So in my line of work these questions come up all the time. The judgments we are called to make or not make are sometimes very tough on these hearts of ours. Sometimes they speak more about us then they do about the people we serve. I’ll let you read what I am talking about for yourself on Stuff Christians Like. Click here.
I love military life. I love the protocol and I love the well-executed plan. It fits my personality to have order. In the military and in boardrooms across the world there is a meeting where everyone is given a task and expected to fulfill it. There is a meeting of the mind where everyone and everything is clear. A general never goes to battle with soldiers who don’t know what they are going to do because he expects to win. To do so would be foolish. It makes it easy when the couple is on the same page. Often though we hear a couple say, “He/She should know what we are working towards.” Without a meeting of the minds in which both people come together to set the mission, there is no mission, only chaos. We can’t assume anything. A mission must be clearly defined.
Just tell a woman that you want to go to Fiji next summer and that it’s going to take $10k to go. I guarantee you she will clip coupons and wear ‘that ‘ol thing’ in the closet to get the money to go. Tell her you want to save an extra couple of grand for her new wardrobe and she’ll make it happen. Most women are not evil or scattered. They are willing and able to help a mission to get on its way. If she didn’t love the man or didn’t care about their family, she’d go shopping but most often she want to please him and he clearly set the mission and she is going to follow it.
What if I don’t agree with the mission? I mean, this one is an easy one to submit to because I get something right? That happens sometimes when we don’t agree we don’t want to submit to the plan. The time to speak is in the initial meeting. I would voice my opinion and why I don’t think it’s going to work. You can’t whine, you don’t get emotional, you just practically stated your views and back them up with fact. Sometimes your appeal works and sometimes it doesn’t but let’s face it, this is when the rubber meets the road. Submission isn’t submission until you disagree.
So you have to ask yourself two important questions. Does my agreeing to submit to this plan violate my relationship with God? Does my agreeing to submit violate my belief system? If the answer is yes, then you can’t submit period. You can’t override your convictions without losing a part of yourself. BUT HERE IS THE GREAT PART! Your man, the one who vowed to love you forever, would never ask you violate these areas of your heart because the bible is very clear that we submit one to another. God really had the idea that we’d work together for the good of the whole and not for the good of the one. That means that I don’t pull the conviction card out for just anything. I really have to be honest and search my heart. Let me just say here that if you are really honest most things don’t fall into this category. Just because you don’t want to do it, does not excuse you.
There is nothing sadder, and I mean this nothing sadder, than a woman without a mission. She will use her energy for what she thinks needs to be done and we don’t need to ask Eve the outcome of that story. There is nothing more dangerous than a marriage without a mission. It may limp along but it will never be what God designed it to be. A marriage without a mission doesn’t have unity, peace and ultimately the blessing of God. If you find yourself in a marriage without a mission it’s time for a meeting. It’s time for a God-seeking moment. Simply ask the question, what are we working for and how are we going to get there? God will bring the answer. Then work the plan.
Submission seems to be an ugly word for women. The bible says if we are married we are supposed to be in submission to our husbands. I think the word gets a bad wrap because we don’t know or understand what it means and because sometimes men throw it up to us in an ugly way. Today I want to break down the word and make sense of it and show you that it doesn’t have to be bad when all the pieces of the puzzle are in place when it comes to this word.
First off, we have to break the word apart.
Sub- is being used as a prefix for under, below or beneath. Let me just say here that is does NOT mean less than. We need to open up our hearts to read this carefully without shutting down.
Mission- is a task that clearly spells out what we are doing; how we are doing it and the reason we are doing it.
The bible says that a woman was designed as a help-meet. This is not a bad thing and it’s in our nature to be helpful and we are great at making things happen. I think of it, as we are the supports to a bridge. The supports are what hold everything up. It in no way lessens the importance in fact, in increases it. Without the support the whole thing falls flat. A bridge without a support is useless. Again, not saying men are useless just that when we are joined as one in marriage the pieces have to fit together in order to function.
Ever see a woman missing from the scene? I remember when I married Pastor Doug, he lived on skittles and slim-fast and his kids would stay up till 2 or 3 am bleary-eyed watching TV then have stomach aches and were missing tons of school. They were missing a support system. Ever see a man taking care of the kids after his wife has been at a conference? The kids are asking every half hour, “When’s mom coming home?” and dad is wishing mom would hurry up. It’s not a bad thing to be a support. It’s necessary.
The problem is that most men do not have clearly defined missions. So the problem lies not in the fact that women don’t know how to submit. We submit very well thank you very much. We submit when we know the mission. We submit when we know our role. Submission is not an ugly word. It’s a beneficial word. What is the mission of your home? Men, if you don’t know then you can expect for your woman to do something that may not be the plan. A support, supports something even if it’s the wrong thing. There is the problem in a nutshell. Just as Adam assumed Eve knew the mission most men today also assume women know the mission. But Adam was so wrong.
I ran across this blog and thought it was informative and very insightful. It speaks to how we identify women and men based on facial expressions. Through a study of androgynous faces, people were more likely to pick out a happy face as female and a angry face as male. I think it may give us insight to our working and social environments. Click here to read the article.
I heard Dr. Laura say on her radio program that sadness was not a disease. I answered back, out loud in my car, with a big AMEN! I so agree with this statement. Why is it that we mask uncomfortable emotion and don’t want to feel it?
I remember when my husband died and the very first thing my doctor wanted to do, and I am mean within a few days of his death, was put me on anti-depressants and give me sleeping pills. Do you know that 25 sleeping pills have lasted me 6 years? I only took them when I absolutely could not sleep a bit. The anti-depressants I didn’t agree to and so I have never been prescribed them. I don’t believe it’s bad to take them, and I think some people have serious issues with depression and need them, but I don’t believe that everyone needs them. The death of a loved one is hard time in your life. I don’t think anyone has a question about it but whether you drug yourself to numb the pain, or work like a madwoman (as I did) to numb the pain or drink or sleep or over-eat, whatever it is that you do in times of deep sadness, you will eventually have to work through that sadness if you are going to move forward.
I guess don’t understand the avoidance of sadness. Actually, I know we’d all like to never feel sad but sadness is a part of life. It means we are human, it means we care, it means we are really living out our lives. It tells a story that not everything is happily ever after. There are great moments of joy in our lives and deep moments of sadness and to not have those is to not have lived well. It all ends well though, that’s a God promise! Ask yourself a question though, how would I know great joy if I never experienced deep sadness?
Sadness seems to be one emotion we want to avoid. I know that, and I understand that, but it’s not reality. See, everything I know about anti-depressants is that unless you on them forever, eventually you have to still go through the pain. You still have to work through your feelings and you still will need to come out on the other side. You have the right and the obligation to live a life fulfilled. A fulfilled life doesn’t mean it’s all happy, it means it’s all ended well.
Oh, I guess you could wallow in your misery forever. Some people do, they become a victim to their circumstances and they allow it to consume their lives. For some life is never going to be right again. They wear their injury as a badge and you can’t get through a 20 minute conversation with them before their tragedy spills out. You are left trying to run from the conversation because it’s so depressing and you realize this person can’t quit living in the past. But you have to understand that it does not have to be your reality ever. Yes, events happen and are going to happen. Yes, there are going to be sad times and we need to acknowledge them but don’t build your home on events. Build your home on the solid ground of life well-lived, knowing that He who gave life will sustain it through it all. Let each room in your home tell a story that is as diverse and interesting as God designed you to be.
Intimacy is not sex. We often confuse the two but sex the way the world handles it is not intimacy. My intimacy with God is that I can tell him anything and he hears me with an open heart. He may not agree with what I am saying but he hears me. On the flip side, I can trust him to tell me anything and he can trust me to listen. See, it’s watching out for each other in a deeper more profound way then just your normal friendship. God and I are more than friends.
The man who you seek should never be one with whom you can’t tell your deepest secrets to. He shouldn’t be the one who you withhold from. I know often that is the case we don’t want to be seen in a bad light so we project a false image but eventually one of you takes a good hard look around and sees that it’s not what it seems. We need to be able to do better than that.
I love Pastor Doug with all of my heart. I would do a lot of things for him but I don’t want to be in love with an image. I have to say that when we married each other we made the grave mistake of not taking the time to get to know each other better and so we each had our image of the other. Neither one of us has lived up to the other’s image in some areas and exceeded our image in others. It has been a process of unlearning what we thought we knew about each other and learning to love what we know about each other. Some things were great disappointments to each other and some brought great relief and joy. It’s the price we paid for the compromise. This is why I caution you so strongly not to compromise on waiting to get married until you know for sure who the person is and that takes time, a couple of years. It’s too hard to go back and undo what you’ve done and so often I hear the horror stories. Most times at these moments of realizations they become deal breakers and divorce and break ups are the logical next step. When there is a problem in our marriage we dig deep to resolve it. We look to each other and we look to our faith. We are committed to seeing it through and we trust each other. See, that’s when the intimacy comes in. The things we’ve built so far and the things we honestly know about each other have to kick in at this point. Love is not enough to see you through these times. Love is an emotion, intimacy is a tangible thing that you can hang on to because you know it. This is when commitment either locks in or fails.
Sex doesn’t undo all of this rather it’s a quick fix that doesn’t stick. The reality is, you talk and hang out together a whole lot more hours than you are in bed together in any relationship. Erwin McMannus said something profound. He said that you have sex while dating when you run out of things to talk about. In other words, sex actually retards the growth pattern of your relationship when it happens before true intimacy develops. The thing you wanted most is the thing you just pushed away. Don’t confuse sex and intimacy they are not the same at all. I can’t stress that enough.
Make sure that the man whom you call your very own is your intimate partner. One who is trustworthy, who cares for your heart as best he can and who is honestly seeking out the real you while showing you who he really his. Don’t get caught in the trap of, ‘I’ll be who you want me to be’. So often I see women who wrap their whole personality around who he needs her to be or vice versa. This is so fake and so short term. You are who you are. Deal with it. Then seek out the one who loves the true you. You’ll be content then.
I think this sums my thoughts up on the subject today!
“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die”
God knows me. The bible says God knows my innermost being. Think about that for a moment and let it sink in. There is nothing that is hidden from him. I am a clear picture to him.
Since that is a fact, when prayers go up to him about me from others, he knows how to discern the truth from the lie. Remember this; a lie can never stand against the truth. Because he knows me, his opinion of me doesn’t sway by words, they sway by action.
When looking for that man who is going to share your life make sure he knows who you are. This means that you can’t pretend you are someone you aren’t. This means you have to be authentic and not a woman who flips from opinion to opinion for the only way your man truly knows you is if you are balanced and authentic. Not synthetic in your attitude and appearance. This takes time. The two of you must get to know each other well! You can’t have a solid opinion about what you think you know. You gotta know you know. This means his friends can’t tell him who you are, it means his mom can’t tell him who you are, it means he has to find out for himself who you are. He has to know you so well that he knows your motivation for why you do what you do.
Take your time and build a relationship. Don’t rush, just take is slow and steady. I can pretend to be anyone for a season. But eventually the real me pops out. It’s in that moment of seeing the real you that the opinion is formed. No one can influence God’s opinion of me because he knows why I do what I do. The man in your life should also know, without doubt, who you are.
Synthetic: not natural or genuine; artificial or contrived:
We’ve all seen the American Idol try-outs and all of the other reality shows like America’s Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance etc… We’ve seen some great talent and we’ve some people that leave you wondering, “What were they thinking?”
The ones that crack me up are the ones where their parents yell at the judges for being idiots because they didn’t acknowledge their child’s talent. I know we all think our kids are wonderful. We all think our kids are the best looking and best at everything but it simply isn’t reality is it? There are talents your child has that mine never will. That has to be okay with me. My children can’t be great at everything. Giving them a false sense of who they are doesn’t help them either. We set them up to fail. We over-inflate their egos and then when real life hits they can’t cope.
A couple of years ago I watched a season of American Idol like someone who watches a train wreck. My heart went out to one contestant, Sanjaya, because he seemed like a nice kid but he didn’t sing anywhere on the same level as the others. He became a joke to the world that was very cruel to him berating his singing. Then there was the Internet site that was dedicated to voting for the worst singer and he kept winning. But it was synthetic because it could not be sustained. When he finally lost, it broke his heart. You could see it and your heart really went out to him. His 15 minutes of fame were over but it came with a cost to him personally.
It’s the same thing that we are seeing with young Hollywood today. Most of them have been pumped up synthetically that they can’t handle life. So they are drinking and driving and going to rehab and flipping out and it’s all because they see themselves in a pseudo reality. They think they can walk on water without help. It’s not just Hollywood it seems to be pervasive throughout society. Around the Sanjaya time frame there were the Barbie Bandits who robbed a bank and went on a shopping trip is a great example of a synthetic self image. One of their mothers said that they didn’t deserve to go to jail because they were good girls. Do good girls rob banks to have shopping money? What if the teller had been ill with a weak heart? What if there had been a shoot-out? There are so many scenarios that they didn’t care about or didn’t weigh, in either case it’s still deserves jail time.
Synthetic is not real. It has no substance that you can build on. So instead we pump up the plastic. But what happens to plastic when you turn up the heat? It melts and as it does it molds into different shapes getting smaller and smaller. It ends up nothing but a small piece of nothing it resembled in the first place.
In life you win some and you lose some and you get up either way and keep moving forward. There is nothing sadder than a person who lives out the rest of his life in his past glory trying to recapture that win again. Instead, God says we move from glory to glory. Sadder still is the person who is stuck in his loss and refuses to try again.
There is a real life with real pitfalls and real successes. We need to remember that even our kids have to follow rules because that is authentic. He understands that true winners are hard workers who have learned strategy and who play within the guidelines set before them. Synthetic winners are only winners when the environment is manipulated falsely and you are able to keep the temperature ambient. Eventually things in your arena heat up and the meltdown begins. Learn to be authentic. That is something that stands no matter the circumstance.
Pastor Susan 