My Second Resolution is my family before my obligations. Christmas Day, I watched my mother who is 68 go into mom mode. She is a good Mexican mother so she quickly put the tamales on the stove, the chili verde to warm along with the beans and rice. We arrived and all the food was ready. Her face fell when we said we weren’t hungry. She then went into mega mom mode as she asked us every 15 minutes if we were hungry now. We finally all sat down to eat with her.
Her face shone with satisfaction at having her family home. I watched her gleam as she watched her grandchildren. Anthony is her favorite, something about a Mexican grandma and her first born grandson. Anthony hung the moon in my mother’s eyes. She hovers over him and Anthony has such a love for his Nana that the scene just oozes love. After my kids left, Doug and the kids and my stepdad went into the family room to watch television. I cleaned up my mom’s kitchen all the while she kept saying, “LEAVE IT”. She wanted my time not my service.
When I finished cleaning her kitchen I sat with her at the kitchen table. She brought her homemade candy and cookies so we could talk. I looked at mom and how happy she was. Once again she told me how worried she was about how much I worked.
I realized that each year one of my goals is to spend more time with my mom. It never happens. There is a church to run, counseling to do, a store to manage, a family of my own, my girlfriends say they miss me and my dog needs a walk. Too much stress in my life and suddenly months have gone by and I haven’t visited my mom. Instead I call her every other day. She deserves and needs more than that.
How many times have I been told by my friends who don’t have their moms here anymore how much they wish they could have spent time with her? How many times have I heard from my friends who live in the same town as their mom how much their mom drives them crazy? I’ve never made room in my life for my mom to drive me crazy. This year, I’m going to put my action where my mouth is. I won’t have my mom forever, I need to make time for her now. What about you? Are you neglecting family putting others first? Are family members asking for your time?
The democratic style of parenting, and I’m not talking about the political party, is not sound parenting. Some things are not up for a vote or discussion. In no way am I advocating abuse or unreasonable behavior we all know everything can become extreme. Let me give you an example of what I am talking about. Tonight I am fixing lasagna for dinner. I didn’t consult anyone, I am in charge of that area of our household and so I made a decision. Now, let’s say one of my kids gets upset and decides that tonight they don’t want to eat lasagna. That is totally fine with me. You don’t have to eat lasagna if you don’t want to but I am not making something else to eat. They can make a sandwich, eat leftovers whatever. There is no vote here. Many of you would say that is harsh but honestly, that is life. What do I teach when I coddle a whim and fix a different meal for each person? Yes, sometimes I will ask what everyone would like to eat but not often. I’ve been given a task and I do it well. I know what my family likes and what they don’t and I would never purposefully make something they didn’t like to eat. See it starts with these small, seemingly insignificant processes.
When a boss says that she needs something done and I don’t feel like doing it then if I’ve been trained in a democracy I will simply decide not to do it and let her know I don’t feel this is a task for me and require her to give me something else to do. If I do that often enough, I will get fired. If I get fired I will be the victim but only in my mind, because I was taught that people move for me, I don’t move for people. See no boundary was established and no sense of team playing was established because in a democracy when I don’t like something I not only vocally say so I also vote it out. Only that’s not real life is it?
We are doing a big disservice to our children by not teaching them that they have responsibilities that lie squarely on their shoulders and that one day they will have to rule their own life. My daughter Casey was recently invited to her boyfriend’s summer home with his family. She said that his mother complimented her on her upbringing. We might ask why this was a shock to his mother but I think we all know that manners are a much sought after commodity. She told Casey that she was a woman who was well-mannered and helpful and she didn’t see that very often these days. Casey had been nervous about going but her training served her well.
Casey laughed when I reminded her of all the times she was angry with me because I corrected her manners and made her clean up whether she “felt” like it or not. Casey used to say to me as a little girl, “I’m like Cinderella around here.” She was always a bit dramatic. She gave me a really hard time always questioning why she had to do things that her friends did not. Every single Saturday morning we got up early and did family chores. She hated it and voiced her complaints each time. We’d get all the chores done by noon and then spend the afternoon doing family things like swimming in the pool or going to the movies or shopping or whatever but we got our work out of the way first. It wasn’t up for a vote though. It was clearly established. Now years later she told me it was the best thing for her. She said it’s her best memory of family time and taught her about getting priorities out of the way, working together to get things done and then having your fun with nothing over your head.
Parents, don’t be afraid to set order. I am convinced without a shadow of a doubt that those who order their lives are happier than those who live their lives in chaos. Those who see a monarchy for what it is, a set order of relationship and responsibility do better than those who are continually striving to overthrow the government of a house by a vote.
In a nutshell, the mandate on parenting is pretty simple. You, who are parents, were given a mission by God. That mission was to raise up a child from birth to 18 or so. When I say or so I don’t mean 30. In those 18 years you are to teach them to one day inherit their own throne, in other words, their own home, job and material possessions and family. They are to rule in the image of God and take dominion and subdue the earth (Genesis 1:27-28). In Jewish tradition the age is lowered to 13. At 13 a boy becomes a man and by then he is expected to know and have acquired the education of what is expected of him in honoring his faith and the commandments of the Lord as a man. The last five years are spent discovering his character as a man. With two children up and out I can tell you that time flies and that you must start early.
The problem is that we are waiting much too long to teach or we are not teaching at all the virtue that is going to be required of a king or a queen of their own domain. So our kids go off to college and they don’t know what to do. Many can’t do laundry, balance a checkbook, budget, cook, keep a job or study on their own. They don’t know basic things about modesty, things like their bodies being precious gifts and that a reputation is to be guarded. In listening recently to a former college dean he says that parents would send their children off to college with a set amount of money for the semester. That child would spend the money within weeks and then come to see him when book fees or lab fees were overdue looking for a bail out. Instead of taking their children back home for more training the parents would send more money. The only thing is, money doesn’t fix a lack of preparation and pretty soon the reckless behavior shows up in other places like drugs and alcohol and other bad behavior. The child was not prepared and the fault lies squarely, in most cases, but not all, on the parents lack of training in these areas. Let’s face it, you know your child and you know if they can handle adult life on their own or not. It doesn’t really seem fair to throw a kid, regardless of age, into a situation they have not been prepared to handle.
So instead of teaching your children to rule their own life, parents instead are teaching their children to be a prince or princess for the rest of their life. In other words, the parents will always be responsible for the children. Some parents have 30 year old children at home without steady jobs just living off of their parents. Some parents have children who are married with children and have never left home.
Parents were never given the task to control their children’s lives forever. Eventually they are to set up their own homes independent of you and live their own lives. I have friends whose children are grown with children of their own. These friends have bought every car their children have driven, their homes, pay their cable and cell phone bills and insurance, babysit on a regular basis and well you get the picture. They have raised their children to be a prince with no idea how to be a king. I don’t even know if they realize the fact that their need to control their children is so great that they have made them servants or slaves instead of royalty.
The reason why this is a disservice is that these parents will more than likely not out-live their children. At one point in that child’s life the responsibility will shift and they won’t know what to do with it. They are setting up their children for failure and are completely unaware. At some point we have to launch the arrow into its target destiny.
When I look at the biblical model of a family I see a type of monarchy. The word monarchy means that there is a king who sovereignly rules over a territory. The word sovereign means final authority or the right to rule. So those of us who follow Christ have a different view of what a family ought to look like because our model is not that of a democracy. A democracy is a territory ruled by the people where the ruler is voted in or out.
The problem with a democratic family is that there is no set leader because that leader is only a leader while the people are happy. The moment that the people aren’t happy the leader is voted out and a different direction is taken. This becomes confusing at best and the direction and vision for this type of family is never clearly defined as the boundaries change with the will of the people. God never designed a family to be a democracy. It’s a dangerous and often destructive concept.
I blog about this today because I see very weary parents who don’t want to be parents and I see many children with no direction other than to head opposite of where their parents are going or directing. Mostly parents are just lost on what to do and the world is telling them that they don’t have to do anything. Parents throw their hands up in desperation because they don’t know what to do and everyone in the family loses out on what can and should be a beautiful life. This all happens when we don’t follow a biblical model of what it means to parent.
It’s a pretty easy system, the biblical example of parenting, and it’s practical and wise. God is pretty clear on how we are supposed to raise our children and he even gives us good parenting examples and bad parenting examples to learn from. It is pretty clear though that God isn’t about democratic parenting. See in a monarchy there is a king. The children of the king will never be kings or queens in their father’s house until one of two things happen. Either the king dies or he retires. The children of the king are prince and princesses in their father’s home. I can see a model of this in the royal family of England where Queen Elizabeth is the head of the family and her son Charles is first in line to the throne. He is not king but rather prince. Prince William is also in line to the throne and as such we’ve watched him as he is groomed in every protocol to do with inheriting the throne some day. The only way for Prince Charles to become king is to conquer a territory and put him in place. Prince Charles however is never going to be king in his mother’s home. A monarchy is not designed that way. He can never vote her out and she has the final say so. He can have an opinion but it’s ultimately her decision on what is done.
This is how we need to train our children. We need to train them up to one day inherit their own kingdom. A prince who is not taught the principles of being a king will never be effective or self sufficient (sovereign). If a king is given a throne but can’t sustain it he will be overthrown. He will have two options at that point. He will have to return to his father’s kingdom and stay a prince or his father will have to overthrow a kingdom and support his son’s false sense of sovereignty.
Synthetic: not natural or genuine; artificial or contrived:
We’ve all seen the American Idol try-outs and all of the other reality shows like America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance etc… We’ve seen some great talent and we’ve some people that leave you wondering, “What were they thinking?”
The ones that crack me up are the ones where their parents yell at the judges for being idiots because they didn’t acknowledge their child’s talent. I know we all think our kids are wonderful. We all think our kids are the best looking and best at everything but it simply isn’t reality is it? There are talents your child has that mine never will. That has to be okay with me. My children can’t be great at everything. Giving them a false sense of who they are doesn’t help them either. We set them up to fail. We over-inflate their egos and then when real life hits they can’t cope.
A couple of years ago I watched a season of American Idol like someone who watches a train wreck. My heart went out to one contestant, Sanjaya, because he seemed like a nice kid but he didn’t sing anywhere on the same level as the others. He became a joke to the world that was very cruel to him berating his singing. Then there was the Internet site that was dedicated to voting for the worst singer and he kept winning. But it was synthetic because it could not be sustained. When he finally lost, it broke his heart. You could see it and your heart really went out to him. His 15 minutes of fame were over but it came with a cost to him personally.
It’s the same thing that we are seeing with young Hollywood today. Most of them have been pumped up synthetically that they can’t handle life. So they are drinking and driving and going to rehab and flipping out and it’s all because they see themselves in a pseudo reality. They think they can walk on water without help. It’s not just Hollywood it seems to be pervasive throughout society. Around the Sanjaya time frame there were the Barbie Bandits who robbed a bank and went on a shopping trip is a great example of a synthetic self image. One of their mothers said that they didn’t deserve to go to jail because they were good girls. Do good girls rob banks to have shopping money? What if the teller had been ill with a weak heart? What if there had been a shoot-out? There are so many scenarios that they didn’t care about or didn’t weigh, in either case it’s still deserves jail time.
Synthetic is not real. It has no substance that you can build on. So instead we pump up the plastic. But what happens to plastic when you turn up the heat? It melts and as it does it molds into different shapes getting smaller and smaller. It ends up nothing but a small piece of nothing it resembled in the first place.
In life you win some and you lose some and you get up either way and keep moving forward. There is nothing sadder than a person who lives out the rest of his life in his past glory trying to recapture that win again. Instead, God says we move from glory to glory. Sadder still is the person who is stuck in his loss and refuses to try again.
There is a real life with real pitfalls and real successes. We need to remember that even our kids have to follow rules because that is authentic. He understands that true winners are hard workers who have learned strategy and who play within the guidelines set before them. Synthetic winners are only winners when the environment is manipulated falsely and you are able to keep the temperature ambient. Eventually things in your arena heat up and the meltdown begins. Learn to be authentic. That is something that stands no matter the circumstance.
I want to wish every a Happy Thanksgiving! Today I am grateful for the these people:
Jesus- The God man made flesh who walked the earth setting the example. Go back and read about his compassion and his tireless work, it will really touch your heart. Jesus was a teacher who loved the synagogue and loved people. What an example for me to follow. He never saw appearance he only saw condition. I aspire to be that for my generation.
My Mom- If anyone ever believed in her children she does. My mom tends to be negative about most things and pretty opinionated, but one thing is for sure, she believes we are the greatest gift to this generation. Even when she’s disappointed in us, she will find something worth hanging onto. She thinks this blog is the smartest thing on the Internet, she thinks I am her best gift ever and she is my biggest cheerleader. Even when we are on total opposite sides of a issue she puts up with me. She is someone I can count on and I more often than not, take her SO for granted.
Anthony- My kids are my blessing from God. Anthony is pure love. He is such a good man. I see him now with his girlfriend and he speaks so well of her and how he looks after his sister and how he checks in with me, his mom! What a gift God gave me when he allowed me to be Ant’s mom.
Cassandra Allyse- Sassy, smart and outgoing she is so independent. I love who she is becoming. She is her mother’s daughter in a lot of ways. She works too much, she loves deep, she has her own opinions. We are at a place where there are things I can say and things that she doesn’t want to hear from me but nevertheless, we love each other, we frustrate each other, we misunderstand each other and then we need each other. She is a great daughter and she has been fun to raise.
Doug – When he smiles at me it’s all over. Doug is kind beyond anyone I’ve ever known. Doug sees everything that is right with people, an ability I will never have, ever no matter how long I live. Doug has the ability to forgive and forget and leave the past behind him on most things. He’s not perfect by any means but he’s pretty darn close.
Lauren- Technically Lauren is my stepdaughter but I don’t see her that way. She’s my kid. We didn’t always see eye to eye and sometimes we still don’t but I have great hope for her. With a year and a half of high school to go, she is having to step things up. I know she will do great things with her life. Behind the tough sarcastic exterior that she pretends to show, she’s pretty caring. Just don’t tell anyone.
Charles Anthony- the cactus of the bunch, he is my stepson. He is the one whom the Lord uses to refine me. ‘Nuff said.
Lulu- the wonder dog. Lu has a story that touches my heart. She came to me at a time when I really needed someone to take care of and love. She sleeps right next to me as I type this. She is with me when I speak to God, so she knows all of my cares and secrets and she doesn’t judge me for it. She just sighs, puts her chin on my knee and looks into my eyes. She is my lovey honey precious girl.
Oasis- my church. Not the building the people in it. We are a family and I’m so glad!
My friends- Some are old, some are new and all are loved. I especially love the ones with whom I can trust to tell me the truth. Everyone needs those people in their life and I am grateful for them.
My Country-I’m really glad to be American. If you’ve ever traveled, even a bit, you will find that you were born hitting a home run to be born and raised in this country.
Most days I feel like God’s favorite kid. I love how he loves me and blesses me daily. I am grateful for health, for love, for family. Life is good and I am thankful. Let’s live Thanks Living lives! Happy Thanksgiving!
Don McNay a syndicated columnist wrote this article that I HAD to share! So true, so true!
Just say ‘no’ to adult children wanting money
By Don McNay
“My old man is another child that’s grown old.”
— John Prine
It seems like every family has one — the Child Who Never Grew Up.
They mooch off their parents well into their “adulthood.” They frequently need to “borrow” money, with no intention of paying it back. They always have car problems, relationship problems, “bad luck” or other sob stories.
All their problems have the same proposed solution: Money from mom and dad.
Often they are living with mommy and daddy, long past the time when their contemporaries are starting careers and families.
Concepts like budgeting, responsibility and ambition don’t make it into their vocabularies.
According to multiple media accounts, former Michigan basketball star Rumeal Robinson took mooching to a new art.
He tricked his mother into letting him mortgage her home. A headline in the Miami News Times sums it up: “Hoops hero Rumeal Robinson blew a fortune on strippers, got indicted and left his mom homeless.”
Sounds like a great guy.
Mooching children usually don’t hurt parents as dramatically as Rumeal Robinson did, but the results are still bad. Adult children with a “failure to launch” are dragging down parents who can’t afford to subsidize them.
The headline from a recent Newsweek online article read “Retired and Broke.”
According to the AARP, people over 55 is the age group most likely to declare bankruptcy. The article cites the usual bankruptcy causes, like medical expenses and credit card debts, but hammers on the idea of parents not giving money to their children.
The article ends by noting that “parents may want to help the next generation extricate itself from debt. Leading by example might be a more valuable gift.”
Wise advice.
It’s not an easy decision to implement. There are situations, like medical emergencies or short term downturns, where families don’t have another alternative.
I’m also not talking about children with severe illnesses or who are unable to work. I wouldn’t throw my sick child out on the street and neither would you.
I’m talking about the child who has a car, an iPhone and running-around money but doesn’t chip in for rent or groceries.
You are not doing your children any favors by not allowing them to grow up.
Roger Ailes did an interview for CSPAN a few years ago. He said when he turned 18, his father asked him where he planned to live.
Ailes was puzzled, but his dad said, “I can get you a job at the factory, (where his dad worked) but you can’t live here.” Ailes decided to go to college at Ohio University and got into broadcasting. He went on to create Fox News, CNBC and play major roles in some presidential campaigns.
Love him or hate him, Ailes is one of the most influential people in American media. His father forced him to grow up and make his mark.
I had a similar moment on my 18th birthday. My father took me outside and said, “You are going to get what I got on my 18th birthday — the whole wide world to make your living in.” (Dad had to quit school and go to work at age 15.)
Dad pointed to his car. He said, “You see that Cadillac? That is MY Cadillac, not OUR Cadillac. Make some money and buy your own.”
Twenty years later, I did.
It wasn’t “tough love.” It was making me realize that I was an adult and had adult responsibilities.
I’m OK with parents helping children through college (in four years, not forty), but after that they are on their own.
People in my father’s generation were drafted and sent off to war. There are 18-year-olds today who are fighting in Afghanistan and Iraq.
I saw a Frontline story about Afghanistan where the soldiers are sleeping on the ground without mattresses. I suspect those soldiers don’t have much sympathy for a 30-year-old who is still living with mommy and daddy.
I work with people who receive “big money” from lotteries, inheritances and injury settlements. All of them have the same problem that retirees have. Once they lose all their money, they have very little ability to make it back.
Like retirees, their financial downfall often comes from family and friends who want to “borrow” money from them.
Which gets us back to the adult in your house who still acts like a child. I can go on for hours about how making life too soft for him or her is bad. I can go on about how eating away your savings will leave you in a situation where death is your only way out of the mess. I can go on for hours about how giving adult children money is not actually love. It is enabling bad behavior, like giving heroin to an addict.
Instead, I give you three words to remember: Rumeal Robinson’s mother.
Don’t end up like her.
Helen Ford adopted Robinson at age 10 after his biological mother abandoned him. She and her husband raised him, helped Rumeal become part of a national championship basketball team at the University of Michigan and a player in the National Basketball Association, making millions of dollars.
Rumeal blew through his money, spending it on strippers, nightlife and high living. He never gave anything to the people who raised him. After his career ended, he got his mother to agree to let him take a mortgage on her house. Later, it was foreclosed on.
She used the house as a center for foster children. Now she lives in a two room apartment.
Rumeal’s mother had good intentions. She wanted to help her son.
Parents are often the last to see that their child is a piece of human garbage. They are the easiest of prey.
I’m seeing a lot of elderly people lose their houses, savings and often their lives (financial pressure is a key trigger for suicide) because children “borrowed” money and never paid it back.
It’s time to cut them off.
The kids will pout and cry. They will try to make you feel guilty. Immature people do that.
Show them that you are a real, loving parent and not a patsy.
Just say “No.” Your own survival is at stake.
If you want some reassurance, I would ask you to call Rumeal Robinson’s mother, but I assume her phone has been cut off.
Oasis has fun! We have this initiation that the youth group does. They put forks in the lawn of every new family and they put signs up with notes. Well, we woke up Sunday morning to this and pink silly string! Oh yeah, it must be Pastor’s Appreciation Month!
And to all the V.I.P. Youth group: IT’S ON! And who wrote “bangin eye color”?
Our church is not a building, even though we seem to talk about our building often these days, following the fire. Our church is a people who gather together to learn about God, to pray, to lift one another up, to encourage each other to good works. Our church is generational where parents have brought their children and their children are now bringing their children and we are months away from one family having four generations worship together in the same row in our congregation.
Today blessed me and I wanted to share it with you. Vincent has just turned 3 years old a few weeks ago. He wants to be a guitar player. He got a guitar and he immediately came into the sanctuary and got up on the platform and took his place. He was very serious. His mom had to help him with his strap but then he got busy. In some churches the culture would make this inappropriate but we believe with all our heart that the children learn to lead this way.
Matthew 11:25 At that time Jesus said, “I praise you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, because you have hidden these things from the wise and learned, and revealed them to little children.
Vincent arrives with his mom and dad on prayer night and kneels at the altar in between his parents and begins to pray. He’s three, he gets bored after a while, so pretty soon he lifts his head but remains kneeling and pushes his trucks and cars quietly in his place while his parents continue to pray. Oh, how I wish I could show you a picture because this blesses me. Only I feel that I would be intrusive taking pictures during prayer so I refrain. Let me just tell you, it’s beyond a blessing to see and it touches your heart. I’m sure you can picture it.
Today though, when Vincent got up on that platform I couldn’t help but snap a few photos. I hope they make you smile like they did me. I pray that you are teaching your children to praise God, to worship him and to make him the priority of their lives.
Notice his pick!In the middle of I Am Free he lifted his hand! Sooo cute!!!
Pastor Susan 