Category: Love

Two Ends of The Spectrum

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Two weeks ago I finished Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The book was contrasted by articles I’d been reading about the narcissistic engulfing mom in Danu Morrigan’s book, and the raising of her children.

While the tiger mom is obsessed with raising brilliant children who can rule the world, the narcissistic mom is obsessed with making sure her children will forever need her. The tiger mom insists on perfection in every aspect of her children, the narcissistic mom tells her children they can’t do anything right without her.

The tiger mom and narcissistic mom both think they have their children’s best interest at heart, but both want to control on opposite ends of the spectrum. While the tiger mom is teaching her children that fear can actually motivate you to move forward, the narcissistic mom is telling her children that danger lies around every corner and what lucky children they are to have her as their mother who will forever protect them. There is no childhood in a tiger mom’s mindset and there is infantalization in a narcissistic mom’s mindset.

I have to be honest and tell you I cringed with both mothers. With the tiger mom because I could relate to much of it. I was focused on making my children prepared to take on the world and make something of themselves. I wasn’t as compassionate as I should have been as I was busy raising leaders.

With the narcissistic mom I cringed because she is raising children to be afraid to leave her. She makes sure to tell them that they aren’t smart enough to leave and the world is a super scary dangerous place without your mom. If they do happen to escape, she has a need to know everything about their life and she takes it in as if it is happening to her. This plays on my fear of my children marrying someone like this and being trapped by a mother-in-law who is hell bent on control. I have seen mothers who know every last detail of her adult children’s marriage and who interject their opinion and speak for their adult children. The person married to their child lives a hellish reality of being married to someone’s mother. ICK.

With Amy Chua’s book, she has a revelation and acknowledges her errors, although the media crucified her, I had deep sympathy and love for her (I know what you’re thinking, it’s okay). With the narcissistic mom, she believes she is  right and you won’t convince her otherwise.

Makes me grateful for my mom! Thanks mom, for always trying to mind your own business, well for the most part, and for letting me grow up to be who I wanted to be.

With Every Head Bowed

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In churches across this nation there will be a time in the service on Sunday morning when the Pastor will say something like this:

“With every head bowed and every eye closed, if you came here today and you don’t know Jesus as your Lord and Savior and you would like to, would you slip up your hand? I’d like to pray with you.”

Before I continue on my thought process let me say that I’m not indicting the church. I love the church and I believe in her ability. This post is about my working out how this all works and bringing you into my own conversation.

Luke 9:26 For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words, of him the Son of Man will be ashamed when He comes in His own glory, and in His Father’s, and of the holy angels.

We bow our heads and close our eyes to give someone the privacy to confess Christ. We don’t want to embarrass anyone or intimidate anyone into not making a decision for Christ. I get the sentiment but how does that fly with the scripture of public confession? If we had to confess in secret when do we proclaim in public? We then hear this:

“Let’s all join our voices with those who are confessing Christ for the first time and repeat this prayer.” What follows is what we church folk call the sinner’s prayer. It’s a good prayer, nothing wrong with the prayer, but we all confess so as not to call out the person receiving Christ for the first time as if it’s a bad thing. Did we tell them this is an every day confession? Did we tell them this was step one? Or did we let them walk away thinking they were good?

Matthew 10:32 “Therefore whoever confesses Me before men, him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.

We all repeat the sinner’s prayer together. It doesn’t hurt anyone to say the prayer but it does hinder the congregation to know who is receiving Christ for the first time. Which leads me to my main point:

Matthew 28:18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.

Who came to Christ for the first time? My head was bowed and my eyes were closed. How do I disciple someone when I don’t know they raised their hand? Then there’s the question; what about conversion? How does conversion happen if I said a prayer in a group and no one told me that there was more to the kingdom and this new lifestyle called Christianity?

I hear so often about those who profess Christ on Sunday but cuss like sailors and live like hell the rest of the week and post all of their nonsense on Social Media and how bad a witness they are. Is that their fault? I don’t always think so. I think they may not know better. I think they may not be in the process of discipleship. I think we may have to cut them some slack until we begin to teach them to observe the things the Word demands of us.

The Cat From Out of The Blue

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I thought about an old friend today.

I arrived in Germany the day before Thanksgiving. I was 21 years old and my little family was setting forth on a new adventure. It was cold and snowing but I was excited to be there. My little family was safe in a teeny tiny apartment while awaiting housing on a military base. I was enchanted with the quaint little village we lived in, where the church bells rang each evening and people walked out of their homes and over to the local Catholic Church. That is until a few days into our new place when I saw a mouse run across the floor. I yelled, jumped up on the couch and cried my eyes out to return to the States.

That night I dreamt of my grandfather who had died 6 years before. He trudged through the snow of my new little village street, marched up the few stairs to my new little apartment door and put a cat at the doorstep, “Aquí esta tu fregado gato”, he muttered. Translated that means, “Here’s your darn cat.”  I smiled in this dream and thanked him and he turned and walked away. I woke up suddenly and went to the front door. There on the landing was a tiny black kitten shivering from the cold. I took him right in as my lifeline. That same day, we trekked out to buy cat food, litter box and the works. We named him T.C. after the Top Cat cartoon.

Funny thing was, T.C. was just as afraid of mice as I was and now we’d both jump on the couch, which I’m sure annoyed my grandfather to no end. Try as he might, that man tried reasoning with me as a child that a mouse was smaller than I was an no threat at all. It never worked.

T.C. was a great cat. Within a few months we moved to base housing, where people spoke English, and I had the modern amenities of a new apartment rather than one of a village. There were no mice here so T.C. and I both breathed a sigh of relief and my little family got into the business of loving life in Europe.

The week we were moving back to the States after being in Germany for three years, T.C. disappeared. Never one to leave the house he suddenly was nowhere to be found. We looked everywhere, the basement, all around the house to no avail. He had never been outside. We looked everyday until the day we left. He left our life as mysteriously as he entered it.

Greedy

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Most people don’t see themselves as greedy or selfish but most of us are in one way or another. So what is greed?

Greed – noun – excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth or possessions.

Greed is taking more than you give.

Sit on that statement for a minute. It’s taking more than you give.

There is enough in the world for everyone’s need but not enough for everyone’s greed. ~ Frank Buchman

Potlucks and buffets show greed in the most interesting way. Some people are just generous, they walk in with a lot of food to share. You’re supposed to bring a dish to share but this person walks in with two or three dishes or one dish big enough to feed an army. Other people walk in with little or nothing. Their reasoning is that they don’t eat much, or knew there would be an abundance of food. That in and of itself isn’t greediness but it isn’t generous. I watch behavior and sometimes I see people who didn’t participate in the food share, but they are quick to offer to take food home to their family if there are leftovers. Remember greed is taking more than you give.

I don’t know what happens to people at potlucks and buffets, including myself! Perhaps it’s the array of food. Perhaps it’s the syndrome of our eyes being bigger than our stomaches. We recently went to Las Vegas and everything looked so good that I got a little of everything. Then as I tasted the food, some of it was delicious and other things not so much. It would have been great to stop there, at the taste test, but I didn’t. I went back to get a little more of the delicious stuff. Why? Because tomorrow I wouldn’t have access to it. I wasn’t even hungry, I was greedy, and gluttonous.  Potlucks happen much the same way. We like something so much that we want it all for ourselves. Then something happens, we get into this mode of I must have it all.

Then there’s another sneakier greed that is ever pervasive in our society.

You can be considered greedy when you only invest in your own self interest. 

This manifests in different ways. See if any of these things speak to your heart:

We’ll ask our friends to buy the junk our kid is selling but we won’t buy their kid’s junk and if we do, you can bet it will be the cheapest thing on the list even if we don’t need it.

We wouldn’t dream of baking a lasagna for a potluck when we’re on a diet. We can’t eat it so neither should anyone else.

And seriously? They want us to volunteer in children’s ministry at our church. We don’t even have children in children’s ministry!

An offering to missions? Sure! Count me in! Okay, let’s see, I am going to Chili’s after church to eat so I’ll need $20.00 and I only have $23.00, so I’ll give $3. Oh wait, what if there is tax or I decide to have dessert?

My husband needs t-shirts but oh, this purse is so cute! I’ll buy him 2 instead of 5 and I’ll get myself a little treat for thinking of him. WIN WIN!!

Can you think of other examples?  Greed is subtle. We don’t even see that we have it. It’s time to take a good look at ourselves. We’ve been blessed with so much. Let’s be a blessing.

An Uncomfortable Thought

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I first visited my current church in 1999. After coming from a big church with great programs we had moved to a smaller town and therefore a smaller church. Was the word sound? Yes. There wasn’t a band just background music and singers. You had to work to be a part of the congregation. On our third visit there were chastised for sitting in certain seats and told to move and take it up with the pastor if we didn’t like it. We got called into a meeting to ask why we didn’t laugh at jokes.

I asked my husband to please move churches. He said no. He explained that the word was sound and scripture was accurate. Instead, he asked me to look to God and see where I could help and what I could pray for. He assured me that if the Lord prompted us to move we would. I wish I could tell you that I received this well, but I can’t tell you that truthfully. I am eternally grateful for the lesson though.

Now 14 years later here I am. Same place. I love our church. It’s not perfect because we’re human. We have a band now. I wish we had some gospel, but I no longer worry about the music. I just sing. I see people who are trying to love Jesus. I see people who help each other.  They have their pluses and minuses of me as well and it’s more than likely fair. I don’t worry about it. We’re a family. They got me through the death of my husband and loved and judged me through my new marriage. I have done the same with them. Don’t worry, we all repent and get back up and love again. It’s just our flesh. Today, as before, I just see where I can help and see what I can pray for. I look towards the Lord for direction.

Today an uncomfortable thought came as I studied the word.

What if I had my way all those years ago and I had left the church?

That question led to more uncomfortable thoughts:

  • What would I have learned about Spirit guiding spirit? I wouldn’t have. I would have fed myself.
  • What if I decided the Pepto Bismol walls and wallpaper border were just over the top? Well, actually, I did decide they were over the top but what if that had been my measurement of whether to stay or go? By the way, the color was that of the one above.
  • What if I wanted a band like the one I was used to? I would have missed the process of the forming of the band we have now.
  • Would I have learned to love God and love his people? No, I would have learned that this Christianity is about me and what is good for me.
  • What if I had changed churches like I’ve changed diets? Church would have become a fad of what the masses are doing and not what I’m called to do.
  • What would my spirit look like if I only had it my way? I’d be fat, dumb and happy in the flesh, but I would not have learned obedience and comfort are two distinct things and not everything is about me.

I met a friend for lunch. “How’s your church?”, I asked. “It’s not what I’m used to, but until God says move, I’ll stay.” I smiled and reached for her hand, “I understand!”

I have learned through all of this that God is in control. He puts us where he needs us and he doesn’t ask opinions. He expects that when we get to a certain point in our walk with him, that we walk in obedience not always in comfort. So what will you do? Will you stay where you’re at until you’re called to move? Or you will wander, until you get what you want? Will you murmur and complain or will you work to love? I’m praying that you hear him clearly lead you in the direction you are destined to follow.

Baby, We Can Talk About Anything

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Wedding-Hands

 

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

This scripture was part of our marriage class homework. I read it thoughtfully. Are there any areas of my marriage in which I don’t feel safe bringing up a topic?

You see, the word perfect here doesn’t mean perfect, it actually means mature. Mature love casts out fear. Since we’re works in progress there may be areas of our marriage in which we are not yet perfected. In my marriage I discovered that there isn’t a topic I’m afraid to bring up. BUT there are topics I know will bring about a discussion and raise the heat level.

I love how these truths are revealed with a minuscule of honest thought process. So what about you? Are there areas in your life where there is fear? If so, don’t wait for someone else to deal with it. You need to do the work to deal with it. Perfect the love in your life!

I Wonder If….

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coalminer

 

I wonder if…

 

The man who wakes up before the light of day and heads to the coal mine to earn money to support his family is living out his passion?

Is the sanitation worker?

Is the doctor?

I wonder if they have a right to be happy at the expense of their family?

I gave the wrong advice to my children when I said to find their passion in their work and never mentioned to find passion in their life?

The stay at home mother truly values her worth or does she second guess the perception of the missed opportunity of a career?

Society as a whole would be better off in knowing that freedom comes not in possessions of more stuff but in the harmony of a family who is intact? And healthy?

My grandparents weren’t less stressed out in their small 3 bedroom 1 bath home, raising their 12 children to be good productive citizens of this planet?

We can get back to a time when life wasn’t all about selfies, self promotion, self inflicted wounds, self centeredness, selfishness?

Or is it too late?

Waiting for the Right One

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Tish had been talking about getting a small dog for years. She wanted one who would fit easily into her lap when she got home from work. A small dog would be easy to walk. She poured over pictures and facts of small dogs and went to work on finding one. She determined that she didn’t need the dog to be any particular breed so she drove down to her local animal shelter.

She could hear the dogs barking as she pulled up the dusty driveway to the shelter door and she began to feel anxious with anticipation. Tish took a deep breath swallowed hard and began her search. The first section of the shelter were small kennels three high with cats. Knowing that she didn’t want a cat, she moved past that section to the second section where the dogs were.

Tish peered into each kennel. Some of the dogs were sitting quietly staring back at her, others were lying down and wouldn’t look her in the eye and still others were barking and moving frantically trying to get her attention. Nearing the last of the dog kennels she hadn’t seen a small dog yet. They were all medium to large dogs and not what she was looking for. Sighing she took a look in the last kennel of the shelter and there stood a porcupine. She laughed out loud at the thought of a porcupine locked in a kennel at the animal shelter.

She walked over to one of the volunteers and asked where they kept the small dogs. The volunteer told her that right now they didn’t have any small dogs but if she kept checking back they were bound to get one as they came in regularly. She was a little disappointed but she was determined to find her little dog.

For a week, she’d drive down to the shelter each day on her lunch break. Each day, new dogs arrived, and each time they did, they were too big. She’d walk the length of the kennels and at the end of the kennel she’d once again see the porcupine.

She began to notice that the porcupine had soft hair but it was intermingled with with sharp quills that lied flat on its back, sides, and tail. She smiled to herself as she thought this porcupine was actually quite cute. Once again she left without her small dog.

The next day, she returned to the shelter and once again there were no small dogs. Feeling a little desperate and tired of searching, she decided to bring home the porcupine. She stopped at the local feed store and discovered that porcupines eat tree bark and leaves and so she went about building a habitat for her porcupine. She tried a few times to pet the porcupine but each time she did a quill would get stuck in her skin and she wasn’t able to get it out without a great amount of pain and help from others.

Still she persevered trying to make this porcupine into the small dog she wanted. She tried to put it on a leash, she tried to put it in her lap and each time she was stuck by a quill. Tish realized too late that she had made a mistake but she had invested so much time and money.

You might think Tish is stupid in her choice and that you would never make that mistake. Only let’s be real we all make that mistake when people tell us who they are and we choose not to believe them and try to mold them into what we want them to be instead of waiting to get the real deal.

How many women do we know that are sitting on the couch across from a porcupine when in their dreams they wanted a lap dog? All because they couldn’t wait for potential to manifest itself.

*Adapted from a quote on the Dr. Laura show.

Walking It Out TLC4Women’s New Season

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TLC4Women is getting ready to start its new year. It’s a special year for us since it’s our Seventh! I can’t tell you how excited I am to be with this group of women and the new ones they will bring to the class.

When TLC first started we started because we wanted a different kind of bible study. One that would bless us as women, teach us the word, and give practical tips to applying principles to our lives to make it better. I wanted a group with a promise. One that said, if you’ll come and study, your life will change. The banner over our ministry was “be transformed by the renewing of your mind” Romans 12:2 so Transforming Life Center was birthed.

On Monday we will all gather to worship, to pray, to set the pace for how walking this life out will look like in the 2013-2014 season. We plan on tackling three big areas this year.

1. What are the weapons of our warfare as women and daughters of the Most High King? Prayer, praise, tenacity, and a strong love of God and his Word.

2. What does it mean to be a disciple and even better what does it mean to make a disciple?

3. Who is the Holy Spirit and how do we keep him at the forefront guarding our steps and making sure we don’t break our ankles?

Prayer, Disciples, Praise, all led by the Holy Spirit and that would be a great year but we have to more to learn. Then we’re going to study the Prophet Malachi. Word for word, verse by verse. Who was he and what can he teach us?

It’s going to be a great year and I can’t wait! See you all on Monday at 7.

$2 A day

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Over three billion people — more than half the world population as of 2010 — live on less than $2.50 US Dollars (USD) a day. More than 80% of the population lives on less than $10 USD per day. To put that in perspective, the average American spends about $7 USD a day on entertainment alone, and more than twice that on transportation.~visualeconomics.com

I’ve had workmen in my home for two weeks now. My kitchen is completely torn down. Did you ever realize how much gunk goes down the side of your stove? Okay, it’s not really the topic today but I’ll post about that later.

Back to the thought process. Each morning on my way to work I walk downstairs and say good morning to the workers. This particular morning Doug had left earlier than I had and he asked how he could bless me. I replied that he could get back before I left for work and bring me a Starbucks. Actually what I said was, “I’ll love you forever if you bring me a tea from Starbucks before I leave.” Well he did. I kiss him goodbye and I walk downstairs that morning with a purse, a computer, and a Starbucks in my hand.

“Good Morning!”, I call out. One of the workmen said, “You’re always so happy Pastora. Every time I see you, you’re always in a good mood.” I really was in a great mood, because how could I not be, and I said, “What’s not to be happy about? We are blessed.” We said our goodbyes and I left.

I put my computer bag in the back seat of my car, put my purse in the passenger seat and was about to put my Starbucks in the cup holder and I paused.

“What’s not to be happy about? We are blessed.”

My tea costs $4.10.

I spent more on tea in one morning before 9 am than half the world makes in a day and a half. What do I have to complain about?

Do you ever just put your life in perspective? It’s hard to be depressed when you view your life through the lens of the average world citizen. Watching Storage Wars on television I saw where we have enough storage units in the USA to house every single person on the planet. Do you realize our storage units house our leftovers? Yes, we’re in a recession and things are looking bleak but when we look at it from a lens of gratitude we are abundantly blessed.

No matter your circumstances today, take a little time to count your blessings. You’re probably reading this blog post on a Internet connection that is costing about $1.00 a day. Would you have Internet if it costs half a day’s wage? Face it, we have it pretty sweet.