Confrontation is a big bold word. We use it as a small word and explain that isn’t really what we meant but the word confrontation should be kept in reserve for big action.
-noun
1. an act of confronting.
2. the state of being confronted.
3. a meeting of persons face to face.
4. an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
5. a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.
6. Psychology. a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.
The problem with confrontation is that sometimes it is necessary but very rarely is it comfortable. For most people it takes a lot of effort to do. In an effort to avoid confrontation, we allow far too many things to pile up before taking action. By avoiding confrontation you create more confrontation. The pile up of offenses begins to take on a life of its own which begins to choke out the relationship and sometimes any hope of reconciliation.
Good decent nice people tend to have a problem calling things what they are. They allow far too many evil things to happen before they get up the nerve to have the conversation. Very often they are pushed into confrontation which renders them unprepared and out of their element. So rather than face that type of action they stay quiet and seethe. This actually helps no one and often allows evil to perpetuate. Although preparation will not prepare you for every situation you’ll be more in control of the situation and be less likely to flounder.
Confrontation although a rare occurrence is sometimes necessary and it is more than a simple conversation. By nipping these things in the bud getting to the heart of the matter often we stop things from getting worse.
I got this from a website that you might find helpful. Thanks to by Dr. Irene Matiatos and her website http://www.drirene.com.
Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below. If you answer ‘yes’ to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:
Does your partner:
ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
walk away without answering you?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
roll his or her eyes when you talk?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don’t feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won’t get?
tell you you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
“twist” your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him or her?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even “accidentally”?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can’t win? damned if you do, damned if you don’t?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is “proof” that you are to blame?
try to convince you he or she is “right,” while you are “wrong?”
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?
Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:
You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change…especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.
Gen 3:1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” 2 The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, 3 but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'” 4 “You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. 5 “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”
We all remember Charlie Brown’s Halloween cartoon that we watch each year on TV. Charlie Brown could never catch a break. He went trick-o-treating with his friends and while each one got candy, Charlie Brown would dejectedly profess, “All I got was a rock.” Yet, year after year we would watch him go through the same motions again, getting dressed up, just to be disappointed, hoping that this year it would be different. He craved acceptance and to fit in and just get some candy!
In the garden while most of us would say Adam and Eve needed nothing, that isn’t exactly true. They needed air, they needed relationship, they needed food and shelter. Each of us was created with things our bodies crave. All you have to do is go on a fast and see how fast your body craves food. In this passage of scripture we see where Satan preyed on the natural temptation of a craving in Eve. Because we were created in the image of God we have a need to feel powerful and in control. We have a need to know what the secret is. Forget the fact that because we are are made in his image we are powerful and in control and we already know what the secret is, our humanity thinks this is found outside of ourselves. God created this need for craving so that we would crave him. Everyone even the atheist has a craving in his being for a relationship with something bigger than himself.
Cravings are something we all have. Temptations to indulge in the cravings come along all the time. Ask the drug addict if he’d rather have drugs than food and he’ll answer that drugs is what he craves; yet he understands his need for food, it just doesn’t satisfy his craving. Ask the dieter what they crave and it’s never a diet bar, it’s always a food item they can’t have that they crave. Sometimes cravings tell us what is missing from our bodies. The person who craves crunching ice needs to have their iron levels tested, as it’s sometimes a symptom of an iron deficiency.
The key to cravings is to master them and not have them master you. The challange becomes to rule over your cravings and put them in perspective. Just as your flesh has its cravings and desires so does your soul. Everyone was created with cravings both flesh and soul. The question becomes can we control our cravings or do they control us? Can the things that are not good for us be done away with?
I have an allergy to dairy. I break out in horrible big splotchy red welt-like hives that are so incredibly itchy. Sometimes, I have a baked potato with a little sour cream and I break out all over, sometimes I have a scoop of ice cream and I get a few welts but nothing major. See, I never know when I go to eat a dairy product what the results will be. I’ve had this allergy all of my life and so you’d think now that I am 44 I would stay completely away from all dairy products but that is not the case. Sometimes, I crave a scoop of Jamoca ice cream from Baskin Robbins. Usually, when the craving hits and it’s a couple a year, I can go a few weeks without giving into my craving but eventually I go for it. The reason I do this is because the momentary pleasure is worth the pain.
What are you craving that you know is not good for you? What do you keep going back to when you know it only result in same outcome as always? We’ll discuss more tomorrow. For now, reflect on these things.
Marina, a young mother had some valid issues to address in her comments and I wanted to bring them forward as we discuss solutions.
Marina:When I was little, I was sucked into feminist deceit thinking that women should be just as successful as men and we need to rise up and prove that women are actually superior in many areas. I now see that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone!! I know who I am and whose I am. My career focus has been dramatically changed. Please don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying women shouldn’t work or be successful, God wants to partner with us in our desires so that He can use us wherever we are. The thing is, I have realized the source of many of my desires has come from this prideful, feminist propoganda. This has so touched my heart that I am actually considering what I can do to spend more time at home raising my child and children to come!
According to Tony Robbins, a 40 year study on 1.3 million women show that women are more unhappy today than ever before. So what is the reason for it? I believe we’ve hit on it over the last few days.
You see, when you look at how we were created and when we were created our unhappiness makes sense. In Genesis, the woman, in physical body form, didn’t come on the scene until everything was in place and ordered by God. Her body was formed out of man after he developed a need for her. She was created to be his helpmeet. She was emotion and love and sacrifice and willful and strong and opinionated. She also carries the seed and multiplies into human form, so she is hated by Satan. When you remove her from all that she was created to be, she is lost to her original design.
She finds herself today out of order. She finds herself today, both mother and father, both working and sustaining. Her apron strings long to have children tied to them but her demands are many. She’s painted herself into a corner and yet pride and obligation keep her from her true destiny. Her number one need is security but she finds herself in a world where the only security she has lies in her own abilities.
The biggest thing corporate America will tell her is that she will risk her career by taking a time-out for her family. That statistic is, that in fact, she will make less money and have less ladder climbing ability over her overall career than a women who stuck it out. Hey, facts are facts.
Ask yourself, should you make your lifelong decisions based on financial gain? Are there some things that are more important than money? It would seem that the 1.3 million women who participated in the study that Tony Robbins talks about, will tell you that there’s got to be more to life than what we’ve been given over the last 40 years.
I tell this story all the time but it bears repeating. When my son Anthony was 5 and my daughter Casey was months old, my neighbor came home with a new car. A working mom, her kids in daycare, they were going to Greece that summer for a 10 day vacation. I was beyond jealous. We shared a car and weren’t going on vacation. I determined that day to get a job because I was missing out on the good life. After I put Casey down for a nap and fed Anthony, I was rocking him to sleep. He would nuzzle my neck and play with my hair while he yawned and talked. That day he said, “Mommy, you always smell so comfortable.” It stabbed my heart. Who would rock him to sleep, who would smell comfortable to him? No one but me.
My mom was a working mom. She got to hear about our first word and first step, she regrets she missed her time with us. I was a stay-at-home mom, I could tell you a million stories. The only thing that I regret is that my kids grew up. It was the most fulfilling, happy time of my life. I have a career now and I’m happy with that. Women: you can have it all. I promise you, I am proof of that. I have to now tell you the bad news. You can’t have it all at once! Make wise choices.
In part three of the discussion on lies we women have bought into, Marina, a young mom brings up some interesting points that I thought were provoking enough to discuss.
Marina:Many have abortions because the timing is not right, they can’t afford a baby. This has become not just a mindest, but a cultural mindset affecting an entire nation. The laws in place are not a cure for this mentality, it just masks the symptoms. The real problem has come from a cultural shift on our priorities and what we regard as first importance.
Pastor Susan: What happened was that the moms of the 60’s raised daughters who believed that men were trying to keep us from our goals. We also had very guilty feeling moms who knew the heart-wrenching decisions of picking work over their children. Yet, they were stuck. Women were telling other women that they were somehow less than for feeling guilty or for wanting to stay home. They were asking the women why their husbands weren’t carrying 50% of the workload at home. So women sucked it up and did what they had to do. This created moms who were out of sorts, feeling guilty, tired and resentful of the whole mess. Women began to believe they had options. That their needs were more important than an inconvenient pregnancy. Only statistically we see many more women who live in bondage over the decision of abortion than women who live free. They end having deep regret, they think about it each year saying things like, “My baby would have been 14 had I kept it.” If this was such a flippant decision then the residue of that action would not permeate our thoughts in the now. It’s not as easy as women told us it would be.
Marina:I have been struggling with this issue even before I attended this conference because for the last few weeks, every time I drop my child off at the sitter’s I think to myself “I should be the one that spends time with my child during the day, loving him, playing with him and teaching him.”
Pastor Susan: Now there is this shift happening not just in Marina but in her generation who is waking up to the knowledge that women were sold a bill of goods. The adults who were raised as latchkey kids realize they missed out on something. The women of this generation are realizing that we weren’t given more freedom, we were given more burden. Now we are expected to work, raise children and statistically we are doing a majority of the household chores and running of the kids from event to event. We are tired! Women realized that they spent their childhood raising themselves, divorce rates increased in this society and we were not better for it.
The problem lies in that our society has changed. Men, for the most part, and I am generalizing here, don’t want to marry women who want to stay home and raise children. If truth be told, 40% of white, over 50% of Hispanic and over 70% of African American babies are born out-of-wedlock. 65% of kids in prison don’t know their fathers and if they do, they weren’t raised with them. Men also are in an period of finding themselves so they also think they are entitled to stay home. It’s a mess to say the least.
Tomorrow let’s talk about what this all means and what we have to do to make it work for everyone.
Yesterday I repeated a blog on Lies Women Believe. Marina commented on this from her perspective as a young mother. I didn’t want her comments to get lost and I want to discuss it further.
Marina:Wow….this article was sent to me by my mother…it is soo true. I myself have been evaluating this issue for the last four days, and here’s why. I was at a conference this last weekend and one of the speakers was Kris Vallaton of Bethel Church in Redding, CA. He gave us a little spill that has had me thinking. He brought up the issue of abortion and how this issue has arised in our culture and how our society’s value of children has been demeaned. America went through the agricultural age with a high value for children. The children helped with the farm and helped to bring income in their family. They were important to the family. They could do more. Somewhere along the line (after the war sometime) the feminist era creeped in and women had an itch to be comparable, to be valued as much as men.
Pastor Susan: During WWII women went to work, while the men went to war. It’s what was needed to keep our country going but what happened is, we really liked working. We liked the independence and we were appreciated in a new sense. This group of women, raised women of my mother’s era. My mother graduated high school in 1959 and for the first time, women of her generation were given options. No longer did they HAVE to get married and have children to be considered decent women. Suddenly they were going to college to get a masters and not a Mrs.
Marina:In the industrial age many women entered the workplace and suddenly the children became a burden for the family. Now we need somebody else to watch our children because he have the responsibility to provide just as the man because now we’re equal! Our mindests become as such: The more children we have the more expenses we have and the children are no longer valuable for helping us, but burdensome for taking from us.
Pastor Susan: This were the dilemma came in. As women, we were supposed to work and bring home the money but society still expected every woman to have a child. If you were a woman who didn’t want a child you were considered selfish or something was wrong with you. We still carry that stigma. If you wanted to stay home and raise your child, you were a stone-aged babe who needed to get with it. The pressure was coming from all angles and we, as women, were just as caught up in the pressure of this new generation as the men were.
Men became accessories in this era. Women determined that men weren’t necessary. We needed their sperm but not their input. We began to teach our sons that they needed to find a woman who would work and help him financially keep the family together. It was a pretty sad state of affairs but you would have never convinced us of this at this time. This is, coincidentally or not, if you see the writing (spirituality) on the wall, where the shift in families attending church services began to decline. I mean, think about it, with all we had going on at the time, we couldn’t fit another thing in. We were tired women and something had to give!
Something has been on my heart recently. It’s about those missed windows of opportunity that occur in a woman’s life. I grew up in a feminist household so until maybe the last 10 years or so, I believed a lot of the propaganda. Now, I believe some of it and some I dismiss as damaging. Let me explain.
I believe that women should earn as much as a man for equal work, no question about that. I believe that women should get an education and should pursue their passions, buying property and handling money. I am in no way a woman who believes a woman should be at home or a subservient.
That being said, I know so many women who have pursued their dream career only to find themselves in their mid to late thirties and just meeting that man of her dreams. Marrying him, she is approaching 40 when her baby hunger arrives. Frustrated, heart-broken and thousands of dollars later, she is desperate to have a child. Only what has happened is, that she has traded her child bearing days for the corporate ladder and now time has run out. Medicine has tried to keep up but it’s not as successful as we’d like to believe.
There are windows of opportunity in a woman’s life. There is time in a young woman’s life where she is finishing college and heading into her career. She is becoming who is supposed to be and hopefully finding her lifelong spouse. This is a window of opportunity.
There is time in her late-20’s and her 30’s to grab hold of that baby hunger and raise her children. There is nothing wrong or sad about a woman who takes a time-out to do this for herself and her family. I think we demean a woman who chooses to do this and I believe that it is her right to choose for herself what she’d like to do in this season of her life.
Then there is the time in her early 40’s where she once again pursues her passions for herself. This is where the burden comes in for me. I’ve met many women who are in this season of their life and they are only getting started on marriage and family. Unfortunately, for many, their window of opportunity for a child or four has come and gone. We can’t fight nature. I’ve hugged them as they cried because tests have shown that they no longer are in the stage of their life where a baby is possible naturally. I’ve seen their eyes as they explain that they were always told that they could get fertility treatments and have a child. Only fertility treatments are expensive and not always as successful as we’d like to think. There are seasons in a woman’ life and sometimes opportunities are missed.
I think we’ve been told that a woman can do anything a man can do. Sometimes that’s true and sometimes it’s not. A man can have children in old age, a woman can’t. Instead of thinking that her body has betrayed her, we must teach our daughters that we have moments that must be grabbed in life. We must teach that career is not the only enrichment in life and that one day, we’ll look up from our work, to discover that we’ve missed out on some things that we’d like to have. Let’s begin to talk about this.
We went off for a two day break. We call these Leadership Advances because we get refreshed and renewed. We get away from the noise and the tyranny of the urgent and get to what’s important, listening to that still small voice and taking an assessment of where we’ve been and where we’re going. So as we drove through the mountains, our destination was on the horizon.
We arrived, and immediately did a drive-by of our favorite spot. We were happy to be free for a couple of days. Thank you God for a some rest. The next morning we got up bright and early, had a good breakfast and went to set up camp!
We settled in for the day. Neither of us really saying a word. We really needed to be quiet. Let the Advance begin!
We stayed until the sun began to set and it started to get a little cold. As leaders though we are never quite alone. There are always those who need ministry and today was no exception. They came to sit at our feet.
My husband, the pastor, never misses an opportunity to preach the word. So he gathered them around and began.
The looks on their faces were priceless!
We went home that evening happy and refreshed and ready to do it again the next day.
As Brooke Fraser ministered to me through my Ipod with her song, Indelible, the view was incredible, the sun was shining and God was whispering. I had been sensing a connection that was unlike one I had experienced before and I was glad that I was not disappointed. How magnificent You created the earth to look, Lord. Who could not have faith in You when they see Your wonders?
Our friends were back and we relaxed in the beauty of the wonders He has created.
We stayed until the sun began to go down once again. We are headed home now as you read this. Refreshed, renewed, anointed and invigorated. Praise God for His blessings!
I read. A lot. Right now I’m reading three books, blogs, twitter, facebook, emails, texts. I have a hunger to learn all that I can. I believe there is wisdom in books. I’m married to a reader and my four kids are readers. We read.
So why did it bother so much when a person in our church said, “You know us Hispanics, we don’t read.” It bothered me on levels I guess. One, is that there is still prejudice in our country. While we may have a half African American president, there are still times like last week when I went into a store whose sales clerks didn’t greet me but greeted the other woman who came in and asked her if she needed help finding anything. Funny how the same clerk looked shocked when I was checking out came and asked, “Was anyone helping you?”, and I replied, “No, everyone was too busy to even greet me, knowing that I was the only person in the store at the time.” It’s not lost on me that these things still happen. So when ignorant blanket statements about Hispanics are made by Hispanics themselves it makes me angry on a certain level.
Two, if in fact we are called to be followers of Christ but profess not to read, then our knowledge of him is limited and based on what we’ve heard rather than what we know. This is a dangerous place to be because you can be fooled into thinking anything. If you don’t know your rights in the kingdom then you can’t exercise them. It becomes a never-ending circle of ignorance.
Three, it excuses you to remain ignorant and on a level lower than you were intended to live. This is not kingdom living. This is merely existence on the planet. Reading is a gift that many were not given. There are people who would love to know how to read. You are throwing the gift of reading away as a casual thing. Reading can change your life.
So let’s stop bragging about how we hate to read and begin to access the gift of reading and get out of the self-imposed pit of ignorance.
I wrote this blog two and a half years ago. So what do you say? Have things changed? Looking forward to your answers.
art.com
Fat, dumb and happy, this seems to describe the average American right now. We are the most obese nation in the world as well as, fat with information, education, money, resources, have the most consumerism and yet we can’t be filled. There is simply never enough for us as we consume everything set before us and are left empty and desiring more.
Our children are considered the least educated, compared to the countries that are our counterparts. Our teachers scream they aren’t paid enough and more money would fix the problem yet, we spend per capita the most per student of any of these other countries. We have a powerful political teachers union and what is actually eating the money is, the administration of how it is spent, we spend at the top, recruit the best teachers into administrative positions. Then there is the fact that we have some inept teachers, whom we can’t fire because they have tenure, and we can’t hire new teachers, who are on the ball, because we don’t have the funds.
We no longer teach spelling anymore because as the teachers at my children’s school told us, we don’t need to, we have spell check. But if you didn’t come close to spelling the word in the first place, then it’s of little help. Those of us who read blogs see the spelling errors, and know what I am talking about. And forget sentence structure, I didn’t learn it either. Even the newspapers today have misspelled words.
We watch television for all of our information and we rarely read anything. Try to get someone to read a book and they act like Superman with Kryptonite. Some people actually brag, “I haven’t read a book since high school, bless God!” With the No Child Left Behind Act, at least here in California, kids are being passed and yet they can’t read beyond a third grade level. This limits their potential and I don’t understand what we think they are going to be able to accomplish with their life.
We play video games for hours and hours and we allow our children to play them for hours as well. We ignore the violence in them and call them harmless entertainment. When I was in school we had one overweight kid in our class, his name was Carl. The rest of us were just average sized kids. Drive by any school today and average sized kids aren’t the norm anymore. We are a sedentary group who prefers online chat to riding a bike. When we were kids we played outside after school. The increase in childhood illness increases daily and diabetes and heart disease is being detected earlier and earlier. We’re endangering our children and we don’t seem to mind so much. Fast food is what we eat and Super Size It!
Kids have cell phones, portable DVD players, credit cards, every video game known to man, portable video game players and yet, they are always bored.
We have been lulled into thinking this is life! We’ve been told that to be fat and dumb is to be happy. This is a total lie. The fact is people have never been more miserable. Anti-depressant medication is being prescribed like candy. We have more stuff but it doesn’t fulfill us.
We live in the best country in the world, at least I believe so. People are literally dying to come here. Yet we, who should be thanking God that we live here, complain and act apathetic. We can live a different life. We can live a truly content life but it’s going to take us standing up, deciding not to drink the punch of passivity and getting active. Active in determining that we don’t have to live like the neighbors. Determining to be active as we take control of our health and well being. We need to get active in believing that we can live life more peacefully debt free and giving ourselves to service, rather than to consume all that we have and mortgage our lives away. We can get active by more family activities and less stuff. We can learn to read what is really happening in our world and then actively making positive changes to fix it. We can learn to be properly informed about what is going on in the world and that requires not just reading what our media is telling us, but getting some international news and reading a different perspective. There is a whole world out there that we are missing out on.
There was a time when we interacted with one another, now we text, call on cell phone and email and somehow that makes up for fellowship. Yet studies show that people live longer and more satisfied lives when their life is simple and they meet with friends on a regular basis. So the choice is, fat, dumb and happy or healthy, informed and fulfilled. Seems simple but it requires we get off our collective butts and get moving in the right direction!
Pastor Susan 