1Corinthians 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation,and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 11 See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern,what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.
I am back from my self-imposed reclusiveness. I was pondering some things in my life, getting my heart right about matters and thinking things through. Thank God for the Holy Spirit who guides us in all truth and recognizes the heart conditions we find ourselves in. If, when, we submit to the thoughts and processes of this it is beyond amazing what can be cleared up in one’s life.
After a series of events late last year, I was crispy fried. I learned a lot through the process though and I think I love God more than ever because he allowed some refining to take place. The image of the chiseling of skin was a fresh reality and yet, just like my facials, the chemical peel burns but the skin underneath is untouched and soft to the touch.
So what happened? Well, some really good people did some really bonehead things, myself included, and some wolves in sheep’s clothing came and separated out the herd.
I was having employee/employer issues. In any other business environment what was happening would not have been tolerated even for a minute, but we’re a ministry, so you extend grace right? No, because subpar is still subpar, whether it’s for God or man. I was guilty of failing to lead.
Finally one day I snapped. Suddenly, I was no longer nice Pastor Susan, I was evil Pastor Susan. I seemingly had done things without warning and I was now viewed as stepping way out of bounds. Like with anything else consistency is the key and I was an inconsistent leader. It had now seemed to become personal. I learned a great huge lesson. Take care of every small, even minor detail before it becomes a big insurmountable obstacle and changes dynamics.That’s good leadership. To be honest, this wasn’t the first time. I once had an employee give me a card on a Monday for being the best boss ever and on Friday when I had to let her go, I had become a “terrorist”. So obviously, God had to pull my chain and teach me some things. Again.
Pastor Susan 
Change for me is more about what’s inside than outside. I’ve been considering lately going on a sabbatical from all the “habits” I’ve developed over the last decade or so in order to take stock of what I do out of routine. Sometimes I fly on automation so much I don’t have time to really absorb what I’m doing to myself or others. It’s coming to a head for me as well, Susan. Some of my habits are bad ones but there are “good” things in them I don’t want to throw out with the dirty bath water. In order to do this in a healthy way, it’s impossible to sort while I’m busy surviving so I have to break from all the unnecessary routines. My only consideration is how, when and what to break from—making a living isn’t an opt-out part of the reality until God sends me three or four months of income in one check 😉
Kudos for taking a step back to reassess your leadership structure.
Thanks Jon! There has been a lot of processing over the last five months. Some of it was hard, but even my sabbatical from FB gave me perspective and challenge. If your spirit is speaking for you to stop, I urge you to do it. I feel refreshed, recharged and those jaded edges are not there. My prayer is that I can recognize my drop off point much sooner than I did this last time! It hurts, but in the end it’s freeing! ❤