Category: Women

Two Ends of The Spectrum

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Two weeks ago I finished Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book was contrasted by articles I’d been reading about the narcissistic engulfing mom in Danu Morrigan’s book, and the raising of her children.

While the tiger mom is obsessed with raising brilliant children who can rule the world, the narcissistic mom is obsessed with making sure her children will forever need her. The tiger mom insists on perfection in every aspect of her children, the narcissistic mom tells her children they can’t do anything right without her.

The tiger mom and narcissistic mom both think they have their children’s best interest at heart, but both want to control on opposite ends of the spectrum. While the tiger mom is teaching her children that fear can actually motivate you to move forward, the narcissistic mom is telling her children that danger lies around every corner and what lucky children they are to have her as their mother who will forever protect them. There is no childhood in a tiger mom’s mindset and there is infantalization in a narcissistic mom’s mindset.

I have to be honest and tell you I cringed with both mothers. With the tiger mom because I could relate to much of it. I was focused on making my children prepared to take on the world and make something of themselves. I wasn’t as compassionate as I should have been as I was busy raising leaders.

With the narcissistic mom I cringed because she is raising children to be afraid to leave her. She makes sure to tell them that they aren’t smart enough to leave and the world is a super scary dangerous place without your mom. If they do happen to escape, she has a need to know everything about their life and she takes it in as if it is happening to her. This plays on my fear of my children marrying someone like this and being trapped by a mother-in-law who is hell bent on control. I have seen mothers who know every last detail of her adult children’s marriage and who interject their opinion and speak for their adult children. The person married to their child lives a hellish reality of being married to someone’s mother. ICK.

With Amy Chua’s book, she has a revelation and acknowledges her errors, although the media crucified her, I had deep sympathy and love for her (I know what you’re thinking, it’s okay). With the narcissistic mom, she believes she is  right and you won’t convince her otherwise.

Makes me grateful for my mom! Thanks mom, for always trying to mind your own business, well for the most part, and for letting me grow up to be who I wanted to be.

Walking It Out TLC4Women’s New Season

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TLC4Women is getting ready to start its new year. It’s a special year for us since it’s our Seventh! I can’t tell you how excited I am to be with this group of women and the new ones they will bring to the class.

When TLC first started we started because we wanted a different kind of bible study. One that would bless us as women, teach us the word, and give practical tips to applying principles to our lives to make it better. I wanted a group with a promise. One that said, if you’ll come and study, your life will change. The banner over our ministry was “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2 so Transforming Life Center was birthed.

On Monday we will all gather to worship, to pray, to set the pace for how walking this life out will look like in the 2013-2014 season. We plan on tackling three big areas this year.

1. What are the weapons of our warfare as women and daughters of the Most High King? Prayer, praise, tenacity, and a strong love of God and his Word.

2. What does it mean to be a disciple and even better what does it mean to make a disciple?

3. Who is the Holy Spirit and how do we keep him at the forefront guarding our steps and making sure we don’t break our ankles?

Prayer, Disciples, Praise, all led by the Holy Spirit and that would be a great year but we have to more to learn. Then we’re going to study the Prophet Malachi. Word for word, verse by verse. Who was he and what can he teach us?

It’s going to be a great year and I can’t wait! See you all on Monday at 7.

Giving in the Smallest Way

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Hosea 10:12 Sow righteousness, reap love. It’s time to till the ready earth, it’s time to dig in with God, Until he arrives with righteousness ripe for harvest.

My husband is a pastor. His role is to attend to the things God has given him. In our yard there is a bird feeder that Doug put up  years ago. I tease him each time he fills it. “Helping God out huh?” He smiles and season after season he puts the bird seed in the feeder. The birds are amazing and you can learn a lot from them. They take only their daily bread. They don’t store for the future, they don’t fight over food. They somehow know they’ll each have enough. I watch them as they eat their meal then fly off and another group stops to grab a bite. It’s entertaining and makes me smile. Our dogs surprisingly ignore their chatter, our cat swishes her tale back and forth menacingly from inside the family room window.

Then one day a corn stalk sprouted. Just like that.  A harvest for faithfulness. Because even when giving in the smallest way, there is the law of sowing and reaping. It’s a principle sent from heaven to rest on earth. There is no getting around it. Whatever word or action you speak will return multiplied.

Sow righteousness and love and may your day reap a plentiful harvest of every good and perfect gift from our Lord today!

Lie Witness News

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Jimmy Kimmel does this skit on his show where he interviews fans of celebrities and asks them questions about the celebrity that aren’t true to get their reaction. All I have to say is, from a father who lies to the camera about his daughter’s reaction to something that never happened, to girls who really showed no character or thought process to the questions being asked, we need to start teaching what really matters!

Words Have Power

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In the scope of a week in my world:

1. Paula Deen gets fired for saying the N word 27 years ago.

2. I scan over an article, deem it worthy of sharing on FB, then as I am reading it out loud, I realize it is over the top in language and I plunge towards my computer to delete the message. Too late in those few minutes a bunch of people have read it and I am mortified. I apologize for it, but too late I’ve already been judged it for and it’s fair, and I accept the blame.

3. I see a picture of one of the church guys on FB. He’s dressed in a tux and sunglasses and someone has responded about the pimp in the picture. Never mind that he is a husband and a father of daughters. The same daughters that pimps would try to exploit if they had the chance.

We all make stupid mistakes.

In the case of Paula Deen I guess my question is has she changed? Is she sorry she got caught or is she more evolved? I will never know, I don’t run in her circles. I would want my sorry to mean something though.

I have never said the N word. I wasn’t brought up in her neck of the woods. In my vicinity it’s more about the spics, the wetbacks, and the coconuts. I’ve never said those words either but I’ve felt their sting before. More lately the words seem to be sexually powered rather than racially motivated. Pimp, ho, gangsta, biatch (which always catches my attention because of the spelling). I’ve also taken note of the people who say them. They tend to be ignorant.

“So what are ya?”, I was asked while in Texas.  Ok, I tend to be more than a little sarcastic, so I replied, “a woman, what do you mean what am I?” “I know that! I mean where ya from?”  “California, third generation. I’m American. Do you want to know if I’m a Latina? Yes I am.” “I know that! What kind?” As if it would matter, “Mexican.” And there it is, the little sneer that tells me that you think I’m less than you and where I wish Alex Trebek would show up on cue and show you I am not any more or less a person, but I more than likely have you beat in my world. I get the fervor over Paula Deen’s comment. It stings.

I also see life from her perspective. She was brought up in a place and time where there was an us and a them. I’m from the next generation and don’t feel that way.  I was born in a time after desegregation and so my friends were everyone. Our generation, those who weren’t ignorant, didn’t go around calling each other stereotypical names. It was too fresh and too raw. We knew better. That’s where my generation parts ways with the generation that comes after us. To call someone the N word, a pimp, a ho, gangsta, etc… is met with distain and offense on my part because I know what those words mean and I don’t think by making them seem cool changes the meaning of the word.  The generation after me glorifies sexualization and money no matter who you have to enslave to get there.  Suddenly being a pimp and selling women to get money seems like a cool way to make a living. Until it’s your daughter.

Words. They are powerful, they mark territory, people, and more importantly show who we are. Use them carefully. Weigh them out. Would you be okay if someone called you a profiling name and then said, “oh just kidding”? Let’s be smarter. I promise to be.

The Can’t Get It Together Dads

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Scare a woman and she will attack. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Listening to an interview with Cindy Crawford she talked about life after her parent’s divorce and how it shaped her adult life. She said her father would come by their home once a week to drop off his child support except when he was mad at her mother. Then he would punish his family by not providing support for that week which created a scenario where they were short on groceries. She said that the effect on her as a child created an inner vow in which she said she would never depend on a man for finances. That vow created a problem in her marriage where her husband wanted to take care of her but she could not allow it. She had to reconcile this vow within her to reasonable conclusion.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

My cousin recently posted on Facebook that her husband took their daughter’s high school graduation program to the court the following week to cut his child support, even though their daughter received great grades and was going to college. Basically he let his daughter know he was not going to be responsible for her education and that he had been biding his time. The immediate ramifications are rejection, hurt, and disappointment to a young adult whom this man has donated sperm to, but not fathered. Abuse in any form is intolerable.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

I know a man, who refused to pay his full child support. He would tell his ex wife, “you’ll get what you get”. Their custody arrangement was one in which he was to pay for half of the medical but he would call her cussing and yelling at her every time she took their children to the doctor and would tell her he would  not F&**%$#  pay for it. What was she doing wrong that made them sick. When his daughter needed braces his reply was, his teeth were straight so it obviously was the mother’s DNA that created the problem so she could pay for it. College? Forget it. He paid partial payments of his inadequate support to coincide with their 18th birthday. Visitation was random to say the least. Yet to hear it be told he was misunderstood. Fortunately for this little family of three, another man came in and picked up the tab and they were saved from the statistic that besets women of falling into poverty.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

In all of these cases the children were abused. I call it abuse because not caring whether your children have enough food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, education, and above all love is abuse. I could quote scripture but a get it together dad is unbeliever because love would have led them to a different conclusion.

The results of this type of behavior have long lasting effects. Children live their lives always looking over their shoulders not sure if they will be taken care of or not because security is what both their parents should have given. They can’t fully trust in a relationship because at any moment that person may walk and they will be left holding the bag of responsibility. I’m sorry doesn’t make up for the years of abuse poured on by the can’t get it together dad.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

Sadly though she attacks the wrong man.

The Object Of My Affection

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In  a Human Sexuality class that I took in college we studied the topic of public displays of affection, or PDA. We determined to shelf what Western Civilization deems as normal, holding hands, a kiss. We discussed the topic of making out, grabbing each other’s butts or breasts, or grinding on the dance floor. What did it say about a person? How did it make those around them feel? What was the meaning behind it?

The discussion went along the vein of it makes others feel uncomfortable when a couple is groping at each other. Until that discussion I had never really thought about what it meant. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and very inappropriate to view someone’s private life on display in public but was there a meaning there?  Then the professor brought up a thought process that I had never considered. He proposed that the groping of each other in public is actually not for the sexual pleasure of the couple but rather a branding or peeing on territory. In other words, grabbing your girlfriend’s butt in public let’s everyone know he/she is your property. Grabbing her breast in public shows everyone what little respect you have for her and what little respect she has for herself. She becomes a willing object rather than a human being. Interestingly, along comes a study in 2010 by the University of Virginia called the  National Marriage Project, it showed that couples who engage in PDA are 1.5 times more likely to end in divorce. Why?  PDA is more about performing and looking good for others than putting the needs of your partner first.

Then there was the topic of hickeys. Sucking on someone’s neck until you bruise them. Interestingly if you bruise a woman or a child you could be charged with abuse, but bruising a neck has no such connotation until you think about it. What does it speak to the world about you? It plainly says that you are intimate. For a married couple that should be a given, for a single couple that says what? It also brands you as property. One male classmate actually shared that he gave hickeys as a sign to his friends that he had gotten somewhere with that girl. Interestingly, the guys in our class thought it was trashy for a women to have hickeys, but didn’t mind giving them. So they were saying in essence that they would devalue a woman if she devalued herself. I will never forget that discussion.

Ladies, we aren’t cows that need to be branded as someone’s property. I don’t need to make out  in public with my husband to prove our intimacy with each other. Time will prove if what we have between us is real or fake.

Have you ever thought about what it says to the world when you show up to work, school, church, or a friend’s house with a hickey? It means you are someone’s object. I am not some thing. I am someone. I am a daughter of a King. I am not one who considers that a small insignificant matter. I am not defined by any man’s perspective of me. I’ve been defined already.  I don’t know, I think we’ve fought too hard to get to where we are to cheapen ourselves and let the world know that we don’t consider ourselves much.

I’ve Created My Own Prison

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We learn through pain that some of the things we thought were castles turn out to be prisons, and we desperately want out, but even though we built them, we can’t find the door.

Lamott, Anne (2012-11-13). Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers (p. 37). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.

Trapped verb
1. a contrivance used for catching game or other animals, as a mechanical device that springs shut suddenly.
2. any device, stratagem, trick, or the like for catching a person unawares.

That ideal that once seemed so right is now the very thing that holds you hostage to its demands. It’s a scary place to be, sometimes lonely, sometimes heartbreaking, and always a place that you can move from, but always with consequences. Consequences that will be good and bad because there is always pursuit in a prison breakout. Only you can determine when you are willing to face those consequences.

My girlfriend’s husband recently was promoted in his job. The money is fabulous but it doesn’t make up for the fact that he is working 12-14+ hour days, comes home after the children are asleep and leaves before they wake up. “This is too great a price to pay”, she told me, “I never have time with him and if I selfishly envision a date with my husband, I take a father away from the precious few moments he may have with his children.” When I asked her why he didn’t just take a step down in position she said, “We bought a new car, leased a beach house for the month of July, and put the kids in private school, we couldn’t even consider it now.”

Seemingly trapped without a door of escape.

An acquaintance who began dating a man who was still married but separated from his wife. Dating for almost two years now, but he hasn’t filed for divorce. She’s well invested into this relationship now. She loves him and he says he cares for her but he’s in counseling with his wife.

The fairytale that has trapped the princess in the tower.

My stepmom friend who fell in love with him before he met his kids and crazy ex-wife. Then thought somehow love was going to cover it all. Now everyone is miserable.

Locked in a state of despair.

Then there I stand. Trapped in an ideal, up until last year, where I thought any time sitting down relaxing was wasted time. Headaches and heartache and stress and anxiety were so normal to me.

I decided to take a Milwaukee Super Sawzall to that mindset and I cut a hole for a door to walk out of the castle I had built. I can’t tell you it was easy. I can’t tell you that I don’t still have moments of anxiety where I hear myself try to coax my body into one more activity. These days I stop and I take a good look at what the cost will be, and I pray for the wisdom to know what the right thing to do is, even when I am afraid the answer is no and I desperately want a yes.

Stepmom Appreciation

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This Sunday, May 19, is Stepmother’s Day. I want to give a shout out to all the women who are working this day out today. When you come into a pre-existing family, there are rules and rituals already established that you are not a part of. It’s never easy but with some help there is hope.

As one warrior to another, let me say that you are more than enough. You not only took on a new marriage and a new love of your life, you promise to love the children that are part of the man you chose. You now represent the majority of families in America, for better or worse. Love them well and know that you are a mentor. They  have two parents and so you aren’t there to replace anyone. You are merely there to mentor, guide, and love. You can do this! Get a great support group. They abound in communities and on the Internet. If you are looking for some help, don’t hesitate to find a good therapist who specializes in step families! I am part of a wonderful group of women who not only visit each other, call each other, and support each other, they are going through the same thing. Some are further along and help you navigate the path more clearly. My stepmom friends have been an absolute godsend to me! I don’t have a clue what I would have done without them. I honestly think my marriage would have been in danger without them. They cheered me on, they loved me through it, they told me when I was wrong, they helped me step back when I was in too deep, and they brought me back from the brink many times. I love them as sisters and mentors!

Today I honor you. You are brave. You are trying. You are amazing to even take on this endeavor. Most of you are not evil, though I’ve met some while not evil, are narcissistic and foolish. That’s an ugly combo. Hopefully that’s not you. I love you and just in case everyone forgets, I wish you happy Stepmother’s Day from the very bottom of my heart!

 

The Blessed Life

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In our kick-off study at TLC4Women we opened up our hearts and minds to the teaching of Pastor Robert Morris of Gateway Church in Dallas, Texas and his book The Blessed Life. What a time of generosity unfolded. I watched the class grasp the concept of opening up our heart to the things of God and the beautiful word, tithe. Each Monday night brought fresh revelation of what transpires when we were aware of the principle of giving in our lives. Each Monday night I heard testimony as the women began to give to God with new understanding of what their gifts entailed. I believe many churches in our city will be blessed by our lesson and many, many lives will be changed because of it.

While I’m sworn to secrecy on the conversations that go on in this class, I can tell you that it blessed me. Each Monday night I came home with a smile on my face and a grateful heart, but let me just tell you what blessed me the absolute most! When we talked about extravagant gifts! I was expecting the women to tell me about gifts, actual presents, material things, financial blessings, only they didn’t. They spoke to me about time spent with loved ones, about words spoken in love, about books that changed their lives, about family time, about restored marriages, about the extension of love to our community. So while the book dealt with your finances, the rewards and the promises fulfilled by God were enriched lives in every aspect. Sacrifices were given but the return was more than we could have ever imagined.

The overall consensus was that this book is a must read. I have to say, I thought I’d meet this study with resistance, since we come from different houses across the city, but you have to love the TLC women. They are hungry for knowledge and change and they are women who trust and love God with their whole entire beings! I love them all so much you can’t even begin to know.