Category: parenting

Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

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Navarro Vineyard
Navarro Vineyard

Each night at 10:00 there is an announcement on major television stations which goes something like this:

“It’s 10:00, do you know where your children are?”

It makes you stop to think about it. Do I? On a weekend, if your kids are out, you may text your kids, “Hey where are you?” Today I can hopefully cause you to have one of those moments but on a profoundly higher level than the daily 10 pm alarm.

Sheep are notorious for being slow-going creatures. You can’t drive them like cattle or you’ll kill them, they must be lead with great patience. Not one for having much patience myself, I often admire shepherds because they must learn the art of going easy in their lead and still retaining control, knowing when to push and when to step back is an art.

So when it’s time to move the herd after lambing, the time when the ewes give birth to the lambs, imagine the chaos! Baby lambs playing, easily distracted while mothers are letting their kids be kids. The scene could easily look like a scene from Wal-Mart where mom is shopping and the kid  is running around grabbing everything off the shelves it can and knocking it down. If that drives you crazy now multiply that times 50 and you start to get the picture.

Shepherds have a secret though. They understand that if you need to get mom to follow you, you pick up a couple of lambs and now you have mom’s full attention. She will go where the shepherd goes.

So who’s carrying your kids?

This question is so important because whomever that is, that’s where you’re being led. Are you getting the picture of where I’m going with this? If your kids are being carried by the bumping and grinding world of MTV then you can best believe that your attention is there. If your kids are being carried by Snooki and her bunch, you can bet you’re being led there. If your kids are being led by gangs and the local drug dealers then you’re being led to hospitals and jail.

Now, we as humans are likened to sheep, but hopefully we have a better handle than they do. Hopefully, when the shepherd signals for his flock to follow we are not letting the kids dictate where we are being led. Instead my hope is, that we are following the shepherd and bringing our kids along.

Sometimes I see sold out Jesus freak parents who think their kids will find their own path. Not even a ewe does this. Let’s be smart. Let’s be intentional. Whether you’re a Christian or not, pay attention to who is carrying your kids. That influence has the power to lead you and your family around.

As for me and my house we will serve the Lord. Joshua 24:15

Will The Real Parent Please Stand Up 4

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In our school district the school decided to hold the parents responsible for the truancy of their students. The outrage among the parents was incredible. How dare the school make the parent responsible? Wasn’t it the school’s problem to make sure their child was at school? See the real issue was the pointing of the fingers and the inability to take responsibility. I remember with a smile when my daughter Casey, who was the one to test the limits said, “What would you do if I ditched school?” I said, “I’d take time off of work and we’d go to school together. I’d be in every class with you and I’d sit with you at lunch and we’d be joined at the hip.” She looked at me and said seriously, “You’d do that too. I know it. How embarrassing!” My job as a parent was not to abdicate my responsibility to others but to accept the role and do it to the best of my ability. Was it going to hurt her self esteem to follow her around in school? Not as much as it was going to hurt her to think you can skirt your responsibilities.

In speaking to friends of mine who are teachers they say that they not only have to teach a child their normal academic lessons but they have teach morals as well. One friend told me that she has teach the students they can’t go through her purse, that they can’t call each others names, how to use silverware, that you can’t spit on each other, that you can’t steal from one another, and that you have to respect adults. She has had things stolen so she now leaves anything of value locked in her car. Doesn’t she have enough to do with making sure the children that are assigned to her can read, write and accomplish basic math skills?

Can I ask a silly question? What did the parents do for the first five years of life if these basic things weren’t taught? Did they interact with their children at all? Did they just figure out the school was going to do it?

What exactly is the parents’ role in today’s society?

OH! I know! Our job as parents is to buy Buford every single thing his heart desires, let him do whatever he wants, let him be as disrespectful as possible and let television be his babysitter as we do what is really important in life, live for ourselves. Because after all, what we want is the most important thing in life.

The consequences of those actions are here now and we won’t have to worry about Islamic terrorists destroying the American ideal. The disregard shown children today will come to roost in our homes. Sound extreme? Read the papers.

We need to get to a place where we care. A place where it isn’t a burden to parent our children. A place where we don’t live in fear that our children will be traumatized by the word NO. Gosh, I sound so old fashioned!

Will The Real Parents Please Stand Up Part 3

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myhealthla.org

Read Part 2 Here

What is it going to take for parents to take a stand and raise our children? Are we afraid of our children, or do we not care? Pastor Doug says parents are too busy to stop and deal with the issues. Is that true, and if it is, what else do parents have going on that is more important than your own child?

In today’s American culture, we are so self-focused that when a woman finds herself pregnant, she plans the date of the birth of her child. We can go to our doctor and request a date to be induced so that the birth falls in line with the plan. We have six weeks of family leave and so therefore, it has be really calculated to all work out. I’m 47 and I remember women being 3 weeks late to give birth or three weeks early. Not so much anymore. If we go a few days past our due date, we asked to be induced. The clock is ticking. We need to speed the process of growing up because in our fast-paced lifestyle it has to fit in.

Then the guilt sets in for all sorts of reason. Maybe you had a terrible childhood where you had to get a job at 16, so you vow never to do that your child. Maybe you grew up without all the latest gadgets so you have to make that up to your child. Maybe your parents told you no about some activities that you wanted to do so you have to live vicariously through your child. So we make little idols of our children. How often have we heard these words, maybe from our own mouth when things aren’t going well?

My child is so smart that he fails all of his classes out of sheer boredom because the teachers don’t motivate him.

My child is so misunderstood and they pick on him because of_________ (you fill in the blank).

My child is strong willed and I don’t want to change that because he’ll need it in life. So rather than fight with him, we come to agreements.

Most people are jealous of my child because they are so (beautiful, talented, smart) that they mistreat them.

My child has been through so much in his life that he is entitled to act out.

Please realize that these are all excuses that we use to excuse not the child but us as parents from doing our job. We blame the school, we blame the church, we blame the friends, but the responsibility is ours and solely ours. In our effort to insulate our children from any bad things that may happen in life, we don’t prepare them for life. Basic life skills are not taught. Being truthful, honest, honorable, or moral may hurt our child’s feelings, so therefore we abdicate our responsibility and go on the attack of anyone who calls them on any of their behavior. So why do you think we are neglecting those obligations or why are we trying so hard to pass the buck? I’ll talk about my thoughts on this next time.

Will The Real Parents Please Stand Up Part 2

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dropoutnation.com

Read Part 1 here

When our son Anthony got D’s on his report card, he hid the report card. The school mailed home a copy and we saw the D problem. We went to the school to speak to the teachers to find out what the issue was. See, Anthony’s story changed depending on whom he talked to. To his teacher he said, he didn’t see what the deal was if he didn’t do the homework because he was getting A’s on the test. To his father he cried and said he didn’t get how to do the work and his teacher wouldn’t help him. To me he said, he would just shove the homework to the bottom of the backpack and not do it. So we went in to talk to the three teachers involved. While we were waiting for our meeting we could hear a parent yelling at the principal about how her child was being picked on and how it was the teacher’s fault. The parent honestly did not care that others could hear her tirade. Seriously, I can’t even imagine yelling at the teacher or the principal. He or she has so much work on their plate. They not only have to deal with 30 students, they have to prepare their lessons, grade papers, deal with parents, deal with the politics of their job and take the abuse that is coming their way when Johnny can’t or won’t do what he is being asked to do. And Johnny knows full well that the teacher is powerless to stop him from doing what he wills.

We went into the meeting with the teachers humbly. Now let’s face it, we could have asked why they waited until the report card was out to notify us. We could have yelled about our child saying he didn’t get the work but we weren’t there to point fingers. We were there to learn what the problem was and how to correct it. That is when we figured out that our child had been lying to everyone and that deficiencies were sent home. So you see, our problem was not the school, our problem was at home. We took responsibility for our child. The fact is we didn’t check to see if homework was being done.

Isn’t that really how it is? For the most part, your parenting issues lie squarely in your lap. I know there are those rare exceptions and I know that we don’t always have the best of teachers but c’mon, that’s not normal. The reality is, change the teacher, change the environment and still what’s in our child is what is going to come out and what is in our child is what we determined to put in.

More on this topic later.

Will The Real Parents Please Stand Up

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I have noticed a phenomenon that is happening in our society that I’d like to explore with you over the next few posts. I notice that we excuse our children’s behavior all the time for whatever reason. Some of our youth are on Facebook and we’re friends, so I read the news feed some of the posts were way out of line. Now, keep in mind, I am not a prude in any way, shape, or form, but some stuff was just not what I would want to have my kids writing on a public forum. I spoke to the youth and their parents. Their parents quickly went on the defense. Here are some of the responses:

Aren’t these pages a form of their private expression? Uh, NO! The Internet is so wide open that privacy and Internet are not words that even go together.

Aren’t these pages just for kids? Well, if they are, then why do I have access? Have you read the papers or turned on a TV in the last century? There are predators out there.

He didn’t do it; it was a friend of his who wrote it. So when it was discovered why wasn’t it removed?

There is a lot of pressure out there and she just wants to fit in. So in her circles of influence fitting in means what exactly?

Pastor Susan you are funny of course not but you know! No, I really don’t.

Not one, not one single parent, reacted in shock or surprise and went to change things for their child. This child’s reputation is harmed and the results in a small town are devastating.  I read recently that Facebook is checked in consideration of college admission. So a post can be damaging on so many levels.

I am not just picking on anyone either. These parents are just a reflection of the rest of our society. Parents just either don’t know what to do or don’t want to be bothered. I think the greatest failure in America is that we decided we were our children’s friends. The problem with that thought process is that we aren’t. Or what I should say is, that we weren’t designed to be. We were called to be parents.

1 Corinthians 4:15 There are a lot of people around who can’t wait to tell you what you’ve done wrong, but there aren’t many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God’s Message to you that I became your father.

You know what? They won’t find their own way through life. You’ve got to lead them in the way you’d like for them to go if you want them to be successful. Children have lots of friends but only one set of parents.

The Woman Who Is To Be My Daughter-In-Law

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She may not know this, but I have been praying for her for years now.

She would have be patient as my son has a dominant Phlegmatic temperament. She’d have to be consistent and not one to change her mind often, and she’d have to be confident as Phlegmatics tend to be passive aggressive at times and this would be something to overcome.

I prayed that she would love the Lord as much as my son did. He has been called to ministry and he loves Jesus with his whole being. He loves seeing people come to Christ and he is active and involved in his church. I prayed for a good help meet.

I prayed she would be faithful. This legacy of divorce that hounds our family needs to end. I drew a line in the sand once I got saved and asked the Lord to change the path for our family to the thousandth generation.

I prayed she would be kind. Of course a mother prays for that quality in her children’s mates, as they will lead her grandchildren, and I want them led well.

I prayed she would be educated. My son loves politics, and books, and news, and sports. She’ll have to be well-rounded and able to hold her own convictions during conversations that often turn into deep discussions.

I prayed that love would overshadow the trials that come naturally when two dwell together. I prayed love would be enough, even when it wasn’t. I pray even now, that they both remember the love they have for one another always.

I prayed she loved video games a little less than he does.

I prayed she would want children and want to raise them, not hand them over to daycare.

I prayed she’d be a good fit for our family and be family oriented. Not one who wants to set the family apart but one that wants to be a part of ours.

I prayed she was sensible and not be prone to unreasonable arguments and drama. I prayed she wouldn’t come on the scene too soon, so that he would recognize her and his need for her.

I prayed she’d be practical and they would be able to work as a team towards common goals.

I prayed she’d have her own interests and friends, I didn’t want them to have conflicts in this area and I didn’t want either of them stuck at home while the other was out and about.

I prayed she was respectful and had a great sense of humor. I prayed she would laugh at the contradictions of who my son is. His quirky habits and sense of humor.

I prayed she’d overlook his faults and his mother. Maybe that should have been at the top of my list.

In less than two months, my son will marry his bride. My heart is filled with the goodness of God. He has given me my heart’s desire and more. Frances is beautiful, brilliant, and loved by us. She hasn’t had a bit of bridezilla attitude and she seems genuinely happy to be with my son. That’s really all I could ask for. Now that the wedding is at hand, I will begin praying for their marriage all the while praising the Lord for his mercy and grace on my life! We are a blessed family.

But What If I Don’t Wanna?

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With not an inch of space to walk and the stench of a locker room emanating from the boy’s room, kitchen counters sticky from lemonade making and gently asking for two weeks daily for the sugar spilled on the kitchen table to be picked up before we were visited by ants, I finally flipped out. Granted, the sugar spills were daily in a new location and the sticky countertop was wherever the lemonade had made that day, at 17 you’d think he would pick stuff up right? Wrong!

My 17 year-old said, “You act as if we are doing this TO YOU. We aren’t. We simply don’t think about it. My teacher says you should only do what you are passionate about. Nothing else. I am trying to live that.”

I said, “Yeah well your teacher lies because he can’t say everything he does he is passionate about.”

“Yes he can, he loves teaching!!”

“He may love teaching but does he love getting to work on time, having meetings, meeting deadlines, and all that goes with that? Your dad loves preaching but he hates parts of his job. He does them because they allow him to pursue his passion. With everything you do, there are parts of it that aren’t so great but you do them to get to do what you want.”

“NO! He really doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“Whatever! Do you have groceries in this house?”

“Yes”

“Have you had them here for the last 10 years?”

“Yes”

“Well, I hate grocery shopping so what if I just stop doing that? Since it isn’t my passion?”

The eyes begin to look desperately for the next argument to prove his point.

“You see, you want more responsibility but you aren’t handling what you’ve been given. Until I see that you are taking care of this stuff, I can’t give you more.”

Yes, sometimes we look more like the Roseanne Barr Show than the average family.

There’s a bigger issue here. You see, we’ve created this monster, and it’s not just in our home, it’s in your home as well, and in many other homes. It’s the American spirit that has brought us to this mess. It’s this ideal that I was created to only do what I want to do and we should all live out our lives happy and entitled. Dishes should magically clean themselves and beds should come with a remote control that pull the sheets up. Work should be an afterthought or for the idiots who haven’t figured out what they were created to do.

And just to be clear here, I am not asking for perfection. I’m fine with closing the door to the kids rooms, but when the smell starts creeping down the stairs or when the dirty stinky shirt is on the kid who needs a ride in my car, it’s then that I have an issue.

There are things we do, not because we want to, but because we are part of a community and that requires the good of the whole, not the one. We need to get back to center and it starts in our home first.

It’s A Lie

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Most weeks, two or three come in. For the most part, they’re filled out by women. Primarily they’re checked single with children. I’m talking about benevolence forms. These are forms asking the church for assistance.

We have a team of volunteers that works to get these forms processed. I’m not involved with the process itself, but I see how carefully the team works to choose who qualifies for assistance.

Society tells us that men are unnecessary. We can do this parenting thing alone. We don’t need a man. They’re a nice accessory. After all, they only want one thing right? They cheat, they lie, they don’t work hard enough. Yet, could it be that our expectations are so low when choosing whom to father our children, that we choose a man who is ill equipped? That choice leaves us vulnerable. We can blame the down economy but single women with children have always ranked highest amongst those living below the poverty level.

I read these forms with great sadness. Generally speaking the average seems to be three children, two fathers, never married, no one pays child support, and she has never worked or barely worked because someone had to take care of those babies. There is a hardness and a sadness about her story and when I see her, she’s lost the sparkle in her eye. Yet, society tells her she can do it all by herself.

Could it be that God designed sex within the context of marriage to alleviate this pain? Could it be that in his infinite wisdom and compassion he was looking to save us and our children from this struggle, this life of poverty?

It seems judgmental, even to my own eyes, when I read what I have written here today, and yet, life takes some planning. We, as the church, help with what we can, in terms of goods and services, but it’s a band-aid on a more critical wound. We all make mistakes and we all have to live out those consequences. How do we educate the next generation that just because he says, I love you in the backseat of his mom’s car, doesn’t mean that it’s the right time to awaken love? How do we change the lie, and it is a lie, that life will go on as planned? How do we change the story? Even among my Christian friends, they say sex before marriage is unreasonable and unattainable. A nice thought in theory, but not practical in life. We all stand in freakish awe when someone publicly declares that they are going to wait until they get married to have sex. Surely there is something wrong with them, because we are too smart to fall for a lie.

Women suffer, children suffer even more so, yet we plow forward thinking this time it will be different for her. It’s a lie. There is an enemy of your soul who desires to destroy your dream. There is a Dream Giver who is calling you to take more care. Who will you believe and what has to change within you? Within us?

Happy Birthday Casey

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Today my daughter, Cassandra Allyse, turns 26! Where did the time go? I love her just because she is. Long gone are the days of the little girl who didn’t want to have pigtails because she didn’t want pigs on her. So instead she decided to rename the pigtails do to “two ponytails on the side”. She also gave herself the name Casey Lulu. And now everyone knows where Lulu the Wonder dog got her name. It was out of the response of a mother who longed for her Lulu and created a substitute.

She lives life on her terms. She wonderful, amazing, hard working and brilliant. Love you with all my heart Caseylulu!