A woman emailed me, who is shacking up with her boyfriend. She just found out he was dating someone else. She was telling me what a jerk he was and asking what should she do?
It’s complicated isn’t it? Even though she lives with him she isn’t his wife, so he isn’t officially breaking any sacred vows, although his word should be one. He hasn’t promised forever, he has just said for now. His word is his bond but these are their days of trying things out this is dating with benefits. There are no legal or spiritual vows here. In fact, there are explicit non-vows. We promise to be together while it feels good. Apparently this doesn’t feel good to him anymore.
The answer didn’t sit well with me or my email friend. I don’t like it, but dating is a time to see if you are compatible with that person or not. I hate that humans are used in this way. This idea that relationships work this way is wrong thinking. She is dating a man, while trying to play house, and it isn’t working. In fact, she will have more of a chance of divorce because she lived with him first by sheer statistics. Marriage and living together although they look the same, aren’t.
Case in point. When I married Doug we lived hell on earth for the first years of our marriage. We loved each other but we were so opposite, losing my identity in the marketplace was excruciating, his illness played a part, step-parenting was awful, the demands going on in our lives at the time was tearing me up, and him as well. Trust and believe me when I tell you, that had it not been for my vows, I would have left and I believe that he would have too. Thank God for wisdom, counseling, fasting and prayer, and the ability to be two sane people who had a lot of talking out to do, and we did it, and we still do it. We honored our vows to each other and meant it when we said for better or worse. I am thankful every single day that our character was one of sticking it out for it truly is a blessed marriage with a lot of love these days. Not perfect, but wonderful if that makes sense.
Love is never careless with another human being, nor is it enough to sustain a relationship on its own. Character, strong communication skills, the ability to commit fully, and the common ground on which one stands plays a part in a marriage making it. It is hard enough to tough it out when problems come into a marriage, and they always do, without those critical things in place. Without true commitment, it is precarious and leaves wounded souls who will never be the same again. God doesn’t make rules and set up boundaries because he’s judgmental and mean. He sets up boundaries because he wants to guard our heart.
The Holy Spirit was ministering in my worship today. As I was praying, I received a word from the Lord. He began to speak to me about how we often profess that nothing is impossible with God but that word spoken by our own lips, never reaches our heart. In our heart we doubt. We think that there are some things in life that are impossible and so we begin to consider our Lord as the God of the probable.
We place him a box, in our mind, of what we as humans deem possible and impossible, just due to our life experiences. We wonder if the things we hear and see are truly miracles or just good luck? In our most spiritual time we see the wonders of God’s creation yet in our daily life we take it all for granted. We vacillate between one opinion and another never knowing what quite to do with our God. Yet, when we take God out of the box, and we let him do his thing, we experience adventure in huge measure. Not comfort necessarily but adventure!
I am seeing intently the 100 years that Abraham walked with the Lord and the things he saw in those 100 years. While he never saw the completed promise on this earth, still he never wavered in his faith of impossibilities being possible.
Hebrews11:6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. 7 By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith. 8 By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. 9 By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 By faith Abraham, even though he was past age–and Sarah herself was barren–was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. 12 And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore. 13 All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.
Wow! To walk with the Lord 100 years is a feat in and of itself. The fact that he never turned his back on the Lord, though he wasn’t perfect, he was obedient. To never have said the words that so carelessly have fallen from my lips in my lapses of faith, “Lord where are you and did you really mean this?” To live in tents for the remainder of my days on earth as Abraham did, never knowing if this stop would be my last or one of many seems hard for me. My husband is fond of saying, “The King can do no wrong”. Meaning that whatever God chooses is the right thing whether we like it or not.
Only wait a second, this is the life we lead when led by Christ is it not? Our flesh is a mere tent, lest you think you are really getting a mansion in heaven, another blog for another day. We are aliens and sojourners aren’t we? We don’t really LIVE in our house and our life here on earth.
Oh, if that were true. Most days I do find the life I lead is probably more like Lot, setting my tent near the city, liking a little too much the way luxury feels on my skin. Trying to be righteous and failing miserably and trying again the next day. Maybe it’s not that God can really do all things, maybe it’s that I stand in the way, therefore making things probable. Maybe when I set out to try to fix things in my own power I cancel out the possibilities of God.
This is why being child-like is so important. Jesus said:
Matthew 18:3 And he said: “I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.
When I was a child, I thought I could fly by merely tying a towel to my back. I wanted so desperately to be Wonder Woman. You can probably see the remnants of that little girl in me today as well. It was that faith in the impossible that made things possible. It’s not that God will probably do it, maybe. It’s that I have to believe that the impossible is possible. I have to know that I can soar. I can’t be worried about what people will say. When I see Noah building an arc when it hadn’t rained I get encouraged. When I see Abraham taking his son to be sacrificed, never having seen a resurrection I get encouraged. I begin to believe that all things are possible. When I see a man at the altar weeping because the doctor has told him that cancer has eaten his body and that he needs to go home and prepare to die, and two months later he has no cancer whatsoever, true story, I get beyond encouraged.
So if you see me with a towel wrapped around my neck, don’t think I’ve gone crazy. Maybe I am just believing that I don’t serve a probable God but I serve a possible God and maybe I’m feeling like Wonder Woman.
For me, the ten commandments are just simple human decency. I had to laugh when I saw this version though! My husband read it out loud to me complete with the drawl that makes me smile.
Ten Commandments
Some people have trouble with all those ‘shall’s’ and ‘shall not’s’ in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated the ‘King James’ into ‘ Jackson County ‘ language…..no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro , Tennessee ). This also goes for the folks from Lee County, Virginia.
(1) Just one God
(2) Put nothin’ before God
(3) Watch yer mouth
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
(6) No killin’
(7) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal
(8) Don’t take what ain’t yers
(9) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’
(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff
Now that’s plain an’ simple. Y’all have a nice day now! Ye hear!
On 4 occassions I tried getting a promotion but what happens thereafter buffles me. After the oral interviews the potential employer will call all my references. Normally if your references are called u know that u were the best and preferred candidate. On all those occasions instead of getting an appointment/offer letter I’ll be told that either filing of the position is put on hold or there are no funds.
I am a christiaan and belief in God. Will consulting a spiritual advicer assist in understanding were my iniquities in the Lord could?
Thank you Pastor Susan and my the Almighty give you wisdom and understanding into this matter, in Jesus name. Amen
Thanks for writing in! I believe there are some misconceptions, that some in the body of Christ have, that God is punishing us for our sins by withholding blessings. I don’t believe that. I believe that sin carries with it a natural consequence. Have you considered that this is the mercy of God which keeps you from these positions? Perhaps they aren’t for you right now? I believe that some doors are closed for our benefit. In fact, if our prayer each day is for the Lord to guide and direct our path (thy will be done), then if the answer is a no, it’s because it is not his will, and if the answer is a yes, it’s because it is his will. Have you considered that God has you exactly where he wants you? Has the Lord been asking you to gain more knowledge in an area of your career? Has he nudged you to pursue more education?
God is not mad at you nor does he ever reject you. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Make God your priority: Matthew 6:33 Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met.
This was the scene at my stylist’s as I was getting my hair done. It went like this:
A girl and her mom walked into the salon. My stylist says to the young girl:
Stylist: Hi! You didn’t go to school today?
Girl: (smiles) Nope! I’m getting my piercing today.
Stylist: So your dad said yes?
Girl: ummmm
Mom: No, she didn’t ask him because she knows that he is going to say no.
Girl: So, yeah we’re not going to tell him.
Mom: (looking nervous) Yeah, when he finds out he is going to be mad. He doesn’t believe in this. There will be hell to pay for this.
Girl: (rolls her eyes) So? I know people who have two piercings.
Mom: (laughs nervously and shrugs)
Clearly we see a mom who is not in control of her daughter and who has serious anger issues towards her husband. Sadly, they acted like two teenagers against the establishment. You have to see what the long term effects of this is. The daughter learns that men’s opinions don’t matter and that you do what you want to do behind your husband’s back. A mother is teaching her daughter how to dishonor her husband and her father.
The wife clearly has no backbone and no idea what it means to help lead a house and family successfully. Fathers matter, they hold their family in safety. Whether society tells us that they matter or they don’t, fathers really matter. I don’t remember a single time when my mom went against my father over his opinion when it came to his children.
This scenario was nothing new. I see it al the time and always with bad results. I have never seen a woman, who keeps secrets from her husband regarding their children, end up in a place of honor with honorable children. The reason is because it’s the abdication of leadership. Where there is no leadership, the chaos runs wild. There should be a healthy respect of parents and a desire to please them. When a woman undermines a father by keeping secrets she most often ends up with results she could not have foreseen especially in her daughter. A daughter looks for significance and value from her father. When she finds out her father is worthless in the home and not worthy of her mother’s honor, then she looks to other men to fulfill that value within her. A mother who keeps secrets from her husband does her daughter a disservice.
Likewise, when the shoe is on the other foot, and a father keeps secrets from a mother, the daughter looks suspiciously at men. Men lie, men don’t tell the truth, men keep secrets, men don’t care what women think, is the message she gets. The abdication of leadership has long-term effects.
When I goofed up as a child my first response was, “My parents are going to be so mad.” I knew I had disappointed them with my actions. This girl at the salon had none of that towards her parents. Her mother clearly wasn’t strong enough to stand up to her daughter and this will have bad consequences to it.
What I see today is the clear abdication of leadership in parenting. I see that no one wants to be the bad guy. Parents just want to be liked. Parents fear rejection and we are definitely afraid of losing our children. We’re afraid they’ll run away. Where are they going to go where there is a warm bed, and three square meals a day and run of the house? I don’t think my grandparents ever feared their kids leaving home before it was time. I hear parents say, “You don’t want to push them away.” Some of those parents have kids who are doing things they shouldn’t be doing. These kids don’t love their parents more, they surely don’t respect their parents more, and these kids are looking for boundaries somewhere.
Our kids depend on us to be leaders, our kids are not equipped for leadership and we certainly aren’t doing them any favors, nor are we teaching them how to lead productive, united lives with the family they will one day form. Although, they don’t act as if they want leadership, they thank parents later for their leadership.
I know a young woman with three kids who each have a different father. She lives at home and was never married. Now that she is older she blames her parents for never saying no to her. Her parents say now, that they didn’t like the guys she dated but when it counted, they didn’t put their foot down. Now it’s too late for the whole family. Is it the parent’s fault ultimately? Not entirely no, but they share responsibility. The things they allowed in their home, is a direct result of the fruit they all now have to bear.
This deal about, well if I as the parent don’t let them, then they’ll sneak and do it anyway doesn’t hold water. It clearly doesn’t allow you to abdicate your responsibility. When the child respects you and understands your rules and the consequences it may not stop the behavior but it helps. And if they go off and do it anyway? Then your account will be clear before God that you did your parenting to the best of your ability and that you were stood your ground morally and ethically. Then who could blame you?
Walking into the mortuary for my godfather’s funeral, the place is filling quickly. My mom is number 10 of 12 kids so I have cousins everywhere in this room. I have cousin’s spouses everywhere and their grown children and their spouses. I have aunts and uncles and their cousins and so forth. It’s great to have such a great family.
We love each other and come together for times like this. There was a time when we were all small children and family get-togethers were quite common. The more we grew and moved and spread out the less frequent they become. We all hug, we all cry, we all laugh together.
My cousin Celia explains to my husband, “you have to understand, we were like this growing up”, as she sticks her fingers together, “and no matter how long it is between our visits we have always been like this”. It’s true. We were raised like one big family. It was not a big deal to be scolded or loved by any of my mom’s siblings. As Anthony, my son, walks into the room, I see the pattern repeating, I see Celia’s eyes light up as if she’s seeing her son, and she runs and hugs him, “You look good! I’m glad you’re here. Introduce me to your girlfriend, is she the ONE?” Anthony is enveloped in love as everyone comes to greet him and love on him and Frances.
My cousin Danny, who is a year older than I am, explains that he is my favorite cousin to which Celia says matter-of-factly, “No you aren’t our favorite”, and I reply “in fact, you were more like the cousin we never wanted because you were a boy and we all know that you have cooties”. It was an on-going argument of those of us in that age range because we were made to play together as children and the boys were always such a pain except when we needed them to build something for us.
Why is it that we only get together for major events? I have such a great family yet we are so busy that we rarely take the time out of our lives to call each other. Yet in happy times and times of deep sadness family is so important. I pray you take a few minutes today to call one of your loved ones just because!
This is an ongoing series on stepparenting. To read the previous entry click here.
Lady Tremaine suddenly finds herself misunderstood and the magnifying glass is on her. Why is there no peace in her home? Why is she always disapproving? Why can’t we all just get along? Why does she take the blame for everything?
The children on both sides of the coin are vying for control. One child told his stepmother, “Every time I hum a song using da, like ‘da da da dadum dum’ it really means I’m praying for my dad to ‘da-vorce’ you.” So each time they got in the car to go somewhere as a family, the child would sit behind her in the car and as the music would play on the car stereo, the child would kick her seat and hum along using the “da”. By the time they reached their destination she would be furious and the child would be in control and loving it. Her husband simply didn’t believe her because the child was only 8 years old, at the time, and it seemed too manipulative a move for a child this age.
Stepmothers need to take an honest assessment of the situation they are in. If the home is becoming hostile and she is getting resentful and feeling like an outsider, she must back off and take a hands off approach to the children. She can’t step into a stepmother role, rather she must be seen as a mentor. This is not easy because our idea of a family is a mother and father. Only we have to remember that these children have a mother and father, for the most part, and they haven’t asked for another.
If a battle is ensuing in your home you must step back. The house will become unbalanced. There is no way around this. It means the things you need to have done will more than likely not get done. If your rule is to bring your own dirty clothes down to the laundry room on Wednesday for wash day, you can bet that the children will forget or ignore. It’s not personal. It doesn’t add to your chores either. You will simply have less clothes to wash that day. On Friday when everyone is looking to you to provide the clean School Spirit Shirt, you’ll simply say, “I washed all the clothes that were brought to me on Wednesday”. If dishes weren’t done the night before, well then tonight you won’t be able to cook dinner. Don’t worry, cereal for dinner has never killed a family. The key here is to give the person with the responsibility the ultimate authority while saving your sanity.
One stepmother would get up each morning to get her stepchildren off to school. Because they had ignored bedtimes the night before, there was always a battle. She’d think to herself how she was ignored the night before and now she was paying for something she hadn’t done. By the time she dropped them off at the bus stop, she was angry, kids were angry, and everyone was miserable. One harried morning she was rushing kids to get up and get moving while getting herself ready for work. Then, one of the kids threw up. Not having the time to figure it out and get the other one to the bus stop, she told the sick child to go back and lie down and she would be right back. She loaded up the other child and ran them to the bus stop. When she came home the sick child wasn’t home. She was frantic and called her husband. They both went looking for the child and when they found him wandering the streets, he began to cry to his father saying that he had thrown up and his evil stepmother had grounded him for life and told him to go to his room and never come out. The father was enraged and asked how she could be so heartless? It had never happened but it didn’t matter, she must have had a tone or a look or something. She had a choice, fight, flight, or take a step back. Guess what? This stepmother took a step back. She removed herself from the responsibility of getting children ready for school. Do you want to know the result? The children’s father was frustrated in no time, yelling, rushing out the door and the bedtime rules which seemed harsh before, became law. When her husband would come to complain about how hard it was, she would pat him on the arm and say, “I’m sorry you are going through this. Parenting is hard work.”
This was an email I received from QBQ. It was written by John G Miller and I must say his book Question Behind The Question is an excellent and must read for everyone on the planet. This was taken from his book Outstanding!
A season all about Family, Faith, and Friends. For many, it’s also a time of Food, Football, Festivities, Fun—and Freedom. Not just the blessing of living in a “free country,” but also maybe—just maybe—a little less tied to our jobs and a little more sleeping, puttering, and simply doing nothing on some days! Sounds great, doesn’t it?
But how about these words? Frenetic—a crazy, stress-filled pace. Finances—jubilant joy leads to dangerous debt. Frustration—things don’t quite go the way we planned. Fear—of being alone, left out. Fatigue—we simply do too much and return in January needing the month just to recover!
The reality is this: The holidays, for lots of people, just aren’t what they’re cracked up to be. Though we want them to stand out—that is, to be outstanding—they often fall short of our expectations. But, with some work, some discipline, and some adherence to fundamental ideas and principles, we can each experience an exceptional season.
By extracting concepts from the book Outstanding!—yes, written for the world of corporations, nonprofits, government entities, churches and schools—and applying them to this time of year, we can make the best of the holidays. And since most holiday celebrations involve families—which are organizations—let’s utilize the essences of nine of the 47 Outstanding! chapters to create a stellar season!
Choose to Change: Holiday traditions are great, but remember: Any strength taken to an extreme becomes a weakness. Outstanding families, like outstanding organizations, are willing to set aside “the way we’ve always done things” now and then. Keeping the end goals of joy, fun, and celebration in mind, we might need do things differently. Never forget: Blessed are the flexible, for they cause others to not get bent out of shape!
Keep the Mission Top of Mind: If you believe the “reason for the season” is faith (worshiping God and being thankful) and/or family (traditions and coming together) then don’t forget the “Why” behind the activities. Let purpose come before tasks, otherwise, the tasks can overwhelm the mission—and what’s the sense in that?
Get Actions In Line With Values: If we espouse values like love, caring, and acceptance, let’s ensure that our behaviors support those ideas. Integrity—actions in line with stated values—is a rare commodity in our world, so let’s allow that light to shine at home. Example: If we embrace the word “humility,” let’s avoid boasting, bragging, and topping each other in our interactions. Another: If I say I believe in relaxing and resting, then draw a few boundaries and say NO! if you really want to. It’s okay to not participate in some activities this time of year.
Fight the Fat: And we’re not talking about calories here! As Dave Ramsey says, when it comes to finances, “Bother to bother.” In other words, decide to stay on top of and in control of the dollars. By cutting up the plastic money and living within our means, we’ll experience a far more joyous … January!
Forgive Mistakes: What could be a more perfect way to achieve outstanding holidays than to let some stuff slide? Humans sometimes do say the wrong thing, make mistakes, exercise poor judgment, drop the ball, and forget to act. When these things happen, it’s an amazing opportunity to choose forgiveness. Practice the words, “No big deal. Let’s forget it.”
Let Every Player Count: A little lifting up of each person is a good thing. Careful that one individual’s needs and agenda don’t “rule the roost.” Let’s do our best to help each person—from 2 to 92—feel special. It’s a time to honor everyone on the team!
Speak Well: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1) So true! As the tension and stress build, make sure that the way we talk to others—both our words and tone—is encouraging, loving, and supportive.
Listen In All Directions: In Outstanding! we write about listening in three ways: Management listening to the people, the people listening to each other, and everyone listening to the customer. My favorite part is where we take “multi-tasking” to task as a very bad habit. During these precious days, let’s set the iPods, laptops, and PDAs aside—cease the Tweeting, status updating, and surfing—and look each other in the eye, saying, “Go ahead, you are the most important person in my world at this moment and I want to hear every word you have to say.”
Someone Needs to Be the Boss: Lastly, parents, I beseech you—please parent! Family gatherings are hurt when the wrong people are in charge: the children. Let’s hold our kids to a new (yet old fashioned) level of respect, manners, and courtesy. The truth is, it’s not all about the children—and sometimes they need to know that. If your young child needs a really long “time out,” then take action. Don’t be afraid to let him or her know that—surprise, surprise!—you are the boss.
So there they are: Nine ways to have an outstanding holiday season. Share this with others—apply them yourself—and see what a difference they can make. And then come back in 2011 ready to make our organizations outstanding, too!
I am grateful for the scene I saw yesterday in the store. Loved it actually! I was wheeling my cart out the door after the check-out. It was a madhouse at the store. A little boy about 7ish, was walking with a bag of groceries and his father, who was this boy’s older twin by the way, grabs him by the hood of his coat and says, “Son, wait.” The boy asks why and begins looking at me. The father says, “Men always let women go out ahead of them. If the door isn’t automatic, they open it.” The boy goes, “Why?” I smiled at the dad and said “Thank you”. I am sure the conversation continued. I am grateful that there are still men who are teaching their boys manners. It makes me smile!
I am grateful for Pastor Juan Hernandez’ family because his grandchildren are singing praises to their God and a legacy continues.
I am grateful for this scripture because I can make myself at home in His presence and that is the greatest gift I’ve been given and the thing that blesses me so!
Psalm 100:1 On your feet now – applaud God! 2 Bring a gift of laughter, sing yourselves into his presence. 3 Know this: God is God, and God, God. He made us; we didn’t make him. We’re his people, his well-tended sheep. 4 Enter with the password: “Thank you!” Make yourselves at home, talking praise. Thank him. Worship him. 5 For God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever.
I was reminded of a time several years back. Casey, my daughter was in youth group and the leader was talking to them about their parents. Casey said, enthusiastically, it was told to me, “I don’t just have a good mom, I have a great mom.” She was 16, at the time and I had worked hard with my kids to have a good relationship with them. I was never Casey’s or Ant’s friend but I was a parent who worked really hard at establishing a good communication with them. When the leader told me what she had said, I was thrilled that she thought so.
What had elevated me from good to great in those days? I think it was just that I loved her and we had a close relationship. She was my partner to shop and to go to plays with. I held her to a standard and she respected me for it and I respected her for trying her best. I miss her desperately some days, because she’s all grown up and off on her own. She doesn’t need her mom anymore as she once did. Now, I get calls about how to make certain food or what do I think about something. Now when we are together, it’s all I can do when I am with her not to just squeeze her and love her up. I know better than to do that because I’d embarrass her more than I already do.
So it is with our Lord. When we first learn about him and begin our relationship with him, he’s so good. Jesus even gives us the criteria for being the good shepherd:
John 10:11. “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.
When we first discover that Jesus loves so completely, it makes something stir in us. It makes us feel whole again. It makes us feel understood and a part of something so much bigger than ourselves.
As we progress along with our relationship with him and we discover all that He is in our life he is so much more than good. He overwhelms us with his love. We can’t quite comprehend how he is able to see our flaws and our hang-ups and yet still love us so deeply. When we find that he never ceases to teach us and guide us, we discover that he is great!
Hebrews 13:20 May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, 21 equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Pastor Susan 
