The Selfie-ish Generation

July 15, 2014July 15, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Duck Face Diva? This woman may never be out of the internet spotlight thanks to her memorable mugshot --> http://abc30.tv/1nqxDTI — Duck Face Diva?
This woman may never be out of the internet spotlight thanks to her memorable mugshot –> http://abc30.tv/1nqxDTI

I stepped out and said it. I did. I posted on my Facebook page that I was proud of Pastor Rob Cox, who pastors a group of young adults training for ministry at his church A Place Of Refuge, for all that he is doing. I also commended him for making a rule of no selfies for the seminary students.

I swim upstream here. I know I do. I don’t mind an occasional selfie. A profile pic, a picture on vacation, but I have an issue with the obsession of it.

Romans 7:9 I was alive once without the law, but when the commandment came, sin revived and I died.

Matthew Henry’s commentary on this scripture says:

Paul describes himself as in sensible of the corruption of his nature till he saw himself in the glass of the law (Rom. 7:9 ): “I was alive without the law; that is, I took all to be right with me, and thought myself not only clean, but, compared with the generality of the world, beautiful too; but when the commandment came, when the glass of the law was set before me, then sin revived, and I died —then I saw my spots and deformities, and discovered that amiss in myself which before I was not aware of; and such was the power of the law, and of sin, that I then perceived myself in a state of death and condemnation.’’ Thus, when we attend to the word of God, so as to see ourselves, our true state and condition, to rectify what is amiss, and to form and dress ourselves anew by the glass of God’s word, this is to make a proper use of it.

There is this look at me mentality that we need to overcome. All of us. And I’m not the only voice speaking. In an article by Stephen Miller True Worship in a Selfie World he writes:

This is the world in which we live, the world of the selfie.

The world where people take something that is not about them and make it about them through the lens of their camera.

Grown men pose with their best “Blue Steel” smolder while the tip of Paris’s breath-taking Eiffel Tower protrudes from the side of their heads like a tiny, awkwardly placed steel horn.

Teenage girls attempt their cutest look while a singular stone column of Rome’s ancient, awe-inspiring Colosseum is barely visible in the background.

We are not seeing the world through their eyes so much as seeing their eyes blocking the world.

And there is my point. I want to see the world through your eyes when I’m talking to you. Facebook is considered a one on one conversation with your closest friends. It’s the new water cooler meeting, the new breakroom chatter. I want to read about what you see in the world. I want to read about your thoughts on current events. I want to know what you think about issues that face our world. I want to read about how you are working in your area of ministry. As my friend Adrienne Piasta says, “tell me something good”. So I take the time to read my newsfeed and day after day I read, “I love myself.” Well, that’s great. I’m truly happy for you, the first 10 times, but after awhile I want to know if there is anything else going on around you? I want to know if you care about others? I want to know what you have going on today. I want to know about your goals. I want to know what you’re reading, what you’re learning, that you need prayer or you’re stuck in traffic and need a misery buddy for an hour. I love you, I think you are beautiful, but you don’t need constant approval….

Or do you?

So, I honor Pastor Rob Cox who is trying to change a generation’s view. I honor the Apostle Paul who said and I paraphrase, “I thought I looked okay until I looked in the mirror of the Word of God and then I realized there is a bigger picture.”

Stephen Miller ends his article perfectly:

May we all resist the temptation to fill the frame with our face, but rather fill our minds with his eternal glory, and never stop repeating the refrain of John 3:30:

“He must increase. I must decrease.”
“He must increase. I must decrease.”
“He must increase. I must decrease.”

Watered

June 17, 2014June 18, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

This morning I woke up to doves calling on the rooftop of our home. The wind was blowing, the sun was coming up. I opened my eyes and could hear Lulu the Wonder Dog snoring on her bed, my husband was snuggled up in our blue comforter, his hand gently on my arm. The great part about this man of mine is he always needs to know I am there even if it’s just his foot touching mine. I lied still and said “Thank you Jesus”. In this brief moment before treadmills and agendas and meals and real life I am watered in the beauty of the life we have built, in the garden of our Creator. I wake up slowly, grab my gear and head downstairs to start coffee, start a load of laundry and get on the treadmill. If this were the sum of the good in my life, I am blessed.

I have lived in this little town for 20 years now. I have deep friendships, favorite places to go, neighbors whose names I know, clerks at the grocery store whom I know by name. I am part of this community. The community however didn’t come out to embrace me, I had to embrace my community.

Yes, we don’t have a lot of services that many bigger cities have. Yes, we are in the poorest county of California. Yes, we have a huge disparity between the haves and the have nots but what are those things to someone who can make a difference? I have a choice to make each day. I can choose to move forward and make a difference, or shut my curtains and complain. Face it, even in this town, we suffer in luxury. I can choose to water, or I can drink it all and not share it. My choice.

I remember when I first moved here. I loved the amount of house I could afford on my salary. Yes, there would be an almost 2 hour commute one way but what did that matter? I was going to own a home. The reality of that quickly set in but we muddled through and our neighbors helped. In no time I had people who I could count on to help in a pinch.

My children were raised here and they are people of good character. They have been shaped by a community who took care of their children. I heard a story a friend told recently about how the bus driver would tell her parents when she didn’t get on the bus for school, after her parents had sent her to school. These are things we can count on when we live in close proximity. Yes, sometimes that ‘everybody knows everything’ attitude can be annoying but it can save lives as well. Small town living is not for everyone. Some people complain daily about their plight.

My husband tells a story of an old dog on a porch howling in pain. A man walks up to the dog and says, “Why are you howling? How can I help you?” The dog says, “I’m sitting on a nail and it’s stabbing my side.” The man says, “Why don’t you get up and move?” The dog answers, “It’s easier to sit here and howl.”

I live in a small town with many people who enjoy living here. I am well watered in this field. If I didn’t like living here I would move. I am not a victim. No one twisted my arm to live here. I am not a tree and I can move if I’m unhappy.

Up and Down Emotionally

June 13, 2014June 13, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Luke 6:45 A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.

People who know me say I don’t like emotions. That’s incorrect. I think emotions can lie and we need perspective. Think about it, I can be having a good day, have one bad thing happen and emotionally crumble into agreements of “I never have a good day” and “Something always ruins my fun”, then receive good news and change again. I become a shaky person who doesn’t have control of situations when my emotions are guided by circumstances that are temporary. Of course we cry and grieve when we have a deep loss, but if not getting our way causes a good cry we have a problem. Of course we rejoice at weddings, the birth of a baby, and celebrations of many kinds but if that is our only high point in life we have a problem.

I read this today and thought it was so right on so I wanted to share:

Out-of-control emotions are the product of a heart which is not saturated with Scripture. The way to control our emotions is to control our minds, renewing them by the daily input of scriptural principles, the knowledge of God, and meditation on His attributes. Then the Holy Spirit, along with the Word of God, will bring about appropriate emotions based on truth. When we immerse ourselves in the only means of our sanctification—the Bible—we arm ourselves with the only effective weapon against out-of-control emotions. Then we can control our emotions instead of them controlling us. In themselves, emotions are not unbiblical, but they are indications of what is in our hearts. ~Matthew Houdmanm

Often the overreaction we have to people emotionally is not in what they have said to us but rather it’s filtered through a mindset of the unresolved issues we have about how we feel about ourselves. Sadly, this is not something God caused or created in us. This is something we are refusing to let go of in spite of the Holy Spirit’s work in us.

Unfortunately, as our society becomes more self-absorbed, we will continue to be extremely emotional. When we are taught that we get a trophy every time we go up to bat we are in for a big wakeup call when we go to our first job and they tell us not to do something the way we’re used to doing it. We will take it as a criticism and crumble and quit. When we don’t get to leave our toys on the floor and not have someone calls us on it, we develop a ideal where everyone needs to accept our behavior and any type of correction to the contrary, regardless of how it is conveyed, is processed through an overly sensitive mindset as evil. We need to teach how put things in perspective. It isn’t always that serious of a deal. Unless we are ruled by our emotions.

Women in Community

June 6, 2014June 5, 2014 tlc4women3 Comments

This saying hangs on a plaque in my office. It’s an homage to my mom and her sisters.

I was raised by a mother who had three sisters and seven brothers. Those four women were extremely close, my Aunt Margaret has passed away but they still miss her profoundly. I was raised right alongside my cousins. Although we are cousins, we are a lot like siblings in the way we were raised as the sisters had no issue in mothering each other’s children. I began to think about this community of women recently. How each of them have poured into my life and shaped the woman I am today.

Women have the ability to shape and influence a tribe and these women certainly did. They were all very different in their approach to mothering but they all had one common goal to make sure we were loved.

There is a strong bond between these women. None of us will ever know the secrets these sisters have kept for each other. They have their occasional arguments among each other but they have always worked them out… among each other. I can call my aunts with a problem even today and the question is always, “Have you told your mother?” They have fierce loyalty. It is nothing to walk into a room and have them all look up from a serious conversation and stop talking. Their topics are their topics. Yet, when I have found myself in trouble, I could run to any of them and find love and comfort and advice.

I remember as a teen, the first person I told I was pregnant was my Aunt Margaret. She gasped, burst into tears and held me tight. Her words to me were, “Don’t worry. We’ll get through this.” Then later after the shock wore off she said, “You big dummy.”

It was just recently when I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor that my Tia Pearl, called me on the phone one morning and said quietly and seriously, “Susie, your mom told us about what is going on. Now I need to hear from you what is happening.” When I explained, her next words were, “Why didn’t you call me?” When I explained she said, “Okay Mija (my daughter), do you need me to come up? I can go to the doctors with you.” At the end of the conversation I heard, “Next time call me okay?”

My Nina Delores handled the tumor news in a completely different way. She sent a card. She loves to send and receive mail. Her card read, “Susie, your mom told us what is happening. I am praying and you need to call or come over. We are family.” It’s the same message, different approach.

From these sisters I have learned to be a friend. I have learned to tell the truth even when it isn’t popular, and to stand strong when someone can’t. I have learned to be a voice when someone has no words. I have boldness because these women were never afraid and I have strength because these women are pillars in their family and community.

I don’t know what makes sisters so close. I’ve seen sisters who are in constant competition with each other. I just know I was blessed to be my mom’s daughter and to have aunts who have loved me generously.

When I talk to my friends about “The Sisters”, they laugh and tell me I make them sound like the Joy Luck Club. I don’t know about that, but I know I have some pretty high heels to fill and I know they have prepared me to walk in them.

The Life Of Party

May 28, 2014June 1, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

You know the type, they walk into a room full of strangers with a smile. For them, this is a chance to make 100 new besties.

Yeah that’s not me.

I am friendly but I am not the life of the party. Even as a kid I would select a friend or two to play with. I wasn’t aloof, I joined clubs, participated in school plays but you’d never see me as the actor. I’d be narrator or the director off to the side.

Some filter this behavior as anti-social and therefore label it as stuck up. It isn’t stuck up at all though. I am just not the life of the party. I am an observer. I am the one who if I am having a dinner party, I cheat and stack the deck. I invite those who will carry the conversation along. In other words, I invite the host or hostess to my party and make sure they have everything they need.

These days it’s my friend Vikki. Vikki will talk to anyone. She and her husband Alec will mingle and make sure everyone has a touch. Vikki will also entertain me by coming around and making comments to me like she’s talking about someone else. For example, Vikki will say: “Whew! Vikki is sweating over here.” or “Vikki thinks you should have served more fruit.” She says it in a sing/song voice which always makes me laugh so in essence she even hosts me at my own party. It works.

I will, on the other hand, find that one person sitting alone and go make a conversation. I’m good at the one on one.

The stretch for me is walking into a crowd and going and shaking hands and introducing myself and making small talk. So now picture my life. I’m on staff as a pastor at a church with about 250 people each Sunday on average. This is where I found myself in a lesson last week.

My devotional that week was this scripture:

Matthew 14:13 When Jesus heard it, He departed from there by boat to a deserted place by Himself. But when the multitudes heard it, they followed Him on foot from the cities. 14 And when Jesus went out He saw a great multitude; and He was moved with compassion for them, and healed their sick. 15 When it was evening, His disciples came to Him, saying, “This is a deserted place, and the hour is already late. Send the multitudes away, that they may go into the villages and buy themselves food.” 16 But Jesus said to them, “They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat.” 17 And they said to Him, “We have here only five loaves and two fish.”

So the question becomes what do you do when you’re called out of your comfort zone and don’t have the tools? You trust Jesus and stretch and go to work. I can teach a class, I can lead a meeting but it’s not natural. It’s the 10,000 hours that you put in to a skill to have mastery. It’s not that you’re that good, it’s that you’ve practiced enough to make it.

Rights and Responsibilities

May 9, 2014May 9, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

“The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of Hell, a hell of Heaven.” —John Milton

John Milton was on to something with this thought process. So often in our attempt to control and manipulate we think we know what we really don’t know. This is nothing new, it’s been this way since the beginning of time.

Genesis 1:26 Then God said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness; let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

You were made in the image of God so why are you struggling with the opinion of man? I never see God struggle with the opinion of man. God knows he’s God. You were created in His image. You are the manifestation of that image on the earth. We are kings of a King.

Yet, there is this allowance of opinion that infiltrates our mind, causing such an uproar to our lives. Often times, religious types are quick to judge that which they haven’t yet accepted authority over as a fact in their own life, thereby projecting their fear on us. Only we must remember that we were made in the image of God. I don’t see where God worried, or feared anything. Instead he took charge over it. Hell was not ever breaking loose in God’s realm and neither does it have authority in our realm. Unless we give it room to play. Why do we believe the opinion of man when it doesn’t mirror the opinion of God? Because we haven’t yet consulted our owner’s manual to find out how things work.

If you live for the approval of others you will die by their rejection. ~ Rick Warren

The kingdom of Heaven is not something that we are waiting for. It is something within you that is creating positive changes in your environment. It should be bearing fruit. So often there are hearers of the word of God who run around telling others how to live their lives but because they lack the ability to be doers of the word, there is nothing solid on which to build a foundation. When you listen to a voice who tells you are doing things wrong, first check to see if their lives are bearing the fruit of the word?

I know people who say they are followers of Christ but they have a bad reputation among the people. My husband is from Louisiana so he’s says things in a southern way, he says, “broke, busted, and can’t be trusted.” They talk a good game but it avails them nothing as there is no fruit that is worth eating on their tree. They are in violation of the third commandment of taking the Lord’s name in vain. Yet, they project their fears and ungodly opinions on others. What makes us take their word as having any value at all?

I know others who quietly live out their faith in little acts of authority and obedience that produce great results of winning others to God. They took their commission seriously and are making disciples. Want to know their secret? They are disciples. You can’t lead someone to discipleship if you refuse to be a disciple.

So what are your rights and responsibilities as kings of a King? You have a right to live freely among men and you have a responsibility to represent your King admirably, allowing his definition of you be the last word. You have a right to bind those things on earth that are not of God and you have a responsibility to loose those things on earth that produce kingdom results.

Christianity Leaves Where Facebook Begins

April 23, 2014April 23, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

It’s not as simple as deleting a post or tweet. – Jake Iversen

I took a break from Social Media at the end of the year. I couldn’t take the whining and complaining and the perfection of selfies anymore. Not just others either, my own. I found myself wanting to respond in a negative way and it was no longer fun, nor good. Social media tends to leave manners at the door, and I was no exception. I have gone back on now and I’ve decided not to engage the meanies nor be one either. Some hot topics I will reserve for dinner conversations, live and in person because I have an opinion but sometimes I need you to hear my tone.

In church for the past month my husband has said every single Sunday, that if we have an issue with a brother, we are to go to that person as directed in the bible, not to Facebook. These are the kinds of things that people see and read and cause them to call us hypocrites.

They’d be right.

We can defend nothing.

We use people like pawns, those people who know nothing about the situation rush to the defense of the person who wrote the “cryptic” message, making the writer feel justified. Those who know what’s going on begin to text and call each other. Sadly it sets up a battle right in the middle of the congregation.

Which is exactly what the person posting wanted to have happen.

They won’t go face to face and confront but

anyone can be an attacker.

And it’s not just the church I attend, or the one you attend, or the one your friend attends, this is acceptable behavior in the Christian community, just as it is in any community these days. Only for us who call ourselves followers of Christ it’s not scriptural nor does it follow the example of Christ. And we think we invoke Jesus justifiably. We’ll preface it by saying, “I’m waiting on God’s will for this situation”, or “Is God trying to tell me something?” “I’m praying about what to do.” Then we proceed with the modern day Holy War.

So when I took my social media break, I thought about not coming back on. I didn’t want to contribute to the negative stereotypes of Christians and because I have a sarcastic sense of humor and very opinionated views, it doesn’t always translate well on paper. Even more than that, I didn’t like how it made me feel and react.

We need to weigh our words. They aren’t anonymous and you can hurt people with them. You become a publisher and it’s more than ink on a page. It’s there for as long as the Internet is around, and right now, it isn’t going anywhere.

Adored

April 9, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Last night, Doug and I went to see Rob Thomas. It was a fantastic acoustic set. I mean seriously, in our time, he is a master of his craft and I would have expected no less but it was even more than I thought it would be. Doug, my sheltered pastor husband, who has a limited knowledge of secular music didn’t know who we were going to see. “Rob who?”, he asked. I laughed, “Remember last year on The Voice, he helped Ceelo?” “I can’t remember last week.”

So in the middle of the set Rob Thomas plays and sings, Lonely No More. I don’t even know what happened honestly but I had a flashback that was actually a God moment in which he wanted to reveal something to me. A healing. I rarely have these types of moments, but I was taken back to the moment in which it happened.

I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna have to pay for this
I don’t want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list

I don’t wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don’t want to be lonely anymore

In that moment, I remember being very unsure of my relationship with Doug. There were parts of it that seemed unbelievable. The level of love I felt and I wasn’t sure I could trust it. There were so many complications to our relationship and I wasn’t sure I was up to it. He sensed it, or maybe he knew because after all he studies people for a living. In the middle of the doubt he looked me square in the eye and said so seriously,

“Your problem is that you’ve never been adored before. I am going to spend my life showing you what that feels like.”

That was the flashback moment. I was my dad’s favorite kid. I was loved by my family, but adored? I don’t think I even understood the word.

A-dored

verb – to regard with utmost esteem, love, and respect; honor.

No, I had never been adored. I had never had a relationship in which even in the troubles, there was utmost esteem, love and respect. I had loved and I had been loved, but I had never been able to fully trust, until now. I had never had a man trip over himself to make me his, to work so hard to take every single trouble away and honor me the way he does. I was having a moment, a revelation, holding my husband’s hand at a concert last night. Then it happened:

Rob Thomas’ guitar began the intro to Smooth his collaboration with Santana. Suddenly Doug sits up, “Hey! I know a song.” Then Rob tells a story that brings me back to reality.

He says he had flown to San Francisco to meet with Carlos Santana and possibly work on the song he’d written for him, Smooth. He says Carlos Santana walked into the room and said, “You’re married to a Latina aren’t you?” Rob Thomas said, “Yes, I’m married to a Puerto Rican.” Carlos Santana replied, “I knew it, no man writes a lyric, ‘I would change my life to better suit your mood’, if he wasn’t married to a Latina.” To which my husband snickered and squeezed my knee.

Really? We had to go there?

I Want To Marry You

April 7, 2014April 5, 2014 tlc4women2 Comments

The most precious thing you have in your life is time.

You can’t get moments back. You have to make sure that your life is heading in the direction of forward progress toward your goals.

I recently spoke to a woman who has dated her boyfriend for five years. She wants a ring. Her boyfriend is happy with the way things are. He’s not in a rush and says it will happen ‘one day’. This causes an argument. So I asked her why she was waiting and why she thought he was THE ONE.

She loves him.

She sees herself driving his kids around in a minivan.

He has a good job.

He loves God.

They have a lot in common.

They love jogging together after work.

They attend the same church.

Their families get along.

They believe the same things.

WAIT!!!!! WAIT!!!! WAIT!!!!

I had to stop her right there.

They have a ton of stuff in common. They love to talk to each other. They love to spend time together, and although all that is true, I have no reason to believe she is lying to herself or to me, they aren’t heading to the same place. You see, even though they have lots of things in common, they are not headed in the same direction. Even though they love each other, their destination is different. She wants marriage, he still hasn’t figured out he needs a wife. She can whine, stomp her feet, and give him an ultimatum and he may cave, but they both will know they manipulated a situation and that is no way to live.

Neither of them is a bad person. Neither of them is wrong. The only problem here, and it’s the deal breaker, is they don’t have commonality in the goal. So this relationship needs to end. Why? Because all we have is time and wasting it in the push and pull of trying to get someone to go your way, only delays your destiny to find the person who really is the one for you.

I once heard Bishop T.D. Jakes say about letting go of relationships, “Don’t abort the future on the altar of your past.” This isn’t just good advice in a romantic relationship. This addresses all relationships. Not everyone is going with you and you’re not going with everyone no matter how much we love them and how much it hurts to part. There are people in your life with whom you are at a fork in the road with and some are going your way, and others aren’t, don’t change your destiny in a compromise. The misdirection will waste time and cause resentment over time.

Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, unless they are agreed. NKJV

No one is evil, it’s just that their destiny is parting from yours. You never know if this is a forever thing, or for a period of time, in either case, choose God’s will rather than yours. In time, you’ll see why it wasn’t meant to be.

The Pastor’s Wife

April 4, 2014March 29, 2014 tlc4womenLeave a comment

October is the month we have Pastor’s Appreciation Month and I know it’s April, but actually, we need to be praying for our pastors all the time because they have a tough job. While not being physically exhausting most days, it’s mentally challenging and emotionally charged. And while you’re there, pray for his wife too. That’d be me.

Today I woke up with the burden of the Pastor’s wife on my heart. She is in a unique position. She watches her husband from a vantage point that no one else really gets to see. She watches as he walks the line that is unpopular in our culture. She watches as people from the outside presume to know what he is about. She watches as his critics swim like sharks who see chum in the water. Most days, she’s able to pray and walk forward with her day. Other days, she is exhausted at the prospect before the day even gets started. She shares her life with a man who has a calling on his life. It’s not like a job where he can go home and let it go. It follows him everywhere. She watches as he paces the floor in prayer and wonders what the stress is doing to his body.

Yet her life is blessed as she stands secure in the fact that her husband follows the One true desire of her heart, Jesus. She has that in common with him as they move the Kingdom forward. She loves her church family with her whole heart. She rests in knowing that they have placed their trust where she has and that is a big obligation he carries. She understands that although her church needs her, her first duty is to her husband. She knows she must keep him healthy, keep him loved, keep him in her prayers and undergird his desires.

Recently someone said to me that I didn’t understand what she and other women had to go through. They have been hurt, they had been stabbed in the back and that they have had words spoken over them that they didn’t feel they deserved. I smiled and offered to pray. Inwardly, I wondered what makes her think I don’t go through this stuff? Some of the things a Pastor’s wife is told would make your hair curl. The criticism thrown at her, her children, and her husband would be laughable it it weren’t so painful. Just because she isn’t publicly bleeding doesn’t mean she isn’t wounded. She chooses to suck it up and move forward because the One she follows had a lot of heartache too, but recognized a short time frame when he saw one. Unfortunately, I’ve seen my share of wives get off the ride and decide to do something else because of the stress and pressure on her marriage and her family.

So today, my hat is off to all of you who are married to a Pastor. It’s a blessing to know you. It’s a blessing to pray for you. More importantly, it’s a blessing to be counted among you. I truly love each and everyone of you. May God continue to fashion you into His leading lady.