Category: Friendship

Stay In Your Own Movie

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Drama.

Some people are magnets for it. For the rest of us, we have enough drama in our own lives that we don’t need to go looking for more. I mean honestly, if you wanted a Emmy winning Lifetime movie you could look no further than my own life and I’m sure yours too. We’d have these nail-biting scenes where we wonder if I’ll ever get back into those jeans or not,  these amazing dramatic love scenes, break-ups and tears, and love and passion, then treacherous relationship that would make most soap operas look like amateur hour, and of course those scenes that look like blooper reels. Our own movies would be blockbuster hits!

So what makes us steer our car over to the drama of others and insert ourselves into their scenes? What makes us think we can do better?

EGO

We think somehow their drama is fixable, not like ours of course, because we are professionals. We think if we just share what we know, we can make it all better. Only let’s be real, what is it that we really know?

I love how Oprah does her famous question dramatically, “What’s the one thing you know for sure?” Then her guest look like they didn’t know the question was coming and they have to think about it. Trust me, if I were interviewed by Oprah, I’d know this question is coming up so I already have an answer. Are you ready?

“The one thing I know for sure, is the longer I live, the more I don’t know anything at all.”

But I guess that’s why I probably won’t be interviewed by Oprah. So her guests answer her question with pretty much a version of, “Well, Oprah the one thing I know for sure is that there is a force within us and we will return to that force one day.” And yeah, well I believe that too. Only I call my force Jesus.

EGO- I learned from a Wayne Dyer book that EGO can be an acronym for Edging God Out. In other words, when we come into the scene in rescue mode, often times we play God and none of us is fit to fill that position. Sorry to break it to you, when we act from a place of the mind, what we know, instead of spirit, what we don’t really know but discern from God,  we Edge God Out. I can hear some of you screaming “BUT WHAT IF”. My response is, “Even if”.  Stay in your own movie. Don’t go photo bombing someone else’s scene. Smile, close the door and know that if they will access Jesus they will work out a solution. Give advice when asked but please stay in your own movie.

 

Greedy

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Most people don’t see themselves as greedy or selfish but most of us are in one way or another. So what is greed?

Greed – noun – excessive or rapacious desire, especially for wealth or possessions.

Greed is taking more than you give.

Sit on that statement for a minute. It’s taking more than you give.

There is enough in the world for everyone’s need but not enough for everyone’s greed. ~ Frank Buchman

Potlucks and buffets show greed in the most interesting way. Some people are just generous, they walk in with a lot of food to share. You’re supposed to bring a dish to share but this person walks in with two or three dishes or one dish big enough to feed an army. Other people walk in with little or nothing. Their reasoning is that they don’t eat much, or knew there would be an abundance of food. That in and of itself isn’t greediness but it isn’t generous. I watch behavior and sometimes I see people who didn’t participate in the food share, but they are quick to offer to take food home to their family if there are leftovers. Remember greed is taking more than you give.

I don’t know what happens to people at potlucks and buffets, including myself! Perhaps it’s the array of food. Perhaps it’s the syndrome of our eyes being bigger than our stomaches. We recently went to Las Vegas and everything looked so good that I got a little of everything. Then as I tasted the food, some of it was delicious and other things not so much. It would have been great to stop there, at the taste test, but I didn’t. I went back to get a little more of the delicious stuff. Why? Because tomorrow I wouldn’t have access to it. I wasn’t even hungry, I was greedy, and gluttonous.  Potlucks happen much the same way. We like something so much that we want it all for ourselves. Then something happens, we get into this mode of I must have it all.

Then there’s another sneakier greed that is ever pervasive in our society.

You can be considered greedy when you only invest in your own self interest. 

This manifests in different ways. See if any of these things speak to your heart:

We’ll ask our friends to buy the junk our kid is selling but we won’t buy their kid’s junk and if we do, you can bet it will be the cheapest thing on the list even if we don’t need it.

We wouldn’t dream of baking a lasagna for a potluck when we’re on a diet. We can’t eat it so neither should anyone else.

And seriously? They want us to volunteer in children’s ministry at our church. We don’t even have children in children’s ministry!

An offering to missions? Sure! Count me in! Okay, let’s see, I am going to Chili’s after church to eat so I’ll need $20.00 and I only have $23.00, so I’ll give $3. Oh wait, what if there is tax or I decide to have dessert?

My husband needs t-shirts but oh, this purse is so cute! I’ll buy him 2 instead of 5 and I’ll get myself a little treat for thinking of him. WIN WIN!!

Can you think of other examples?  Greed is subtle. We don’t even see that we have it. It’s time to take a good look at ourselves. We’ve been blessed with so much. Let’s be a blessing.

An Uncomfortable Thought

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I first visited my current church in 1999. After coming from a big church with great programs we had moved to a smaller town and therefore a smaller church. Was the word sound? Yes. There wasn’t a band just background music and singers. You had to work to be a part of the congregation. On our third visit there were chastised for sitting in certain seats and told to move and take it up with the pastor if we didn’t like it. We got called into a meeting to ask why we didn’t laugh at jokes.

I asked my husband to please move churches. He said no. He explained that the word was sound and scripture was accurate. Instead, he asked me to look to God and see where I could help and what I could pray for. He assured me that if the Lord prompted us to move we would. I wish I could tell you that I received this well, but I can’t tell you that truthfully. I am eternally grateful for the lesson though.

Now 14 years later here I am. Same place. I love our church. It’s not perfect because we’re human. We have a band now. I wish we had some gospel, but I no longer worry about the music. I just sing. I see people who are trying to love Jesus. I see people who help each other.  They have their pluses and minuses of me as well and it’s more than likely fair. I don’t worry about it. We’re a family. They got me through the death of my husband and loved and judged me through my new marriage. I have done the same with them. Don’t worry, we all repent and get back up and love again. It’s just our flesh. Today, as before, I just see where I can help and see what I can pray for. I look towards the Lord for direction.

Today an uncomfortable thought came as I studied the word.

What if I had my way all those years ago and I had left the church?

That question led to more uncomfortable thoughts:

  • What would I have learned about Spirit guiding spirit? I wouldn’t have. I would have fed myself.
  • What if I decided the Pepto Bismol walls and wallpaper border were just over the top? Well, actually, I did decide they were over the top but what if that had been my measurement of whether to stay or go? By the way, the color was that of the one above.
  • What if I wanted a band like the one I was used to? I would have missed the process of the forming of the band we have now.
  • Would I have learned to love God and love his people? No, I would have learned that this Christianity is about me and what is good for me.
  • What if I had changed churches like I’ve changed diets? Church would have become a fad of what the masses are doing and not what I’m called to do.
  • What would my spirit look like if I only had it my way? I’d be fat, dumb and happy in the flesh, but I would not have learned obedience and comfort are two distinct things and not everything is about me.

I met a friend for lunch. “How’s your church?”, I asked. “It’s not what I’m used to, but until God says move, I’ll stay.” I smiled and reached for her hand, “I understand!”

I have learned through all of this that God is in control. He puts us where he needs us and he doesn’t ask opinions. He expects that when we get to a certain point in our walk with him, that we walk in obedience not always in comfort. So what will you do? Will you stay where you’re at until you’re called to move? Or you will wander, until you get what you want? Will you murmur and complain or will you work to love? I’m praying that you hear him clearly lead you in the direction you are destined to follow.

Baby, We Can Talk About Anything

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1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love.

This scripture was part of our marriage class homework. I read it thoughtfully. Are there any areas of my marriage in which I don’t feel safe bringing up a topic?

You see, the word perfect here doesn’t mean perfect, it actually means mature. Mature love casts out fear. Since we’re works in progress there may be areas of our marriage in which we are not yet perfected. In my marriage I discovered that there isn’t a topic I’m afraid to bring up. BUT there are topics I know will bring about a discussion and raise the heat level.

I love how these truths are revealed with a minuscule of honest thought process. So what about you? Are there areas in your life where there is fear? If so, don’t wait for someone else to deal with it. You need to do the work to deal with it. Perfect the love in your life!

Lulu The Wonder Dog

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This is Lulu the Wonder Dog! What makes her so wonderful? Let me count the ways!

She is thrilled to see me every time I walk through the door.

She sticks by my side whether I have something to offer or not.

She loves to go to the office and sleep under my desk.

She loves to snuggle and watch a movie.

She really is the most verbal dog I have ever had.

She is trained and more obedient than any of my children.

She sighs as I do my chores and jumps on the couch and naps and waits patiently for me to finish.

She demands attention when I get distracted. She is known for taking my hands off of the computer with the prodding of her head. She also puts a paw on the computer and gets in my face when she needs attention.

She loves Starbucks as much as I do!

Lulu came to me at a transitional time in my life. She was at a critical time in her life. Near death, I bottled fed her, gave her IV’s, and nursed her back to health. She nursed my soul as I came back to life. She asked no tough questions, she simply gazed into my eyes with understanding. I named her after my daughter Casey who when she was little decided she wanted to be called Lulu. Casey was transitioning into adult life after college and I was having a rough time of it. I needed a reminder of a time.

She was the bridge with our family and reconnected us through her love and her persistence. She was the steady constant one, reminding me that she needed me to look outside of myself to her service. She wasn’t perfect. She ate my favorite pair of heels as a puppy. Had no shame either. She sat on my bed with said shoe in her mouth and chowed down. That’s when I learned to close my closet door.

Now she’s all grown up and still the most active dog I’ve ever had. She never stops. She also is the biggest tattletale I’ve ever seen. She’ll wake me up at 2 am just to get me to come and see that my husband is downstairs making queso dip and watching the military channel and he isn’t sharing. She was great at pointing out the kids weren’t following the no food in their rooms rule because she would discover the stashes of empty cereal bowls.

In this picture we’re driving to deliver a meal to a friend. You can see her smiling. She loves people. In our human understanding we say she is a rescue dog. A puppy from the pound. In her heart she doesn’t see it that way. She rescued us and keeps us all together and happy. That’s what makes her a wonder dog!

The Two Dogs

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A MAN had two dogs: a Hound, trained to assist him in his sports, and a Housedog, taught to watch the house. When he returned home after a good day’s sport, he always gave the Housedog a large share of his spoil. The Hound, feeling much aggrieved at this, reproached his companion, saying, “It is very hard to have all this labor, while you, who do not assist in the chase, luxuriate on the fruits of my exertions.” The Housedog replied, “Do not blame me, my friend, but find fault with the master, who has not taught me to labor, but to depend for subsistence on the labor of others.”

Children are not to be blamed for the faults of their parents.

Translated by George Fyler Townsend. Aesop’s Fables (p. 36). Amazon Digital Services, Inc..

Creating Sacred Space

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Hebrews 13:4 Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband.

I am a firm believer in a marriage bed. I believe it is sacred space. I am not a big fan of a family bed because I believe that it erodes a small piece of intimacy between a husband and a wife. That being said, I let a little something come between my husband and I. I began to let Lulu the wonder dog, snuggle in our bed before she had to go to her crate. My husband quickly referred to her as “the space between”. I had violated my own rule!

In most homes there is a living space, a dining space, a kitchen, a bathroom, and then there are bedrooms. Can there be one space where a man and a woman find a place of romance, beauty, intimacy and oneness? You share you life with so many in those places that creating a sacred space for just two people seems like a small thing to ask.

With that said, over the next little while in my life, I’m going to spend some time redoing our sacred space. I love our bedding, but I had put our “good stuff” away because I didn’t want Lulu to mess it up. We’re taking back our sacred space! I simply allowed her to jump on the bed and lie at our feet, but she’ll adapt, and we’ll go back to that space being for the two of us.

Words Have Power

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In the scope of a week in my world:

1. Paula Deen gets fired for saying the N word 27 years ago.

2. I scan over an article, deem it worthy of sharing on FB, then as I am reading it out loud, I realize it is over the top in language and I plunge towards my computer to delete the message. Too late in those few minutes a bunch of people have read it and I am mortified. I apologize for it, but too late I’ve already been judged it for and it’s fair, and I accept the blame.

3. I see a picture of one of the church guys on FB. He’s dressed in a tux and sunglasses and someone has responded about the pimp in the picture. Never mind that he is a husband and a father of daughters. The same daughters that pimps would try to exploit if they had the chance.

We all make stupid mistakes.

In the case of Paula Deen I guess my question is has she changed? Is she sorry she got caught or is she more evolved? I will never know, I don’t run in her circles. I would want my sorry to mean something though.

I have never said the N word. I wasn’t brought up in her neck of the woods. In my vicinity it’s more about the spics, the wetbacks, and the coconuts. I’ve never said those words either but I’ve felt their sting before. More lately the words seem to be sexually powered rather than racially motivated. Pimp, ho, gangsta, biatch (which always catches my attention because of the spelling). I’ve also taken note of the people who say them. They tend to be ignorant.

“So what are ya?”, I was asked while in Texas.  Ok, I tend to be more than a little sarcastic, so I replied, “a woman, what do you mean what am I?” “I know that! I mean where ya from?”  “California, third generation. I’m American. Do you want to know if I’m a Latina? Yes I am.” “I know that! What kind?” As if it would matter, “Mexican.” And there it is, the little sneer that tells me that you think I’m less than you and where I wish Alex Trebek would show up on cue and show you I am not any more or less a person, but I more than likely have you beat in my world. I get the fervor over Paula Deen’s comment. It stings.

I also see life from her perspective. She was brought up in a place and time where there was an us and a them. I’m from the next generation and don’t feel that way.  I was born in a time after desegregation and so my friends were everyone. Our generation, those who weren’t ignorant, didn’t go around calling each other stereotypical names. It was too fresh and too raw. We knew better. That’s where my generation parts ways with the generation that comes after us. To call someone the N word, a pimp, a ho, gangsta, etc… is met with distain and offense on my part because I know what those words mean and I don’t think by making them seem cool changes the meaning of the word.  The generation after me glorifies sexualization and money no matter who you have to enslave to get there.  Suddenly being a pimp and selling women to get money seems like a cool way to make a living. Until it’s your daughter.

Words. They are powerful, they mark territory, people, and more importantly show who we are. Use them carefully. Weigh them out. Would you be okay if someone called you a profiling name and then said, “oh just kidding”? Let’s be smarter. I promise to be.

The Can’t Get It Together Dads

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Scare a woman and she will attack. ~ Oprah Winfrey

Listening to an interview with Cindy Crawford she talked about life after her parent’s divorce and how it shaped her adult life. She said her father would come by their home once a week to drop off his child support except when he was mad at her mother. Then he would punish his family by not providing support for that week which created a scenario where they were short on groceries. She said that the effect on her as a child created an inner vow in which she said she would never depend on a man for finances. That vow created a problem in her marriage where her husband wanted to take care of her but she could not allow it. She had to reconcile this vow within her to reasonable conclusion.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

My cousin recently posted on Facebook that her husband took their daughter’s high school graduation program to the court the following week to cut his child support, even though their daughter received great grades and was going to college. Basically he let his daughter know he was not going to be responsible for her education and that he had been biding his time. The immediate ramifications are rejection, hurt, and disappointment to a young adult whom this man has donated sperm to, but not fathered. Abuse in any form is intolerable.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

I know a man, who refused to pay his full child support. He would tell his ex wife, “you’ll get what you get”. Their custody arrangement was one in which he was to pay for half of the medical but he would call her cussing and yelling at her every time she took their children to the doctor and would tell her he would  not F&**%$#  pay for it. What was she doing wrong that made them sick. When his daughter needed braces his reply was, his teeth were straight so it obviously was the mother’s DNA that created the problem so she could pay for it. College? Forget it. He paid partial payments of his inadequate support to coincide with their 18th birthday. Visitation was random to say the least. Yet to hear it be told he was misunderstood. Fortunately for this little family of three, another man came in and picked up the tab and they were saved from the statistic that besets women of falling into poverty.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

In all of these cases the children were abused. I call it abuse because not caring whether your children have enough food, clothing, shelter, medical attention, education, and above all love is abuse. I could quote scripture but a get it together dad is unbeliever because love would have led them to a different conclusion.

The results of this type of behavior have long lasting effects. Children live their lives always looking over their shoulders not sure if they will be taken care of or not because security is what both their parents should have given. They can’t fully trust in a relationship because at any moment that person may walk and they will be left holding the bag of responsibility. I’m sorry doesn’t make up for the years of abuse poured on by the can’t get it together dad.

Scare a woman and she will attack. 

Sadly though she attacks the wrong man.

Balancing The Overachiever 2

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If you’re just tuning in please go back and catch the first installment here.

Last year, those who have hung with me that long, saw that I really began to put balance into play. I’d slip up, but then I’d get back on track again and really try to balance it out. It felt foreign. It felt slothful. It didn’t fit. My husband smiled more, but I had an inward battle to fight, just like anyone addicted to anything. I’d wake up in the middle of the night thinking of all the things I had to do. I’d sneak downstairs with my computer and get emails written and things done before I could be discovered. There were nights, or mornings, when my husband would startle me, sneaking downstairs and standing behind me and saying, “What on earth are you doing?” It was work to kick the habit of habitually working.

Then I figured it out and I put a business plan together for balance. Sound crazy? Maybe, but if you’re an overachiever the goal you set is always in your mind and you will not only meet it, you will supersede it, because that is who you are and what you are good at. I have to tell you that at this writing I’ve met my goals! I work so hard at balancing that my husband laughs at me while enjoying me more. It can be done.

I work an average of 50 hours per week 3 out of 4.3 weeks, keep reading before you scoff. The last week I add an additional 8 hours of work. It totally works for me and I have been able to cut about 12-15 hours out of my work week. Next year my goal is cut an additional 5 hours from my week, but for now, I am really happy with the results because I take two additional days off a month now, okay let me tell the truth, I try to take two additional days off per month reducing my work hours for the month by 16 hours total. I go and visit my mother, who lives 2.5 hours away once a month. That never happened before because I was always too busy. My mother would say, “Aye, mija, you’re always working.”  I don’t feel guilty if I get a migraine or the flu and have to come home to take care of my body. I don’t try to muscle through it. I’ve decided I’m not that tough and I’m worth taking care of. I also have one day a month that I call the recharge day. Nothing gets done that day. I stay in pajamas all day. It’s heaven on earth actually. In next post we’ll break it down to brass tacks on how to rework your life plan.