Category: Friendship

A Damsel in Distress

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I was sitting outside at a friend’s home while their children played in the pool. “Watch this Pastor Susan”, was the cry out and I was enjoying watching them play and interacting with them.

Adam was the first one out of the pool. He quickly got a squirt gun and began to take out the imaginary bad guys that were roaming around in the backyard, infringing on his freedom and his territory. You have to know Adam, he’s very observant and quiet, well mannered, thoughtful, and 5 years old. He came quietly to me and said, “Pastor Susan, pretend you’re the girl that the bad guys want to get. You yell, ‘Help, Help’, and I’ll shoot them for you.” So we played. Did you know a squirt gun can spray icky sticky Spiderman web fluid all the way to the clouds to protect the girl in trouble? Adam’s dad is a police officer, so as Superhero Adam captured the imaginary bad guys he did his due diligence and asked them for their driver’s license and he ran it through his imaginary machine. I suppose even Superheroes have to check for priors, or outstanding warrants.

It made me smile because most men want to rescue a damsel in distress. John Eldredge tells us that  a man needs a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue. Dr. Laura Schlessinger would tell you that when you rescue a damsel in distress then all you get is a distressed damsel. Both are correct but written into the heart of this boy is that he wants to be a hero and he needs my female approval that he is doing his service to mankind.

I wanted to tell Adam that there will be many battles to fight, but not all them will be a hill to die on. I wanted to tell him that life can be an adventure and that he should enjoy as many adventures as he can. I wanted to tell him that rescuing a beauty means a whole different thing to his generation where women aren’t sure they need rescuing and men have been emasculated.  I wanted to tell him all of that but he’s five and we’ll have conversations as he grows. For now, I want to keep his fantasy going for a little while longer. I will pray over him that he finds the right woman, at the right time, and that she is healthy and strong and compliments him well for his entire life moving forward. For now I will pray that she always thinks he’s her superhero.  There will be plenty of time for these talks later. In the moment I am having fun. His younger brother Mark comes and joins in to play  with us and I stayed the damsel in distress as they cleared the backyard of bad guys.

Moments of Desperation

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In 1999 we began attending a little church in a little town. Walking in for the first time it was scene right out of the 80’s. Wallpaper border, pink walls, fake plants, and lots of stuff spray painted gold. Like all churches, some of the people were nice and said hello and others didn’t. The pastor could not remember my name and I think addressed me by many names before he gave up. Can you tell I wasn’t really impressed?

I had come from a big city with a big church and big programs and lots of opportunities to serve. Small towns don’t really have all of that but somehow I expected the church to have it and I can’t even tell you why. We’d walk in Sunday after Sunday and I would look at the negative. The message was solid but I wasn’t happy because it wasn’t fulfilling my needs.

I begged my husband to commute to our old church. He was reassuring but firm.

“Susan, do they open their bibles and preach from it?”

“Yes, they do but they also are really concerned about Y2K and…”

“Yes, that’s beside the point. Is the teaching solid?”

“Yes, but that lady was rude telling us we weren’t allowed to sit in her seat.”

“I know you’re unhappy but you need to focus on God. We’re not leaving and commuting to church. Our family needs to be involved in the city we live in. So unless God speaks to me, we’re staying here.”

“But what if he speaks to me?” This was my approach at manipulation and my husband was wise enough to not argue.

Can God speak to us as wives? Of course he can. Does he lead us out of our covering? I don’t see it in scripture. Looking back to that unhappy beginning I could not have seen the things that I would face over these last 17 years.  I would lose my husband to an untimely death. I would raise my children in that little church. I would marry its pastor. I would answer a call to ministry and I would be sitting here today reflecting on how submission works for our good.

I could have fought hard for my way. I could have led my family out because I wasn’t getting what I needed but I knew my husband was a good leader if I would allow him to be and I knew that he would guide me well. Trust is the issue that causes us to do what we want despite our spouses protests. We don’t believe they are spiritual enough. We don’t believe they hear from the Lord as well as we do. We don’t ultimately trust them to lead.

Often in women’s ministry I am asked to pray for that backslidden husband or to pray for that husband to become more mature in the things of the Lord but what I see often is when that man does stand up for what he’d like he stands in the opposition of his wife.

Let’s be wise women, praying in unity with our spouse without manipulation. Allowing our speech to be pleasing and not divisive, and knowing that moments of desperation are not moments of flight but moments of submission to a greater cause that we know nothing about in the moment.

 

 

 

What’s The Image You Are Projecting?

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My husband I were walking hand in hand talking when he said, “Goodness those poor girls need a mother.” The scene was two girls walking with low cut tops and shorts that were too short to cover their bottoms. From his perspective he thinks they don’t have fashion sense because no one has taught them. From my perspective, as a mother, this may be partially true and it could be a number of  other things like free will choices.

What is the message that you’re sending? In the workplace are you trying to be taken seriously or trying to be taken sexually? In your free time are you comfortable with people who see your body or your personality?

I saw a young unmarried woman who had way too much cleavage showing and hickeys on her breast for added effect. All I could think of was she had way too much self esteem by the mere fact that she felt comfortable letting us all know how immoral she was. Judgment? Yes. Will I be judged by the same measure? Absolutely. So the next time you see me with my cleavage out and hickeys you can call me a hypocrite and I’ll hang my head in shame and own the title.

Unfortunately society gives a mixed message. On one hand they say cover up to avoid being devalued, and on the other hand they say if you want to have value you must be sexy.  It feels like you can’t win. Top that off with a fatherless generation where girls really don’t have a true compass of what is right and we end up with this dilemma.

What these young women didn’t understand is that yes, men are visual but humans are creative and imaginative creations. Meaning the more you show the less there is to pursue. The more body you show the more you project how little power you have. Society tells us sexuality is power but when someone falls for the outside visual personification of you often they fail to see the inside characteristics of you.

The fact that he finds you sexy seems great at first, but when he can’t see past the exterior of you to who you are will that be enough? What about when you’re gunning for that promotion and you aren’t taken seriously? There is freedom in the dress code of a Christian woman. By no means am I suggesting she has to wear turtlenecks in the summer but there is a happy medium.

Here is a video I found on Huffington Post that I think is really great at showing us a before and after, please listen carefully to their comments it will give you great insight as to how women are perceived. Click Here.

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You’re Not Allowed

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It bothers me when a spouse says in public what their spouse is allowed to do and what they aren’t allowed to do. I can only imagine what that nightmare of a marriage looks like in private.

“My husband is not allowed to drink his coffee in the living room.”

“My wife is not allowed to work.”

“My husband knows better than to think he’s bringing home a recliner.”

I stay quiet as I hear these statements but in my mind I think, “Bully”. I believe when we try to usurp authority over a person we are in essence saying we are higher than God. The bible reads that God is not one who overrides your free will instead he offers choices. Those choices usher in his presence or not.

Revelation 3:20 Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.

Mark 8:34 And calling the crowd to him with his disciples, he said to them, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

Revelation 22:17 The Spirit and the Bride say, “Come.” And let the one who hears say, “Come.” And let the one who is thirsty come; let the one who desires take the water of life without price.

My husband and I are very strong people in very different ways. I am verbal and will say what I think. He is non-verbal and votes with his action. So when we disagree we tend to stop until a compromise is reached. He has never said to me that I wasn’t allowed to do something and I have never forbid him anything. We both take into account the free will of the other.

Are there forbidden things in a marriage? Of course! Adultery, Abuse, Addiction, Manipulation, Lying are things that are forbidden in a marriage but I would think if I have to demand a ceasing of these actions then I married the wrong person who lacks love and character.

When we  continually call the shots, continually admonish our spouse as if they are our child, continually manipulate the finances, I wonder where Christ is in all of that? When it’s our way or the highway whole people sometimes cower for a season but they eventually fall away. Maybe they don’t leave the situation. Maybe they just go away emotionally. Maybe they begin to spend time alone not meeting our needs. Maybe they find someone who respects their opinion.

We can argue that the person who is experiencing the violence of the violation of free will, chose to give it up and I would say that is true. In counseling I often hear that they feel stuck because of a circumstance such as children who will be devastated by divorce, so they bide their time. Then there is the lack of work or experience where they can’t support themselves which often keeps them in this situation as well.

It can happen in the work place. There are those who feel threatened by their boss or their employee. The employee who continually threatens to quit, who calls in sick as a pattern on critical days. The boss who lords that there are plenty of people out of work over their employees. It isn’t right.

As Christians we are supposed to have no unwholesome talk come out of our mouth. When we think of unwholesome talk we think about cussing, gossip, but what about bullying? What about dragging about someone by a leash demanding our way? Isn’t that the tearing apart of a person of free will? Un-whole-some?

 

 

Year End Wrap Up

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This past year and a half I tasked myself with the goal of rediscovery. Through a wake up call, I took the hint and applied it. I took on no new projects, I had alone time as much as possible and I gave no explanations to anyone as I trekked through this season of health issues and heart issues alone with the Holy Spirit. I knew those who loved me would pray and not judge and those who didn’t wouldn’t understand and I had to be fine with the criticisms as it was my journey to take. I am peeking my head out and arising slowly back to my place in the life I have chosen with surrender. I am wiser, stronger, and realize that sometimes the Lord is doing a power shift where he is carefully orchestrating a new level. It doesn’t mean you are going anywhere necessarily, but it means there is a new focus or a refocus of things that were set aside for what you felt was a bigger issue but wasn’t where the Lord was taking you.

As this year unfolds I will share the journey and what it has taught me as I don’t believe lessons you learn are just for you. It would be selfish to think you’re the only person going through any issue.

My main focus as we end 2015 is don’t be afraid to be set aside for a season. Don’t be afraid of the No in life. Sometimes demanding your way and kicking in the door isn’t wise. Sometimes you have to trust and really mean the Thy Will Be Done part of your prayer. It’s not about people trying to hurt you or make you feel less than. It’s about a whole picture that only God sees. Wouldn’t it be great if we could see the whole picture but for now we catch a glimpse.

Was there pain? You bet! Was there hurt in the criticisms? Of course! Were there people whom you care about who resented you were not in place? Yes. The main question is did the Lord set you apart for this season? If so, then all the other stuff is washed away. Forgive those who chose to condemn. Forgive those who tried to kick your door in and force you into their agenda. It’s been a long season but inwardly productive. I am pleased with the progress and ready to go! I pray in whatever season you are in you can listen carefully. There is work to do in your community. There are people to reach for Jesus. Taking your ball and going home is not helpful but knowing what the Lord is calling you to do is. Praying for you always!

A Good Life Always Start With A Vision

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The family game we played last night sits left over on my dining room table this morning. Last night we laughed until we cried, we came up with a team name that shall not be repeated out of the circle of those who were there. I sit here and write this post on the day after Christmas as google reminded me with a ding on my calendar this morning. Those of you who know me know I write a vision statement each year. I make a list of things I want to accomplish personally and professionally. Then I write ideas for vacations, home improvements, a budget, a savings plan. Yes, I know it sounds too hard and it doesn’t sound like there is any adventure or spontaneity in it does it? Oh, but there is! Life takes twists and turns that you can never plan for, and some ideas need to be tweaked midway, and some ideas although great in December in June you can see aren’t going to cooperate. The point is to have a plan that can keep you on course even in the midst of chaos. It sounds complicated but it really is the key to freedom! Knowing exactly where you stand and how you can proceed in the current conditions takes a big worry off your mind. You don’t find yourself in a car lot, excited about a new car if the budget isn’t there because you have a plan in mind and on paper. Instead you may find yourself at the mechanic’s shop getting a quote on a transmission fix which is much cheaper in the long run.

So as you can see by the picture, I look back at 2015 and write down what went well and what didn’t work. I make determinations on whether I am going to try again or scrap the idea. I look at what projects aren’t quite finished and if my time was used effectively or is it just taking a little longer. Did I squander too much time or did I have just enough rest? What old habits never died? Where did I need more discipline. Where is this going in the New Year?

I used to brag that I started writing vision statements back in my 20’s and I would always accomplish my goals by October-ish. I used to pat my self on the back and say to myself, “Girl, you are just that good at getting things done.” However one day I heard a still small voice within me say, “You get your goals met each year because you don’t dream big enough. You play it safe.” OUCH! I felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to go deeper and to be more daring. You see, I thought I was just that good. Now I am older than my 20’s, much older, and I have learned to set up bigger dreams. I have learned to set dreams that will actually take 2-3 years to complete, like the two week trip we took to Hawaii that required us to save up rather than charge it. Or the one where my husband announced he wanted a Camaro in 2011 but it took us until 2014 to buy it because there were plans in motion that had to be completed first.

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So what is your dream for this next year? What are you planning to accomplish and what will take some time to fulfill? I pray you have been thinking about it and I hope you are working towards your destiny!

Take your time. Make it clear in your head and then advise your heart because honestly, if your heart isn’t in it, it won’t get done.

Integrated

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Integrated – Adjective – combining or coordinating separate elements so as to provide a harmonious, interrelated whole:
an integrated plot; an integrated course of study.
2.organized or structured so that constituent units function cooperatively:an integrated economy.
3.having, including, or serving members of different racial, religious, and ethnic groups as equals:

I was sitting with my Godmother who is 89 years old. She was born in a time of segregation and being a Latina I am acutely aware of these circumstances on some levels and acutely oblivious on other levels. Meaning my heart hurts at the stories but to say I have experienced this level of treatment in my lifetime would be a lie.

My Godmother told her story with quiet assuredness,

“My mother wanted us to attend Cecil Avenue School. It was the white school and some of us our parents sent us to that school for a better education. Back in those days it was much different than it is today. We were not allowed to eat in the cafeteria because we were Mexican. Instead we had to eat outside. In the rain, in the heat, whatever the weather was, but we were kids and we made the best of it. Huddled under trees we stuck together.”

I sit and listen to her story and wonder if this is the reason she became a school secretary? She certainly never hesitated to give a student a what for. “You’re here to get an education make yourself a better person. You’re here so that if you desire you can go to college. You have been given more opportunities than we ever had. Don’t waste them.”

This is why segregation in any form is abhorrent to me. This ideal that it’s us against them regardless of the excuses for the behavior is ignorant. Studies show integration pulls people up not down. So why do we so quickly abandon the notion of equality? Because it requires we set our mindsets and our idea of who they, whichever they we are prejudice about, are aside for the truth. The truth being that we are all more alike than we care to think. That regardless of where we came from we are now here, wherever here is for you, and therefore should be working together to make here better.

On my way to see my Godmother I listened a podcast on This American Life. I have posted the link at the end of this post and I would ask you to listen to it by clicking on it please. I cried because here we are still squawking about equality by being separatists. It’s no better in the church. We elevate the segregation to doctrinal issues to make it holy.

Yet, I have hope. I see millennials who are crossing lines, untethered by pants, raised hands, and a tone of a voice which makes it male or female, and instead making an effort to make the world a better place in the name of Jesus. While CNN and FOX scream about Jihadists 24/7 there is terrorism of a different kind going on, in our neighborhoods and in the church. Let’s make a difference where we can. I think Jesus would be pleased if we extended our hands regardless of the color of our skin.

Click Here for This American Life Podcast

What’s In A Name?

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from: http://www.lynnegolodner.com/author/lynneschreiber/
from: http://www.lynnegolodner.com/author/lynneschreiber/

When my daughter Casey sends a text I know instantly without reading it what my position is. You see when it’s business and information she starts the text out with, “Hi Mom” and proceeds with what is needed. When it’s encouragement or love that is needed she starts out the text with, “Mommy”. This week her note to me was positioned as Mommy and my posture was immediately that of refuge.

A name positions the posture you take in any given situation. You respond to the moment by the name you are called. The Lord has a name by which he responds to and it is in the posture that you have positioned Him in.

Relationship determines what name you use. My immediate family calls me Susie. No one else does and is corrected immediately because no one else has that familiarity with me. It’s a name from my childhood and reserved for those special people who were there in that time. My friends call me Susan, my given name, the one I use daily.

What is your relationship with The Lord and what do you call him? Are you like Casey who calls upon the name that is needed in the circumstance? Do you share that kind of intimacy with Him that he knows by the name you are using how he will respond to your request? My hope is that you do. It takes time to develop the relationship to get to the place where intimacy happens. There are so many characteristics of God and to call upon him in those times of need with that assuredness that he will answer brings a peace to your soul that is unimaginable.

I come running to my daughter when she calls out to her mommy. Yes, she is almost 30 years old but it invokes in me a concern and a privilege that only I hold and that I can’t describe. It invokes in my heart a necessity that can’t be filled by anyone else. How much more does Our Father come running when we call upon him in the familiar? When He is our One and Only in that given moment is when the intimacy happens, when the questions are answered, when the advice is given. Let us draw near to Him. It’s never too late to start.

This Heart Of Mine

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Free people.

Free people.

Free people.

I don’t get to control how free people behave. I don’t get to control how free people respond. I don’t get to judge whether their response is reasonable or not. I don’t live in their head. I live in mine. They get to tell their truth. I get to tell my truth. We don’t always have to agree. We don’t always have to walk together. The response we have to free people shows our heart. It also shows our respect for others and ourselves.

That being said, it doesn’t give someone the right to trample on you. I’ve seen some pretty crazy relationships in the name of respect. Different doesn’t mean it’s good. In fact, it could be bad only you get to line it up with the word of God and decide. Where the line is drawn however is when we march off backbiting because the person didn’t agree with us or didn’t allow us to emotionally hijack them. Taking our ball and going home mad is fine when we’re 12, but it’s immature at 20, and looks ridiculous at 40.

Will we decide to keep score or will we forgive? One looks like flesh and one looks like Jesus. Our choice. Our account.

 

 

A Season Ahead

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Those of you who follow this blog must have thought I had fallen away during the move to our new home. It is almost complete. July and August just ran together and by September there was a little headway. I’ve missed writing, there are so many things swirling around in my brain that are wanting to come out but I will tackle it, as I have learned to tackle many things these days, in bite sized pieces.

As believers we’re called to mentor. That seems like a daunting task. You may ask yourself what do I know about mentoring or about anything in general? Well, although you might not be an expert on most things, the question to ask is:

Am I a season ahead?

In other words, do I have something to teach the person who is asking me? Am I  a little bit ahead on this topic and could my knowledge benefit this person? Am I teachable? Do I have a mentor to go to if I get stuck? No one does mentorship alone. We all have those a season ahead to help us.

Most leaders don’t mind sharing what they know with you as long as you don’t abuse their time. True leaders are happy to meet with you and tell you what they know. What a leader won’t do is waste their time or allow their time to be abused.

If I want to know what a leader knows, I will invite them to lunch or ask for an appointment. I will go to them for advice and counsel on a topic then I’m going to begin to apply the knowledge they gave to my life to get ahead. If they give me a book to read, then I’m going to read it. If they give me counsel on an area of my life that I need to improve to get to that next level then I’m going to do it. Why would I do anything else?

It’s the same when you begin to mentor others. You mentor those who are following you. Many will come to you with pretty or flattering words and thank you but won’t move off of the couch to get ahead. Some will blame you when you didn’t pursue them only that isn’t mentoring, that’s parenting, or something like that. They failed to realize that many are leaning on you and that you don’t have time to chase someone down who says they want to be mentored. Teachers stand before a class of students and teach those who showed up.

Next  make sure you study and make sure you are learning.  Be patient. Not everyone who comes to you is ready to learn and it’s fine, just pray that they find that person who will be a blessing to them. Don’t beat your head on the wall over someone who isn’t ready.

Teach, with all of your heart. Teach them about love and the pursuit of this destiny that lasts eternally. Teach them practically and teach them well and teach them that we’re all just human and need grace. Mark them with the banner of Jesus and then go home knowing your job is done for the day and get out the bible and read it for yourself.

Plenty are the worries of the day but for you, you are a student and a teacher and you will be comforted. Do your best and then rest well in the knowledge that you helped those who wanted your help with your best effort and you have put your best effort forward to learn as much as you can.