Category: relationships

Drama Free Zone

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Quotefancy-4025-3840x2160“You must constantly ask yourself these questions: Who am I around? What are they doing to me? What have they got me reading? What have they got me saying? Where do they have me going? What do they have me thinking? And most important, what do they have me becoming? Then ask yourself the big question: Is that okay?” — Jim Rohn

I read this last year and began to assess. I had some work to do in the drama department. So I resolved to make my life a drama free zone. I decided not to get caught up in the day to day stuff that wasn’t mine to own. I decided that if I had an issue, I would go to a select few women who could tell me the truth and point me in the right direction.

So this year who am I around? I am around people who challenge me to think positively. I recently had a wonderful time with a friend who after I left her presence I realized we talked about absolutely no one but ourselves, fashion, music, God, dreams, skin care products, books we were reading, our favorite travel destinations, our bucket lists. Not one single thing about anyone else. I am mostly around people like this these days. It makes for a very happy well rounded life.

What are they doing to me? They are making me see the life beyond the drama. I have to tell you I love, love, love it.

What have they got me reading? Novels, The Federalist Papers, ministry books, and the bible.

What have they got me saying? Positive things. Life-giving things, things that matter and are thought provoking, oh and politics which I’m not sure is positive but definitely thought  provoking.

Where do they have me going? Church, dinner parties, concerts, plays, book readings, game nights, book clubs.

What do they have me thinking? Life beyond drama. Life beyond chaos. Life worth living.

What do they have me becoming? A person who isn’t caught up in the urgent and by that I mean, a person who isn’t looking at the chaos that comes from the day to day urgency but at a life that is lived with more compassion, more space, and more freedom.

This is a critical point. Did the last year leave you stressed and angry and caught up in nonsense or did it bring you peace? I can’t say 2014 brought me peace but I came back to myself and changed it all in 2015.

There is so much more to the earth than the stuff going on in your world. There are stances to take on issues, there is a desperate need to pray for needs that far supersede the confusion of small-mindedness. There are moments to be still and let the Holy Spirit begin to bring revelation to your soul that breathes life not only into you but to those whose life you touch. There is a banquet served to those who wish to explore possibilities. I used to get discouraged by the naysayers who want the world to swing their way. I have a deeper understanding of life and the bigger picture than the one I see in the mirror.

Is that Okay? It is absolutely beautiful to your soul’s purpose.

 

A Little Respect Please

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For those of you who find some words offensive you may want to move on to another post. I will not use a word frivolously but in the context of this post it will be necessary.

A young, college-aged woman is dating her boyfriend. They are like all college students, studying to move towards a career, finding their way in life, and enjoying the time when there aren’t a lot of pressures. It’s a great stage of life.

Their relationship is progressing forward but there are a couple of seemingly insignificant issues that has popped up for her. She puts the thought away as it seems so small. Her friends all think it’s not a big deal. So she calls her friend, that would be me, to talk it over with someone who is older and maybe can tell her she is overreacting and change her heart towards this topic. Only, maybe she’s an old soul, maybe she feels things more deeply, maybe she is right about her feelings of something being off.

She begins hesitantly with me knowing I’m more than twice her age, “It doesn’t seem like a big deal when I say it out loud but there is just something about it that irritates me. He seems to try to push me into making decisions his way. He pulls towards spending all of his time with me and his friends which should be flattering but it feels a little constricting and the second thing is that he called me a bitch.” She says the second part almost like an afterthought.

“Well”, now it’s my turn to be careful with my words, “I think you are right to be concerned and I think you need cut yourself a break. Dating is a time where we get to know each other. It sounds like this may not be a match. Now listen, I am going to sound way, way old-fashioned here but calling you a bitch speaks to a greater issue. It speaks to a disrespect of women from a weak man. He is saying he thinks of you as less than human. He is also intimidated by you and has a need to control you to make himself feel better. I know it’s not a big deal in today’s culture, but it is still a big deal, and as women we can either ignore it or we can take a stand of respect. You’re not thinking about this now, but we as women raise our sons to be men of honor and men who learn to treat women with respect by how they are taught to respect their mother. So don’t discount this.  Then there’s the spending the time the way he wants to. Is that how you can envision your life? You’re an independent girl with goals and vision. Is that supposed to go away for him? And at what point will you tire of this behavior and want your life back? How about him showing a little respect for you and your life?”

We continued our conversation along with a warning from me that I was going to blog about this topic. Listen, bottom line, if you don’t put boundaries in place no one will do it for you. Ladies, we aren’t pretzels that bend at the whim of a man. Instead we are called to partner with them. The biggest downfall I see in continuing to date a man who we have doubts over is that we give our emotions away and then marry the wrong person.

And while we are here on this topic this goes for men as well. If she wants to control where you go, how you dress, who your friends are, if she is disrespectful with her words she will not value the whole of you. Maybe it’s time to move on.

 

 

A Damsel in Distress

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I was sitting outside at a friend’s home while their children played in the pool. “Watch this Pastor Susan”, was the cry out and I was enjoying watching them play and interacting with them.

Adam was the first one out of the pool. He quickly got a squirt gun and began to take out the imaginary bad guys that were roaming around in the backyard, infringing on his freedom and his territory. You have to know Adam, he’s very observant and quiet, well mannered, thoughtful, and 5 years old. He came quietly to me and said, “Pastor Susan, pretend you’re the girl that the bad guys want to get. You yell, ‘Help, Help’, and I’ll shoot them for you.” So we played. Did you know a squirt gun can spray icky sticky Spiderman web fluid all the way to the clouds to protect the girl in trouble? Adam’s dad is a police officer, so as Superhero Adam captured the imaginary bad guys he did his due diligence and asked them for their driver’s license and he ran it through his imaginary machine. I suppose even Superheroes have to check for priors, or outstanding warrants.

It made me smile because most men want to rescue a damsel in distress. John Eldredge tells us that  a man needs a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. Dr. Laura Schlessinger would tell you that when you rescue a damsel in distress then all you get is a distressed damsel. Both are correct but written into the heart of this boy is that he wants to be a hero and he needs my female approval that he is doing his service to mankind.

I wanted to tell Adam that there will be many battles to fight, but not all them will be a hill to die on. I wanted to tell him that life can be an adventure and that he should enjoy as many adventures as he can. I wanted to tell him that rescuing a beauty means a whole different thing to his generation where women aren’t sure they need rescuing and men have been emasculated.  I wanted to tell him all of that but he’s five and we’ll have conversations as he grows. For now, I want to keep his fantasy going for a little while longer. I will pray over him that he finds the right woman, at the right time, and that she is healthy and strong and compliments him well for his entire life moving forward. For now I will pray that she always thinks he’s her superhero.  There will be plenty of time for these talks later. In the moment I am having fun. His younger brother Mark comes and joins in to play  with us and I stayed the damsel in distress as they cleared the backyard of bad guys.

Moments of Desperation

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In 1999 we began attending a little church in a little town. Walking in for the first time it was scene right out of the 80’s. Wallpaper border, pink walls, fake plants, and lots of stuff spray painted gold. Like all churches, some of the people were nice and said hello and others didn’t. The pastor could not remember my name and I think addressed me by many names before he gave up. Can you tell I wasn’t really impressed?

I had come from a big city with a big church and big programs and lots of opportunities to serve. Small towns don’t really have all of that but somehow I expected the church to have it and I can’t even tell you why. We’d walk in Sunday after Sunday and I would look at the negative. The message was solid but I wasn’t happy because it wasn’t fulfilling my needs.

I begged my husband to commute to our old church. He was reassuring but firm.

“Susan, do they open their bibles and preach from it?”

“Yes, they do but they also are really concerned about Y2K and…”

“Yes, that’s beside the point. Is the teaching solid?”

“Yes, but that lady was rude telling us we weren’t allowed to sit in her seat.”

“I know you’re unhappy but you need to focus on God. We’re not leaving and commuting to church. Our family needs to be involved in the city we live in. So unless God speaks to me, we’re staying here.”

“But what if he speaks to me?” This was my approach at manipulation and my husband was wise enough to not argue.

Can God speak to us as wives? Of course he can. Does he lead us out of our covering? I don’t see it in scripture. Looking back to that unhappy beginning I could not have seen the things that I would face over these last 17 years.  I would lose my husband to an untimely death. I would raise my children in that little church. I would marry its pastor. I would answer a call to ministry and I would be sitting here today reflecting on how submission works for our good.

I could have fought hard for my way. I could have led my family out because I wasn’t getting what I needed but I knew my husband was a good leader if I would allow him to be and I knew that he would guide me well. Trust is the issue that causes us to do what we want despite our spouses protests. We don’t believe they are spiritual enough. We don’t believe they hear from the Lord as well as we do. We don’t ultimately trust them to lead.

Often in women’s ministry I am asked to pray for that backslidden husband or to pray for that husband to become more mature in the things of the Lord but what I see often is when that man does stand up for what he’d like he stands in the opposition of his wife.

Let’s be wise women, praying in unity with our spouse without manipulation. Allowing our speech to be pleasing and not divisive, and knowing that moments of desperation are not moments of flight but moments of submission to a greater cause that we know nothing about in the moment.

 

 

 

You’re Not Allowed

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It bothers me when a spouse says in public what their spouse is allowed to do and what they aren’t allowed to do. I can only imagine what that nightmare of a marriage looks like in private.

“My husband is not allowed to drink his coffee in the living room.”

“My wife is not allowed to work.”

“My husband knows better than to think he’s bringing home a recliner.”

I stay quiet as I hear these statements but in my mind I think, “Bully”. I believe when we try to usurp authority over a person we are in essence saying we are higher than God. The bible reads that God is not one who overrides your free will instead he offers choices. Those choices usher in his presence or not.

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Mark 8:34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

Revelation 22:17 The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

My husband and I are very strong people in very different ways. I am verbal and will say what I think. He is non-verbal and votes with his action. So when we disagree we tend to stop until a compromise is reached. He has never said to me that I wasn’t allowed to do something and I have never forbid him anything. We both take into account the free will of the other.

Are there forbidden things in a marriage? Of course! Adultery, Abuse, Addiction, Manipulation, Lying are things that are forbidden in a marriage but I would think if I have to demand a ceasing of these actions then I married the wrong person who lacks love and character.

When we  continually call the shots, continually admonish our spouse as if they are our child, continually manipulate the finances, I wonder where Christ is in all of that? When it’s our way or the highway whole people sometimes cower for a season but they eventually fall away. Maybe they don’t leave the situation. Maybe they just go away emotionally. Maybe they begin to spend time alone not meeting our needs. Maybe they find someone who respects their opinion.

We can argue that the person who is experiencing the violence of the violation of free will, chose to give it up and I would say that is true. In counseling I often hear that they feel stuck because of a circumstance such as children who will be devastated by divorce, so they bide their time. Then there is the lack of work or experience where they can’t support themselves which often keeps them in this situation as well.

It can happen in the work place. There are those who feel threatened by their boss or their employee. The employee who continually threatens to quit, who calls in sick as a pattern on critical days. The boss who lords that there are plenty of people out of work over their employees. It isn’t right.

As Christians we are supposed to have no unwholesome talk come out of our mouth. When we think of unwholesome talk we think about cussing, gossip, but what about bullying? What about dragging about someone by a leash demanding our way? Isn’t that the tearing apart of a person of free will? Un-whole-some?

 

 

Near-Sighted

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nearsightedI am nearsighted meaning I can totally see things up close but I can’t see things far away. To be able to see things far away I have to put glasses on. It’s a pain but hey at least there are glasses to correct vision right? There are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason and my journey through 2015 was no exception, my nearsighted vision would teach me a lesson.

I heard Chris Hodges say once:

“Spiritual nearsightedness shows up in our prayers.”

Every Christian has a promise over their life. I could see the promise. I could taste the promise. I could reach out to take the promise. I was working overtime and when I was honest with myself, I was unsettled. I felt the Holy Spirit speak:

“Breathe, take a minute there are things yet to teach and do together before you enter in.” 

I wish I could tell you that I went willingly but you see when you’re a workaholic, you don’t just stop working willingly. Instead you pretend you misunderstood the prompting in your spirit or you fail to hear it at all. You spiritualize it and you begin to pray nearsighted prayers. The problem is that when you pray with nearsightedness your prayers aren’t to change the world they are change your circumstances to move in your direction. Nearsightedness causes the inability to get past the right here and right now and see the future.

So there is a choice. You can reach for the promise in your flesh. Meaning you make something happen but that is vastly different than allowing God to reach for the promise for you.

If you reach for a promise and aren’t ready for it you end up birthing an Ishmael which fails in the end, while had you waited for God he would have birthed an Isaac on your behalf.

Alright that may be confusing for those of you who aren’t Christian.  Let me back up. There is a story of a man named Abraham in the bible. His story begins in Genesis 12. He was married to a woman named Sarah and she couldn’t have children. God had given them a promise that they would birth a child. In fact, the Lord told Abraham he would be the father of many nations. Sarah was just hoping for one baby. Years go by and she’s an old woman and she hasn’t given birth. In her desperation she reaches for the promise in her flesh. In other words, she makes something happen on her own. She convinces her husband Abraham to have sex with their servant Hagar (I know we see the writing on the wall right?). The plan is Hagar will have a child and give it to Sarah because Hagar’s a servant. Hagar has a child and she names him Ishmael but she doesn’t hand him over. Instead the whole scene becomes bitter and embattled.

I chose to sit still. Have you seen a workaholic wait? It isn’t at all pretty.  BUT:

Psalm 127:1 Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.

So what are you grabbing for that isn’t in its season? Can you wait for what God has for you?   I promise it will be better than anything you can make happen!

 

 

Year End Wrap Up

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This past year and a half I tasked myself with the goal of rediscovery. Through a wake up call, I took the hint and applied it. I took on no new projects, I had alone time as much as possible and I gave no explanations to anyone as I trekked through this season of health issues and heart issues alone with the Holy Spirit. I knew those who loved me would pray and not judge and those who didn’t wouldn’t understand and I had to be fine with the criticisms as it was my journey to take. I am peeking my head out and arising slowly back to my place in the life I have chosen with surrender. I am wiser, stronger, and realize that sometimes the Lord is doing a power shift where he is carefully orchestrating a new level. It doesn’t mean you are going anywhere necessarily, but it means there is a new focus or a refocus of things that were set aside for what you felt was a bigger issue but wasn’t where the Lord was taking you.

As this year unfolds I will share the journey and what it has taught me as I don’t believe lessons you learn are just for you. It would be selfish to think you’re the only person going through any issue.

My main focus as we end 2015 is don’t be afraid to be set aside for a season. Don’t be afraid of the No in life. Sometimes demanding your way and kicking in the door isn’t wise. Sometimes you have to trust and really mean the Thy Will Be Done part of your prayer. It’s not about people trying to hurt you or make you feel less than. It’s about a whole picture that only God sees. Wouldn’t it be great if we could see the whole picture but for now we catch a glimpse.

Was there pain? You bet! Was there hurt in the criticisms? Of course! Were there people whom you care about who resented you were not in place? Yes. The main question is did the Lord set you apart for this season? If so, then all the other stuff is washed away. Forgive those who chose to condemn. Forgive those who tried to kick your door in and force you into their agenda. It’s been a long season but inwardly productive. I am pleased with the progress and ready to go! I pray in whatever season you are in you can listen carefully. There is work to do in your community. There are people to reach for Jesus. Taking your ball and going home is not helpful but knowing what the Lord is calling you to do is. Praying for you always!

Integrated

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Integrated – Adjective – combining or coordinating separate elements so as to provide a harmonious, interrelated whole:
an integrated plot; an integrated course of study.
2.organized or structured so that constituent units function cooperatively:an integrated economy.
3.having, including, or serving members of different racial, religious, and ethnic groups as equals:

I was sitting with my Godmother who is 89 years old. She was born in a time of segregation and being a Latina I am acutely aware of these circumstances on some levels and acutely oblivious on other levels. Meaning my heart hurts at the stories but to say I have experienced this level of treatment in my lifetime would be a lie.

My Godmother told her story with quiet assuredness,

“My mother wanted us to attend Cecil Avenue School. It was the white school and some of us our parents sent us to that school for a better education. Back in those days it was much different than it is today. We were not allowed to eat in the cafeteria because we were Mexican. Instead we had to eat outside. In the rain, in the heat, whatever the weather was, but we were kids and we made the best of it. Huddled under trees we stuck together.”

I sit and listen to her story and wonder if this is the reason she became a school secretary? She certainly never hesitated to give a student a what for. “You’re here to get an education make yourself a better person. You’re here so that if you desire you can go to college. You have been given more opportunities than we ever had. Don’t waste them.”

This is why segregation in any form is abhorrent to me. This ideal that it’s us against them regardless of the excuses for the behavior is ignorant. Studies show integration pulls people up not down. So why do we so quickly abandon the notion of equality? Because it requires we set our mindsets and our idea of who they, whichever they we are prejudice about, are aside for the truth. The truth being that we are all more alike than we care to think. That regardless of where we came from we are now here, wherever here is for you, and therefore should be working together to make here better.

On my way to see my Godmother I listened a podcast on This American Life. I have posted the link at the end of this post and I would ask you to listen to it by clicking on it please. I cried because here we are still squawking about equality by being separatists. It’s no better in the church. We elevate the segregation to doctrinal issues to make it holy.

Yet, I have hope. I see millennials who are crossing lines, untethered by pants, raised hands, and a tone of a voice which makes it male or female, and instead making an effort to make the world a better place in the name of Jesus. While CNN and FOX scream about Jihadists 24/7 there is terrorism of a different kind going on, in our neighborhoods and in the church. Let’s make a difference where we can. I think Jesus would be pleased if we extended our hands regardless of the color of our skin.

Click Here for This American Life Podcast

What’s In A Name?

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from: http://www.lynnegolodner.com/author/lynneschreiber/
from: http://www.lynnegolodner.com/author/lynneschreiber/

When my daughter Casey sends a text I know instantly without reading it what my position is. You see when it’s business and information she starts the text out with, “Hi Mom” and proceeds with what is needed. When it’s encouragement or love that is needed she starts out the text with, “Mommy”. This week her note to me was positioned as Mommy and my posture was immediately that of refuge.

A name positions the posture you take in any given situation. You respond to the moment by the name you are called. The Lord has a name by which he responds to and it is in the posture that you have positioned Him in.

Relationship determines what name you use. My immediate family calls me Susie. No one else does and is corrected immediately because no one else has that familiarity with me. It’s a name from my childhood and reserved for those special people who were there in that time. My friends call me Susan, my given name, the one I use daily.

What is your relationship with The Lord and what do you call him? Are you like Casey who calls upon the name that is needed in the circumstance? Do you share that kind of intimacy with Him that he knows by the name you are using how he will respond to your request? My hope is that you do. It takes time to develop the relationship to get to the place where intimacy happens. There are so many characteristics of God and to call upon him in those times of need with that assuredness that he will answer brings a peace to your soul that is unimaginable.

I come running to my daughter when she calls out to her mommy. Yes, she is almost 30 years old but it invokes in me a concern and a privilege that only I hold and that I can’t describe. It invokes in my heart a necessity that can’t be filled by anyone else. How much more does Our Father come running when we call upon him in the familiar? When He is our One and Only in that given moment is when the intimacy happens, when the questions are answered, when the advice is given. Let us draw near to Him. It’s never too late to start.

The Art of Bouncing Back

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Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.
Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.

As a woman in ministry there is a big target on your back and you can fall prey to the haters if you aren’t careful. I want to speak to the wife of a Pastor today because she is especially vulnerable to the arrows that hit her blindside.

It’s not about going around trying to stir up trouble. As long as you are honest and you articulate what you believe to be true, somebody somewhere will become your enemy whether you like it or not. ~Criss Jami

I am watching two very different women in ministry. A young Pastor’s wife, we’ll name her Jane, with a heart for the Lord who is being torn apart by unrealistic expectations, and a Pastor’s wife, Chris, who is being slaughtered by those who profess to wear the banner of love. It’s painful even from a distance.

In both cases you have women who love the Lord and are actively involved in their church. They are there at every event and they are there to serve. They pray. They seek the Lord. They speak words of revelation and life and yet they are lonely. They want to be a part of something that they have not been invited to.

So what’s the problem? Young Pastor’s wife Jane is an intercessor. She’s friendly but introverted. She will be at the church praying on any given day once her children are off to school, however Jane doesn’t lead a ministry. Jane has prayed over me powerfully but if I ask her to speak at our women’s conference Jane politely declines and says, “but I’ll help you serve food and I’ll help you at the altar”. Her church feels she needs to step it up. Only who decides that? I read the bible and there is this ministry called Helps and it is very necessary in the church.

Then there is Chris she is prophetic and a powerhouse speaker. Her church would like for her to stand down based on a misconception of a biblical view of women that are to be seen and not heard. Man! If only we could switch churches for them maybe their congregations would be happy. Unfortunately, their husbands were called to their place.

The biggest difference between leaders of large organizations and small organizations isn’t their location, the size of their building, the scope of their vision, the number of staff members, or their talent. In fact, some of the best leaders I’ve met have small organizations. But in all of my consulting and conferences, I’ve seen a single factor: leaders of larger organizations have proven they can handle more pain. ~ Sam Chand

So let’s do away with the expectation of a pastor’s wife. She may be called to lead a ministry or support it. She may be called to be a pastor or not. I can promise you one thing is for sure, she will fail someone at some point because no one is perfect. From a biblical view I don’t think the church gets to decide who she is to be. I think God does and I think he’s pretty sure about his expectations, and I would bet money on the fact that we’re supposed to trust Him. Let’s show a little mercy. The art of bouncing back becomes a little more difficult each time.