Category: career

I Changed My Mind

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My husband and I took a drive to the beach to sit on the sand, enjoy the sun and read a book on our day off. It was a hot day and there were children playing in the waves of all ages. As I glanced at them I noticed something. Each child had a personal lifeguard. There were blankets on the beach and coolers and bags but they were empty because all of the caretakers were on duty. I saw mostly mommies but there were dads and grandparents as well.

Such a strange dichotomy between that scene and a 20/20 episode I watched recently about moms moving out and choosing to be non-custodial parents click here. One mother said she didn’t want to to do the bath and bedtime routine. One mother moved states away and Skyped in to speak to her children. Her middle child, a daughter, took care of feeding and getting her little down syndrome brother ready for school. Dad was there and the family was coping. At first I went into judgment mode, “What?!! Who does this?!!” Then I stopped and thought, she is doing what fathers have been doing for decades. I am outraged either way, maybe I understand it less because I am a mother or a woman I don’t know but I do know that it seems incomprehensible for a parent to leave their child.

The mothers were in new relationships, didn’t know if they had ever really wanted children, but knew they didn’t want the daily interaction of it. I get that actually. I remember once in a particularly frustrating day I announced, “That’s it, I’m running away from home.” Casey who was 4 at the time said, “Wait, mommy! Let me get my shoes on, I’ll run away with you.” I laughed and went on with my day. But what if I had been serious as apparently these mothers were?

The women made the argument that men had been doing it forever and they wouldn’t be judged as harshly as the women were. I just can’t go there. Children need their parents mother and father. They don’t get to change their mind.

One mother when asked if she loved her children more than herself answered, “Should a mother love her children more than herself?” I guess I think we should.

The Bull In The China Shop

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I posted on this blog about not thinking bossy was a bad word here. One of the questions I was asked about was when I used the phrase, Bull In A China Shop, to describe a person who isn’t a boss but tries to act like one. This isn’t some medical term or anything, it’s just what I see in my mind’s eye when I see this character arrive on the scene. Here are their characteristics:

1. They are emotional. Easily angered, which masks their insecurities, they are fueled and run by their emotions. They are the leaders who humiliate to get what they want. One moment you are the star of their team and the next moment you’ve done nothing right. This isn’t leadership from a Christian perspective this is leadership from a fear tactic. From this pool is where you get your tyrants from. Unfortunately, it’s their way or the highway and they do not take input well.

2. They drive people. In ministry you quickly learn that a Shepherd leads their flock they don’t drive it. Human beings are made in the image of God and therefore do not do well when they are controlled as we are not supposed to control others. The God given dominion we were given was over the earth not over each other. When you assume that each person under your care is there to be controlled you create a hostile work environment, one in which the people are tired, afraid of the next blow, and always looking over their shoulder. They will not create anything because in this sphere of authority they never know what the outcome will be. It may be received well or it may be looked on as an attempt to a coup, so they quit trying because the end result is so risky.

And if those two main points aren’t enough, people aren’t happy to be in their presence. They front for the higher ups, but they are one way in the presence of one group and another way in the presence of the next group. Nothing is ever level or real.

It’s not always from a place of evil, although the world has certainly seen their share of evil leaders, most often it’s from a place of ignorance, a place where leadership skills have not been defined and where training has not taken place. It’s foolish but it isn’t always evil. I liken it to the kid who realized that if he throws a fit in the store, his parents quickly give him what he wants so that he’ll behave. The Bull in the China Shop has done the same thing. They have figured out that fits make people move and they stopped there. They realized that it worked and frankly they were too lazy and self involved to get some training in front of some leaders who had cohesive working teams and actual skills of leading. They didn’t read or apply what they learned about leadership.

 

Seizing Power

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Last week I wrote about the word bossy here as it pertains to women, primarily how it pertains to me. The gist of the post was about how I don’t find the word bossy to be bad. When bossy is used correctly it is necessary.  It describes a female leader. A male is described as a boss but the role is still the same. Since I post here and I link it to my Facebook and Twitter pages I was asked about a term I used. I wrote, “I know myself and I know what I am not. I am not a usurper, meaning I don’t seize power, and I am not emotional.” So that brought about a series of questions.  What is a usurper? And then isn’t a bossy woman seizing power?

Usurp – verb -1.  to seize power by force or without legal right 2. to advance beyond proper established limits or to trespass

First we define bossy – ordering people around, overly authoritative

Notice, bossy isn’t usurping power, it’s using power given, sometimes overly using power, I call this rookie mistakes, but within a legal right. The word boss means a person who makes decisions, exercises authority, dominates. A boss has a legal right. It makes sense though that people would think bossy and usurper would be the same thing, because we don’t understand the context in which power is used, and let’s face it, we don’t like power very much except when we have it. The difference is being bossy doesn’t mean we have the right to rule over someone. It’s not the one who barks orders and is demeaning. That isn’t leadership, that’s what I call the Bull In China Shop kind of person and I’ll discuss that in a later post, this person’s style is emotional.

A person who usurps takes over without right. It’s sad when we see it and it isn’t exclusive to women. I’ve seen men try to take over as many time as I’ve seen women.

In marriage, usurping authority are things like siphoning money from the family budget to buy things we want knowing that our spouse wouldn’t approve. It basks in contradiction, and it brings about disunity.  It’s saying you don’t care what the other person wants, it’s going to be your way. It’s threatening and not caring what is best for the whole, but only what we think is best. It can be abusive.

In business usurping authority is seizing power where it isn’t given. It’s playing CEO without the earned right to be CEO. Just because there is a disagreement over a decision doesn’t mean we gossip, set up teams, poke holes in the boat and try to take over. A bossy woman, may in fact, voice her opinion but ultimately she knows where her role and responsibility begins and ends and she will back the vision up.

 

Parents Shouldn’t Be A Financial Burden

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Proverbs 13:22A good man leaves an inheritance to his children’s children, But the wealth of the sinner is stored up for the righteous.

We’re a nation of consumers and that isn’t news nor is it going away. Reverse mortgages, check-cashing loans, credit card debt are rampant means of getting extra cash. Gone are the days in which we live within our means.

Have we stopped to consider our children in these situations?

Your average 21 year old comes out of college with a debt of $32,000 in student loans and $4,000 in credit card debt, according to the Dave Ramsey crew. How is that student going to pay that off when an entry level job isn’t going to pay anywhere near the money it will take to make a dent in that amount? As parents if we are not set up to help take care of these costs, we must rely on loans, grandparents, and family members to foot the bill.

With these statistics it is imperative that we should not take from our children nor be a burden to them. We need to begin wherever we are to save for our child’s education and their future. My godmother and I were talking recently and she said to me that as soon as I find out I am having a grandchild, I am to put $20 per week aside for that child’s future. So that ends up being about $20,000 with just simple interest. if I invested it, it would be more.

Do we even comprehend that $20 is one fast food meal skipped per week? 

I don’t profess to be a saver. I love a sale as much as anyone, but we have an emergency fund and funds set aside for our future. I don’t want to be a burden to my kids. The bible says we aren’t supposed to be. Could it be that this is why the Lord makes such archaic statements in the bible?

Save! Don’t consume all that you have.

Proverbs 21:20 There is desirable treasure, And oil in the dwelling of the wise, But a foolish man squanders it.

Give freely but don’t be a borrower.

Psalm 37:21 The wicked borrows and does not repay, But the righteous shows mercy and gives.

We have to set this thing up better for the next generation or they won’t be afforded the life we were. We have to begin to look at the consequences of the whole picture and not look at what feels good right now. We love our children, and I believe that we do love our children, but are we looking out for them or are looking out for ourselves? Are we leaving them with a legacy of slavery to a system and a life of indebtedness or are we teaching practical principles like delayed gratification? We have got to do better for our next generation. Setbacks happen to everyone but there is a difference between a person who can’t recover and one who won’t.

Work and savings aren’t ugly words. My grandfather worked three jobs to give his kids a leg up. My parents both worked to give us an education. We worked to give our kids the things they needed. We didn’t always have new stuff but we had what we needed and we didn’t work a system, we worked to be free to make decisions.

 

What I Am Not

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Perhaps, when you and other girls hear bossy, you can think of leadership. Perhaps, bossy could mean someone has an opinion and is comfortable sharing it with other people. Bossy could mean someone has a plan, that someone is bold. Bossy could mean that someone is the boss, a leader!~ Helen Drinan 

There is this movement to ban the word bossy. I’m not a fan. My second grade report card stated, “Susan is extremely bossy…” The grades were straight up good. I received the award for most outstanding student, most outstanding reader, most outstanding in math. Here’s what I remember about my second grade teacher. She spoke very broken English and it was very hard to understand her. I remember asking her to repeat herself many times. I was also a rule follower. She would make a rule and then when children weren’t following it, she’d become exasperated and yell and throw chalk, but never followed through on her point system. So I’d remind her. Someone had to. The black and white thinker that I am was already formed at this age. If you said that you’d take points away if we misbehaved, then I took you at your word and felt that you should.

Bossy doesn’t bother me. Female leaders are often deemed bossy but my thought is hey someone has to be the leader. I can get things done, I work very well with others. All that being said, when my mother read the teacher’s comment to me and asked me about it, she smirked. I think she’s always been understanding of the bossy girl that was born to her. I remember explaining the issues to her. She told me to try to get along with her. I do not remember the term bossy hurting my self esteem nor making me feel less than. I know myself and I know what I am not. I am not a usurper, meaning I don’t seize power,  and I am not emotional. When this teacher would yell and throw chalk I would just watch her and try to understand why she couldn’t take control of her class. I would raise my hand and ask why she didn’t use the point system and write our names on the board. Then she would break chalk on the chalkboard writing all of our names on the board. Obviously she wasn’t bossy.

Here is where the misunderstanding of the word comes in. Men are not called bossy and weak men are intimidated by a woman who know what she wants and knows how to lead. I would never be able to married to a weak man. He would not be an equal and it would be frustrating. My husband is an easy-going, super nice guy but he is anything but weak. Everything I do in our life is discussed with him and I get the okay before I move. E V E R Y T H I N G. Some things are discussed longer than others but ultimately his no is no and his no is honored. He is great about directing me. I am heard and he explains why an idea is a go or not. We work well together because he is a visionary but I am a detailer. So when he gives me an idea, I can make it happen.

Where women like me clash is with the personality of what I call the Bull in the China Shop kind of man. They run around barking orders, and puffing themselves up. They lead by bullying. Bossy and Bullies clash. This is why women in politics and female executives get such a bad rap for the most part. I’ll let that sit.

Getting rid of the word bossy will do absolutely nothing about personality types. We need to focus on directing those bossy second graders to greatness.

Balancing the Overachiever 3

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If you missed the last installment click here so it will all make sense.

Let’s get down to brass tacks and let me show you what I did. Hopefully it will give you some ideas to balance out your work and home life.

Here are the guidelines I came up with for balancing my work schedule. I hope they can help you:

1. Figure out what your job description requires of you and then meet the needs based on what you can realistically do as one person. Have an honest discussion with your boss of what you can and cannot do. It may be that another person is needed to help you complete all the tasks before you. Delegate out what you can’t finish and quit saying yes to everything that comes your way. When my boss comes to me and says he needs three extra things done that week, I assess realistically if it can happen or not. Sometimes, I have to say I can’t fit it in. Guess what? He finds someone else who can. It doesn’t fall, we aren’t the only arms, even though we may think it can’t get done without us, it can! Trust your delegates. If they drop the ball, learn the lesson, move on. More often than not they will give you way more than you expected. It won’t be done as you would do it exactly, but it will be done.

Here are my job duties:

administration, counseling, women’s ministry, writing, oversee several departments, bible studies, mentoring.

2. Figure out how to divide your time and while maybe not giving everything it’s proper due, finding a balance and delegating the rest. In other words, for my workplace,  administration is a 40 hour week. I give 24 hours of my time and I delegate 10. It still lacks hours but until we can afford to hire someone full time it is what it is.

Counseling I can give 6 hours to. It limits the number of clients I can take in but I am more effective to it and I determined not to do long term counseling, I refer out anything that requires more than I can give out of fairness to the client.

Women’s ministry, bible study I give 10 hours to. Writing I give 10 hours to. Overseeing and mentoring I give an additional 10 hours to once a month. So one week a month I work 60 hours instead of 50 average.

3. Set clear hours for your work. I work in the office two and a half days per week. I do nothing but administrating church work, whatever that entails, and one full day dedicated to paperwork alone, no interruptions. By focusing and not multi-tasking I am able to get a lot more accomplished. Remember the adage;

Winners focus – Losers spray

Focus on the task for the day. Most things that are urgent really aren’t important. Recognize the difference and work from there. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid.

The shackles of overachievement were never intended for you. You are to enjoy your life. It’s the only one you have. Work with all of your heart while you are at work. Then shut it down, ignore the phone, and play with your family with all of your heart. You’ll live with a lot less regret.

Balancing The Overachiever 2

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If you’re just tuning in please go back and catch the first installment here.

Last year, those who have hung with me that long, saw that I really began to put balance into play. I’d slip up, but then I’d get back on track again and really try to balance it out. It felt foreign. It felt slothful. It didn’t fit. My husband smiled more, but I had an inward battle to fight, just like anyone addicted to anything. I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking of all the things I had to do. I’d sneak downstairs with my computer and get emails written and things done before I could be discovered. There were nights, or mornings, when my husband would startle me, sneaking downstairs and standing behind me and saying, “What on earth are you doing?” It was work to kick the habit of habitually working.

Then I figured it out and I put a business plan together for balance. Sound crazy? Maybe, but if you’re an overachiever the goal you set is always in your mind and you will not only meet it, you will supersede it, because that is who you are and what you are good at. I have to tell you that at this writing I’ve met my goals! I work so hard at balancing that my husband laughs at me while enjoying me more. It can be done.

I work an average of 50 hours per week 3 out of 4.3 weeks, keep reading before you scoff. The last week I add an additional 8 hours of work. It totally works for me and I have been able to cut about 12-15 hours out of my work week. Next year my goal is cut an additional 5 hours from my week, but for now, I am really happy with the results because I take two additional days off a month now, okay let me tell the truth, I try to take two additional days off per month reducing my work hours for the month by 16 hours total. I go and visit my mother, who lives 2.5 hours away once a month. That never happened before because I was always too busy. My mother would say, “Aye, mija, you’re always working.”  I don’t feel guilty if I get a migraine or the flu and have to come home to take care of my body. I don’t try to muscle through it. I’ve decided I’m not that tough and I’m worth taking care of. I also have one day a month that I call the recharge day. Nothing gets done that day. I stay in pajamas all day. It’s heaven on earth actually. In next post we’ll break it down to brass tacks on how to rework your life plan.

Balancing the Overachiever

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If you’re like me you have spent far too many years working far too many hours. The accomplishments, the accolades, and the personal satisfaction have been big ego boosters and a driving force to keep you going but at some point, you may have, or will eventually, discover that it came with a big fat price tag.

Time is all that you have.

We become slaves to the things that drive us, and that’s counterintuitive to the very nature of our being- freedom. So how do you balance your work and your life because for some of us, maybe most of us in America, we measure our lives in terms of our work. What we do is who we are and we forget that we are human beings and not human doings. At some point in an overachiever’s life it no longer becomes about the money but the work.

There is a difference between an overachiever and a hoarder. For those whose love of money outweighs their love of anything else, they become slaves to their balance statement. For the overachiever there is a drive within them that says to them every step of the way, “there’s one more step before it’s really finished”. The problem is there is always one more step and one more step and time slips by quickly. We bring death closer to our doorstep by the mere stress it causes to be so driven. So at the end of your life what do you want your life to say about you?

No one is so powerful that they can stop the march of time. ~ St. Marher

A couple of years ago you saw me begin to write about balance, or maybe I’m kidding myself and it’s been way more than a couple of years ago. I began to see the toll on my life and the fact that the fun things I had wanted to do with my life kept getting shelved for the things I felt were more important. Family time was basically when I could fit it into my schedule. My husband kept saying he wanted to spend time with me. People find this crazy because we work together but we don’t really see each other during the course of our day. I ate dinner standing up long after everyone was finished, or worse I’d rush dinner so I could go back to work. It wasn’t working. For now, I’m out of time with you today so let’s pick this back up next time and I’ll show how I worked my plan and how it’s working out. Not perfected yet, but how does cutting 10-15 hours of your work week sound at this point? Impossible? Maybe not. It’s all in what you want your life to say about you.

I Want To Be Taken Seriously

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If you want to be taken seriously you have to show up – on time – be prepared – and do the work. ~ Cindy Crawford

Late AGAIN?

Unprepared?

You’re tired and don’t want to be there?

Psychologists believe that being late is a symptom of other factors such as, trouble with self control which manifests itself in being late, overeating, drinking, impulse shopping. I think this is the biggest hinderance to being taken seriously. For me, it’s pretty simple, when I care more about your time than you care about mine, I can pretty much guarantee you that the activity I have planned with you will go away. I’ll fill your time slot. It’s a necessary ending for me. The delay of even 10 minutes will then cause a domino effect in my life where that could mean the difference between being able to take a lunch or not, or leaving late from work. It means nothing to the person being late but I don’t have time for it. Why am such a stickler? You are wasting the most important commodity I as a person have on this planet: TIME. You wouldn’t invest your money in a losing proposition so why would  I waste my time?

The consequences of being chronically late run deeper than many people realize, according to psychologist Linda Sapadin, PhD, author of Master Your Fears. “You’re creating a reputation for yourself, and it’s not the best reputation to be establishing. People feel they can’t trust you or rely on you, so it impacts relationships. It also impacts self-esteem.”

Being prepared is a big one to being taken seriously. If you show up to a meeting and think you are going to wing it, it’s going to waste everyone’s time. What is the purpose of the meeting? What are your responsibilities? In the church where I serve, we are required to be there 30 minutes before class if we are leading that class. The practice was put into play in case a student comes to class with a question or to be prepared for any unforeseen circumstances that may arise.

There is no short cut to achievement. Life requires thorough preparation – veneer isn’t worth anything. ~ George Washington Carver

Finally, be ready do the work if you want to be taken seriously. I’ve seen people passed up for promotion simply because they didn’t take the work seriously, they were good at what they did -when they did it. So often we think our employer needs us, our spouse won’t leave us, our friends can’t live without us. In each of these circumstances it takes work to maintain these relationships. Don’t be lazy. Do the work and do it to the best of your ability.

If you’re not willing to work hard, let someone else do it. I’d rather be with someone who does a horrible job, but gives 110% than with someone who does a good job and gives 60%. ~ Will Smith