Category: Daily Living

Will The Real Man Please Stand Up

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I’ve been watching with curiosity a trend that seems to happening in the males of our species. I’m not exactly sure when it started or why but I find by the whole thing strange.

The first thing I saw was that our boys were really emotional. They cry for everything. Yes, we want our boys to be able to cry and not hold things in but they cry over things that don’t seem to be important. They cry when the vending machine is out of their favorite soda and they have to pick another. Is that really an issue to cry over? What is going to happen when life doesn’t hand you what you want and you’re a father of three kids?

In counseling I am talking to married men on a regular basis who say things like, “I hate my job and I am seriously thinking about quitting because I deserve to be happy.” Yes, it would be great to be happy but you have a wife and kids and you are the sole support of your family. YOU CAN’T JUST QUIT! I don’t think my grandfather ever once came home and threatened to quit his job. He understood his role in his family as the support of the home. He probably hated his jobs. He worked out in the fields and drove truck and was a card dealer at night I would bet that it was a pretty miserable to work two jobs and sleep in the cab of your truck as they loaded up your trailers yet not once did I hear him complain. His words to us were simply, “I am working hard to provide opportunities for you so that you don’t have to work this hard.” Since when do emotions enter into sustenance decisions that affect our families?

In speaking to Pastor Doug he felt that there was a shift when men were told they weren’t sensitive enough. So we created a generation of emotional males. I agree he is probably right but there is a problem with that. When a man thinks emotionally he thinks irrationally. Men tend to problem focus while women tend to emotionally focus. When a man thinks emotionally he doesn’t think clearly and it frustrates him  and therefore runs the risk of making rash decisions that ultimately hurt the family.

I think there has to be a happy medium. Yes, I believe men have emotions and they need to express them appropriately. It’s normal to cry when your dog dies, when your mom dies, when something is truly sad. It’s not okay to cry when Chili’s is out of baby back ribs. It’s not okay to cry when your baby needs diapers and you have to spend your poker money on them. No one has ever promised you that life would be fair. Life is just but it’s not fair. So your best friend got a Wii for Christmas and you didn’t. It’s okay, your day will come and you’ll get it too. This is nothing to cry about.

I am not in any way including tender-hearted men in this blog. Some men are just touched by sensitive things. The difference is they cry over a baby’s birth or a sad movie not whether they can go golfing or not. I am talking about the crying over life’s issues that just happen. I am talking to the women raising men. If your son didn’t clean his room and wants to go to the movies and your deal was he had to clean his room, no amount of crying should move you to change the deal. These aren’t things to cry about and we need to teach this. These are simply consequences.

I don’t know if I am the only one who thinks this, but this is a very serious issue to me. I see men not stepping up to the plate as men because they don’t “feel” like it. As a woman I am wondering what happens to our children when men seek their own happiness over their the well-being of their family. It used to be that a man would abandon his family very rarely. It was an oddity. Now not having a dad is pretty normal, most births in America are to single moms. The number one thing I hear when a father doesn’t want to be a dad is because he isn’t getting his way. A few years ago I heard a man say, “Well, she bought clothes for the baby and so I spent the same amount on a couple of tickets to the WWE, it’s only fair.” Want to see my head explode? This is a good way to see it happen. We have work to do or rather undo.

Boundaries Part 2

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To read part 1 click here.

So what are some boundaries to consider discussing before you get married and blend a family? Here are some basic questions to get you started but there are many, many more and it is wise to begin to get a list together.

Will children have their own rooms or will they share?

Who will clean the room?

Are children allowed to play with each other’s things without permission?

If a child visits on weekends, will that child have special exemptions from the everyday household chores of the children who live in the home permanently?

Will the children be allowed to bring their pets from their other family home on visits?

Will the non-biological parent be allowed to discipline the children?

What does discipline look like to you?

What do children’s chores look like to you?

Are you allowed to open each other’s mail?

Are there certain things that are off limits? For example, can children come into your room and get your favorite lipstick, razor, blouse, watch?

How much input, into your new marriage, is allowed to be made by your former spouses?

Is a pet snake an acceptable family pet?

How will holidays be handled?

How much is too much to spend on clothing, video games, Christmas?

You can see how problems can arise quickly and escalate into pitting two camps against each other. Nothing is too petty to discuss at this point. It is no wonder we find Lady Tremaine angry when we meet her. I don’t believe any woman sets out to marry a man with children just to torment them and herself.

Finally, a word of warning, do not put this off or think it’s going to work out on it’s own. It just isn’t. Also beware that if you are compromising your answers to get this marriage started, you will face the consequences later. It is much better to discuss and find out that although you love each other, this will not work, than it is to drag yourself and your family through another divorce.

Finally, if you are already married, it is never too late to sit down calmly, not during a battle, and strategize. You already know what the issues are, now it’s time to lay them on the table and come to reasonable solutions.

Nurture

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Sitting in the nail salon, a beautiful young woman comes over, “Oh, I want to see your nails and what you’re getting done.” I smiled and showed off my pink nails with black and white stripes and out of my mouth came the strangest thing, laughing I said, “You’re so beautiful! Look at you, all tan and pretty.” I don’t know why I said, it is so out of my character but here I sit and only God knows.

She answered, “Oh, you say that because you’re American. If you were Filipino you wouldn’t say that. I am too dark, plus I play sports in college and so I am outside a lot. You have no idea how many whitening creams I’ve tried. Nothing works. Americans all say they wished they had my skin but my mom says to cover up.”

“Are you kidding? Most people pay big bucks and never get your skin color. You are gorgeous!”

She smiled a great big smile.

Okay, now I know why I said what I said. Here stood this beautiful girl, early 20’s, I later find out, with the perfect body and long dark hair, great personality, outgoing and friendly and she needed a little nurture from a mom figure.

Daughters of the Most High King, who are you nurturing today?

Detached Emotions

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I had a long drive yesterday to pick up tile to finish the fellowship hall. Flipping through radio stations, I stopped at the Oprah Channel and listened to a show with Dr. Laura Berman. The topic interested me because she was going to interview 20 something women on issues of sexuality.

It wasn’t long into the show before I was very saddened by what I was hearing. In modern-day sexuality of friends with benefits and one night stands, where does that leave a young women? I heard these young women make comments like, “All my other sexual partners…”, “How do I tell him that I find (fill in the blank) strange?”. It wasn’t that I was thinking they’d had so many partners, it was that I saw the discomfort. On the one hand, they are having sex, the most intimate thing you can do with a man, and they can’t talk about their feelings. One woman said she was able to have multiple partners because she was able to emotionally detach.

Yet, the thing the that blew me away was that sex wasn’t about pleasure for them. In the group only one woman had achieved an orgasm. Dr. Berman said this is typical and meets the studies. Although it wasn’t spoken, it sounded to me that it was more about expectation than it was about anything else.

While there are some who read this site that will think this isn’t a topic for Christian site, I disagree. I don’t think the women in the church do much better in this area, but if we keep quiet it will never get better. Teaching why something is the way it is makes it understandable. If we keep pointing to scripture without explanation it will never get better. I believe we have to explain why.

Sex sells, no doubt about it, from perfume to hamburgers we are inundated with sexual images in the media. When sex becomes casual and not profound then you begin to detach. When you unlock doors prematurely, with images brought on too early, desires awakening before they are understood, pressures from society that tell you sex is no big deal and love that awakens before it so desires, Song 2:7, 3:5, 8:4, through consent or through pain, then you begin to shut off emotionally. This is how we are able to emotionally detach. I don’t think these women were bad, I think these women are asking questions and trying to figure out where they fit in. I don’t think they understand the why of things any better than most.

God put sex in the confines of marriage because it is emotional. Sex is intimate, pleasurable, or should be, sacred and profound. It is not just for having babies, it’s for relationship with your spouse. I know that sounds old-fashioned but the purpose is to save us heartache. God didn’t put sex in marriage to punish us but to protect us. He made woman the last thing he put on earth because she was to be the crown of creation. She was the one who brought peace to man who had discovered there was no mate suitable for him. She was brought on the scene to be the finishing touch, the answer to his longing. Had she been brought on earlier she would have been abused by a man who didn’t understand her purpose, not because men are abusive but because he would not have known better. God brought woman to a man who understood her worth. I can’t imagine not being able to look at my husband in the eye and tell him my desires because we have intimacy and a bond that makes comfort possible.

Sex is a big deal. It’s leaving a part of you with someone else. God isn’t being punitive, he protecting his children from the misunderstandings of a great gift opened too early.

Etiquette Part Deux

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If you’re tuning in late, click here for the first part of this blog.

Today I want to talk about dropping by for a visit.

Don’t drop by for a visit without calling first.

Yes, I know that you’re my cousin, but I might be in my pajamas and I’m too old to answer the door like that. I might be reading a book and want some quiet time. I might be studying as I have a limited amount of time to do that. I might be outside in the backyard with the dogs. I’m not doing anything bad, but I may just want some notice before you stop by.

If you’re in the neighborhood, just call. I can throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt in a heartbeat. If I’m cooking dinner, I can probably whip something up for you as well without much effort. If I’m taking a nap, I may ask if we can postpone. I promise to always do the same for you and I promise that I will never be offended if you have other plans. The key is respect.

Whatever you do, don’t ring and ring and ring and ring and ring the doorbell thinking you will force the person to answer. It’s just plain rude. If you find that you have to drop by, and let’s say the family is sitting at the dinner table, please excuse yourself and come back later. Don’t hover asking them what they are eating or suggest you will wait in the living room until they are finished. In most families with kids, the dinner hour is when the conversations occur. It’s important to a family to have this time, not all the time but often. If you don’t excuse yourself this will cause them to rush, to hush their family conversations and it’s just impolite. One quick phone call makes it all work for everyone!

What’s For Dinner 2

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Oasis making meals for others

In the previous post we ask what you are serving. The disciples begin to pass out the inadequate amount of food to the groups of 50. My perfectionist mind would have been in freak-out mode. Think for a second that it wouldn’t have even fed one group of 50 in the natural realm, but remember as well that it was blessed food. So as they are serving the multitude, the principle of multiplication comes forth and the food stretches to feed everyone, so much so. that the scripture said everyone was satisfied and then the disciples went to pick up the crumbs.

When we put this process in today terms, do you consume everything that is blessed by God or do you take advantage of the multiplicity principle? If we are hoarding the things in our hands then although it’s blessed, it isn’t multiplying is it? If our portion has already been determined then what is the purpose of not serving up a good meal to the millions of people who need what we have in our hands? Why not allow the blessing to flow past us to others? Either we believe our God is one of more than enough or we cling to what we’ve been given.

The other thing I want you to notice is that they went and picked up all of the leftovers. This makes me think that the leftovers were of value as well. So take a look at your life, what do you do with the leftovers? How much money is actually going out that you aren’t even aware of, because to you, they are leftovers and of no value. Ask yourself could someone benefit, even you, from them?

What about your food leftovers? Could you warm them up and take it to the train tracks (for us, that’s where our homeless, drug addicted people gather)? Could you invite a lonely widow to your house to come and share a meal? What about the leftovers in your closet? What outfit would bless someone?

In other words, what is in your hand that you can serve? That was the point Jesus was making in his illustrated sermon. Don’t think your little bit can’t help someone. God has provided what you need, not just for you and your house, but for others as well.

I love, love, love the fact that Jesus said, “You give them something to eat.” I love that he handed the food back, broken and blessed but exactly what was given to him to be served by the ones who had given it him in the first place.

As followers of Christ who profess His name and profess to be sold out to him, I ask what are you serving? Have you consumed all that you’ve been blessed with or have you applied the principle of multiplication to your possessions? Have you had the faith of the impossibility of the moment or have you waffled in fear? It shows me that there is a big difference between success and excess. Just because I have the money for something doesn’t mean I am supposed to spend it there. No, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have nice things, we do, and we can, but what about excess? God provided the food that day for the disciples and there was more than enough but they didn’t throw the leftovers away. They gathered them.

My prayer is that He satisfies you too and that if you aren’t already doing it you will take a step out in faith to serve someone else.

Love At The RMA Store!

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Christopher proposed to Jeannie at the RMA Store! We are so blessed to be a part of these two lives. Two really great people, one really great store and love is the banner over our lives right now! I’m smiling as I write this! I could not be prouder of Jeannie in this moment, I love this girl!

By the way, they asked me to perform the ceremony! Honored and blessed beyond measure!

Our Measure

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This is an article I wrote for Role Models Of America http://www.rolemodelsofamerica.com

You probably don’t even know her name. You’ve probably just heard of her reputation. She is the one by whom we are all measured. We take the story on as fact, never wondering if there was a back-story, and as all tales of evil women go, the man is always missing or is the one being fought over.

Her name was Lady Tremaine. It sounds respectable doesn’t it? It sounds like someone you’d want to meet. Lady Tremaine, the name has an air about it, as if, at some point, it was aristocracy.

Only if it was, when we meet her in the story she has nothing relating to aristocracy besides the fact that she gets an invitation to the ball. By now, if you haven’t figured it out I’m talking about Cinderella’s stepmother. Yes, we all know her as evil and mean and angry. She has a name and like most stories of angst, it seems unimportant.

Only we know that there was progress because the Brother’s Grimm wrote a story about a woodcutter’s wife and she didn’t get a name at all, she is merely known as the evil stepmother. Her stepchildren, Hansel and Gretel were given a loaf of bread and sent out to the witch’s house to be eaten. Now that’s an angry woman!

Unfortunately, those are the characters by which we are measured. Stepmother’s have gotten a bad rap for centuries. Now in 2010, the majority of families in America are stepfamilies and even though we are the majority, there still isn’t a lot of help out there for us stepmoms. Further, there is very little help in the church for us.

I believe that those in the church don’t want to contend with the fact that many marriages are broken and in need of help. We don’t want to acknowledge divorce and death and remarriage, or maybe it’s that the church leaders have never experienced these things and therefore aren’t really sure how to handle it. So most of the advice from the church has been from the perspective of a marriage, but not a second marriage and that, my friends, is a completely different ballgame altogether. Only we must handle it, because there simply is too great a need for some resources and help.

I often wondered why God selected me to become a stepmother and a Pastor’s wife? I believe it was because in this place, not only could I experience the heartache of blending a family, but also write some things down to help others and a platform in which to access the church.

These messages are not popular. We prefer our lives to be of the fairy-tale variety, omitting the ugly part and focusing only on the fact that Cinderella lived happily ever-after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much life experience to realize that it’s not always the plan God has for us. Sometimes, he needs to send someone to walk it out so that they can teach it. He does promise to work it out for us in the end, and the great part is that I sit here as living proof that it does work out, but he never promised that it wouldn’t be painful and life changing. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)

So over the course of time, I will unfold these lessons before you and give you strategy to make it work. After all, 75% of second marriages end in divorce before the 5-year mark. The problem is that statistics also show that it takes about 7 years to blend a family or about 1 year for every age of the child. Can you see the dilemma we have? It’s a big one because statistics are saying we are blowing out a marriage just before we get some relief. If we don’t address it, teach on it, and help you stepmoms, then these numbers can’t get better.

I’m A Good Person

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From the book Healing of Memories by David A. Seamands comes this story on page 49.

The Calgary Herald reported:

On June 5, 1978 seven-year-old Martin Turgeon slipped off the wharf and fell into the Prairie River. The dozen or more adults standing on the same pier did nothing-except watch him struggle a few moments in the water and then drown.

Why didn’t anyone help? Well, just a short distance upstream, untreated sewage is dumped into the river. The water is highly polluted and very smelly. One witness quote an onlooker as later saying, “We weren’t going to jump in there-the water was much too dirty.” A police-man who came on the scene shortly thereafter remarked bitterly, “It makes you wonder about how human people really are. The boy probably could have been saved.”

Luke 18:18 One day one of the local officials asked him, “Good Teacher, what must I do to deserve eternal life?” 19 Jesus said, “Why are you calling me good? No one is good – only God.

Most people if asked would tell you they are good people. Most people if asked would tell you that they would have been the one to jump in and save the boy from drowning but the news tells us differently doesn’t it? This article also speaks to our delusion that things were better ‘back in the day’.

I don’t write this today out of any sense of arrogant morality. I am a germ freak. I don’t know if I could have jumped in and saved the boy so I am not any better than the people who stood on the sidelines.

Instead I write this because many see God as not good.

Well if God were good, he wouldn’t call my particular brand of sin, a sin. He’d understand that since he created me this way then he has to deal with it. The problem with this logic is that it isn’t true. To say that God made you selfish and prideful when he hates that is to say he made something he knew he’d hate from the beginning. That just isn’t true. Those of us who are creative know that we don’t dream up and create things we hate.

Well if God were good then why do bad things happen? Because the world is a place filled with imperfect people who make wrong choices. God gave us the earth and told us to multiply, subdue and take dominion. So therefore, our responsibility to each other can’t be ignored.

The list of supposed wrongs that God has committed goes on and on and the fact is that we blame him when the fault lies squarely on our shoulders if we’re honest. People go hungry while many die of obesity. We can’t really say we don’t have the resources to feed them, we do, we simply don’t care enough.

Jesus came to earth and jumped in that sewage filled lake as we struggled to stay alive. Rather than merely peer over the edge and watch us die, he had more grace and mercy that we could ever imagine or feel and jumped in to save us.

Let’s not kid ourselves. I believe most people try everyday to be good but we all fail at some point. Either through a decision that is selfish or an action made in haste without much thought. The one thing we can always count on to bring us peace is that people will fail us, give us enough time and we’ll do it every time, but God is ALWAYS good!

A Little More Life

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I have to admit, I hadn’t much listened to Christian radio these days. I’ve been into Tenth Avenue North, Sanctus Real, Jesus Culture and yeah the new Stone Temple Pilots CD’s. The other day I turned on The Message and heard this song. It’s catchy, but oh so relevant to my world these days. Lord, wasn’t I just telling you about this in prayer that very morning? I love how sometimes he answers me. He understands that I love music so often the words in a song respond to the cry of my heart! Gotta love a Jesus response. I wish there was a real video to this but I can’t find one so here’s a YouTube version!