Category: marriage

Our Measure

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This is an article I wrote for Role Models Of America http://www.rolemodelsofamerica.com

You probably don’t even know her name. You’ve probably just heard of her reputation. She is the one by whom we are all measured. We take the story on as fact, never wondering if there was a back-story, and as all tales of evil women go, the man is always missing or is the one being fought over.

Her name was Lady Tremaine. It sounds respectable doesn’t it? It sounds like someone you’d want to meet. Lady Tremaine, the name has an air about it, as if, at some point, it was aristocracy.

Only if it was, when we meet her in the story she has nothing relating to aristocracy besides the fact that she gets an invitation to the ball. By now, if you haven’t figured it out I’m talking about Cinderella’s stepmother. Yes, we all know her as evil and mean and angry. She has a name and like most stories of angst, it seems unimportant.

Only we know that there was progress because the Brother’s Grimm wrote a story about a woodcutter’s wife and she didn’t get a name at all, she is merely known as the evil stepmother. Her stepchildren, Hansel and Gretel were given a loaf of bread and sent out to the witch’s house to be eaten. Now that’s an angry woman!

Unfortunately, those are the characters by which we are measured. Stepmother’s have gotten a bad rap for centuries. Now in 2010, the majority of families in America are stepfamilies and even though we are the majority, there still isn’t a lot of help out there for us stepmoms. Further, there is very little help in the church for us.

I believe that those in the church don’t want to contend with the fact that many marriages are broken and in need of help. We don’t want to acknowledge divorce and death and remarriage, or maybe it’s that the church leaders have never experienced these things and therefore aren’t really sure how to handle it. So most of the advice from the church has been from the perspective of a marriage, but not a second marriage and that, my friends, is a completely different ballgame altogether. Only we must handle it, because there simply is too great a need for some resources and help.

I often wondered why God selected me to become a stepmother and a Pastor’s wife? I believe it was because in this place, not only could I experience the heartache of blending a family, but also write some things down to help others and a platform in which to access the church.

These messages are not popular. We prefer our lives to be of the fairy-tale variety, omitting the ugly part and focusing only on the fact that Cinderella lived happily ever-after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much life experience to realize that it’s not always the plan God has for us. Sometimes, he needs to send someone to walk it out so that they can teach it. He does promise to work it out for us in the end, and the great part is that I sit here as living proof that it does work out, but he never promised that it wouldn’t be painful and life changing. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)

So over the course of time, I will unfold these lessons before you and give you strategy to make it work. After all, 75% of second marriages end in divorce before the 5-year mark. The problem is that statistics also show that it takes about 7 years to blend a family or about 1 year for every age of the child. Can you see the dilemma we have? It’s a big one because statistics are saying we are blowing out a marriage just before we get some relief. If we don’t address it, teach on it, and help you stepmoms, then these numbers can’t get better.

Lucky

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When my husband calls me these days my ringtone sings a Jason Mraz song whose lyrics go, “Happy to be loved by my best friend, happy to have been where I have been….”

Hold up though, where I’ve been has been pretty rough. A widow at 35, held at gunpoint in a stalker/attempted kidnapping, married my husband and then went through the hell of blending a family and being labeled the wicked stepmother. So how can I relate to a song that says, “happy to have been where I have been”?

Romans 8:28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

Somehow when all is said and done, I have walked through the darkness and come out in the dawn. My faith has been tried and tested and it looms larger than life. I have huge faith for you too because I know that I am not God’s favorite kid, he treats us all that way.

I have learned big huge lessons and today it’s good to be alive, I couldn’t always say that. I have somehow fallen into the arms of the Father and he has placed me in a wonderful place. I have a husband who loves me. We aren’t perfect but I could tell you stories that would show you the miracle of our marriage and that we survived the white water rapid-like beginning of it. My kids are grown and doing well. My stepkids, whom I call stepkids for this writing only, have settled down and we have a good relationship now. I work at a job I love. I have good friends.

So here you have living proof that even when we go through trials and it feels like you’re not going to make it, you will! You’ll learn something with every goodbye. You’ll somehow or another wake up each and everyday, and if you’ll apply your faith, forget about your “right” to be okay all the time, realize life happens and suffering happens, you’ll see the dayspring as well. The bible says, it rains on the just and the unjust. Meaning life is just life, there are hills and valleys for all of us. There are great lessons to learn if you’ll walk it out and not throw yourself down on the ground and throw a fit. Through this process I’ve learned that God was with me even in the dark days, that all I had to do was take his hand and trust him to lead me to light and show me a few things about the process in the meantime.

Just like the day, it’s always darkest before the dawn, but the sun does eventually come out. Here is a Josh Wilson song that touches my heart.

Before The Morning
Misc 1
(PRE-CHORUS 1)
Someday somehow you’ll see you’ll see

Chorus 1
Would you dare would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
So hold on you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
‘Cause the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

Verse 1
Do you wonder why you have to
Feel the things that hurt you
If there’s a God
Who loves you where is He now

Verse 2
Maybe there are things you can’t see
And all those things are happening
To bring a better ending

Verse 3
My friend you know how this all ends
You know where you’re going
You just don’t know how you’ll get there
So say a prayer

Verse 4
And hold on
‘Cause there’s good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture

Misc 2
(PRE-CHORUS 2)
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory

Chorus 2
It’s just the hurt before the healing
Oh the pain that you’ve been feeling
It’s just the dark before the morning

CCLI Song No. 5520800
© Ariose Music | Ben Glover Co-Publishing Designee | Meaux Hits (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) | (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing) | (Admin. by EMI Christian Music Publishing)
Ben Glover | Josh Wilson
For use solely with the SongSelect Terms of Use. All rights Reserved. http://www.ccli.com
CCLI License No. 2285171

Where There Is A Spark

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This blog was written three years ago in honor of my godparents. Sadly, my godfather passed away last Monday, on their 63rd wedding anniversary, and we will bury him in the morning. I have deep sense of sadness but also amazing gratitude at having known them and at having the privilege to be their goddaughter.

Last week I got a chance to visit with my godparents. I love them so much. They are both incredible role models to me and have treated me well all of my life. They took their roles in my life seriously and they accepted their responsibility for my spiritual upbringing to the fullest. To this day they send me prayers by mail and I get solid hugs, love and words, both correcting and edifying.

In a few weeks they are celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary! Yes that’s 60 like 6-0, like 56,57,58, 59, 60! They were married on June 14, 1947. She was 19 and he was 21 or 22 and just back from World War II. I am so very proud of them.

I remember for their 50th I asked what the secret was. My Nina Lola, as I call her (Delores as the world calls her), said, “We stuck it out. You don’t always feel the ‘in love’ feeling, there are ups and downs but the ups always come back and the downs are there too, but you begin to understand that it’s life. That’s the problem with you kids, you give up too easy and you miss out. The first down and you are out.”

This year, we asked her again what the secret was. She said, “Love, communication, you have to be able to have things to talk about, respect is very important and morals.” She still calls, my Nino George, “Hun”. My Nina Lola will be 80 next month and Nino George will be 82 I think or 83 in July. He listened to what she had to say about how they sustained 60 years and he chuckled and said with a sparkle in his eye, “Who’s been married 60 years? Not me!” He’s always had a great sense of humor and can keep you laughing with these kinds of typical retorts. She said, “Not 60 years, 50 years. Oh yeah, it is 60 years isn’t it?” Then we all laughed. How cool it was that to them it didn’t seem as though it was a life sentence!

I don’t know if when they first met and felt that first spark of love touch them both that they ever imagined 60 years but I’d like to think so. They are parents, grandparents and great-grandparents and they live in the very first house they bought. That spark has created security for all of us and for that I am so grateful. I can’t express the love that I feel for them. They are funny and rich in character and I am so much better for having them in my life. They have taught me that the things that are important in life are simple. Love your family, work at something you are good at and don’t expect perfection, set down roots and go to church. Monetarily they could have moved to a bigger house at any point, taken lavish vacations or done whatever they wanted. Instead they taught us to save our money and be content.

60 years. What a blessing. I can’t even imagine them apart. 60 years. What a legacy. When you realize that some people don’t live that long so to be married that long is a blessing. To find a couple who are at peace with each other and who have learned to get along is a gift. That is truly a gift worth thanking God for!

Her Children Stand And Bless Her

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What a ride! I mean seriously,

what-a-ride.

This Mother’s Day, I was given a great gift. Casey, my daughter who lives in Los Angeles came home to spend the weekend with me and brought me lots of presents. My husband, bought me the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. The only thing missing was my son, Anthony, who had to work Sunday and couldn’t drive down, but he called first thing in the morning and his girlfriend, Frances, whom we love, came to stand in his place. Steve, who is like my second son, and a man who is like a brother to Anthony, came and gave me a hug in his place.

All of this was perfect already but those of you who read this blog know that as a stepmom, I’ve had some long and hard days blending this family. I’ve stood my ground and loved my children, bio and step and it has finally paid off. I want to share what Lauren, who is 17, and whom I’ve tried to be a mentor and a surrogate mother since she was 9 and her father and I married, wrote in her card to me.

Thanks so much for being my mom. I’m starting to appreciate you more than ever, especially when I see how other girls’ moms are. I realize I’m the one with the greener grass. 🙂 I’m not really sure how to say just how thankful I am for everything you do, and how much you put up with. It makes me so happy to know you consider me one of your own daughters. I can’t say thank you enough. I love you! Lauren

Hang in there stepmoms! Some of you are in the storms right now, and I have that t-shirt, so I know it’s no light thing you are going through. Some of you are struggling to stay in a marriage where it seems you are attacked and vilified because of the kids. Hang in there dear stepmoms, this will pass! If I could hug each of you, I surely would. I understand the loneliness you are feeling and the feeling that no one understands what you are going through but there are more stepfamilies in America than “real” families. Beloved, you are the new normal. I’ve had my battles, I’ve been angry and I’ve felt that I was a bystander in this family, but this letter shows me and YOU that you will make it. Things do turn around and just when you want to get off the roller coaster, things smooth out.

Lauren and I had some serious issues but ultimately I love her, want the best for her, desire for her to fulfill her God-given destiny and whether she recognized that or not, I acted on her behalf as a mom would have. Trust me when I tell you that I know we have some sunny days ahead and I don’t kid myself, we have some dark days ahead too. After all, she’s still a teenager and I’m still standing in the way of her doing as she pleases for a little bit longer. But there’s hope! I have to let you all know that there is hope!

Stay the course, keep praying and keep moving forward in the things you know are right to do!

Stepping

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Well after 8 years of being a stepparent I think I’ve figured out a thing or two and I also think I should be awarded a GIANT crown for my efforts.

All kidding aside, I have learned some valuable lessons and thought I’d share.

1. It’s not personal. You may have to repeat this to yourself several times a day, but the fact is that nothing that another person does is personal. So in my case, my step kids don’t do things to get back at me, they simply don’t do things for whatever reason they have. Anything from ignoring a chore, to ignoring me. It’s not about me, anyone in my role would be the target.

2. They are a family. I had this idea that I was going to come along and enter in and be loved and love and we would all be one big happy family. When that didn’t happen, I became resentful. Guess what? Just as my kids and I were a family, my husband and his children were a family. They had their own dynamics, in other words, they had a way of doing things that whether or not I agreed with, had already been established. My job wasn’t to change their family, it was to learn to adapt within the system of their family, and come up with a workable solution. That meant that if I didn’t want food in the kids room and dad would allow it, I really had no say. Of course when the smell of rotten eggs that had been hidden and forgotten reached the bottom of the stairs, I had a right to complain and my husband had to go on a scavenger hunt to find them. Well, ’nuff said about that as I’m sure you can imagine. 😀

3. Learn boundaries. Just because it was okay to go through dad’s drawers in his bedroom, doesn’t mean that it’s okay to go through mine. Clear cut boundaries had to be set, no matter how ridiculous the bio-parent may think the boundaries are you have a right to them. We had to learn to respect each other’s bondaries.

4. Take a deep breath! Find some time alone, even bio-kids get on your nerves sometimes. It’s not a crime to decide that you are going to go shopping for the day alone. Learn to have YOU time. It can de-stress a situation and it can give you perspective.

5. It’s not a reflection of you. I think as mothers we see our children as a reflection of us. The problem here is that step kids aren’t always. I see my step kids now after 8 years quoting me or I see mannerisms of myself in them but it wasn’t always the case. If they act up or do things out of the character of your family remember that it’s not on you. You are a mentor. You were called to be a solid godly mentor.

Finally, pray, pray, pray and then pray some more. The fact of the matter is that blending a family is not for wimps. You will have challenges, you all will say things you don’t mean from time to time, and forgiveness will be a daily ordeal, but you can and will get through it.

After 8 years, I love my step kids. They aren’t perfect, neither am I. We have learned to dwell in love and peace. Of course we have our moments, everyone does. When you take the ultimate responsibility off your shoulders, and put them squarely on the shoulders they belong on, the bio parent, you will find you aren’t feeling so trapped and resentful anymore.

What Every Stepparent Needs To Know

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Click here to read a very good article about a child’s perspective on stepmothers. Here’s an excerpt:

Everyone’s heard of stepmonsters: those evil second, third (forth?) wives who cruelly shuffle stepkids off to the sidelines and compete for their dad’s attention. This isn’t about them. I’m talking about stepmoms in crisis who are really trying to make it work. They all wonder why, after knocking themselves out for their 21st century Brady Bunch, they still end up with stepkids who treat them like they are auditioning for The Little Rascals Reality Show. On top of that disrespectful drama, toss in an already frustrated stepmom overhearing the little darlings bandy about the dreaded stepmonster jab one too many times – and snap. Off goes the wedding band, pop goes the Xanax, and out come the tears.

Couple Down Time

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So my husband and I took off for a few days of rest. We stayed in South Lake Tahoe and took a drive to Virginia City. It’s a beautiful drive with lots of great scenery. We got off along the way to take some pictures and do some walking. After all, not having an agenda is the goal!

It was such a gorgeous day, the snow is melting, the sun is out and it’s a good time to be outdoors.

Isn’t the lake just the best sight? Imagine that God made this all for YOU!

My husband decided that if he was going to live in Virginia City then he wanted to be the Sheriff. He is a Louis L’amour fan! Then we saw this church. When it was built it cost $12,000. Man, talk about a cost of living increase. I wonder what they’d think of what we’ve paid to have our church put back together?

It’s been a good time off. Now it’s time to head home and get back to work! I’m blessed to work, and I’m blessed to have a good man to share my life with. Some things we should never take for granted!

Stepmom’s Bill Of Rights

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There is a Facebook group I belong to called Stepmom Circles. They posted the Stepmom Bill Of Rights and I thought it would be helpful to read this morning. To read Jacquelyn B. Fletcher’s blog (the author of this bill of rights) click here.

A Revised Stepmom’s Bill of Rights

I will create a rock-solid marriage with my husband so we both feel confident in our commitment to each other and the family. I vow to always make fun together a priority.

I have the right to be on the parenting team with my husband but I realize that this takes time to develop.

I understand that stepfamilies are formed out of loss and that the people I’m living with are carrying wounds that will affect them forever.

I will congratulate myself every day on a job well done. Even on days when I’ve done or said things I’m not proud of, I will be gentle and kind with myself because I am a brave, courageous woman.

I will work to feel confident and worthy of love.

I will not look to my stepchildren for validation or self-worth.

I will protect my heart with healthy boundaries that help me to be a more loving and present wife, stepmother, and human being even if that means making difficult choices.

I will forgive my husband, the exes in our lives, my stepchildren, and myself for our human-ness.

I will try to understand what living in our home is like for every member of our family.

I will create a sanctuary for myself and make self-care a priority so I can recharge my batteries.

I will choose my battles.

I understand that control does not equal respect or love.

I realize that I don’t have any control over what the ex or the ex-in-laws or the kids think or do. The only person I have control over is me.

I will ask for what I need instead of making people guess what I need to prove their love for me.

I will find the gifts in being the outsider in a family that formed before I came along.

I will focus on building relationships instead of on who is right and who is wrong.

I will take breaks when I’m angry so I can be calm when I discuss issues that affect me but I have little control over.

I will hold on to the things that remind me of who I am.

I will plan things to look forward to with my husband and with my family.

I will remind myself often of the many reasons I decided to be with my husband.

I will choose hope.

I will choose love.

As I Wait

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I think of Sarah, who wanted a baby. She didn’t care that God said he would make her husband a great nation. She simply wanted one baby to kiss and to hold and to call her own. My prayer is not for a baby but it’s a hope nevertheless.

As I Wait

I think of Sarah who for a moment lost her faith in God and sent her handmaiden in to sleep with her husband. The consequence of helping God out was that Ishmael was born and the fight was on. I pray I stay in submission to the plan.

As I Wait

I see Sarah receive her promise in her old age and I wonder, God will that be me? Will my promise come at the end of my life?

As I Wait

I read God’s word and I see where he says, Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. How long is the wait Lord?

As I Wait

I understand that my timing is not God’s timing and that he deals in issues of eternity and I deal in issues of today. They look quite different in perspective don’t they?

As I Wait

Sometimes I have to confess that I am like the father who came to Jesus to ask for help with the healing of his son. Mark 9:23 Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” 24 Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!” Help my unbelief Lord.

As I Wait

I find that I have more strength than I thought I have.

As I Wait

I find that I believe more than ever that I have all the power I need.

As I Wait

I grow and I learn and I learn and I grow…

As I Wait

The prayer changes and takes on a different shape and so does my life.

As I Wait

I realize the answer begins to come into focus.

As I Wait

I praise You Lord for I am like Elijah and I see the cloud in the distance. It is only the size of man’s palm but I can close my eyes, I can take a deep breath and I can almost smell the rain coming.