When Anthony was a three-year-old he collected all the He-Man figures and watched the cartoon, subsequently, I learned the history of He-Man. He-Man was an action figure who lived in Castle Greyskull. He was dressed like a gladiator and had a huge tiger named BattleCat that he rode off to battle. His enemy was named Skeletor and he was always causing havoc from his home on Snake Mountain.
Anthony had a sword that when you flipped the switch lit up just as He-Man’s sword did. He took this sword everywhere he went, including to bed and carried it hooked to the back of his shirt where he could easily grab it in case of danger. He was always looking for an enemy to fight and I remember one day when we walking out to the car and we encountered a big bullfrog sitting on the sidewalk. Anthony quickly pulled out his sword and said in his toughest three year old voice, “Stand back mommy, I’ll take care of this.” As he took his sword out and lit it up for battle he took the warrior stance against the bullfrog. I played along and carefully walked around the scene while he stood guard. When we got into the car, I thanked him for his protection and he smiled proudly and said, “That’s okay.” All in a day’s work for my little He-Man. Anthony’s dreams for his future was to be either G.I. Joe or on the team of M.A.S.K.
When Casey was three she collected Barbie. Barbie was a doll who along with her friends, Midge, Skipper and Ken went to the beach and had parties. Barbie married Ken on a regular basis. There were no wars and there were no swords, only fun and lots of changing of outfits and shoes and cutting of hair. Barbie at some point or another also married He-Man and GI Joe which Anthony swore, would never happen in real life.
Casey’s dream was to marry Prince Phillip, from Sleeping Beauty fame, and they were going to live on the Rhein River in a castle. She would tell of tales of riding off on a unicorn to pick wildflowers and fruit in the forest. The danger for her was keeping a diligent eye out for a wicked witch. Prince Phillip would fight the Pirates on the river before dinner and he would always win.
This is an area of my children’s lives where fantasy and imagination ran wild. I would often play along and I know for a fact that Casey would have approached the bullfrog much differently. She would have wanted to catch it and see if he talked and if he turned into a prince when we kissed it. Yes, she would want to kiss it just in case it was her prince. Her life was about love and romance. Anthony’s life was about war and protection. Anthony still carefully watches over his sister and I as the man of the family and Casey is still relational looking for romance in her adventures.
I say all this to say that God didn’t create us male and female to be the same. That is a lie and puts a lot of pressure on each of us to be things we are not. Can women be warriors? Yes, they can in moments of danger and they show extraordinary strength but not in the same way a man can. A woman was not designed for war instead she was designed to nurture. Yes we as women have had to step into places that were never intended for us as a means of survival but it is not our original design. Can men be nurturing? Yes and they are, but the expectations in today’s society is that they act and think like women and they aren’t designed to do that.
Amos 8:11. “The days are coming,” declares the Sovereign Lord, “when I will send a famine through the land– not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord.
12. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord, but they will not find it.
13. “In that day “the lovely young women and strong young men will faint because of thirst.
I read this today and burst into tears. I began to imagine the Lord telling me that because I wouldn’t submit, because I told his prophets to shut up then I was to be cut off. How this passage hurt my heart. I can’t even imagine, nor do I ever want to imagine a day when I couldn’t hear the voice of Jesus.
Lord, I never want to be apart from you. I never want to feel that isolation, I never want to be where you aren’t. My Lord, I ask that your presence be with me always. There just simply is nothing without you. In the mighty name of Jesus I pray! Amen
Confrontation is a big bold word. We use it as a small word and explain that isn’t really what we meant but the word confrontation should be kept in reserve for big action.
-noun
1. an act of confronting.
2. the state of being confronted.
3. a meeting of persons face to face.
4. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
5. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.
6. Psychology. a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.
The problem with confrontation is that sometimes it is necessary but very rarely is it comfortable. For most people it takes a lot of effort to do. In an effort to avoid confrontation, we allow far too many things to pile up before taking action. By avoiding confrontation you create more confrontation. The pile up of offenses begins to take on a life of its own which begins to choke out the relationship and sometimes any hope of reconciliation.
Good decent nice people tend to have a problem calling things what they are. They allow far too many evil things to happen before they get up the nerve to have the conversation. Very often they are pushed into confrontation which renders them unprepared and out of their element. So rather than face that type of action they stay quiet and seethe. This actually helps no one and often allows evil to perpetuate. Although preparation will not prepare you for every situation you’ll be more in control of the situation and be less likely to flounder.
Confrontation although a rare occurrence is sometimes necessary and it is more than a simple conversation. By nipping these things in the bud getting to the heart of the matter often we stop things from getting worse.
We all know her. It’s not us of course but we all know her. You know the one. Your friend, the one who is over all the time for coffee or to hang out as long as there is not a man in the picture. This isn’t so bad, you think to yourself, because we all do it to a certain extent. In those first few weeks of a relationship when lust permeates our thought process and we see are the wonderful attributes this man has. Yes, we all know her.
We all see her. She’s in church on Sunday and at TLC (or your form of it) on Monday evenings while she’s alone but once her man comes around she drops out. She’s beautiful on the outside but so insecure on the inside. Her convictions are solid until they are tested. You see, actions speak louder than words.
Then her new boyfriend asks her to sleep with him. She knows her God and His point of view on fornication but she shoves all the knowledge aside because someone actually loves her. Well, you see, he hasn’t actually said those exact words but we all know they are coming at some point, right? We all know she said she’d never date ‘the mission field’ but her new man has promised he’ll come to church and well, we all know how that will turn out.
She tells us he drinks a little too much. It’s okay, she continues, because she know it’s just the stress of his baby mama drama. You see, he wants to change. He just needs a little sex, a little fix-it and a lot less nagging.
So you ask her about his ex-wife. Only he doesn’t have one. You see, he got hooked up with a slutty girl and she got pregnant on purpose. She was a party girl and your friend, well, she just goes clubbing with her man now because it’s where his friends hang out. They don’t do anything there, they just go to dance and drink and relieve their stress. By the way, you tell her, she hasn’t brought him to church yet. No, she says, because he’s afraid of being judged and last week he wasn’t feeling well.
She tells you that he’s asked her to move in with him. He wants to have a big wedding and give her a big ring, only he can’t afford to right now. She knows it’s not what God would want but she knows if she just hangs out a little while longer he’ll give her the things she wants. She also mentions that he’s been too stressed out to see his child but he just needs her to pull him out of his slump.
She tells you that he quit his job and now she is the sole support of her family. You remind her of the scripture that says if a man doesn’t work he shouldn’t eat but she informs you he is trying to find himself. He’s not spending too much time with his child yet. She wonders if she should pay his portion of the child support payments so he doesn’t fall behind?
So now your friend has abandoned her belief system for her man. The Holy Spirit leaves and she doesn’t even know it. She has traded God for a man. Her heart has chosen its treasure. You mourn for your friend but her romantic notion of what love is supposed to look like has become idolatry. God says He will never be second. She missed that part I guess.
Six months later she comes to you and now she is pregnant. Now your friend is the slutty party girl and her boyfriend has moved on to the next best thing. You won’t say you told her so. You just hold her and try to be there for this next difficult phase of her life. She now has more hard choices to make. Move home to her parents house to raise a child or put the child up for adoption. Her life has been irrevocably changed.
Don’t be like your friends. Smart women stick to their beliefs. It’s the core of who they are. It’s what defines them. Remember that. No man can ever take the place of God in your life and no one can ever tell you who you are. That has to be determined between you and God. You have to be worth more than that.
My friend Elizabeth was cooking and pulled a can of green beans out of her cupboard. When she opened it she found a surprise. The outside didn’t match the inside.
Matthew 7:16 By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them.
When I saw the picture I had two instant thoughts. “Man! I hope she had another can or she’s going to have to figure out what to do last minute to make the meal all come together.” The second thought was, “This is why people are so freaked out by us who follow Christ. We put on this label but when they get close to us they realize who we say we are isn’t always the case.”
The Lord quickly showed me the thoughts were along the same vein. Just as Elizabeth had opened the can to find a surprise, she also had to figure out what she was going to do with the contents and how she would improvise with what she had on hand. She also will never again assume that just because a can is labeled a certain way that the contents will necessarily match up. Everyone who sees this picture also experiences to an extent what Elizabeth experienced. It sounds dramatic but it really isn’t. Think about it.
How many people have you met who have a negative story about their encounter with a follower of Christ? How many have met a green bean label only to find the contents to be a little fruity? If those of us who follow Christ have too many stories to count then so does the world. And we wonder why they are put off?
At this point in the story, many will say, yes but we are only human. They are right to an extent. We are only human but are we human living to the best of our ability or are we human living below the standard Jesus laid before us all while making excuses?
Romans 2:17 Now you, if you call yourself a Jew; if you rely on the law and brag about your relationship to God; 18 if you know his will and approve of what is superior because you are instructed by the law; 19 if you are convinced that you are a guide for the blind, a light for those who are in the dark, 20 an instructor of the foolish, a teacher of infants, because you have in the law the embodiment of knowledge and truth– 21 you, then, who teach others, do you not teach yourself? You who preach against stealing, do you steal? 22 You who say that people should not commit adultery, do you commit adultery? You who abhor idols, do you rob temples? 23 You who brag about the law, do you dishonor God by breaking the law? 24 As it is written: “God’s name is blasphemed among the Gentiles because of you.”
I heard a woman on Dr. Laura Schlessinger’s show call in about an affair she had been having. Dr. Laura asked her why she didn’t leave her husband and the woman said that it was because her lover could not care for her financially as well as her husband could and because she was a Christian. Dr. Laura went nuts! She told her not to bring Jesus into this. The woman clearly was Mislabeled Christianity.
Acts3:6 Then Peter said, “Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you.
What are we giving the world? When they get close enough to look inside of our lives do they see the rotting stench of a pretend life or do they see authentic Christianity? Do we bible thumpers who say we want everyone to get their hearts right before the Lord and have everlasting life set the example by excusing why we sleep around, lie, cheat, steal, connive just as the world does?
Let’s make sure we are who our label shows us to be!
When my son was little one of the first things I taught him was to look a person in the eye and give a firm handshake. I taught him to open a door for me, to walk on the outside of the sidewalk when we walked together and to look after those who were considered more fragile than he was. His father taught him the boy things of riding a bike, boxing, sports, etc… At first, I have to say, I balked at buying guns but when he began to use his thumb and forefinger as a weapon, I figured I was fighting a losing battle. So we bought cap guns and plastic swords and along with his army men and Tonkas the boy went out to play at conquering the world. He came home with the usual battle wounds; bruised knees, cuts and scratches and that dirty puppy smell of a sweaty little boy. As he grew he rode dirt bikes, popped wheelies on his ramps, hunted and went fishing and drew on a drafting table out in the garage. In that time there was lessons on money and the use of a pocketknife and how to treat people with respect and laundry, dishes, mowing a lawn, dusting and a strong work ethic. All the things he would need in life.
Today I am not seeing that kind of raising of a man and it’s not like my son is old. He’s 28. So somewhere in the last 28 years we have stopped raising men. We no longer educate them on what it means to be a well-mannered young man. What it is going to take for a man to stand up and take on his responsibilities in life? Today I see boys who think they are men, making babies here, there and everywhere. Sitting in their Mama’s house not working or better yet, working and not saving a dime to leave. They are happy being boys. Several years ago, my son decided to take a break from college. That’s fine it’s his life, but since he was taking a break and working full-time it was time for him to move out on his own. I was really surprised when friends all questioned our decision and said things like, “He’s such a good kid and he’s not bothering anyone by living at home!” Those statements were true but I was raising a MAN not a mama’s boy. There is a difference. I believe wholeheartedly that if you aren’t going to college then you need to go get a full-time job and move out on your own and really I believe that for men or women. It may not be popular belief today but I want to raise independent free people in my house. People who can live their own lives and make intelligent decisions and not depend on us forever. We’d like to have our own life at some point so there is a method to my madness. I do not want to raise my kids forever. I realized a long time ago it was a temporary position.
Gone today are the teachings of a firm handshake and to look someone in the eye. I remember with laughter when Anthony was seven and Casey was three and he decided to teach her the rules of meeting and greeting grownups! He told her very solemnly, “Casey when you meet a grownup you have to shake with your right hand and look them in the eye, look me in the eye and say this, “Hello Mr. Martinez, my name is Mister Sister.” So he would make her practice shaking and saying that. It took all I had to not laugh out loud and I’ll have to ask her if she still runs around introducing herself as Mister Sister.
Today, I go to the youth group and most don’t even talk to me or look at me and if they do, they address me as, “Yo, Fool!” No, I’m not lying. I have to stop dead in my track and teach. Or they say, “Hey, what’s up?” Our young men, give limp wimpy handshakes if they shake my hand at all and don’t seem to know what to do. These things are not learned by osmosis. They are taught. Who is raising our men today?
Where are the men whom we call fathers who were supposed to be there to raise our sons? A woman cannot truly raise a son on her own. She can try and she does the best she can but there are things we can’t convey because we don’t know them. By nature, we as women, are emotional and we teach by emotions. A man however cannot run on emotions. They don’t know what to do with them. So they explode in anger and can’t handle problems properly because they haven’t been equipped. Men run on practicality not emotions. Yet, in a world where men are primarily absent a woman has to do what a woman has to do. The following statistics were taken from a sermon entitled Men Behaving Godly.
Fatherless sons are 35% more likely to experience marital failure
Fatherless sons are 300% more likely to become incarcerated in state juvenile institutions
Fatherless make up 70% of all juveniles in state institutions
Fatherless children are twice as likely to drop out of high school
Fatherless children have only half the chance of being high achievers (According to the National Association Elementary School Principals, 33% of children from two-parent families become high achievers, while only 17% of children from single-parent homes become high achievers.)
Fatherless children are 50% more likely to have learning disabilities.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, Fatherless children are anywhere from 100 to 200% more likely to have emotional and behavioral problems.
Fatherless young adults are twice as likely to need and receive psychological help.
According to our nation’s hospitals, 80% of adolescents admitted for psychiatric reasons come from fatherless families.
“From relationships, education, to mental instability, to crime, one factor looms as the most significant contributor: A home without a dad.” (5 Lies, David T. Moore, Tyndale House Publishers, p.89-90)1995
So we have generally created a group of young narcissistic mean kids who aren’t designed that way ,they are just lost and haven’t been taught a better way. Bullying is at an all time high in schools. Violent behavior is getting worse. What used to be a fistfight is now escalating because we don’t know how to teach our boys what to do with their emotions. I see boys who don’t believe they have to take care of a woman. They believe she has to take care of them because that is all that has been modeled. I see boys who treat their moms like dirt and don’t even open a door for them. I would stand forever before I would open a door for myself in the presence of my son. I remember when I was teaching him to drive, he ran and got in the drivers side. I stood outside the car and he said,
“Get in mom!”
“I’m not opening this door. Get out of the car and open the door for me. That is what a gentleman does.”
“Mom! C’mon, you’re not my girlfriend and I know I have to open the door.”
“Son, we are not going anywhere if you’ve forgotten your manners.”
“Aye! Okay.”
I’ve never had to remind him since.
What happened to raising men? What can we do to change this statistic? Would some men please stand up and mentor some of these kids? They need you.
I got this from a website that you might find helpful. Thanks to by Dr. Irene Matiatos and her website http://www.drirene.com.
Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer ‘yes’ to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:
Does your partner:
ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
walk away without answering you?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
roll his or her eyes when you talk?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get?
tell you you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
In that moment when Eve decided to go for the wisdom that was being offered, her flesh craved that wisdom more than her soul craved God. She opted for the momentary pleasure knowing full well that death would follow. It really is about whom you feed the most, flesh or soul. I think this is why the bible says things like, “taste and see that the Lord is good”, “my soul thirsts for you”. God knows that the flesh is hungry for things we desire that aren’t always what we need. We were created to crave both in our flesh and soul. And often our soul loses as we feed our flesh. Just like Adam and Eve lost when their flesh craved a piece of fruit more than their soul craved God.
John Bevere said, I believe it was in his book A Heart Ablaze, where he had read ancient writings of the life of Adam and Eve after the garden. In these writings it says Adam was depressed and despondent. That he spent days sitting in caves, that he attempted suicide but that God would not let him die. He had lost everything; he was for the first time alone and desolate as his soul sat starving. He rarely spoke again. How incredibly sad to lose it all! Think about when a spouse decides to have an affair the pain of that affair is inflicted on the family and the effect to their husband or wife as they pull the rug out from under their lives. The aftermath of that is also devastating if there are children as sin is always personal but never private, it affects many. The incredible sharp crushing pain to the heart. Now imagine that pain multiplied by infinity and you begin to catch a glimpse of Adam’s loss. It no longer mattered that his death wasn’t physical, he had died spiritually. I believe this is what happens when people commit suicide. They are empty internally and all that is left is flesh. They have lost all hope of anything ever filling them again.
We were all created with a soul that craves the things of God and God himself. Every single one of us needs relationship and love and acceptance. We all were made to crave those things that sustain like food can’t. Babies die without a loving touch and old people wilt away without a family. We are all created to need each other.
If in fact, we can’t help it and feeding the flesh becomes a bigger priority than feeding the soul then we are dying a slow and agonizing death. There is no long-term pleasure in the pain it causes. If we truly can’t control the cravings, if that’s in fact true, then we are living no better than the animals we profess to be above in the food chain. In the meantime, your soul is dying out because it needs the ties of humanity and to something bigger than itself to exist.
People live year after year, gathering rocks in their pillowcase, always expecting a different result but never experiencing the full life that was set before them. To really want to live a life with purpose and passion isn’t all about self and selfish cravings, it’s about giving yourself what you need and thereby feeding others something more than the rocks that have been collected. If we are really going to live a life worth living then that’s about deep friendships, beautiful love, a life of service and a heart that worships God, those are the things that the soul desires. Those are the lasting things.
Umbrellas are important on rainy days. We don’t think about them much any other time but when we wake up in the morning and we look out the window, and it’s raining, we look for that umbrella. We also look for that umbrella on extra hot summer days when we want to be protected from the sun. We don’t want to risk being burned.
Matthew 5:45 that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.
Umbrellas are covering. As a married woman I count on my husband to cover me. As a woman who lives in a family whose umbrella is God I count on my husband to cover us in prayer, in character, in morals and as the head of my family we walk according to his plan praying that my husband walks according to God’s plan.
What happens though when he doesn’t? We never think it will happen to us. It’s other women whose husbands get depressed, or fall and suddenly they find themselves out in the elements dragging their family behind them. It’s never us, but the reality is, sometimes it is.
What do we do then? Do you know how to access your umbrella? Do you know how to pray for your family and cover them in the meanwhile? Can you lift your husband up in prayer while he deals with his issues? Can you keep your family out of the elements when you’re going through a storm? You see, rain is going to come for each of us we all must know how to take cover. The sun is going to get hot sometimes, we need to access that umbrella.
It’s going to call for serious relationship with God. It’s going to require deep faith. It’s going to require amazing love. Can you access the umbrella that will shield you and keep you until things get back to normal?
God knows me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows what I need before I know what I need. So this blog is pretty simple.
In order to anticipate your wants and needs a man has to take the time to know you. Not just as a woman but as his woman. He knows what would make you happy and what would please you. He knows when you’ve had a rough week and he runs the tub with your favorite bubble bath and orders a pizza and waits for you to come home to relax. He knows that you’ve always wanted to go Napa for a few days and walk around the wineries and vineyards and he takes you there to explore. See, he knows you.
More than that, it makes him happy to see you happy. As my husband says often, “If the queen is happy the land is happy.” He understands me, even when I am acting crazy or am stressed about things he doesn’t stress about. He may not understand why I act the way I do but he does whatever he can to help me pull it together and get back to living our life. He takes the time to listen to my needs and he takes the time to minister to me. He prays for me everyday and looks for ways to make my life easier. I don’t have to nag him; he does it because he loves me.
God knows me. God understands me. Make sure your man does.
Pastor Susan 