September

September 20, 2013September 21, 2013 tlc4women1 Comment

Do you remember the 21st night of September?
Love was changing the mind of pretenders
While chasing the clouds aways

Our hearts were ringing
In the key that our souls were singing
As we danced in the night
Remember, how the stars stole the night away ~ Earth Wind and Fire September

September. The ninth month. A month of birthing dreams and prophetic destinies. What a month. The song rolling through our minds was September because it spoke of the last day of summer and my due date to birth my son. Only my son marches to the beat of his own drummer and so he decided to arrive on the first day of fall instead. Not one to go out on the last season, he began his life by marking a new season. How could I have known that this wonderful joy would so enthrall my life?

Yet, here he is on the eve of his 32nd birthday and he is just as wonderful to me as the day he was born. As I write this, he on vacation with his wife in Washington D.C.. This makes me smile as I know he is a happy traveler and especially happy to share his life with Frances. He loves history and I know he is a walking encyclopedia of every historical event marker there. This kind of vacation makes him happy!

In the middle of September we’d still play out in the rain
Nothing to lose but everything to gain
Reflecting now on how things could’ve been
It was worth it in the end ~ Daughtry

So the timing was off in his conception and birth. And everything was completely backward in the scheme of what we know to do. The fact still remains it was worth it in the end. To know love at this level and experience a tiny little hand in yours who trusts you for everything life giving. It’s the responsibility that none should take casually.

September 22: “Autumn is the perfect time to take account of what we’ve done, what we didn’t do, and what we’d like to do next year.” ~ Author Unknown

So here is my assessment of September 22:

What we’ve done – created and birthed a simply outstanding human being. Words can not express how I feel about this love of mine. He is kind, and he shows such a strength about him. He is funny in a sarcastic way and I love to be with him and listen to his jokes, his politics, his thoughts on his life with Jesus.

What we didn’t do – We didn’t slow down enough. I was always in a hurry, always running to the next thing, I so want a do over on those things.

What we’d like to do next year – Haha! Is it too too much to hope that next year we are holding a little mini me combo of Anthony and Frances? Is it okay to dream aloud? I know that I will be a solidly great and fantastic Nana!

Happy Birthday Anthony!! You are forever loved and will always be My Sunshine!

Waiting for the Right One

August 12, 2013August 12, 2013 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Tish had been talking about getting a small dog for years. She wanted one who would fit easily into her lap when she got home from work. A small dog would be easy to walk. She poured over pictures and facts of small dogs and went to work on finding one. She determined that she didn’t need the dog to be any particular breed so she drove down to her local animal shelter.

She could hear the dogs barking as she pulled up the dusty driveway to the shelter door and she began to feel anxious with anticipation. Tish took a deep breath swallowed hard and began her search. The first section of the shelter were small kennels three high with cats. Knowing that she didn’t want a cat, she moved past that section to the second section where the dogs were.

Tish peered into each kennel. Some of the dogs were sitting quietly staring back at her, others were lying down and wouldn’t look her in the eye and still others were barking and moving frantically trying to get her attention. Nearing the last of the dog kennels she hadn’t seen a small dog yet. They were all medium to large dogs and not what she was looking for. Sighing she took a look in the last kennel of the shelter and there stood a porcupine. She laughed out loud at the thought of a porcupine locked in a kennel at the animal shelter.

She walked over to one of the volunteers and asked where they kept the small dogs. The volunteer told her that right now they didn’t have any small dogs but if she kept checking back they were bound to get one as they came in regularly. She was a little disappointed but she was determined to find her little dog.

For a week, she’d drive down to the shelter each day on her lunch break. Each day, new dogs arrived, and each time they did, they were too big. She’d walk the length of the kennels and at the end of the kennel she’d once again see the porcupine.

She began to notice that the porcupine had soft hair but it was intermingled with with sharp quills that lied flat on its back, sides, and tail. She smiled to herself as she thought this porcupine was actually quite cute. Once again she left without her small dog.

The next day, she returned to the shelter and once again there were no small dogs. Feeling a little desperate and tired of searching, she decided to bring home the porcupine. She stopped at the local feed store and discovered that porcupines eat tree bark and leaves and so she went about building a habitat for her porcupine. She tried a few times to pet the porcupine but each time she did a quill would get stuck in her skin and she wasn’t able to get it out without a great amount of pain and help from others.

Still she persevered trying to make this porcupine into the small dog she wanted. She tried to put it on a leash, she tried to put it in her lap and each time she was stuck by a quill. Tish realized too late that she had made a mistake but she had invested so much time and money.

You might think Tish is stupid in her choice and that you would never make that mistake. Only let’s be real we all make that mistake when people tell us who they are and we choose not to believe them and try to mold them into what we want them to be instead of waiting to get the real deal.

How many women do we know that are sitting on the couch across from a porcupine when in their dreams they wanted a lap dog? All because they couldn’t wait for potential to manifest itself.

*Adapted from a quote on the Dr. Laura show.

The Two Dogs

July 19, 2013July 16, 2013 tlc4womenLeave a comment

A MAN had two dogs: a Hound, trained to assist him in his sports, and a Housedog, taught to watch the house. When he returned home after a good day’s sport, he always gave the Housedog a large share of his spoil. The Hound, feeling much aggrieved at this, reproached his companion, saying, “It is very hard to have all this labor, while you, who do not assist in the chase, luxuriate on the fruits of my exertions.” The Housedog replied, “Do not blame me, my friend, but find fault with the master, who has not taught me to labor, but to depend for subsistence on the labor of others.”

Children are not to be blamed for the faults of their parents.

Translated by George Fyler Townsend. Aesop’s Fables (p. 36). Amazon Digital Services, Inc..

Creating Sacred Space

July 15, 2013July 14, 2013 tlc4womenLeave a comment

Hebrews 13:4 Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband.

I am a firm believer in a marriage bed. I believe it is sacred space. I am not a big fan of a family bed because I believe that it erodes a small piece of intimacy between a husband and a wife. That being said, I let a little something come between my husband and I. I began to let Lulu the wonder dog, snuggle in our bed before she had to go to her crate. My husband quickly referred to her as “the space between”. I had violated my own rule!

In most homes there is a living space, a dining space, a kitchen, a bathroom, and then there are bedrooms. Can there be one space where a man and a woman find a place of romance, beauty, intimacy and oneness? You share you life with so many in those places that creating a sacred space for just two people seems like a small thing to ask.

With that said, over the next little while in my life, I’m going to spend some time redoing our sacred space. I love our bedding, but I had put our “good stuff” away because I didn’t want Lulu to mess it up. We’re taking back our sacred space! I simply allowed her to jump on the bed and lie at our feet, but she’ll adapt, and we’ll go back to that space being for the two of us.

Words Have Power

July 1, 2013June 30, 2013 tlc4womenLeave a comment

In the scope of a week in my world:

1. Paula Deen gets fired for saying the N word 27 years ago.

2. I scan over an article, deem it worthy of sharing on FB, then as I am reading it out loud, I realize it is over the top in language and I plunge towards my computer to delete the message. Too late in those few minutes a bunch of people have read it and I am mortified. I apologize for it, but too late I’ve already been judged it for and it’s fair, and I accept the blame.

3. I see a picture of one of the church guys on FB. He’s dressed in a tux and sunglasses and someone has responded about the pimp in the picture. Never mind that he is a husband and a father of daughters. The same daughters that pimps would try to exploit if they had the chance.

We all make stupid mistakes.

In the case of Paula Deen I guess my question is has she changed? Is she sorry she got caught or is she more evolved? I will never know, I don’t run in her circles. I would want my sorry to mean something though.

I have never said the N word. I wasn’t brought up in her neck of the woods. In my vicinity it’s more about the spics, the wetbacks, and the coconuts. I’ve never said those words either but I’ve felt their sting before. More lately the words seem to be sexually powered rather than racially motivated. Pimp, ho, gangsta, biatch (which always catches my attention because of the spelling). I’ve also taken note of the people who say them. They tend to be ignorant.

“So what are ya?”, I was asked while in Texas. Ok, I tend to be more than a little sarcastic, so I replied, “a woman, what do you mean what am I?” “I know that! I mean where ya from?” “California, third generation. I’m American. Do you want to know if I’m a Latina? Yes I am.” “I know that! What kind?” As if it would matter, “Mexican.” And there it is, the little sneer that tells me that you think I’m less than you and where I wish Alex Trebek would show up on cue and show you I am not any more or less a person, but I more than likely have you beat in my world. I get the fervor over Paula Deen’s comment. It stings.

I also see life from her perspective. She was brought up in a place and time where there was an us and a them. I’m from the next generation and don’t feel that way. I was born in a time after desegregation and so my friends were everyone. Our generation, those who weren’t ignorant, didn’t go around calling each other stereotypical names. It was too fresh and too raw. We knew better. That’s where my generation parts ways with the generation that comes after us. To call someone the N word, a pimp, a ho, gangsta, etc… is met with distain and offense on my part because I know what those words mean and I don’t think by making them seem cool changes the meaning of the word. The generation after me glorifies sexualization and money no matter who you have to enslave to get there. Suddenly being a pimp and selling women to get money seems like a cool way to make a living. Until it’s your daughter.

Words. They are powerful, they mark territory, people, and more importantly show who we are. Use them carefully. Weigh them out. Would you be okay if someone called you a profiling name and then said, “oh just kidding”? Let’s be smarter. I promise to be.

The Can’t Get It Together Dads

June 26, 2013June 24, 2013 tlc4women4 Comments

Scare a woman and she will attack. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Listening to an interview with Cindy Crawford she talked about life after her parent’s divorce and how it shaped her adult life. She said her father would come by their home once a week to drop off his child support except when he was mad at her mother. Then he would punish his family by not providing support for that week which created a scenario where they were short on groceries. She said that the effect on her as a child created an inner vow in which she said she would never depend on a man for finances. That vow created a problem in her marriage where her husband wanted to take care of her but she could not allow it. She had to reconcile this vow within her to reasonable conclusion.

Scare a woman and she will attack.

My cousin recently posted on Facebook that her husband took their daughter’s high school graduation program to the court the following week to cut his child support, even though their daughter received great grades and was going to college. Basically he let his daughter know he was not going to be responsible for her education and that he had been biding his time. The immediate ramifications are rejection, hurt, and disappointment to a young adult whom this man has donated sperm to, but not fathered. Abuse in any form is intolerable.

Scare a woman and she will attack.

I know a man, who refused to pay his full child support. He would tell his ex wife, “you’ll get what you get”. Their custody arrangement was one in which he was to pay for half of the medical but he would call her cussing and yelling at her every time she took their children to the doctor and would tell her he would not F&**%$# pay for it. What was she doing wrong that made them sick. When his daughter needed braces his reply was, his teeth were straight so it obviously was the mother’s DNA that created the problem so she could pay for it. College? Forget it. He paid partial payments of his inadequate support to coincide with their 18th birthday. Visitation was random to say the least. Yet to hear it be told he was misunderstood. Fortunately for this little family of three, another man came in and picked up the tab and they were saved from the statistic that besets women of falling into poverty.

Scare a woman and she will attack.

In all of these cases the children were abused. I call it abuse because not caring whether your children have enough food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, education, and above all love is abuse. I could quote scripture but a get it together dad is unbeliever because love would have led them to a different conclusion.

The results of this type of behavior have long lasting effects. Children live their lives always looking over their shoulders not sure if they will be taken care of or not because security is what both their parents should have given. They can’t fully trust in a relationship because at any moment that person may walk and they will be left holding the bag of responsibility. I’m sorry doesn’t make up for the years of abuse poured on by the can’t get it together dad.

Scare a woman and she will attack.

Sadly though she attacks the wrong man.

The Object Of My Affection

June 24, 2013June 24, 2013 tlc4women1 Comment

In a Human Sexuality class that I took in college we studied the topic of public displays of affection, or PDA. We determined to shelf what Western Civilization deems as normal, holding hands, a kiss. We discussed the topic of making out, grabbing each other’s butts or breasts, or grinding on the dance floor. What did it say about a person? How did it make those around them feel? What was the meaning behind it?

The discussion went along the vein of it makes others feel uncomfortable when a couple is groping at each other. Until that discussion I had never really thought about what it meant. Yes, it can be uncomfortable and very inappropriate to view someone’s private life on display in public but was there a meaning there? Then the professor brought up a thought process that I had never considered. He proposed that the groping of each other in public is actually not for the sexual pleasure of the couple but rather a branding or peeing on territory. In other words, grabbing your girlfriend’s butt in public let’s everyone know he/she is your property. Grabbing her breast in public shows everyone what little respect you have for her and what little respect she has for herself. She becomes a willing object rather than a human being. Interestingly, along comes a study in 2010 by the University of Virginia called the National Marriage Project, it showed that couples who engage in PDA are 1.5 times more likely to end in divorce. Why? PDA is more about performing and looking good for others than putting the needs of your partner first.

Then there was the topic of hickeys. Sucking on someone’s neck until you bruise them. Interestingly if you bruise a woman or a child you could be charged with abuse, but bruising a neck has no such connotation until you think about it. What does it speak to the world about you? It plainly says that you are intimate. For a married couple that should be a given, for a single couple that says what? It also brands you as property. One male classmate actually shared that he gave hickeys as a sign to his friends that he had gotten somewhere with that girl. Interestingly, the guys in our class thought it was trashy for a women to have hickeys, but didn’t mind giving them. So they were saying in essence that they would devalue a woman if she devalued herself. I will never forget that discussion.

Ladies, we aren’t cows that need to be branded as someone’s property. I don’t need to make out in public with my husband to prove our intimacy with each other. Time will prove if what we have between us is real or fake.

Have you ever thought about what it says to the world when you show up to work, school, church, or a friend’s house with a hickey? It means you are someone’s object. I am not some thing. I am someone. I am a daughter of a King. I am not one who considers that a small insignificant matter. I am not defined by any man’s perspective of me. I’ve been defined already. I don’t know, I think we’ve fought too hard to get to where we are to cheapen ourselves and let the world know that we don’t consider ourselves much.

Balancing the Overachiever 3

June 21, 2013June 19, 2013 tlc4womenLeave a comment

If you missed the last installment click here so it will all make sense.

Let’s get down to brass tacks and let me show you what I did. Hopefully it will give you some ideas to balance out your work and home life.

Here are the guidelines I came up with for balancing my work schedule. I hope they can help you:

1. Figure out what your job description requires of you and then meet the needs based on what you can realistically do as one person. Have an honest discussion with your boss of what you can and cannot do. It may be that another person is needed to help you complete all the tasks before you. Delegate out what you can’t finish and quit saying yes to everything that comes your way. When my boss comes to me and says he needs three extra things done that week, I assess realistically if it can happen or not. Sometimes, I have to say I can’t fit it in. Guess what? He finds someone else who can. It doesn’t fall, we aren’t the only arms, even though we may think it can’t get done without us, it can! Trust your delegates. If they drop the ball, learn the lesson, move on. More often than not they will give you way more than you expected. It won’t be done as you would do it exactly, but it will be done.

Here are my job duties:

administration, counseling, women’s ministry, writing, oversee several departments, bible studies, mentoring.

2. Figure out how to divide your time and while maybe not giving everything it’s proper due, finding a balance and delegating the rest. In other words, for my workplace, administration is a 40 hour week. I give 24 hours of my time and I delegate 10. It still lacks hours but until we can afford to hire someone full time it is what it is.

Counseling I can give 6 hours to. It limits the number of clients I can take in but I am more effective to it and I determined not to do long term counseling, I refer out anything that requires more than I can give out of fairness to the client.

Women’s ministry, bible study I give 10 hours to. Writing I give 10 hours to. Overseeing and mentoring I give an additional 10 hours to once a month. So one week a month I work 60 hours instead of 50 average.

3. Set clear hours for your work. I work in the office two and a half days per week. I do nothing but administrating church work, whatever that entails, and one full day dedicated to paperwork alone, no interruptions. By focusing and not multi-tasking I am able to get a lot more accomplished. Remember the adage;

Winners focus – Losers spray

Focus on the task for the day. Most things that are urgent really aren’t important. Recognize the difference and work from there. Trust your gut and don’t be afraid.

The shackles of overachievement were never intended for you. You are to enjoy your life. It’s the only one you have. Work with all of your heart while you are at work. Then shut it down, ignore the phone, and play with your family with all of your heart. You’ll live with a lot less regret.

Balancing The Overachiever 2

June 19, 2013June 19, 2013 tlc4women1 Comment

If you’re just tuning in please go back and catch the first installment here.

Last year, those who have hung with me that long, saw that I really began to put balance into play. I’d slip up, but then I’d get back on track again and really try to balance it out. It felt foreign. It felt slothful. It didn’t fit. My husband smiled more, but I had an inward battle to fight, just like anyone addicted to anything. I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking of all the things I had to do. I’d sneak downstairs with my computer and get emails written and things done before I could be discovered. There were nights, or mornings, when my husband would startle me, sneaking downstairs and standing behind me and saying, “What on earth are you doing?” It was work to kick the habit of habitually working.

Then I figured it out and I put a business plan together for balance. Sound crazy? Maybe, but if you’re an overachiever the goal you set is always in your mind and you will not only meet it, you will supersede it, because that is who you are and what you are good at. I have to tell you that at this writing I’ve met my goals! I work so hard at balancing that my husband laughs at me while enjoying me more. It can be done.

I work an average of 50 hours per week 3 out of 4.3 weeks, keep reading before you scoff. The last week I add an additional 8 hours of work. It totally works for me and I have been able to cut about 12-15 hours out of my work week. Next year my goal is cut an additional 5 hours from my week, but for now, I am really happy with the results because I take two additional days off a month now, okay let me tell the truth, I try to take two additional days off per month reducing my work hours for the month by 16 hours total. I go and visit my mother, who lives 2.5 hours away once a month. That never happened before because I was always too busy. My mother would say, “Aye, mija, you’re always working.” I don’t feel guilty if I get a migraine or the flu and have to come home to take care of my body. I don’t try to muscle through it. I’ve decided I’m not that tough and I’m worth taking care of. I also have one day a month that I call the recharge day. Nothing gets done that day. I stay in pajamas all day. It’s heaven on earth actually. In next post we’ll break it down to brass tacks on how to rework your life plan.

Balancing the Overachiever

June 17, 2013June 14, 2013 tlc4women2 Comments

If you’re like me you have spent far too many years working far too many hours. The accomplishments, the accolades, and the personal satisfaction have been big ego boosters and a driving force to keep you going but at some point, you may have, or will eventually, discover that it came with a big fat price tag.

Time is all that you have.

We become slaves to the things that drive us, and that’s counterintuitive to the very nature of our being- freedom. So how do you balance your work and your life because for some of us, maybe most of us in America, we measure our lives in terms of our work. What we do is who we are and we forget that we are human beings and not human doings. At some point in an overachiever’s life it no longer becomes about the money but the work.

There is a difference between an overachiever and a hoarder. For those whose love of money outweighs their love of anything else, they become slaves to their balance statement. For the overachiever there is a drive within them that says to them every step of the way, “there’s one more step before it’s really finished”. The problem is there is always one more step and one more step and time slips by quickly. We bring death closer to our doorstep by the mere stress it causes to be so driven. So at the end of your life what do you want your life to say about you?

No one is so powerful that they can stop the march of time. ~ St. Marher

A couple of years ago you saw me begin to write about balance, or maybe I’m kidding myself and it’s been way more than a couple of years ago. I began to see the toll on my life and the fact that the fun things I had wanted to do with my life kept getting shelved for the things I felt were more important. Family time was basically when I could fit it into my schedule. My husband kept saying he wanted to spend time with me. People find this crazy because we work together but we don’t really see each other during the course of our day. I ate dinner standing up long after everyone was finished, or worse I’d rush dinner so I could go back to work. It wasn’t working. For now, I’m out of time with you today so let’s pick this back up next time and I’ll show how I worked my plan and how it’s working out. Not perfected yet, but how does cutting 10-15 hours of your work week sound at this point? Impossible? Maybe not. It’s all in what you want your life to say about you.