Reality Sets In
03 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
disneylandcards.com
This is a part of a series on stepfamiles. To read the previous post click here.
From Cinderella’s perspective, she has three problems in life. A stepmother, named Lady Tremaine and two step-sisters, Anastasia and Drizella. Never mind that Cinderella’s biological parents are not on the scene, we assume they died because real parents don’t abandon their children, at least that is our concept, only where was the extended family that would have swept in to care for their granddaughter, niece or cousin? Our questions remain unanswered. The only thing we know for sure is that somehow the universe has been very cruel to Cinderella.
That is probably the only truth for which we can be sure of. Cinderella has been given a raw deal. For whatever reason her mom was gone first. If you haven’t been a product of a divorced family then your perspective is limited but you can be sure that losing a mother or father in death or divorce is traumatic for a child. Compound that with a remarriage and the child gets the idea that people can be replaced. That isn’t such an easy concept to swallow when you’re a child because while the adults are thinking in terms of adults and romantic love, of failure and loss, a child is thinking that they themselves can be replaced, that maybe love isn’t forever, foundations are not really set and maybe down the road they will be put away for another.
You see, as adults we have a bit more understanding about love, but children are limited in their understanding. All they know is they have a mom and dad and they don’t want or need another. Only they’re children and they don’t get a choice. The choice is made for them and they are told they have to like it and get along. Well, let’s be real, that’s not so easy.
So the kids come with baggage of resentment and loss, of misunderstandings and misgivings and it’s all perfectly normal, only it certainly puts a wedge in adult plans doesn’t it? Walls quickly go up, feelings get hurt and trampled on all the way around, and well, we won’t even discuss the guilt the biological parent feels as they get caught in a trap of being in the middle of a war they call home. Reality sets in and it’s not pretty.
All camps begin to pull in opposite directions and territorial lines begin to be drawn. Any upset in a plan or ideal becomes a major deal and the fight is on. Parents pull for their own child and loyalties rise. Fights ensue among the newlyweds as both feel torn between their love for their child and the love for their new spouse. The children complain as they are shuffled from house to house and suddenly houses are fighting because they hear, as we did, only Cinderella’s side of the tale and it looks dark and dismal. No one considers that every party to this war has a point.
For a stepmom her challenge is difficult, and I dare say, even more than a stepdad’s challenge because a mother is called to calm and influence her home. She is the peace in a normal house and suddenly all fingers are pointed in her direction, not only from the camps within her home but society at large who faults her because people are not happy under her care. What she does next will be critical for the survival of her marriage and her family.
When Romanticism Becomes Idolatry
02 Sep 2010 Leave a Comment
in Friendship, Love, Women
www.123rf.com/
We all know her. It’s not us of course but we all know her. You know the one. Your friend, the one who is over all the time for coffee or to hang out as long as there is not a man in the picture. This isn’t so bad, you think to yourself, because we all do it to a certain extent. In those first few weeks of a relationship when lust permeates our thought process and we see are the wonderful attributes this man has. Yes, we all know her.
We all see her. She’s in church on Sunday and at TLC (or your form of it) on Monday evenings while she’s alone but once her man comes around she drops out. She’s beautiful on the outside but so insecure on the inside. Her convictions are solid until they are tested. You see, actions speak louder than words.
Then her new boyfriend asks her to sleep with him. She knows her God and His point of view on fornication but she shoves all the knowledge aside because someone actually loves her. Well, you see, he hasn’t actually said those exact words but we all know they are coming at some point, right? We all know she said she’d never date ‘the mission field’ but her new man has promised he’ll come to church and well, we all know how that will turn out.
She tells us he drinks a little too much. It’s okay, she continues, because she know it’s just the stress of his baby mama drama. You see, he wants to change. He just needs a little sex, a little fix-it and a lot less nagging.
So you ask her about his ex-wife. Only he doesn’t have one. You see, he got hooked up with a slutty girl and she got pregnant on purpose. She was a party girl and your friend, well, she just goes clubbing with her man now because it’s where his friends hang out. They don’t do anything there, they just go to dance and drink and relieve their stress. By the way, you tell her, she hasn’t brought him to church yet. No, she says, because he’s afraid of being judged and last week he wasn’t feeling well.
She tells you that he’s asked her to move in with him. He wants to have a big wedding and give her a big ring, only he can’t afford to right now. She knows it’s not what God would want but she knows if she just hangs out a little while longer he’ll give her the things she wants. She also mentions that he’s been too stressed out to see his child but he just needs her to pull him out of his slump.
She tells you that he quit his job and now she is the sole support of her family. You remind her of the scripture that says if a man doesn’t work he shouldn’t eat but she informs you he is trying to find himself. He’s not spending too much time with his child yet. She wonders if she should pay his portion of the child support payments so he doesn’t fall behind?
So now your friend has abandoned her belief system for her man. The Holy Spirit leaves and she doesn’t even know it. She has traded God for a man. Her heart has chosen its treasure. You mourn for your friend but her romantic notion of what love is supposed to look like has become idolatry. God says He will never be second. She missed that part I guess.
Six months later she comes to you and now she is pregnant. Now your friend is the slutty party girl and her boyfriend has moved on to the next best thing. You won’t say you told her so. You just hold her and try to be there for this next difficult phase of her life. She now has more hard choices to make. Move home to her parents house to raise a child or put the child up for adoption. Her life has been irrevocably changed.
Don’t be like your friends. Smart women stick to their beliefs. It’s the core of who they are. It’s what defines them. Remember that. No man can ever take the place of God in your life and no one can ever tell you who you are. That has to be determined between you and God. You have to be worth more than that.
Prayer For A Friend
31 Aug 2010 1 Comment
in Bible, Friendship, Jesus, Love, You Tube, relationships
I have a friend in need of prayer. I know that when you see this video it will remind you of one of your friends who needs to hear from God right now. I am in prayer for this person, not without my own frustration and not without my own opinion but deciding to set it aside for a touch from God which is the only thing can change the course of action. Let’s agree in prayer today for those people in our lives who are lost and need a touch from God in this moment!
In The Name Of Love
30 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Bible, Daily Living, Love, Women, relationships
www.polyvore.com/
We become obsessive
We kill each other
We overeat as in “I love cake”
We try to control another
We allow ourselves to be controlled
We say things we don’t mean
We say things that are mean
We make stupid decisions for our lives
We lose our definition
We are too permissive
We are too authoritarian
We become stalkers
We become overbearing
We become insecure
We become insensitive
We take each other for granted
We cease to work on ourselves
We compromise our future
We compromise our morals
We compromise our desires
We compromise our character
We blind ourselves to the truth
We lose touch with reality
We turn our back on our family
We become foolish in our decisions
We become co-dependent
We overlook sin
We sin
We overlook flaws
We overlook problems
We go into debt
We abuse
We get abused
We manipulate wrongly
We are manipulated
In the name of love we commit atrocities on ourselves and others. Yet,
1 John 4:7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Do we know God? Or do we think we know love? They are inseparable. Do we understand what love is and will we adhere to the principles of love as God has directed or will be continue make a mess of our lives in the name of what we think is love?
Your Brain On Computers
26 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Daily Living, Health, In The News
Chang W. Lee/The New York Times
I read this article in the New York Times, by Matt Richtel and think it bears repeating. Click here to read the article.
Here is an excerpt:
Technology use can benefit the brain in some ways, researchers say. Imaging studies show the brains of Internet users become more efficient at finding information. And players of some video games develop better visual acuity.
More broadly, cellphones and computers have transformed life. They let people escape their cubicles and work anywhere. They shrink distances and handle countless mundane tasks, freeing up time for more exciting pursuits.
For better or worse, the consumption of media, as varied as e-mail and TV, has exploded. In 2008, people consumed three times as much information each day as they did in 1960. And they are constantly shifting their attention. Computer users at work change windows or check e-mail or other programs nearly 37 times an hour, new research shows.
The nonstop interactivity is one of the most significant shifts ever in the human environment, said Adam Gazzaley, a neuroscientist at the University of California, San Francisco.
“We are exposing our brains to an environment and asking them to do things we weren’t necessarily evolved to do,” he said. “We know already there are consequences.”
Phone Etiquette
25 Aug 2010 1 Comment
in Daily Living, My Life
the HELP Puppet team
I made the mistake once of saying in a group that I get up early to write because it’s the only part of the day that I have all to myself. Sometimes, I have no filter and I say things that should remain private for my sake. Anyway, I said I normally get up around 5:30 to get an hour or so in of writing before I have to start my day.
I don’t know why, but this seemed to give people the nod to call or text my cell at that hour. They forgot the part about how it’s my only time to myself. They also forgot that I am married and that my husband is sleeping at that time and the phone wakes him up in a very grumpy way. Anyway, I’ve straightened it out. Either by politely answering after 8 or saying something directly. The only time my phone should ring at that time is because an employee is calling in sick or someone is in the hospital.
For social calls the phone should ring between 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. For business calls the phone can begin to ring at 8 a.m. unless you know a place of business is open before that.
To my youth kids who read the blog, it’s not okay to call each other, even on your cell phones, at 10 p.m. or 2 a.m. I know, I know, that’s ol’ skool but my kids get their phones taken away for infringements of etiquette because I’m trying to teach manners. If you ask any parent, they don’t want you to call late either. Since most parents pay for cell phones then their rules go. If you pay your own cell phone bill then the rule still applies because the only reason you have money for a cell phone is because your parents pay for rent, food and health insurance.
Also, don’t call hang up and call again. If the person was busy two seconds ago, they are probably still busy now. Just leave a message and wait. Right now as I write this, someone has called four times, not left a single message and I’ve been typing for 3 minutes and 28 seconds. There are times when I am typing, working, sleeping, cooking, having dinner and I don’t answer my phone during that time. It’s okay, there was time in the world where we weren’t so accessible and………………….. we lived.
Modesty
24 Aug 2010 1 Comment
in Bible, Love, Ministry, Women, relationships
misook.com
Without doubt modesty is nothing less than a holy feeling; and without doubt the person whose rule of modesty has been transgressed feels the same sort of wound that he would feel if something made holy to him by his religion had suffered a desecretation. I say “rule of modesty” because there are about a million rules in the world, and this makes a million standards to be looked out for. -Mark Twain- Following the Equator
Sometimes women, we are our worst enemies. Instead of fighting for true injustice in the world, abuse, sex-trafficking, child slavery and rape we are assessing each other’s dress code and deeming it inappropriate. We disguise it under the veil of religion, determining that we cause men to lust with our clothing. As if we have the power to dictate the feelings of another.
Only who determines modesty? Muslims can feel we Christians are immodest. Certain denominations of Christians determine that other denominations are immodest and the list goes on and on. I find it interesting though that men aren’t held to this standard. A woman’s lust for a man isn’t predicated on his attire or so it seems.
I just want it to stop. The women in the church clucking and running around talking about the attire of others are nothing more than bullies who have determined it is their right to speak out, behind your back of course, about their opinion of the way another dresses. The problem is you can make all the religious rules you want to about dress code. Unless the heart convicts you, you follow the rules in front of the rule authorities but you won’t follow it on your own because it isn’t your conviction.
1 Samuel 16:7 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
Col 2:16 Therefore do not let anyone judge you by what you eat or drink, or with regard to a religious festival, a New Moon celebration or a Sabbath day. 17 These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ. 18 Do not let anyone who delights in false humility and the worship of angels disqualify you for the prize. Such a person goes into great detail about what he has seen, and his unspiritual mind puffs him up with idle notions. 19 He has lost connection with the Head, from whom the whole body, supported and held together by its ligaments and sinews, grows as God causes it to grow. 20 Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: 21 “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? 22 These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. 23 Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
Why Men Cheat
23 Aug 2010 1 Comment
in Daily Living, Love, Women, marriage, relationships
http://www.clintoncountyhistorical.org
The number one search engine term that people use to get to our blog is ‘I am a mistake’ which prompted me to write the blog You’re Not A Mistake. The second thing that brings people to our site are issues with children and we’ve written quite a bit on that.
The third is ‘why do men cheat’. I hadn’t written on it because I didn’t really think I had answers. I began to make notes as to what some reasons are that we hear in counseling as to why men cheat. Interestingly enough I found some common reasons.
Hungry Men Cheat. No! Not hungry as in physical food but hungry as in something is missing. Whether a valid concern or a fantasy of what they thought a marriage was supposed to be, it doesn’t really matter because it still leads them down a wrong path. So the question is why are they hungry and what are they hungry for?
Respect. So often we marry men and then expect them to change. When they don’t become that fantasy man we thought they had potential to become we get mad. We begin to nitpick at their flaws. Who wants that? So suddenly the girl at the office who thinks he has potential and flatters him begins to look good. Just like you used to look before you decided he wasn’t all that.
Lisa Bevere made a poignant statement in her series Nurture. She said that women train their husbands and serve their children. That statement smacked me in the head. How many times have we determined that our husbands way of doing things are wrong and ours is right? What gives us the right? I think most women would respond negatively if the roles were reversed. Quit nagging about what he isn’t and appreciate what he is. I don’t think I have to go into any more details here. Make your man feel as if what he does for you is important.
Letting ourselves go. What does it cost us to put some makeup on and try to look like we care a little bit? There is this thing, I believe, in marriage where we become too familiar. I don’t give myself a facial in front of my husband. I understand he’s visual and I don’t want to put an image of my face with a mud mask as a visual in his head. I also keep myself in decent shape and I wear pretty things in and out of bed. We need to quit lying to ourselves and making excuses for our lackadaisical behavior. We would have been mortified if, when we were dating, our man had seen us the way we run around now. You put your best foot forward for strangers, why don’t we do that for our husbands?
Putting others above him. There is no one above your husband. Not your mom, not your best friend, not your children. You need to remember that. If you don’t put your husband as number one someone else will.
Be sexy, flirt shamelessly, have lots of sex, be nice to him, cook him dinner.
Finally, sometimes no matter what you do and how good you are at the things I’ve mentioned above, affairs happen. Sometimes, you married a bad man who didn’t appreciate what he had at home. Sometimes he didn’t put the boundaries in place in his life that he needed to keep himself safe. Sometimes he’s so busy looking around for the next best thing that he will never be satisfied with the good thing he’s found. There are men who hang with other men where cheating is expected and they fall to peer pressure. Then there is the power they feel in being able to conquer. These aren’t your normal decent men. Your normal decent man isn’t looking at other women with lust. He’s happy at home.
If you are honest you’ll see places where you can affair-proof your marriage. It won’t guarantee 100%, but it can make a big difference.
Ultimately though, I will say an affair is a decision that was made. Two people did not just get naked without a lot of boundaries being broken. So the responsibility of the action falls on the person having the affair. The actions that lead up to this devastating action is ours to examine and change before it’s too late.
The Slippery Slope
20 Aug 2010 Leave a Comment
in Daily Living, In The News, parenting Tags: Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan
celebritynews.yuddy.com/ ?p=1291
Dina Lohan is in the news for defending her daughter, actress Lindsay Lohan, whom she feels is being judged unfairly for having to serve jail time for drinking and driving. Americans have vilified Dina Lohan as a mother out of control and enabling her daughter. Only ask yourself what’s so different about her and us?
How many parents who know the school has banned the use of cell phones, allow their child to take a cell phone anyway? How many parents have done their kid’s homework? How many parents have let their kids lie without consequence? How many parents have marched their child over to an adult they have disrespected and made them apologize to the person in front of them? How many parents have lied to get what they wanted for their children, as in free lunch or subsidized daycare or welfare, or discounted movie, amusement park tickets? How many parents have paid restitution for their child’s shoplifting or grafitti, rather than let their child pay for it? How many parents have pushed beyond competitiveness for a child who is deemed a winner? How many parents have big time debt buying whatever their children desire? How many parents are still paying their adult children’s bills?
Not the same thing you say? It’s exactly the same thing. The kid wanted it and the mom went to whatever lengths she had to go to get it. Do we think we are above it and would never do it? Think again, we do it all the time. Does the scale matter? No, the slope is the same and we’re all tumbling down it. It’s easy to judge her because she is in the public eye. I wonder if we judge ourselves as harshly?
The Honeymoon
18 Aug 2010 4 Comments
in Love, Stepparenting, marriage
This is an ongoing series on Blended Families. To read the previous post click here.
I’m sure Cinderella loved Lady Tremaine in the beginning. It always starts out with a love fest. I don’t think any stepmother would enter into a relationship with children who hated her. Cinderella, being an only child had to have imagined having two sisters would be a blessing. Lady Tremaine must have felt that one more daughter to love would be wonderful as well. Finally two broken families would become one complete one! Sounds romantic and safe doesn’t it?
If only that were the end of the story, we’d smile and go home bored. We don’t know the middle part of the story but we know it ends very badly. We know we’ve never seen Lady Tremaine smile. Not even once. We know that she has become angry and bitter. Have you ever asked yourself why?
Further we know from Cinderella’s perspective that she feels she is a slave, she gets no love and everyone hates her. This is pretty typical even today. In the story of Hansel and Gretel their dad was a woodcutter. How long must their dad had been out in the woods that their stepmother got fed up, and sent them to the witch’s house?
While these may be fairy tales of our childhood and great Disney animated movies we can learn a lot from them. For example, will the biological parent please stand up? Where are the parents in these scenarios? Where are the grandparents and the support systems that these families need? This is an important key to the entire process.
The honeymoon phase is that dating part of the relationship where everyone is happy to know each other. Only I wonder how much of this is imagination and wishful thinking and how much of this is real? In a dating situation it’s a lot easier to overlook the underlying issues but if we are honest we see the issues, it just that love clouds judgment in this stage.
I know a woman who thought her boyfriend’s kids were out of control and needed some discipline. When she broached the subject with him, he answered, “Of course my kids are out of control, I’m out of control, that’s why you are so good for us, you will bring us balance.” Instead of heeding the warning signals that were being thrown at her she became a Lady Tremaine within a year. The problem was the family clinged to her. They had fun with her, they wanted to be around her and she was flattered enough to overlook her intuition.
Other women I have spoken to say all was well until they got married then the children turned on them. It really wasn’t that the children turned on them, it was that there are such delicate dynamics here. Day to day living is a much different animal than the honeymoon phase.
You must go in with eyes wide open. What are some of the obstacles? What do the biological parents think of this new relationship? In the movie Stepmom, there is a scene where the children are horse-back riding with their mother played by Susan Sarrandon. The children are discussing Isabel their dad’s new love interest, played by Julia Roberts, and they seem to like her. There is a poignant moment in the film where the children see the reaction of their mother and sense that she is not pleased at all. So they tell their mother, “If you want us to hate her we will.” Remember that a child’s first allegiance is always going to be with the bio parent. Even still Hollywood makes endings simple. Real life is not.
One of the healthiest thing a parent can do is give their child permission to love. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case in a divorce situation and so a war ensues where the prisoners of war are the children.
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