What I Wouldn’t Do

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With just a few weeks to go before we become grandparents for the first time I have been quietly reflecting on what I know for sure. This picture is of my grandparents. My Nana Mickey and my Tata Francisco.

What I wouldn’t do to sit with my Nana today and just say, “It’s my turn! You always told me being a Nana was the best thing ever. How do I walk in your shoes? How do I love deeply like you did? How do I hold a child with hugs that covered them with such utter love that it invokes giggles and security? How do I sit bedside beside a child and rub their head and answer 10 million questions without losing patience? How do I be the Nana you were to me and how come you aren’t here for me to share this with you? You’d be thrilled to know it’s my turn. I want to scoop my grandchildren up in my arms and dance in the living room with them the way you did with us. I want to teach them to play cards, and hold secrets, and bake, and make tortillas, and love but mostly I want to tell you that in just a few weeks I get to feel what you feel and instead of putting on your perfume and ‘lipppy-stick’ and your heels and walking around with your purse, I get to actually be like you.”

I want to tell my grandpa that I learned his work ethic. That I learned English and went to school and made something of myself so that all the work and sacrifice he made for us paid off. I want to chuckle the way you did when we were crazy little kids. I want to buy cinnamon sticks and put more milk than coffee in a cup and say, “Don’t tell your mom”, as we secretly drink coffee and eat Mexican bread and spell words in Spanish or play double solitaire. I want to tell you that I learned to save money, and serve my husband, and be the lady you knew one day I would be.

What I wouldn’t do to tell them that my greatest adventure awaits and that they deposited heart-felt notes in my spirit. Their legacy is lasting and their love will live in abundance through what I was taught.

What I wouldn’t do to tell you this great news and what an impact you have made in my life. Somehow I think you knew the impact. Somehow I think you knew you were charging me with a responsibility, I was just too young to realize what you both were doing. I know now.

My Weapon of Choice

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You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet
You are my sword and shield
Though troubles linger still
Whom shall I fear
I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side
The one who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies
Is always by my side ~ Chris Tomlin

Sitting in church this morning as we sang this song in semi-unison, I need to remember that the bible says make a joyful noise and even though we clap and sing to different beats and tones we are here for one purpose.  I felt such total peace. To stand under the wing of the One who formed me before the foundation of the earth knowing I am secure because the weapons of my warfare are not designed in the earthly realm, and since I don’t war people, there is no need.  I war thought processes and mindsets that crept into my soul making me feel that I wasn’t enough on my own and that there were things I needed that I didn’t have. I war perceived inadequacies in relationships that make me feel unloved, and until I gain clarity on the situation at hand, I stand feeling unworthy and helpless.  Yet when I read the bible it says I am more than enough in fact, I was created with everything I would ever need downloaded.

Isaiah 54:15 If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you. 16 “See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coals into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to wreak havoc; 17 no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the LORD.

When I read that no weapon formed against me will prevail it tells me that weapons will be formed to take me out but they can’t. It takes me back to when I was a kid and I wanted to be Wonder Woman only now I really am. I can stand as the arrows fly, and people say and do whatever they say and do and as long as I don’t respond with the same arrows, they fly by. Sure, the threat hurts my feelings, but feelings are up and down and I don’t live my life by them.

Know who you are and especially whose you are and then whatever arrows try to come to distract you from your God-given path know that they can’t harm you. You’re not out until God says you’re out.

 

Frances Martinez

You first met her here

I found the beginning of this post from four years ago as I was editing my drafts. If you ever wonder about my writing sometimes they are finished years after they are started. 

Sitting at our breakfast table last week eating with my son and daughter-in-love the conversation went like this:

Frances: “They have kittens at the shelter and they have a sale going on.”

Anthony: “Umm humm”

Me: “Lucy would do better with a friend. You should get one.”

Frances: “They have an orange one.”

Anthony: “You’ve been wanting an orange one.”

Frances: “What do you think?”

Anthony: “Well, in a few years, we’re going to have a couple of kids, a dog and two cats. I’ll be at work, you’ll be home, so what do you think?”

Frances: “It sounds a little overwhelming.”

Anthony: “Ummm hummm”

Could I have any better joy than to have a daughter-in-love who is working out the plan of her life with her husband in such a special way? She has a career and goals and a thoughtful process of proceeding.

Cut to today. 

Our oldest children have made a major move across the state and are expecting our first grandchild. I can hardly wait. Those dreams sitting at the table four years ago are coming true. God’s timing is always perfect.

Never settle for now. Pray, dream, plan, execute. Living your dream should be a goal!

Oh and the second kitten came. This means the dog and second baby are on the way!

Random Thoughts

Someone said to me that they love the way I think. My instant thought was, “Really? Because if you really knew my thoughts you’d see they are so random that most of my thoughts don’t deserve an audible rendition.” What I answered was, “Thank you.” You see, not every thought has to be spoken. Here are some random thoughts that popped through my head throughout this one period of one particular day.

Why would hackers want to hack a baby monitor? Or a photo on your cell phone? Mean and nosey abound I guess. People need to use that energy effectively.

Why do I look up symptoms that I, or one of my friend’s, have on WebMD when I’m not a doctor? Why do I always think the worst? WebMD says it could be a cold or it could be cancer. I almost feel my hair falling out. My head isn’t round enough to be bald.

I wonder if Doug would love me with an odd shaped bald head? I mean he would love me but he would be able to overcome it? Now when he kisses me and puts his fingers through my hair I am going to be thinking that he’s measuring my head because he reads my blog. Maybe I shouldn’t post this thought.

I guess worst case I could get pretty scarves.

Wait! I rebuke that thought and the part of me that always thinks the worst in Jesus name.

Why do people who aren’t married, and don’t want to be married, call each other husband or wife? Do they secretly want to be married? I bet that’s it!

You either evolve or evaporate.

I should Tweet that thought because we all need to be growing.

I could use a little evaporation in some places. Well more than a little.

Why do we have DirectTV and nothing to watch?

I wish Hallmark channel just had gushy movies all of the time. Then I could just go there when I wanted something to watch.

I want a cookie but I want to be thinner. I should take diet pills then I wouldn’t want a cookie, or have liposuction. I could exercise and have the cookie.

I think my car is almost on empty.

I wonder if I will be a good Nana? Lord, I want to be a Nana like my Nana. Or Maria, she’s a good Nana. That woman has endless energy. She works full time then babysits. Is it babysitting if they’re your grandchildren?

I may just have the cookie and quit thinking about it.

Idolatry is the belly that is never full and eventually it will eat you too.

I should Facebook that or write a blog to elaborate.

It takes no faith to call it what it is.

I can Facebook that tomorrow if I remember it.

So you see, they like my thinking process because I only showed the very random good thoughts and not all the mess. Life is like that too so don’t get caught up in the admiration of someone’s life because you just can’t possibly know. Instead admire the process of learning when to speak and when to stand down. Most of it is all flesh you, me, the Pope, and what you call thoughtful, I may call filtered because not everything thought has to be spoken.

All Over Again

 

 

 

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My son Anthony and my daughter-in-love Frances arrived on Saturday night for a visit. They are expecting their first child in May. Frances tells my husband that she bought him a book And hands him this one called How To Babysit A Grandpa. He laughed and said thank you then went to sit in his recliner and joyfully opened his book. You see, we’re about to be grandparents to our very first grandchild.

I watched him read the book and chuckle as he turned the pages. His smile filled his eyes, “Listen to this”, he exclaimed, “Snacks for a grandpa, ice cream topped with cookies, olives served on fingertips, anything dipped in ketchup, cookies topped with ice cream.”

When I posted on Facebook the cover of the new book my husband had been given, he wrote, “I can’t wait to meet my babysitter.”

I fell in love with him all over again. 

Here’s to our new adventures in this next season.

I wonder if Lulu the Wonder Dog will love the baby as much as we do? I am sure she’ll appreciate the clean up when he begins eating solids.

It’s About Fear

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EGO= Edging God Out. It’s acting in the flesh without a heart of love. It’s when we are there in that ego spot where we deny culpability and find ourselves away from where we were designed to be. Ego stems from pride and pride separates us from God. Pride and ultimately fear cause distrust and distrust opens up offense when corrected.

Ask yourself what happens when you are corrected? When we are responding in ego we take our ball and go home. We do what I call pounce and flounce. We get an ‘I’ll show you’ attitude and then walk away without dialogue. We begin to work off of  destructive life patterns that take us away from relationship all the while blaming others and not looking at ourselves. That tantrum we threw when we were three years old may have worked then. It no longer works when we’re 25 and it looks silly when we’re 35.  Wounds begin to take us further down a path of destructive behavior where true relationship can’t be found because things have to be our way or we can’t function. What happens when no one chases us begging us to come back? What happens when life goes on business as usual? It’s in that pain and realization that more wounds happens and distrust solidifies.

Sometimes the offense at correction can stem from a parental wound. Despite how we reshape history, sometimes we have pretty messed up crazy childhoods that seem normal to us because we don’t know any better. We begin living out life patterns that take us in circles and we begin to see that although it’s different people, a different day and time, it’s still the same issue of pride, fear, and distrust and an unwillingness to face the matter. When correction comes from an authority figure in our adult life we choose to act in ego and forego the healing that can come from faith and submission.

Submission is only a word until we disagree.

It’s in this place of disagreement that we have a choice to make. We can give a silent treatment and go home, or we can decide to not be offended at correction and have a dialogue, resolve the issue, and live a life of freedom, but we can’t do it without acknowledging that there is a problem within us.

Let’s deal with our issues so that our issues quit dealing with us.