The Honeymoon
18 Aug 2010 4 Comments
in Love, Stepparenting, marriage
This is an ongoing series on Blended Families. To read the previous post click here.
I’m sure Cinderella loved Lady Tremaine in the beginning. It always starts out with a love fest. I don’t think any stepmother would enter into a relationship with children who hated her. Cinderella, being an only child had to have imagined having two sisters would be a blessing. Lady Tremaine must have felt that one more daughter to love would be wonderful as well. Finally two broken families would become one complete one! Sounds romantic and safe doesn’t it?
If only that were the end of the story, we’d smile and go home bored. We don’t know the middle part of the story but we know it ends very badly. We know we’ve never seen Lady Tremaine smile. Not even once. We know that she has become angry and bitter. Have you ever asked yourself why?
Further we know from Cinderella’s perspective that she feels she is a slave, she gets no love and everyone hates her. This is pretty typical even today. In the story of Hansel and Gretel their dad was a woodcutter. How long must their dad had been out in the woods that their stepmother got fed up, and sent them to the witch’s house?
While these may be fairy tales of our childhood and great Disney animated movies we can learn a lot from them. For example, will the biological parent please stand up? Where are the parents in these scenarios? Where are the grandparents and the support systems that these families need? This is an important key to the entire process.
The honeymoon phase is that dating part of the relationship where everyone is happy to know each other. Only I wonder how much of this is imagination and wishful thinking and how much of this is real? In a dating situation it’s a lot easier to overlook the underlying issues but if we are honest we see the issues, it just that love clouds judgment in this stage.
I know a woman who thought her boyfriend’s kids were out of control and needed some discipline. When she broached the subject with him, he answered, “Of course my kids are out of control, I’m out of control, that’s why you are so good for us, you will bring us balance.” Instead of heeding the warning signals that were being thrown at her she became a Lady Tremaine within a year. The problem was the family clinged to her. They had fun with her, they wanted to be around her and she was flattered enough to overlook her intuition.
Other women I have spoken to say all was well until they got married then the children turned on them. It really wasn’t that the children turned on them, it was that there are such delicate dynamics here. Day to day living is a much different animal than the honeymoon phase.
You must go in with eyes wide open. What are some of the obstacles? What do the biological parents think of this new relationship? In the movie Stepmom, there is a scene where the children are horse-back riding with their mother played by Susan Sarrandon. The children are discussing Isabel their dad’s new love interest, played by Julia Roberts, and they seem to like her. There is a poignant moment in the film where the children see the reaction of their mother and sense that she is not pleased at all. So they tell their mother, “If you want us to hate her we will.” Remember that a child’s first allegiance is always going to be with the bio parent. Even still Hollywood makes endings simple. Real life is not.
One of the healthiest thing a parent can do is give their child permission to love. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case in a divorce situation and so a war ensues where the prisoners of war are the children.
Expectation
17 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Bible, God, Jesus, Love, Ministry
www.acubirth.ie/
Psalm 5:1 Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. 2 Listen to my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. 3 In the morning, O LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Expectation: noun the act or state of expect.
Expect Verb: to look forward to; regard as likely to happen; anticipate the occurrence or the coming of
In Psalm 5 the psalmist says with confidence in Verse 3- …O LORD, you hear my voice
He doesn’t say he hopes the Lord hears his voice, he doesn’t plead, “oh please hear my voice”. He says, O LORD, you hear my voice. There is a level of expectancy that has to be there for a believer to move forward in the things of God. What is the level of your expectation?
The psalmist goes on to say, in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.
Again, he is saying I lay it all bare before you Lord and then I wait for it to manifest according to your will. When was the last time you prayed with that level of confidence and patience? When was the last time you didn’t touch a situation and merely waited in expectation?
I want to ask a very important question to you all today. What are you expecting? I believe for most of us we need to raise our level of expectation. If you say you haven’t met the Holy Spirit in a while, it’s because you haven’t expected to not because he isn’t at work.
A few weeks ago, on prayer night, only a handful of us showed up. So we went old school in our music. There was tongue talking, crying out, Holy Ghost movement here in the house. Why? Because when those songs are played, we go back to our memories and we remember a sweet time with the Lord so we EXPECT some movement. The Holy Spirit isn’t moved because of the songs, the Holy Spirit is moved because of our expectant hearts.
Our religious nature tells us that the Holy Spirit is present when all is perfect, when we are dressed in an expected dress code, when we play a certain style of music, when we stand at the reading of the word. I don’t believe any of that because I see no reference in scripture to it. I see God searching for hearts who wait expectantly for a touch from their Master.
What is your level of expectation? Have you lacked the Holy Spirit in your life? You’ve been tracing back steps to where you last felt him thinking that it was that spot, that song, that circumstance that caused it? Then I ask you how big is your God? Why is your God limited to time and space?
The God I serve, the God you serve, meets you at your expectation. He gave you dominion. He enters when you allow him to. He is not, nor has he ever been, nor will he ever be limited to a song, circumstance, or place. He is all knowing, all seeing, all powerful, all consuming and nothing or no one can put him in a box. He meets the prostitute, the sinner, the drug addicted, the saint, he meets all of us when we earnestly cry out to him.
I wonder if you will put down your religion long enough to meet the God of freedom? Raise your level of expectation and usher in the presence of the Lord your God.
Pastors Are Suffering From Burnout
15 Aug 2010 2 Comments
in Bible, God, In The News, Jesus, Ministry Tags: Congregations Gone Wile, G. Jeffrey MacDonald
Economic Winter
14 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Daily Living, In The News Tags: Tony Robbins
The media is now talking about another recession. I read this informative article and thought I’d pass it on. Click Here.
Never Would Have Made It
13 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in God, Jesus, Ministry, Music, You Tube Tags: Marvin Sapp
Looking back on my life, I would have never made it without Jesus! Marvin Sapp sings it truthfully and touches my heart.
The Best In Me
12 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in God, Jesus, Love, Ministry, Music, You Tube Tags: Marvin Sapp
These days, I’ve been listening to Marvin Sapp. This song just makes me smile. Such a powerful concept for us to understand. Enjoy the video!
Water, Water
11 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Friendship, Oasis Community Center
So while Ana V and I are in Santa Monica for Frances’ baptism, a few of the Oasis families got together to go rafting.
Great times, great memories!
Frances Gets Baptized
09 Aug 2010 2 Comments
in Bible, Daily Living, Love, My Life
Saturday I drove to Santa Monica with Ana Valencia, Anthony’s second mom and a blessing to me. We went to see my son’s girlfriend, Frances get baptized. A beautiful sunset service as three women committed their lives to Christ and the great commission was fulfilled.
L2R Me, Ana, Kim, Anthony, Frances, Jennifer, Mike, Craig
The first one to go into the water was a woman named Katie. Her family came in from Vancouver Canada. A beautiful spirit she beamed ear to ear. I love to see how God radiates in the smile of a believer.
Katie gets baptized first.
Frances went second. My picture came out blurry but my mind will never forget this moment.
Next went a beautiful woman named Molly. Molly may never know the impact she had on my life. I wonder if she realized that she quoted Jesus in the midst of her tears? Do you know the feeling when you witness a true God moment that is so extraordinary that it is imprinted on your heart forever? This was this kind of moment.
This next picture is of Kim, Frances’ bestie from Tennessee. I have to tell you that I love Kim. She is just one of those people that you meet and you’ve known forever. She makes me smile and her heart is so expansive. I am blessed to know her!
Kim and Frances
This is a picture of Marie, one of the small group leaders who helped lead Frances to this moment. She opens her home and heart for study.
This is June, she leads the small group in Marie’s home and made sure these women were ready to embark on this new journey with Christ.
I was honored to part of this special occasion. I love that three women submitted their lives to Christ last night. I love that in the water walked the old man and out emerged the new nature. Three women received keys to Kingdom last night. The angels rejoiced, God smiled great big and a new adventure unfolded.
In the Narnia Chronicles, Susan asks if Aslan is safe. No, is the response. He is not safe but he is good. Mighty women of God, your adventure begins and it doesn’t guarantee safety in the way we look at safety. It doesn’t guarantee that each day will be filled with happiness and heartache will never come. It does promise that God is good and that he will see you through it all, that your safety is secure in the end.
May your adventure be one of fulfillment, contentment, risk and the secure knowledge that in the end it all works out for your good and the good of those who you will impact for Jesus!
Will The Real Man Please Stand Up
07 Aug 2010 10 Comments
in Daily Living, parenting, relationships
leaderlounge.com
I’ve been watching with curiosity a trend that seems to happening in the males of our species. I’m not exactly sure when it started or why but I find by the whole thing strange.
The first thing I saw was that our boys were really emotional. They cry for everything. Yes, we want our boys to be able to cry and not hold things in but they cry over things that don’t seem to be important. They cry when the vending machine is out of their favorite soda and they have to pick another. Is that really an issue to cry over? What is going to happen when life doesn’t hand you what you want and you’re a father of three kids?
In counseling I am talking to married men on a regular basis who say things like, “I hate my job and I am seriously thinking about quitting because I deserve to be happy.” Yes, it would be great to be happy but you have a wife and kids and you are the sole support of your family. YOU CAN’T JUST QUIT! I don’t think my grandfather ever once came home and threatened to quit his job. He understood his role in his family as the support of the home. He probably hated his jobs. He worked out in the fields and drove truck and was a card dealer at night I would bet that it was a pretty miserable to work two jobs and sleep in the cab of your truck as they loaded up your trailers yet not once did I hear him complain. His words to us were simply, “I am working hard to provide opportunities for you so that you don’t have to work this hard.” Since when do emotions enter into sustenance decisions that affect our families?
In speaking to Pastor Doug he felt that there was a shift when men were told they weren’t sensitive enough. So we created a generation of emotional males. I agree he is probably right but there is a problem with that. When a man thinks emotionally he thinks irrationally. Men tend to problem focus while women tend to emotionally focus. When a man thinks emotionally he doesn’t think clearly and it frustrates him and therefore runs the risk of making rash decisions that ultimately hurt the family.
I think there has to be a happy medium. Yes, I believe men have emotions and they need to express them appropriately. It’s normal to cry when your dog dies, when your mom dies, when something is truly sad. It’s not okay to cry when Chili’s is out of baby back ribs. It’s not okay to cry when your baby needs diapers and you have to spend your poker money on them. No one has ever promised you that life would be fair. Life is just but it’s not fair. So your best friend got a Wii for Christmas and you didn’t. It’s okay, your day will come and you’ll get it too. This is nothing to cry about.
I am not in any way including tender-hearted men in this blog. Some men are just touched by sensitive things. The difference is they cry over a baby’s birth or a sad movie not whether they can go golfing or not. I am talking about the crying over life’s issues that just happen. I am talking to the women raising men. If your son didn’t clean his room and wants to go to the movies and your deal was he had to clean his room, no amount of crying should move you to change the deal. These aren’t things to cry about and we need to teach this. These are simply consequences.
I don’t know if I am the only one who thinks this, but this is a very serious issue to me. I see men not stepping up to the plate as men because they don’t “feel” like it. As a woman I am wondering what happens to our children when men seek their own happiness over their the well-being of their family. It used to be that a man would abandon his family very rarely. It was an oddity. Now not having a dad is pretty normal, most births in America are to single moms. The number one thing I hear when a father doesn’t want to be a dad is because he isn’t getting his way. A few years ago I heard a man say, “Well, she bought clothes for the baby and so I spent the same amount on a couple of tickets to the WWE, it’s only fair.” Want to see my head explode? This is a good way to see it happen. We have work to do or rather undo.
Boundaries Part 2
05 Aug 2010 4 Comments
in Daily Living, Love, My Life, Stepparenting, Women, marriage, relationships
www.lusterstudios.com/
So what are some boundaries to consider discussing before you get married and blend a family? Here are some basic questions to get you started but there are many, many more and it is wise to begin to get a list together.
Will children have their own rooms or will they share?
Who will clean the room?
Are children allowed to play with each other’s things without permission?
If a child visits on weekends, will that child have special exemptions from the everyday household chores of the children who live in the home permanently?
Will the children be allowed to bring their pets from their other family home on visits?
Will the non-biological parent be allowed to discipline the children?
What does discipline look like to you?
What do children’s chores look like to you?
Are you allowed to open each other’s mail?
Are there certain things that are off limits? For example, can children come into your room and get your favorite lipstick, razor, blouse, watch?
How much input, into your new marriage, is allowed to be made by your former spouses?
Is a pet snake an acceptable family pet?
How will holidays be handled?
How much is too much to spend on clothing, video games, Christmas?
You can see how problems can arise quickly and escalate into pitting two camps against each other. Nothing is too petty to discuss at this point. It is no wonder we find Lady Tremaine angry when we meet her. I don’t believe any woman sets out to marry a man with children just to torment them and herself.
Finally, a word of warning, do not put this off or think it’s going to work out on it’s own. It just isn’t. Also beware that if you are compromising your answers to get this marriage started, you will face the consequences later. It is much better to discuss and find out that although you love each other, this will not work, than it is to drag yourself and your family through another divorce.
Finally, if you are already married, it is never too late to sit down calmly, not during a battle, and strategize. You already know what the issues are, now it’s time to lay them on the table and come to reasonable solutions.
Recent Comments