almost 30 years ago as young women when we’d sit together drink chocolate with the can of whipped cream between us. There was never enough whipped cream in our cups and towards the end of our cup, our chocolate would be lukewarm. Cynthia is one of my Aces. She holds a place in my heart like none other. We’ve been friends for over 30 years. That’s speaks of storms and sunshine we’ve weathered together. Even though we don’t call each other often we both pick up exactly where we leave off each time. We know if there is something needed we have each other’s back.

I hold a few more Aces, I’d dare say more than one woman deserves. But the heart of this post is using your words carefully. Are you friends with someone, because that takes time and vulnerability, or are you acquaintances, which is friendly and kind and often strong? You can develop very strong acquaintances, but friends are different. You can develop very strong mentorship relationships, but friends are different. You can develop very strong maternal friendships, but friends are different.

We tend to be very casual about the word friend. We call someone a true friend, then drift away and  meet another true friend. That’s the difference. A true friend doesn’t leave. A true friend believes the same thing you do. A true friend loves you enough not to betray you or mistake the trust you’ve given her. Ever. A true friend tells you the truth even when you don’t want to hear it.

The person that goes it alone is worrisome to me. She has never given herself permission to be free she has too much at stake. She mistrusts others intentions or finds it too risky to love. She sees friendship as risky or there has to be something in it for her. That’s a hard way to live.

Fresh Eyes

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As we put away all of the Christmas decorations and hauled the tree out to the old faithful Dodge Ram I am closing out a old year and ringing in a new one. What will this year have for us? 2014 was pretty good to us. I am expecting 2015 to be even better. I have a few secret desires in my heart for this year but not ones I am willing to share just yet. I hope it’s the same for you.

I am preparing the house for a pastoral luncheon this weekend. Pastors from several churches in our city will meet to celebrate the New Year, pray for one another, and enjoy my husband’s BBQ brisket. It’s always a great time of fellowship and friendship and when we are all together I always take a moment to take a step back and view the body of Christ as it was intended to be. Isn’t it wonderful when we can break bread together knowing that each have a differing view on the method but not the intention? While some of us may speak in tongues and others not we still love Jesus and food! This year will be more about hospitality than perfection.

This year, I plan to do a lot more of that looking at life with fresh eyes business. Rather than nose to the grindstone living I am going to be intentionally taking a step back to take it all in before I miss another moment.  This year I am going to continually remind myself of things that were missed while I was plowing and be more intentional about breaks.

I’m turning 50 this year. I have lived a very blessed life, even in the hardest times, I learned forever lessons that will hold me until the end of my life here on earth and I think I have a genuine gratitude for my life. I have made real friendships, lasting loves, beautiful children, and memories that make me smile. I am married to the most amazing man ever too so that is icing! Somehow though, day to day stuff tries to come in and taints the happiness I have found.

So what does this year hold for you? I pray it’s filled with plenty of good things. I hope that life keeps you busy in serving others and not just yourself. I hope that life brings to you fresh eyes in which to see the beauty of the holiness of a life well lived and not squandered on the minutia that fills a brain and does nothing to fill a heart.

This year I plan to learn from Lulu The Wonder Dog who plays for awhile, takes deep naps, comes and demands attention when needed, is pleased to see everyone anytime, enjoys her food, and takes deep naps, wags her tail vigorously to show her approval, puts her ears down at the things she hates but moves towards it anyhow, takes deep naps, long walks, romps with her friends, never worries about her weight, or whether she took a bath today or not, sighs deeply, shares always, and loves wholeheartedly. I think she has in her seven short years of life learned what it took me 49 years to learn. So maybe this post should be titled, I’m not smarter than my dog.

Flesh Eaters

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picture from http://www.alphacoders.com

There is the word Gheebah in the Muslim faith that means backbiter but even more so they translate it flesh eater. There is an interesting teaching on it that was shared with me and I’d like to share it with you.

“If what you say is true about your brother then you have backbitten him. If what you say is not true about your brother than you have slandered him.”

Have you ever thought about the word backbiter? It describes someone who eats the flesh of a friend or family member. Muslim or Christian I doubt it’s worthy of our faith. In reading books on psychology, backbiting is said to be a trait of young people, only I disagree. I know women who are in their 30’s who are professional flesh eaters. The bible says backbiters soothe their own appetite. Flesh eaters. What a horrible description of a person of faith. It actually made me shudder.

Galatians 5:15 If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.

Is eating live flesh something you’d like to be a part of? You can’t stop the flesh eater’s insatiable appetite but you can stop them from eating others in your presence by not participating in the flesh eating frenzy. The bible says when we have an issue with someone there is a way to handle it. It’s taught in Matthew 18. If the flesh eater continues to devour then ask yourself if the person is a believer? Even the devil knows the word of God.

Romans 16:17-18 I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

What causes a person to continually backbite? Honestly, they are bored people who have nothing else to do. They look for things to be critical of and people whom they are jealous of to tear apart. Think about the picture of a person who bites someone in the back. They are biting the back of a person. They are behind that person, not in their own lane guided by the Holy Spirit, handling their own business. These are hopefully not the people we wish to be nor is it the people who we call friends because can I be honest with you? It’s all fine until they begin to eat you alive.

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Before You Judge It Fake

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There is this backlash to social media. The naysayers think no one’s life is perfect and therefore the things people post are fake. This is the problem with judging isn’t it? You don’t know motive until you step in the shoes of God and I don’t know about anyone else but I don’t need that stress.

What if the poster decides not to focus on their problem and instead to focus on their blessing? Is that okay? We all know no one’s life is perfect but if they have chosen to be happy no matter what then why is that bad? Why does that goof us up?

“Well we all know what’s going on in her life.”

Yes, and now we’ve resorted to judging.

Let’s stay in our lane and live our own lives. Maybe the poster has a parent with cancer and maybe her car broke down today but someone at work told her there was a sale on shoes. Instead of throwing up a woe is me post,  she bought a pair of shoes and decided to walk home in them, making the best of a worst situation, and then she threw up a post about that. Can we just be happy for her? In the midst of the chaos, she found something positive. I can totally cheer that on. I wish I had the ability to be positive in the midst of chaos. I don’t without careful thought so that is something I admire. Can I please have some of what she is having? Instead of calling something fake that we know nothing about, let’s be happy that each of our friends can etch out a little happiness. I think that makes us better friends.

Ask yourself this simple question; does the negative post make you happy? If the answer is yes then you’re not a real friend. Does the bullying post make you happy? You know the ones, “Sad. You know who you are. You’re a fake friend.” I heard those posts are called Vaguebook posts. Then you’re a drama friend because now there is something to get worked up over. Hopefully, you enjoy the happy posts, the funny posts, the frank posts, and you’re not deciding for anyone else what is fake and what is real because honestly, that is what makes you a wonderful friend. That you can take the good with the bad and still be love. True friends do that, they see the good, the bad, and the ugly and they love you anyway.

Swimming In Perspective

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Perspective – noun – a particular attitude toward or way of regarding something; a point of view.

This year our vacation took us to Honduras. I have traveled to many countries and I have seen poverty but it never ceases to smack me in the face. It was especially striking this time. I expected Honduras to be like Mexico. It wasn’t. It was much worse. I didn’t bother to look up facts before I went there, I like to go with an open mind and not a preconceived notion of what to expect. The GDP of Honduras is about 18 billion. the GDP of Mexico is over a trillion. That’s a huge difference.

I live in a small town who just experienced its first homicide of the year while I was gone, and I don’t diminish that whatsoever, but it’s important to mention it to show where I live versus where I visited. Honduras had cars filled with bullet holes driving down the road, children unattended everywhere, people lingering in the street. We hired a driver to show us around. He was excited to tell us that he was married with two children, 3 years and a 5 month old. He was happy to be working and he said that tourism brought him a job for half of the year. That afforded them to rent a small home and if they were very careful with their money, they could live there all year. If not, they had a home for six to seven months. It’s important to note that their homes were not what we call homes here. The area we visited brings many tourist as it has great diving and snorkeling because of a beautiful barrier reef. We had been on a private island just the day before enjoying the sights of the reef. Our driver told us that many Americans live there. I asked what they did for work. He said they own businesses that cater to the tourist who come to dive or they are divers who are retired. There are big condominiums going up and when I asked about it he said the Italians were coming in and building time shares. This had brought jobs to those who can do construction. Drops in a bucket but drops are better than drought.

I asked about missionaries and churches. He said the Mormons are there and the Evangelicals most people are Catholic. There was a group of doctors who have opened a clinic and they treat people for things their local hospital can’t take care of. Their hospital wouldn’t even be considered an urgent care center here in the U.S..

Upon coming home I wanted to make a Mexican dinner so I ran to the Mexican market in town. On my drive I remembered I had given all of my cash to my husband. Lulu the Wonder Dog was with me and I said, “Lulu, I have no cash. I hope I have my bank card.” I was met by a homeless man who asked me for change or food. I said, I would bring him food since I didn’t have cash. I ordered a super steak burrito at the counter. As I waited I thought, who buys food for the Honduran homeless? If no one has money then who buys food? I grabbed the burrito, walked over to the cold drinks and bought a large water, grabbed the few things I needed and got in line at the checkout. Two checkers. One lane had a cart full, one lane had six things. I got in the six item lane. Yes, you guessed it, the person had WIC coupons. I thought, the mom in Honduras doesn’t have WIC. The mom in Honduras probably doesn’t have a hospital. I wonder if this woman knows she is blessed?

I paid for my things, went to the homeless man and gave him the burrito and water. Behind me a woman brought him groceries. I got in my car and before I drove off I thanked God for provision. I thanked Him for open eyes. We throw words around casually, “I’m starving”, when we haven’t eaten in a few hours, “I’m broke”, when we’ve spent our money, “I have no cash”, when we have a bank card.  It’s a matter of perspective. Tonight I am examining my thoughts and words carefully. I’m grateful but I want to also be aware. Fully present and fully aware. Lord, help me.